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    Category: Pets & Animals

    When Hunger Bugs You

    | VA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (At my pet store we sell crickets which many animals, such as lizards, use as a staple in their diet. We are encouraged to chat with the customers to make them feel welcome. The following conversation happens while I am putting crickets in a bag for a customer.)

    Customer: “Do you have any reptiles yourself?”

    Me: “No, but I have nine hermit crabs and their care is very similar to the reptiles at the store. Do you have any critters yourself?”

    Customer: “No, I just felt hungry…”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “That’s not what I meant! I stopped by [Popular Fast Food Restaurant] and decided to get some crickets for my son’s bearded dragon.”

    Me: *hands him bag of crickets while laughing*

    A Funeral Isn’t Just Horsing Around

    | FL, USA | Bosses & Owners, Family & Kids, Ignoring/Inattentive, Pets & Animals, Religion

    (Every year, I attended a Girl Scout camp for horseback riding. When I got too old to be a camper, I am hired as a stable hand, much to my excitement. However, that summer, the camp has a new manager, and she was, in a word, terrible. She fires people left and right for the stupidest things, and sadly, it is soon my turn. I am only seventeen at the time, so my parents have to be contacted. However, they are on vacation, so my uncle has been placed as loco parentis. He is a priest, and his parish is located nearby. When the manager calls his office, this is the conversation she has with his secretary.)

    Secretary: “Hello, [Church] offices. How may I help you?”

    Manager: “Yeah, hi. I need to speak to Mr. Smith about his niece.”

    Secretary: “You mean Father Smith.”

    Manager: “No, no, not her father. Her uncle.”

    Secretary: “Ma’am, in the Catholic Church, priests are addressed as ‘Father.’ He is not ‘Mister Smith’ but ‘Father Smith.’”

    (My uncle’s secretary is very big on protocol, although she’s actually really nice.)

    Manager: “Okay, well, I need to speak to him.”

    Secretary: “I’m sorry; he’s currently leading a funeral. If this is an emergency, I can take a message for him.”

    Manager: “No, no! He needs to come get her NOW. Please tell him to come.”

    Secretary: “Ma’am, he’s not a guest. He’s leading the ceremony. It just started and it won’t be over for about two hours.”

    Manager: “What?! But he needs to come pick up his niece! He’s her guardian. He can’t leave her here!”

    Secretary: “I understand. He informed me of the situation in case you ever called. Is the child hurt?”

    Manager: “I can’t tell you that. He needs to come get her! Didn’t her parents go over this with him?”

    Secretary: “Yes, ma’am. Her parents did explain the situation to him, but I’m also sure they explained to you that his duties as a priest might cause conflict. Her parents were aware of the risk, and I believe arranged it so that if she was hurt, she would be taken to the hospital and a message left for him.”

    Manager: “She’s not hurt!”

    Secretary: “Is she in any danger? Was there an accident? Was she arrested and he needs to post bail?”

    Manager: “I can’t tell you that!”

    Secretary: “Well, you did just tell me she’s not hurt, so I’m going to assume she’s in no danger. In that case, I will inform Father Smith that he needs to come get her after the funeral is complete.”

    Manager: “Well, how long will that be?”

    Secretary: “As I said before, about two hours.”

    Manager: “Two hours! Can’t you tell them to hurry up?”

    Secretary: *extremely offended* “Hurry up?! Lady, this is a funeral! A Catholic funeral! Besides the regular Mass rituals, there are certain ceremonies that must be done before the soul can pass on to Heaven. On top of that, this is a person who has just died, and his family is very grieved! And you want me to march in there, interrupting the hymns, stick my face in the Father’s while he’s giving the eulogy, and tell him to ‘hurry up’?! You’ve got some nerve!”

    Manager: “But Mr. Smith needs to come get his niece…”

    Secretary: “For the last time, he’s Father Smith! And either you are really that damn clueless about Catholics or you’re just plain stupid. Once the funeral is over, which will not be earlier than two hours, I will give the message that his niece needs picking up. He’ll call you when he’s on the way. And don’t get any ideas about calling back to check and see if the funeral is done. He’ll call you!” *slams phone down*

    (I didn’t hear about this until after my uncle picked me up. But it explained why the manager came back to the room where she was keeping me prisoner and frostily said that I was going to have to wait. She explained that my uncle was at a funeral and “couldn’t be bothered.” I of course knew he was leading it, and tried to explain, but she still didn’t get it. There is a somewhat happy ending: after I left, she belatedly realized she didn’t have enough counselors, and had to cancel all horse sessions for the rest of the summer. That, and the filled out reports for all of us who were fired, got her fired as well.)

    Dealing With Gross, Point Blank

    | Australia | New Hires, Pets & Animals

    (I work casually at a local vet clinic as a kennel hand, whilst studying to actually be a veterinarian. There is very little that grosses me out. We occasionally have work experience students come in and shadow the staff. It’s the weekend, so we are literally a skeleton staff: me, a vet, and a receptionist; no nurse. I arrive at work to be told there is a student coming to shadow me, because she is thinking about training as a vet nurse.)

    Me: “So what made you think about becoming a nurse?”

    Student: “Well, I really love animals, and I’m not smart enough to be a vet. The studying is just too hard. So a nurse is the next best thing.”

    (I’m a little taken aback, as training to be a nurse isn’t easy either. This girl also seems to have very little interest in what I am doing, duties often done by nurses. She seems to be squeamish about getting her hands dirty as we work, which includes cleaning litter trays and picking up after dogs. During the morning, the vet comes up to us to inform us that a dog has had a rather messy accident in the consult room, and needs us to clean it up. It’s the perfect opportunity. I proceed to go clean up while she watches.)

    Student: *who at this point still has not actually gotten involved helping me* “I don’t know how you do that, like touching it and stuff. I don’t think I could handle it.”

    Me: *biting my tongue* “This is fairly normal for a nurse or kennel hand to deal with. And it can be much, much worse. You get used to it pretty quickly.”

    Student: “So you really deal with a lot of stuff like this? Like, all this gross stuff?”

    Me: “Nurses deal with it daily.”

    (I then get her to hold open a bin liner so that I can throw away all the contaminated paper towels and other disposables. The smell of the cleaning chemicals we used is strong enough that you can’t smell anything else, but she is still gagging and carrying on about how she can’t handle it, and she’s doesn’t like blood, and so on. It takes all my self control to not say anything. By the end of my shift, I am exasperated and in disbelief, although I still suggest she come and shadow the trained nurses for a better idea of the job. After she leaves, I turn to the receptionist, who is well aware that I am annoyed.)

    Receptionist: *grinning* “You’re not sure she’ll work out as a nurse?”

    Me: “Oh, she’ll do great, if she can find a nursing position that involves cuddling puppies and kittens all day and deals with absolutely nothing else whatsoever.”

    Receptionist: “That bad?”

    Me: “Who the hell is squeamish about seeing blood and decides they want to work in a vet clinic?!”

    The Boss And His Web Of Lies

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bosses & Owners, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (I’m at work and find a spider in my clinic room. I gently nudge the spider onto a piece of paper and walk outside to release it on a tree. My boss sees me come back in.)

    Boss: “Why did you let the spider go? I would have smashed it with my hand.”

    Me: “You shouldn’t kill spiders because they’re your friends. They eat all the flies and mosquitoes that you hate.”

    Boss: “Nope. I say smash first and clean up later.”

    (My boss walks away and comes back.)

    Boss: “Say… HOW do spiders catch flies and mosquitoes?”

    (I’m not sure whether this is a trick question but my boss honestly looks puzzled.)

    Me: “They… build… a… web.”

    Boss: “Oh, is that it? No, I mean HOW do spiders CATCH those flying insects?”

    Me: “Spiders build a web which traps the insects when they fly into it.”

    Boss: “Right. No, I knew that.”

    (My boss walked away looking a tad embarrassed. I’m not sure how he finished primary school science, especially as he was always boasting about how intelligent he was.)

    A Completely Different Kettle Of Fish

    | NY, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Pets & Animals

    (I work in my university’s dining hall. Though most employees are students, not all are. I am the cashier and am using the slow period to do some reading for an upper-level literature course. Coworker, who is not a student, walks by.)

    Coworker: “Hey, whatcha reading?”

    Me:The Hermaphrodite.”

    Coworker: “Oh, never heard of it.” *begins to walk away, then stops* “Is that about a fish?”

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