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  • Cheering Up And Dumbing Down
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    Category: Coworkers

    The Butt Of The Joke

    | CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers

    (I am the host at a popular chain restaurant. It’s a busy Friday night and I am the controller in charge of the wait list, telling the other people where to sit guests and perform other duties such as cleaning with two other hosts. The other two hosts are off either seating guests or cleaning. The phone rings so I answer it.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. Um… I’m so sorry. This is embarrassing. I’m in your bathroom and, um… there’s a problem…”

    Me: “Oh no! Is there a toilet overflowing? Which bathroom are you in? I’ll send someone in right away.”

    Caller: “No… well… I’m in the men’s bathroom…”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

    Caller: “I’m stuck in the bathroom.”

    Me: *extremely confused* “What’s wrong?”

    Caller: “There isn’t any toilet paper, and… well… I just went… you know… number two…”

    Me: “OH! Oh, no, I’m so sorry. I’ll send someone in, but the other hosts are away. It might be a few minutes, so for the time being, would you be able to get some from another stall?”

    Caller: “I tried… and, well… I can’t stand up. I don’t want to make a mess all over your bathroom! Please send someone!”

    (The caller hangs up and sounds really upset. I can’t find my hosts, so I feel I have to abandon my post and grab the first male server I can find. I explain the story to him and he stares at me, eyes wide and mouth agape.)

    Server: *laughing* “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

    Me: “Please, just bring some toilet paper in to the bathroom because this poor guy is just sitting there!”

    (The server came out of the bathroom and back up to my host stand.)

    Server: “There is no one in there. There is feces all over the walls and floor. Since you should have been sending your hosts to do bathroom checks more often, it’s now your job to clean it.”

    (I have an awful gag reflex and almost started crying picturing the horror I was about to see, when all the servers in the area just lost it and started laughing. Turned out the server I grabbed to bring toilet paper to the caller WAS the caller playing a prank on me. After that day, he and several other servers would call almost every shift with some ridiculous request. Since I’m oh-so-obliging, I almost always fell for the pranks.)

    Cheering Up And Dumbing Down

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Coworkers, Language & Words

    (I work with a woman whose first language isn’t English. She speaks with a strong accent and has good skills but doesn’t realise that customers don’t always get the grasp of what she is saying. I often find myself butting in to translate for customers. Another staff member has let me know that it’s upsetting her because she thinks I think she is stupid. She definitely isn’t. After one such incident, she’s walked off and I can see she is upset so follow her to explain.)

    Me: “[Coworker], I am sorry if I upset you by butting in on your customer.”

    Coworker: “It’s okay.”

    Me: “No, I realise I upset you by doing it and need to explain. I know you are very smart and while I understand what you have said perfectly, sometimes the customers don’t.”

    Coworker: “Huh?”

    Me: “Yes, You explain things to them like they are intelligent adults, but need to realise that most of them are actually dumb. You often can’t work out how to dumb it down. I speak perfect dumb which is why I butt in.”

    (My coworker burst out laughing and hugged me.)

    Can’t Talk You Back

    | NJ, USA | Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Theme Of The Month

    (I have been working for a particular client for many years, during which time we develop a host of personality conflicts. It is rare that we do not have some kind of major disagreement. Frankly, I keep the job simply because it is regular work. Finally, I can’t take it anymore, and quit. She counters by offering incentives to stay.)

    Client: “How about this: if you stay, you don’t have to talk to me for two months?”

    Me: “Or, I could not talk to you for the rest of my life.”

    Attractive In Many Ways

    , | Australia | At The Checkout, Coworkers

    (At our deli we serve customers on a “whoever is closest and available” basis. An attractive man has just walked up to exactly where I’m filling. I’ve just finished taking off my chicken-soaked gloves and have opened my mouth to greet him when my female coworker appears next to me with a wide smile, seemingly out of nowhere.)

    Coworker: *to me* “Shoo.”

    (The customer just chuckles and rolls his eyes at me.)

    Quiet Faith

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Coworkers, Movies & TV, Religion

    (I am a Christian and my faith is a strong part of my life. Although I never talk about religion at work, many of my colleagues know me on Facebook where I am not shy about expressing my faith. As such, many of my colleagues associate me as being ‘religious.’ I am just chatting to one of these colleagues, who was also previously my boss before I transferred to another department.)

    Coworker: “Hey, I thought about you on the weekend!”

    Me: “Yeah?”

    Coworker: “Yeah, I saw this show – I don’t know if you’ve seen it – called Justified?”

    Me: “I haven’t seen it.”

    Coworker: “It’s this crime show. Like, really really vicious, extremely violent crime—”

    Me: “And this made you think of me?”

    Coworker: “—and religion.”

    Me: “So that’s what you think of me?”

    Coworker: “It was the religion bit!”

    Me: “Horrific, vicious, violent crime.”

    Coworker: “And religion! It was the religion bit!”

    Me: “Religion associated with violent, vicious—”

    Coworker: “Well, they do say to look out for the quiet ones!”

    Me: “They haven’t convicted me yet!”

    Coworker: “That’s because you’re too smart to get caught!”

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