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    Category: Coworkers

    Try To Restrain That Humor

    | IL, USA | Coworkers, Rude & Risque

    (I recently started working as a correctional officer and I am still getting everything for my utility belt. Because of that, I am carrying my spare handcuffs in my purse. It was the end of shift and I was looking for my keys.)

    Me: *after digging through my purse* “Is it weird I have handcuffs in my purse?”

    Coworker: “No… You’ll make some man very happy someday, [My Name].”

    The Mis-appliance Of Science

    | AR, USA | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Math & Science

    (A coworker has set a piece of milled rail down so that it might have been resting against another piece of metal. My boss, not wanting the rail damaged, told my coworker to move it).

    Coworker: “It ain’t even touching!”

    Boss: “Yes, it is. Look.” *points to the rail* “It’s chemistry. If that rail’s going that way, and this is that way, they’re touching right there.”

    Coworker: “No, that would be physics.”

    Boss: *looking confused* “The h***’s physics got to do with this? That’s like out there with Pluto.”

    Me: “No, that would be astronomy.”

    Boss: “The other Pluto.”

    Me: *realizing he meant Plato* “That’s philosophy.”

    Baptism Of Red Fire

    | NY, USA | Coworkers, New Hires, Rude & Risque

    (We are having our daily department meeting. I am training a new hire and it’s his first meeting. We will often start out the meeting with small talk, and someone mentions that today is “Redhead Day”.)

    Me: “Well, I’m a fake ginger, so I guess I wouldn’t be allowed to celebrate.”

    Coworker #1: “And I’m a natural ginger, but I haven’t actually been one for a while now.”

    Coworker #2: “You’re a redhead? No way!”

    Coworker #1: *grins* “Yeah… I would prove it, but that might not be appropriate for the meeting.”

    (The new hire’s entire face goes super red. After the meeting, I receive an email from Coworker #1.)

    Coworker #1’s: “Hey, did I traumatize the new kid?”

    Me: “He’ll live.”

    The (Square) Root Of The Problem

    | KY, USA | Coworkers, Lazy/Unhelpful, Math & Science

    (I’ve been looking in a stack for a recipe that I’ve printed off multiple times in the past month, but keeps getting lost.)

    Me: “Ugh, how do we lose so many of these recipes?”

    Coworker: “I don’t know.”

    Me: “Well, why not? You’re supposed to know. Why else would we keep you?”

    Coworker: “Well then, the answer is the square root of laziness times the cosine of disorganization.”

    (It was the nerdiest way to say our coworkers were lazy slobs, but it made my day!)

    Orange Is The New Black

    | ON, Canada | Coworkers, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (I have some coworkers that are unbelievably messy and dirty. They wear the same clothes day after day and never clean up their personal spaces. Everything is covered in crumbs, spills, junk, and the worst part, FOOD. They just leave food sitting around for weeks, and we’re not talking hard candy here, either. It has been complained about to managers but nothing changes. One day I can’t take it any more and confront one of them about it.)

    Me: “Hey, [Coworker], how long has that orange been sitting around?”

    Coworker: “I don’t know. It’s still good, though.”

    Me: “It looks a little soft.”

    Coworker: *picking it up and squishing it* “It’s still good.”

    Me: “I don’t think fruit is supposed to squish like that.”

    Coworker: “It’s fine.”

    Me: “The skin has black marks all over it and it’s no longer orange.”

    Coworker: “No, it’s still good. I’ll eat it.”

    Me: *giving up* “Okay, then.”

    (Several days later…)

    Coworker: “I threw out that orange today, just for you, so you’d feel better. It was still good though!”

    Me: *facepalm*

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