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    Category: Pets & Animals

    Don’t Leave Me Drowning

    | Bristol, England, UK | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Pets & Animals

    (This is my first office job, and whilst the office is generally staffed by middle aged ladies, they’ve recently employed quite a few of us “youths” to try and energise the business, apparently. This discussion takes place between I and two coworkers, all aged 19.)

    Coworker #1: “Ugh, I don’t understand this client email. What does ambiguous mean?”

    Coworker #2: “Isn’t that them animals that can breathe underwater?”

    On The Lower Fish Scales Of Intelligence

    | Bristol, England, UK | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (I am keeping an eye on the new guy on the meat and fish counter when I overhear this conversation:)

    Him: “So all the fish swim the same way, right?”

    Coworker: “What?”

    Him: “Well, they’d have to, right? Or the world’s oceans would spin.”

    (He wasn’t joking.)

    Cutely Snaking Along

    | San Luis Obispo, CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Pets & Animals

    (I am a female receptionist at a flooring showroom. It’s been very hot lately and our showroom is pleasantly air conditioned. I get up from the reception desk to look through the double glass doors into the parking lot as a customer leaves. The door is slowly closing when I notice a three-foot California kingsnake is halfway into the office, inches from my sandaled toes. I notice the snake is coming through the tiny gap between the hinged side of metal door and the wall, and the slowly closing door is starting to squish it. I rush over and HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR THE SNAKE.)

    Me: *half-hearted, almost embarrassed scream, because I was surprised… then just trying to get someone’s attention* “…Ahhh?”

    Snake: *slithers under waiting area seats and chills out*

    Me: *stares in stunned silence for a moment* “[Manager]?”

    Manager: *from other side of store* “What?”

    Me: “A snake just came in.”

    Manager: “WHAT?!” *runs over and then lets out a legit scream, staying yards away with two desks between her and the snake* “OH, MY GOD! HOW DID IT GET IN?!”

    Me: “A customer walked out the door, and it was slowly closing and then it was coming through and almost got stuck so I held the door open for it…”

    Manager: “YOU HELD THE DOOR OPEN?”

    Me: “I didn’t want it to get hurt! It’s cute!”

    Manager: “Cute?! What do we do? Stay away from it! It might be poisonous!”

    Me: “It’s just a kingsnake… um… I guess, get the warehouse manager?”

    (She fetches the warehouse manager, who I only suggested because he does the most physical labor. They both come back in.)

    Warehouse Manager: *takes one look at the snake* “NOPE.”

    (Meanwhile, I’m crouched about three yards away from the snake, making cooing noises, and complimenting it like it’s a puppy. It still hasn’t moved from the waiting area.)

    Me: “Aren’t you a beautiful snake? Yes, you are. So pretty! I guess we should call Animal Control?”

    Manager: “Yes. I don’t want you touching it.”

    (I get up to go to my desk, right next to the waiting snake.)

    Manager: “What are you doing? I don’t want you to get stuck back there!”

    Me: *sits down and calls Animal Control, then gets back up to watch the snake with fascination, with coworkers muttering how weird I am for liking snakes*

    Warehouse Manager: “I texted [Salesperson] a photo of the snake and she says she isn’t coming back from lunch. She is never coming back.”

    Me: “C’mon, it’s just a snake!”

    Warehouse Manager: “How can you think that’s cute?”

    (The Animal Control officer, a woman barely reaching 5’0″, comes in with a bucket and a hook on a long stick.)

    Officer: “Oh, my god, it’s so cute!”

    Me: “SEE? I’m not the only one!”

    (The snake was safely removed and released. The salesperson eventually came back, but was close to tears at the mere idea there was a snake in the building.)

    Salesperson: “What was it even doing in here?”

    Me: “Maybe he wanted to check out our carpet samples!”

    Her Own Brand Of Crazy

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Employees, Pets & Animals

    (My fiancé and I are out to buy a certain brand of cat-food, which has been recommended by both our veterinarian and the breeder, for our five-month-old kitten. We’re entering a small pet store and search around for a bit, but fail to find the section with cat food. The shop owner then approaches us.)

    Shop Owner: “Hello! Can I help you find anything?”

    Me: “Oh, yes, please. We’re looking for the cat food.”

    Shop Owner: “It’s right here.” *gestures behind the counter* “Is it for adults or kittens?”

    Me: “It’s for kitten… but I notice you don’t have the brand we want, sorry.”

    Shop Owner: “…Are you talking about [Brand]?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah? Why?”

    Shop Owner: *suddenly changing to a more angry tone* “That brand is terrible! Is bad for your kitten! Filled with chemicals and no nutrition!”

    Fiancé: “Er… I think we’ll stick to it anyway… The vet thinks it’s good for him.”

    (We’re about to leave at this point when the shop owner speaks up again.)

    Shop Owner: “Hold on!” *grabs a bag of cat food for kittens and holds it out for us to take* “Here! Free sample! Your kitten will like this better.”

    Me: “Thanks… but no thanks. We’re good.”

    Shop Owner: “How can you say no to a free sample?! DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR CAT?! THIS IS BETTER FOR IT!”

    (Yes, she did indeed begin to scream, so we quickly left the store. It didn’t strike us until later that the pet store and the brand of cat-food she tried to give us had the same name, so she was clearly just trying to promote her own brand.)

    Luckily They Found It A-Mew-sing

    | Denver, CO, USA | Pets & Animals

    (My vet calls me with the results of some tests he’d done on one of my cats.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Vet: “This is [Vet] from [Clinic]. Is this [Cat’s name]?”

    Me: “…Meow?”

    Vet: “It’s been a very long day.”

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