• Very Genderal Humor
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  • October's Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

    Category: Pets & Animals

    His Own Pet Project

    | Cornwall, England, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Pets & Animals

    (I am with a group of around 40 coworkers at a training session before the holiday park opens for the summer season. One of my coworkers is pretty unpopular due to being withdrawn, quietly aggressive and generally giving off a weird and creepy vibe. As part of the training session our manager asks us for examples of incidents that we should report to security should we come across them in the course of our work. There is silence for a minute or two while everybody is thinking.)

    Weird Coworker: *in a flat, matter of fact voice* “People killing their pets”

    (We all turn to look at him unbelievingly, waiting for him to repeat thinking surely we didn’t hear him right.)

    Weird Coworker: *again, perfectly matter of fact* “You know, like if a customer was killing their dog. We should report that.”

    Manager: “Um, yeah… you should report that.”

    Everyone Else: “…”

    Passed With Flying Kills

    | NY, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Bosses & Owners, Pets & Animals

    (Our office is plagued with summer insects. I have just swatted a fruit fly.)

    Manager: “Did you kill something?”

    Me: “Yeah, but it was only a little one.”

    Manager: “Every life counts, no matter how small. You’ve put out another tiny light in the world.”

    Me: “Are you trying to make me feel guilty or accomplished?”

    Manager: “Accomplished. Kill the b******s!”

    This Employee Has Gone To The Dogs

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Bosses & Owners, Lazy/Unhelpful, New Hires, Pets & Animals

    (My boss is notorious for hiring really bad employees and believing that they will change. I am studying to be a veterinarian, but I work in the kennel as the head of kennel staff. This particular day is a working interview with a teenage girl who wants to work in the kennel.)

    Me: “So, do you want to be a veterinarian? Most people who want to work here do.”

    Girl: “Nah. I want to be an anesthesiologist. That’s where the money is.”

    Me: “Oh. We don’t really do too much here in that field. Have you applied at surgical centers? Just curious.”

    Girl: “No, I thought this would be more fun.”

    Me: “It can be fun, but it’s a lot of hard work. It’s not just playing with puppies and kittens. We sometimes get dangerous dogs, and we have to clean up a lot of nasty things.”

    Girl: “Wait, big dogs? I don’t like big dogs.”

    Me: “Well, yeah, we’re obligated to treat animals that come in here, including big dogs.”

    Girl: “Can you just take care of them?”

    Me: “You will probably have to work alone sometimes.”

    Girl: “Oh… With the cleaning… will I have to touch wet hair? It’s kind of a phobia…”

    Me: “… You’re working with dogs and cats. Part of the job is to bathe dogs. Yes, you will be touching wet hair. It looks like they’re done in surgery. We should probably clean up the table before the next one.”

    (We enter the room. There is a ton of blood on the table and floor, along with clumps of hair that were wet with blood. Turns out a dog had been hit by a car and needed a leg amputated. Not uncommon. I started to clean up.)

    Me: “Here, grab the spray bottle and start cleaning.”

    Girl: “Oh, my god, I’m going to pass out.”

    Me: “What?!”

    Girl: “Blood makes me dizzy…”

    (I had to take her into the back office to sit out the rest of the day. Later, I was talking to my boss about her.)

    Boss: “Hey, how did [Girl] do today?”

    Me: “Not so good. She’s afraid of big dogs and she passes out at the sight of blood. Oh, and she gets freaked out at the texture of wet hair. I don’t think it will work out.”

    Boss: “Well, maybe we should give her a chance. She seems pretty nice! And she told me she wants to be a vet. Maybe working here will help her get over her fears!”

    Me: “… She told me she wants to be an anesthesiologist.”

    Boss: “Weird. She must’ve lied to you. We’ll hire her and see how she does!”

    (She lasted about four months before she quit. She ended up being really whiny and complained when people tried to make her clean. She never got over her fear of large dogs, blood, and wet hair. If she was afraid of that stuff and knew she would only make minimum wage, why on earth would she even apply to this job?)

    Really Feline The Love

    | UT, USA | Coworkers, Pets & Animals

    (I work in a physical therapy clinic. I am a female chatting with a female coworker about our pet cats.)

    Me: “He purrs as loud as a mack-truck. I can literally hear him from the other side of the room.”

    Female Coworker: “That’s kind of cute, though.”

    Me: “The only time he wants to cuddle is between two and four am. He also snuggles up to me, and lays across my chest with his face in my face. I’m ok with it, until he starts licking my face!”

    (A male coworker wanders in, only hearing the part about “him licking my face.”)

    Me: “I’m getting kind of tired of it. It’s a really annoying habit of his.”

    Male Coworker: “Wait, what are you two talking about? Are you talking about your husband?”

    (My female coworker and I burst out laughing.)

    Me: “My cat! We’re talking about my cat.” *laughing* “My husband doesn’t lick my face, much less purr. He would also squish me if he laid across my chest.”

    Male Coworker: “I wonder if that’s why I couldn’t get any girls to go on a second date with me.” *mimics nuzzling into someone, then sticks out his tongue, pretending to lick someone*

    Me: “How did you get your wife to marry you?”

    Male Coworker: “Turns out, she’s just as weird as I am.”

    Female Coworker: “Well, that conversation just took a turn.”

    Didn’t Get Anything From The Tree Of Knowledge

    | NY, USA | Crazy Requests, History, Pets & Animals, Religion

    (My family is Mormon and lives near Palmyra, NY, where Mormonism was founded when Joseph Smith prayed in a grove of trees near his house. This grove of trees is called in Mormonism “The Sacred Grove,” and bears a lot of religious significance to Mormons. The grove and the land are now owned by the Mormon Church, and a lot of tourists (Mormon and non-Mormon) come visit it. My younger brother, a teenager, works as the groundskeeper for the farm, grove, and a few other nearby sites of religious significance to Mormons. He gets a radio call from one of the missionaries that act as tour guides that there is a guest who’d like to speak to him.)

    Brother: “What can I help you with?”

    Guest: “Are you the groundskeeper?”

    Brother: “Yes.”

    Guest: “I have a complaint.”

    Brother: “I’m sorry to hear that. What’s wrong?”

    Guest: “I was out in the Sacred Grove, and there are SNAKES out there!”

    Brother: “Yes. We try to keep the grove as much like it was when Joseph Smith prayed in 1820 so that anyone who would like can commune with God. That’s why, other than trails and a few benches, there is nothing unnatural in there.”

    Guest: “But there are snakes!”

    Brother: “Yes, there are snakes.”

    Guest: “Get rid of them.”

    Brother: “It is nearly 100 acres of wild, upstate NY forest. There are snakes in there. There is also poison ivy. That’s why, other than the established clearing, you stay on the path.”

    Guest: “But there are SNAKES!”

    Brother: “There are snakes. They aren’t poisonous, and they’re not hurting anyone. They are in their natural habitat. There were snakes when Joseph Smith prayed. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’m sorry it upsets you. By all reports there was a snake in the Garden of Eden, too.”

    Guest: *wandering away* “It’s just so inappropriate!”

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