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  • Swearing You Into A Job
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  • Category: Pets & Animals

    I Smell A Rat

    | AB, Canada | Bizarre/Silly, Bosses & Owners, Pets & Animals

    (In the province of Alberta, there are no rats, thanks to a massive government pest control program. I work my way through college on a gravel crusher crew. When I am transferred to the night shift, the night supervisor tries to scare me.)

    Supervisor: “Hey, you gotta be careful when you’re out there, inspecting the gravel piles!”

    Me: “Oh? Why is that?”

    Supervisor: “Well, because rats like to hide in the gravel piles!”

    Me: “Really?”

    Supervisor: “Yup. I was out there earlier tonight and I saw a couple of big ones scurry around and hide in the piles.”

    Me: “Well, it was nice working here.”

    Supervisor: “What? You’re not going to quit because of a few rats, are you?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m not quitting. But the government’s gonna shut this place down.”

    Supervisor: *panicking* “What? Why?”

    Me: “Well, there are no rats in Alberta because the government killed them all. If you’ve seen evidence of rats, we have to report it to the government.”

    Supervisor: “WHAT?”

    Me: “Yeah. The government’s probably gonna shut this place down for the rest of the summer while they come in here, go hunting for the rats’ nest, and kill them all.”

    Supervisor: “You’re kidding.”

    Me: “Nope. Have you called this in yet?”

    Supervisor: “I DIDN’T SEE ANY RATS!”

    Me: “Are you sure? Maybe I should call this in anyway, just to be safe.”


    Me: “Really? I highly doubt you’d joke about something so serious.”


    Me: “Okay, then.”

    (I didn’t get any more trouble from him the rest of the summer.)

    Bear That In Mind If You Have One

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Pets & Animals

    (I have just returned to work after a camping trip and am telling some coworkers about it at lunch.)

    Me: “In the middle of the night, I woke up to hear a bear shuffling around right outside the tent! I was glad I’d thought to put the food in the car. We heard in the morning they’d caught a bear in one of the humane bear traps. We had seen the signs up for the traps, but we didn’t think the bears were so close.”

    Coworker: *rolling eyes* “That’s stupid.”

    Me: “What? What’s stupid?”

    Coworker: “Well, the bears are just going to read the signs and know the bear traps are up and avoid the traps.”

    (Everyone stares at this coworker for a moment.)

    Me: “Uh… Bears can’t read.”

    Coworker: *genuinely surprised* “Really?!”

    The Human Vs. Centipede

    | PA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a popular sandwich chain. I am up front serving the last customer in line when all of a sudden one of my coworkers, in the back room, starts screaming like a little girl. I go to see if he is in trouble and find him cowering on top of a table.)

    Me: “[Coworker], what’s wrong?”

    Coworker: “[My Name], YOU GOTTA KILL IT!”

    Me: “What? Kill what?”

    Coworker: *quieter but just as panicked* “You gotta kill it!”

    (He starts pointing to the corner wall. I look to see a bitty, brown centipede just chilling there, minding its own business. Ashamedly, I then start shrieking and jump up on the table with him. The manager hears the screaming and walks in to see what’s the matter.)

    Manager: “Hey, guys. What’s with all the screaming back here? Is everyone okay?”

    Coworker & Me: *pointing towards wall* “YOU GOTTA KILL IT!”

    Manager: “Kill it? Kill what?” *looks to wall* “OH, MY GOD. IS THAT A THOUSAND LEGGER?!”

    (The manager leaps up onto a chair and all three of us start shrieking like banshees and telling each other to go kill it. The health inspector happens to be here doing a routine inspection and eventually comes in to check on us. He is surprised to see the manager standing on a chair, and my coworker and I crouching on a table.)

    Health Inspector: “Is everything okay back here? I can hear you screaming from all the way at the front of the store! You’re all scaring the customers!”

    Coworker, Manager, & Me: *all pointing towards the wall* “YOU GOTTA KILL IT!”

    Their Attitude Has Gone To The Dogs

    | England, UK | Bigotry, Pets & Animals

    (I am home alone when the doorbell rings. I am expecting a delivery for my dad, so I answer.)

    Delivery Man: “Hey, this is pretty heavy. You sure you can get it in?”

    Me: “Yeah, it’ll be fine. I’m only taking it a couple of steps.”

    Delivery Man: “You sure? You’re only a little girl.”

    Me: “I’m stronger than I look, and I’m not going to be taking it far anyway.”

    Delivery Man: “Nah, I should bring it in myself. Don’t want you straining yourself trying to do a man’s job.”

    Me: “No, really. It’s all right. I can handle it.”

    Delivery Man: “I said I’ll—”

    (At this point he’s cut off by a growl coming from behind me. My two big dogs have managed to open the door I shut them behind and are making their own dislike of the delivery guy extremely clear.)

    Delivery Man: “Ah… yeah. You look like a strong woman. Yeah. I’ll just leave this here.”

    (He high-tailed it back to his van and drove off!)

    Out Of Control On Animal Control, Part 2

    | Foley, AL, USA | Bosses & Owners, Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

    (I work at a major-chain hardware store, which has a problem with wild animals occasionally wandering in. Currently, a very persistent opossum has been troubling us. We’ve been catching it and letting it go behind the store, but the assistant manager has had enough.)

    Me: “Sir, who is that?”

    Manager: “Animal control. We’re getting that opossum out.”

    Me: “He’s carrying a shovel and a bucket. How is he going to get the opossum out with that?”

    Manager: “I don’t know, but I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.”

    (The manager shows the animal control man where the opossum is. The man from animal control then tries to hit the opossum in the head with a shovel. I and several customers start voicing our protest and outrage as the poor animal runs away. The man from animal control swears and runs after it.)

    Manager: “That is not a [Store] employee! That is not a [Store] employee!”

    Out Of Control On Animal Control

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