(A coworker recently banned a young woman from attending a weekly story time at the library because she was constantly being disruptive.)

Coworker: “This sucks. I feel so bad.”

Me: “But you have the rest of the customers to consider.”

Coworker: “I know, but I still feel bad about kicking her out.”

Me: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few… or the one.”

Coworker: *staring* “Did you just Star Trek me?”

Me: “…Yup.”

(It is my first week working at a popular fast food restaurant. I tend to fidget when I get nervous, and in my fidgeting I accidentally trip our silent burglar alarm in the middle of an order.)

Me: “Um, [manager], I’m really really sorry, but I think I just tripped the burglar alarm.”

Manager: “Thanks for letting me know. [Coworker], take over here. I’m going to head out to the parking lot to let the cops know it was a false alarm.”

(He leaves, and I am left apologizing all over myself to my coworker.)

Coworker: “Really, it’s no big deal. Everybody does it once when they’re new.”

Me: “Really?”

Coworker: “Yeah, and you handled it way better than the last guy.”

Me: “What’d he do?”

Coworker: “We found him trying to rip the alarm out of the wall. Turns out he was really high and didn’t want the cops to catch him! He got fired on the spot.”

(Two of my coworkers, Worker #1 and Worker #2, are rooming together and working in the same department at the factory. Word spreads around that Worker #1 has been let go/fired, which prompts Worker #2 to head up to the office to talk.)

Worker #2: “Look, Worker #1 needs this job more than I do. He’s trying to go to school and needs the money more than I do. Fire me and bring him back.”

Office: “Sorry, we can’t do that. We can’t just switch who’s been let go and who hasn’t.”

(Worker #2 decides not to argue, but really wants his friend to get his job back because he needs it.)

Worker #2: “Well then, I quit.”

(With that, he left his tools and door card on the desk and left the building. Within a few hours after Worker #2 quit, the office called Worker #1 and offered him his job back!)

(The gas station where I work is often interviewing because we have high turnover. My assistant manager has just interviewed a candidate.)

Assistant Manager: “So, what did you think of that last girl?”

Me: “I didn’t like her at all.”

Assistant Manager: “Well, that’s not a good reason to turn her down. She’s got a good resume and needs part time work, and we need a part timer.”

(We hire the girl, but over the next few months, she shows up over fifteen minutes late to shifts constantly, is short on her drawer more than a couple of times, and the following spring requests a week and half off for her birthday. The assistant manager that hired her has since been promoted out of the store, so I’m talking with my current manager.)

Manager: “This is the third time she’s come in late to work, and she was out of uniform, again!”

Me: “I know, but what can we do except report her to corporate, again?”

Manager: *sighs* “Nothing. At least she’s going on vacation soon. We might be able to get stuff done around here.”

(On the day before her vacation ends, my manager calls me into the office, fuming.)

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Manager: “She just called me and told me she would be a day late.”

Me: “Do you need me to cover her shift?”

Manager: “No, I already have it covered, but you know what she told me?”

Me: “No?”

Manager: “She told me the flight was delayed due to weather.”

Me: “Weather problems? Flight? Where is she?”

Manager: “Well, she said she was visiting her family that lives out of state, but I suspect she’s with her boyfriend, who’s also out of state.”

Me: “Huh, really?”

Manager: “Yep. And I just checked the weather reports for ALL the states. There are no storms that would prevent flights anywhere. I’m reporting this to corporate. She was on her last warning anyway, and I just received permission to fire her as soon as she’s back from corporate.”

Me: “Finally. ”

(When I come in the next day…)

Manager: “You’ll never guess who came in today.”

Me: “Didn’t she say she wasn’t going to be in town today?”

Manager: “Apparently. She gave me her uniform and her letter of resignation, just up and quit!”

Me: “Really?”

Manager: “Yeah, and you want to know what the kicker is?”

Me: “What?”

Manager: “Her letter was basically a rant about how horribly we treated her and how she was going to report us to corporate to get us fired!”

(Is she did file a report, it never affected us as corporate no doubt weighed it against the long list of submitted warnings we had on her file!)

Me: “Hi [coworker], I lost my keys. Could you take this mop bucket and dump it in the sink in the cleaning cupboard for me, please? I want to go see if [other coworker] picked mine up by mistake.”

Coworker: “What do you want me to do with it?”

Me: “Dump it in the sink in the cleaning cupboard.”

Coworker: “Where do you want me to pour it?”

Me: “In the sink in the cleaning cupboard in the toilets.”

Coworker: “You want me to pour it down the toilet?”

Me: “No, the sink in the cleaning cupboard BEHIND the toilets.”

Coworker: “Oh, okay! I’ll pour it down the toilet sinks.”

Me: “…No, the sink in the cleaning cupboard.”

Coworker: “Which cupboard?”

Me: “The one in the back of the toilets!”

Coworker: “Oh, okay! The sink in the cleaning cupboard at the back of the toilets!”

Me: “YES!”

(Five seconds later…)

Coworker: “What did you want me to do again?”