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Featured Story:
  • Swearing You Into A Job
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  • Category: Coworkers

    Sure Beats Going Spinning

    | Bremerton, WA, USA | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Themed Giveaway

    (One of my male coworkers has recently found out that his wife is pregnant. A female coworker and I [also female] are discussing it with him.)

    Me: “Oh, yeah, and make sure she does her kegels.”

    Coworker #1: “What’s a kegel?”

    Coworker #2: “It’s exercises for her hoo-hah.”

    Coworker #1: “What?! That exists?”

    Me: “If she wants any kind of real bladder control after the baby, she’ll wanna do them.”

    Coworker #2: “The hospital will show her how.”

    Coworker #1: *looking more and more distressed* “They’ll SHOW her?!”

    Coworker #2: “Uh, they’ll explain it to her.”

    Me: *snorts* “Yeah, they’ll demonstrate for her. ‘Just do it like this, ma’am!’” *I paste on a creepy grin, stare Coworker #1 dead in the eye, and don’t move* “See? I just did, like, 18 in a row.”

    Coworker #2: “Basically.”

    Me: “Basically.”

    Coworker #1: “Oh, my god. I need brain bleach.”

    Boss: *from outside* “WHO BROKE [COWORKER #1]?!”

    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 5

    | Madison, WI, USA | Coworkers, Employees, Liars/Scammers, New Hires

    (I’m the general manager at a gas station. We’ve always had problems with scammers trying to activate gift cards over the phone, but lately they’ve gotten a lot more annoying. I’m working with a new hire when I answer the phone. We’re both fluent in sign language.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [Store]. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m from [Company] customer support. We’ve received an automatic error report from your location, and I’m calling to confirm. Did you recently have trouble activating a gift card?”

    Me: *signs* “It’s a scammer.” *out loud* “No, not that I’ve been aware of.”

    Caller: “Hmm, that’s odd. Can you please ring up a gift card and check the activation code?”

    New Hire: *signs* “Can I mess with him? Pretty please?”

    Me: *signs* “Sure.” *out loud* “Here, let me get my manager.” *passes the phone*

    New Hire: “‘Dirty Dan’s House of Hookers,’ you got the dough and we got the blow! How can I help you today?

    Caller: *hangs up*

    (He’s a keeper!)

    Related:
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 4
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 3
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 2
    From Not Always Related:
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers

    Don’t Just Be Married To Work

    | Greely, ON, Canada | Awesome Workers, Bosses & Owners, Coworkers

    (I work housekeeping for a retirement home. I’ve just worked an entire weekend and a holiday all by myself and I’m exhausted. Typically, when you work a weekend and a holiday, you get the next day off. I wasn’t given it this time and I’m even more tired and cranky by Tuesday. On Wednesday, I have serious doubts about going in, but I decide to grin and bear it. Also worth noting is I’m getting married on Thursday and have arranged to take the day off. My boss has called me into her office just before lunch break.)

    Boss: “I was going over the weekend schedule and wondering why it takes so long to finish up. I know I normally say you can leave some things set aside for during the week, but what is it, really?”

    Me: “I think it’s just the sheer amount of beds to make, especially when some need to be changed. It takes a lot of time and energy. I know after I finish the beds, I start slowing down because I’ve used a lot of energy up. Everything else is pretty easy. It’s just the beds that really kill the weekends.”

    Boss: “What else?”

    Me: “I think that’s pretty much it… Weekends wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for beds. It gets pretty hard and doesn’t leave much time for anything else, especially if we get called around. And also [Dietary Director] called me and asked me to help in the dining room. I only gave them half an hour, but it still dug into my schedule.”

    Boss: “You didn’t have to do that. That’s not our responsibility.”

    Me: “I know, but I like to help out. If we’re in a bind on a weekend, the other departments always give us a hand, even though it’s not their job.”

    Boss: “You have a point there… For things like that, you do need to tell me so I can make sure you get paid.”

    (The conversation carries on in a similar manner, with us just discussing the schedule. I feel myself begin to relax, knowing I’m not in trouble for not leaving at the right time on weekends. Then my boss has one last thing to say.)

    Boss: “I need to show you something downstairs.”

    Me: *getting nervous* “Is it the avalanche of boxes in the office? I was going to get it cleaned up after lunch.”

    Boss: “Just come with me.”

    (We stop in front of the residents’ craft room. Through the window, I can see the lights are off and the room is pitch-dark.)

    Boss: “Hmm, I don’t have my key.”

    Me: “Here, I’ve got it.” *moves to open the door* “Huh, it’s already open…”

    (Suddenly, the lights flashed on and all my coworkers and people from other departments screamed out, ‘SURPRISE!’ I nearly fell over in shock! Turned out my boss just wanted to distract me while my coworkers set up a bridal shower for me, complete with presents, pizza, cake, balloons, soda, and so much more! It was the best lunch break ever! My husband-to-be and I almost teared up when we read all the cards and looked through all the presents when I got home. Things like that make my job so worthwhile and make me love the people I work with.)

    An Alarming Lack Of Proper Procedure

    | Perth, WA, Australia | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers

    (I work for a software development company. I put in a lot of overtime, and as such am usually the last to leave. On occasion, I will forget to execute a step in our end-of-day close-down procedure, whether that is setting the alarm, turning on the server A/C, etc. I usually get spoken to when this happens. I arrive this morning, and the following ensues.)

    Boss: “[My Name], were you the last to leave last night?”

    Me: “No, [Coworker] was. Why, what happened?”

    Boss: “The alarm wasn’t set again last night.”

    Me: “Oh…”

    Boss: “I swear; we might have to take the keys off you guys.”

    (15 minutes later, my coworker arrives.)

    Boss: “[Coworker], were you the last one here last night?”

    Coworker: “No, [Company CEO] was. Why?”

    Boss: “Oh…”

    Me: *maniacal laughter*

    Steal Herself For An Arrest

    | TX, USA | Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal, Liars/Scammers

    (I’ve just been hired on at a store as seasonal worker. There have been a few random thefts that can’t be explained.)

    Coworker #1: “They just started up around the time that you and [Other Seasonal Worker] started. It’s funny.”

    Me: “The manager told me about it. She said someone had taken the money we’d collected for the breast cancer awareness and shoved the envelope behind the desk in the office. We’ve also been losing around $10 or $20 from the registers from time to time.”

    Coworker #1: “I can’t believe someone would do that. It offends me so much. God provides for us. I bet they’re using it to buy their drugs. That’s disgusting. If someone wanted to be lazy and just steal, they should let the prison take care of them.”

    Me: “That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? Besides, we don’t know who it is. What if they needed the money for food?”

    Coworker #1: “Because no one steals money for food. I wonder who it is. I know it’s not me or [Assistant Manager]. It could be you or [Other Seasonal Worker].”

    Me: *offended* “I know you don’t know me, but I’d rather have the job than just chance losing it by taking money like that.”

    Coworker #1: “Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just saying; it could be any one of us. Except for [Assistant Manager]. She works so hard all the time, trying to pay her way through school. I bet it’s [Other Seasonal Worker]. She just looks the part. Like a druggie, you know? And I heard she’s been flitting from one job to the next. I bet she just doesn’t want to get caught.”

    Me: “I’m sure [Manager] will find out who it is and the matter will be settled.”

    (Six months later, we have a robbery. I’m not in on that day, but I hear from another coworker how Coworker #1 was there and gave a lengthy description of the thief to the cops and how it happened. Two weeks after that, she’s no longer on the roster.)

    Me: “Oh, we lost [Coworker #1]?”

    Coworker #2: “You didn’t hear? She got fired for theft.”

    Me: *shocked* “What?”

    Coworker #2: “She kept urging the manager on duty to go get some food, and while he was gone, she shoved the money down her sock and made some sob story about how she dropped some dimes. While she was picking them up, she said the customer leaned over to grab the money and ran out. Except the till squeaks when you take money out and [Manager] tested that. They went over the tapes and saw her stealing it. So they gave her the option to come in and give the money back and just be fired, or they’d call the cops on her.”

    Me: “She always talks about how much money her husband makes! Why would she need to steal?”

    Coworker #2: “I don’t know, but she told the manager it’s because she’s bi-polar and was off her meds.”

    Me: “Did she steal that breast cancer money?”

    Coworker #2: “Yeah! She kept telling everyone it was that other seasonal employee, because she looked like a druggie.”

    Me: “Oh, man. You realize she gave the police a false report, right?”

    Coworker #2: *smirking* “Yeah, so she’s likely going to go to jail anyway.”


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