(My voice mail message is a recording of me singing the chorus of “Hello” by Lionel Richie with the words changed to include my name, number, etc. On this day, I notice my doctor’s office calling, and that I already have a missed call from them. I pick up the phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Receptionist: “Wait, is this [my name]?”

Me: “Yes, this is she.”

Receptionist: “Darn it! I just called and got your voicemail, and it was so cute I called right back to hear it again! Why did you have to pick up the phone?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Receptionist: “Well, that’s okay. It is a great voicemail, though.”

Me: “Oh, uh, thanks…”

(She called back again the next day, presumably to hear my voicemail again because she didn’t leave a message!)

Me: “Good afternoon, and thank you for calling [company]. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

Other Agent: “Hello, and thank you for calling [other company]. My name is [name]. How can I help you? ”

Me: “Um… is anyone else on the line?”

Both Of Us: *silence*

Me: “Did you call outbound?”

Other Agent: “No, did you?”

Me: “No. Well, have a nice day, I guess?”

(I still have no idea what happened on that call!)

Related:
Me, Mime-self, And I

(My car is in for service at its dealership, and I am waiting by the service desk to sign the paperwork to get it back.)

Employee: “Oh! Oh! Oh! Is your name Bella?!”

Me: “What?”

Employee: “Bella! Like from Twilight! You know, Twilight, right? Your name matches!”

(Note: my full name is not printed on the paperwork, only my first initial and my last name. While my initials match Bella’s, this is, in fact, not my name.)

Me: “My name isn’t on the paper.”

Employee: “Have you ever been to Washington?”

Me: “I visited… once?”

Employee: “Oh-em-gee! Bella’s real! I met Bella! Is Edward as dreamy in real life?”

Me: “I… just… please let me sign for my car?”

Employee: “Aw.”

Me: “Excuse me; I was looking for [brand] gin, but I didn’t see any on the shelf.  Do you know if you have any more in the back, or am I not looking in the right section?”

Employee: “You don’t want that.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Employee: “Gin is gross. It tastes like floor cleaner. You don’t want that.”

Me: “Actually, I am rather fond of that brand of gin. And, I need gin to take to a party where we are making gin martinis.”

Employee: “Buy vodka; it’s better.”

Me: “No, thank you. I don’t want vodka. I want gin  Now, are you all out of [brand]?”

Employee: “H*** if I know. Gin is nasty!”

Me: “Umm…okay. I’m sorry you don’t care for it, but could you still check to see if you have any more of that brand in the back?”

Employee: “No.”

Me: “No?”

Employee: “That’s what I said. No. I won’t check. Gin is nasty. Trust me, dude, I’m saving you from yourself. You don’t want gin.”

Me: “Is there someone else I can speak to? Is there a manager, perhaps?”

Employee: “Yes, there is, but I won’t get him.”

Me: “Why not?”

Employee: “Dude, you don’t get it. Gin sucks. It’s nasty. It tastes like a floor cleaner. I gotta protect the reputation of this store, so I can’t let you buy s****y alcohol!”

Me: “Never mind. I’ll get a different brand.”

(I wander back over to the section where the gin is stocked and pick out a different brand to purchase. I return to the counter and set the bottle down. The employee picks it up, sees what it is, and puts it under his counter.)

Employee: “For God’s sake, dude! I already told you, you don’t want gin! Get vodka, won’t you?”

Me: “Okay, listen: you don’t like gin, I understand. But, I happen to like it. Please, can I just purchase that bottle and be on my way?”

Employee: “Nope, not gonna happen.”

Me: “Okay, then get your manager. Please.”

Employee: “Fine, have it your way!”

(The employee calls the manager from the back.  The manager, an older gentleman, comes out of the backroom and approaches me.)

Manager: “Is there a problem here?”

Me: “Yes, there is. I just want to buy a bottle of gin, but your employee won’t let me.”

Manager: “Why would you want to buy that? Gin sucks!”

(I walked out. Luckily, I found another liquor store a few blocks away that had my preferred brand of gin.)

(This takes place a month after I quit my job as a telemarketer. One day, I get a phone call from a different company trying to sell the same things I was selling at my old job.)

Telemarketer: “Hi, this is [name] from [company]. Is [my name] available?”

Me: “Speaking.”

Telemarketer: “Awesome! We at [company] are currently going through our old loyal customers and since you have been such a great…”

(At this point I recognize the pitch, as it was the exact same one I had been taught to use at my old work place.)

Me: *joining in* “…customer for us, we are glad to let you know that we are donating you six months’ worth of a magazine of your choice…”

(I continue talking at the same rhythm with him, repeating the old sales pitch from word to word. Surprised, he starts slowing down, until his words fade away and I finish the pitch alone.)

Me: “Yes, can you imagine getting six months of a magazine of your choice for free? The only thing you’ll need to worry about is the postage. So, for merely 20€ a month, you can get [lists various magazines] and receive a gift that is worth over 60€. What do you think? Shall we mail the first magazine this week?”

Telemarketer: “Uh…”

Me: “Yeah, sorry dude, not biting. Been there, done that.”

(He didn’t even bother to say good bye or anything and basically just dropped the call right there. On the positive side of things, they never called me again.)