(I’m the only female on the electrics crew for a summer theater company. During this time, the company stays in the dorms at a nearby university. The company works in an old, somewhat converted barn that is locked up all winter and is extremely unclean and hazardous when the theater company arrives in the summer. On this day, my crew is removing lighting instruments from our closet and scrubbing rust off of them with steel wool and rubbing alcohol.)

Master Electrician: *screams like a little girl, jumps up, and runs to the other side of the barn/theater*

Me: “What?! What’s wrong?”

Master Electrician: “BLACKWIDOWBLACKWIDOWBLACKWIDOW!”

Me: “What?”

Master Electrician: “There’s a black widow!”

(Reminder: everybody else on this crew are men. I start over toward the area where the Master Electrician has seen this spider.)

Master Electrician: “Oh my God! What are you doing?!”

Me: “I figured I’d kill it.”

(At this point I can see the small, BROWN spider and am going to step on it.)

Master Electrician: *girlie scream* “No! DON’T DON’T DON’T! Don’t! It’ll get in the tread of your boot and it’ll end up in my room and it’ll kill me!”

(Our rooms literally couldn’t be further apart; we’re in different wings on different floors.)

Me: “I seriously don’t think that’s going to happ—what the f*** are you doing?!”

(The Master Electrician has come back towards the spider, brandishing a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a cigarette lighter.)

Me: “We’re in a barn! Don’t even think about setting that spider on fire!”

Master Electrician: “BUT IT HAS TO DIE!”

(I grab his lighter away from him and grind the spider to death with the toe of my boot.)

Master Electrician: “That was so stupid and reckless! What’s wrong with you?!”

(I am pleased to report that the common brown spider did not morph into a black widow, did not stow away in the tread of my boots, did not go back to the dorms with us, and did not traverse the building to kill the master electrician in his sleep. Sadly, the master electrician who tried to set a spider on fire is still a certified electrician, licensed to wire people’s homes.)

(I’m at a metalworking shop trying to get a piece of furniture repaired.)

Owner: “Yeah, we can fix this, but it may take a little while. We’d have to replace all of… oh, wait a minute.”

(He goes to the door and holds it open. An older man in a wheelchair enters slowly.)

Owner: “Hello again, [older man]. I’ll be with you in one minute. I’m just helping out a customer.”

Old Man: *in a thick German accent* “Don’t you vorry. Just to have looks at your new pieces.”

(The owner and I finish up, but the old man starts to leave. The owner goes to hold the door open for him, when suddenly…)

Old Man: “VOTCH DE CAAAAAAAT!”

(Sure enough, a feral cat comes flying through the open door and darts into the back.)

Owner: “Oh, s***. I had tuna for lunch.”

Worker: *from the back* “Oy, boss, there’s a cat eating your—OW!”

(We both hurry to the back to find the cat is eating the remains of a sandwich. Meanwhile, the worker is bleeding from his hand and is actually hiding behind a desk in fear.)

Me: “Uh, should I call the police?”

Owner: “No. OY, LARRY!”

Larry: *in another room* “BUSY!”

Owner: “We need your project!”

Larry: “What the f*** for?!”

Owner: “Feral cat.”

Larry: “…Gimme a minute.”

(It takes him a few minutes, in which the cat finishes the sandwich as well as the paper it was wrapped in. Finally, Larry comes through the door: from the waist up, he’s wearing plate armor including helmet and gauntlets, and over that he has a thick apron.)

Larry: “Claw through this, b****!”

(He grabs at the cat, but misses.)

Larry: “This stuff’s too heavy! Maybe if I—”

(Larru THROWS himself across the room, tackling the cat and grabbing it. The cat claws at him furiously, but can’t get through his armor. Unfortunately, he also spills a large bucket of nails all over the floor.)

Owner: “Go kick that cat out. We’ll get the nails.”

(Larry takes the cat out of the shop and comes back.)

Larry: “I think I may have just lost us a customer.”

Owner: “What happened?”

Larry: “There was a woman out there looking at the candlesticks, and she asked me what the h*** I was doing. So, I told her I was testing out the new order for the animal control department.”

(I work at an animal shelter and I have my own personal catch/restraint-pole which I keep in my car for use at work and for emergencies. I stop by a bookstore immediately after work, still in my clearly marked uniform. I’m about to leave when an employee forcefully grabs me by the shoulder and blocks the door, preventing me from leaving.)

Employee: “You can’t go out there! There’s a vicious dog attacking people!”

(I look out the glass door and see a large chow mix in the parking lot aggressively trying to get at two teens; they’re approximately 13 years old and trapped on the roof of a pick-up truck. The dog seems to be getting closer to reaching them with each jump, and it would be several minutes before help would arrive, so I decide I have to do something.)

Me: “Hey, let me out so I can get to my car, I think I can help.”

Employee: “ARE YOU F***ING NUTS?!? You’ll get bitten and probably sue the place!”

Me: “Sir, I do this for a living.” *points at uniform* “I think I can handle this. If I get bitten, it’s my fault alone. Please just call [animal control number] right now, and tell them to send a truck ASAP.”

(As I walk out the door, the employee grabs me again.)

Employee: “You’re out of your mind! I hope it does bite you! Are you really that stupid?!”

(I actually have to struggle with the employee to get out, but manage to get free. As I approach the dog, I notice that it’s too focused on getting the teens to notice me. I sneak to my car, and from there I am able to drive up and park alongside the pickup truck, maneuver the catch-pole through my car window and, after several attempts, am able to catch the dog. An animal control officer arrives shortly, and I hand the dog over to them. I go back inside to grab the purchases I had left on the counter and find the two teens, the employee, and other bystanders are talking near the door.)

Teens: *hugs me* “Thank you so much! If you weren’t here, I think that dog would’ve killed us for sure!”

Employee: *to me* “Are you out of your mind? That’s the stupidest thing I think I’ve ever seen someone do! Risking your life for no good reason. I bet if you would’ve gotten attacked, you would’ve said it was our fault and try to sue the store for millions too!”

(The employee the shook his head and walked off like I was the one causing the problems. The other customers were equally stunned with his reaction!)

(I am going through American customs at the airport between a flight from Iceland and a flight to Montréal. I have food and alcohol which I had bought in Keflavik to bring back home, including salmon paste and hákarl, which is raw, fermented toxic shark. Both are Icelandic delicacies.)

Customs Agent: “So, you wrote down on your declaration card that you had food. Is this it?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customs Agent: “What’s this? Saaaal-mon… what’s sal-mon?”

Me: “…It’s a fish species.”

Customs Agent: “Oh. So you eat this?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customs Agent: “Never heard of it. Okay. And this is shark? Now, I know what a shark is… have a great day, ma’am!”

(I’m working the register. The shift lead is making drinks, and the manager is in the back. A woman comes in and stands in line, holding a puppy in her arms.)

Shift Lead: “Excuse me, ma’am, but it’s against health codes to bring animals inside. You’ll have to take your dog out.”

Customer: “It’s a guide dog.”

(The puppy appears to be only a few months old, and doesn’t have a guide dog vest.)

Shift Lead: “I’m sorry, your puppy isn’t wearing a vest. You’re going to have to take him outside.”

(My manager comes out from the back.)

Manager: “Ooh, look at the cute puppy!”

Me: *facepalm*