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Featured Story:
  • Swearing You Into A Job
    (1,275 thumbs up)
  • Category: Coworkers

    There Are Verse Places To Work

    | CA, USA | Awesome Workers, Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Language & Words, Top

    (Our office is filled with IT people, which means we may be working odd hours or away from the office. As a result, we keep each other updated through email. One of my coworkers has worked late one night, and discovered her car had a flat tire. This is how she informed our office that she’d be late the next day:)

    Coworker #1:
    “A large metal rod has been found,
    In between my car’s wheel and the ground.
    Though the car’s not at fault,
    The dramatic result,
    Is the tire is no longer quite round.”

    (I am the first to read the email. I feel I have to respond appropriately… in haiku.)

    “When road debris strikes,
    There is but one thing to do:
    Curse the parking lot.”

    (This opens the floodgates.)

    Coworker #2:
    “I feel for you and I believe you’re wronged,
    And blame your car for wheels are not its strength.
    I would go on in this same vein at length,
    But on my desk my daily tasks are thronged.”

    Coworker #3:
    “Blame not the victim of dread circumstance,
    Are you at fault should something prick your toe?
    The tire is deflated enough by chance,
    Puff it to round and watch [Name's] best car go!”

    (The CEO of our company then joins in, who is not to be outdone.)

    “The happy tire revolves the live-long day,
    Never to give [Name] cause for slightest care,
    But meeting rod, is punctured; losing air,
    Becomes a cause of grief and great delay.

    And now the tire that once was round and gay,
    Is flat and [Name] must seek for quick repair.
    She takes her car a new direction where,
    She finds relief but fears the price to pay.

    For tires purchased must installed be,
    And lo the seller will total cost:
    Not just for tire but all the special care,
    To balance, mount plus tax, recycling fee…
    Gives cause to ponder all that has been lost,
    Not seeing rod in road and driving there.”

    (Finally, after getting her tire fixed, the first coworker sends a short message.)

    Coworker #1: “I pity my friends who work at ‘normal’ companies with ‘normal’ people.”

    Chances Of Keeping The Job Are Minute

    | Utrecht, Netherlands | Coworkers, Money, Overtime

    (At the factory where I work, we run eight-hour-shifts, 24 hours a day. We tend to come in ten minutes early on our shifts so the previous shift’s colleagues can ‘hand over’ the shift, along with any points of attention. It is 2 pm, which is the starting time of the shift. In my area, I work with one other colleague. At 2 pm on the dot, I finally see him coming to the room where we work. I approach him.)

    Me: “Why do you keep coming in just past 2 pm? We should be here at 1:50.”

    Colleague: “They only pay us from 2 pm on, so there’s no need for that.”

    Me: “Then why are you leaving at 9:50? They pay you until 10 pm as well you know.”

    Colleague: “Well, the colleagues from the next shift are already there then, aren’t they? So there’s no sense in sticking around until that time.”

    Me: “So you don’t want to come here 10 minutes early but you expect them to be here?”

    Colleague: “Yeah.”

    Me: “That is wrong on so many levels…”

    (Strangely enough, he didn’t get his temporary contract extended!)

    Taking Both The Mourning And Graveyard Shift

    | Rochester, NY, USA | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Family & Kids

    (I am working behind the counter when I see my boss come up to me.)

    Boss: “Where’s [Coworker]? She’s supposed to be in today.”

    Me: “I think she’s at her grandma’s funeral.”

    Boss: “Well, she should come in anyway. Where is she by the way?”

    Me: “She’s in Hollywood, Florida. It’s going to be a long car trip back, unless she takes a plane. And anyway, she’s at a FUNERAL.”

    Boss: “I didn’t go to MY grandma’s funeral when she died. I don’t see why SHE should.”

    (I leave it at that. When my coworker comes back two days later, she walks up to my counter, in her uniform, tired, worn out, red-faced. We begin talking when my boss storms over.)

    Boss: “[Coworker!] You lazy, f****** b****!”

    (My boss slams his hand down on the glass counter, making us, a nearby worker, and even customers jump.)

    Boss: “Why the h*** didn’t you come in on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday!?”

    Coworker: “I had to go to Grandma’s funeral!”

    Boss: “That’s no excuse! While you went off and sunned yourself in Los Angeles, we were working hard trying to get ready for the Christmas sale!”

    Me: “One, she was at her GRANDMA’S funeral! The woman she looked up to! Two, I said Hollywood, FLORIDA.”

    Boss: “Still a hot state. Listen, you stupid girl, you just want time off! Well let me tell you something: if you think you’re getting a secret Santa you’ve got another thing coming!”

    (He goes off. My coworker is in tears, but she’s so scared of him she doesn’t dare take time off to recover. I go up to my boss and ask again.)

    Me: “Why were you horrible?”

    Boss: “It’s her GRANDMA. For God’s sake, she knew the woman was going to die before her! Why get so attached to someone when you know they’ll die before you?”

    Me: “You’re just horrible!”

    (I see my boss later, talking to another employee. I see [Coworker] is trying to sign herself out for the day when I go over. Then my boss calls me.)

    Boss: “[My Name]!”

    Me: “What?!”

    Boss: “Why is [Coworker] so down? I mean, it’s her GRANDMA! I didn’t cry when mine died and I certainly didn’t go to the funeral. I hadn’t seen her in 20 years and I so wasn’t going to! Anyway, last time I saw her she set her pitbull on me.”

    Me: “That’s because [Coworker] LOVED her grandma and her grandma supported her through school, college and getting her new job. She actually liked her!”

    Boss: “So… she HASN’T celebrated?”

    Me: “[Coworker] definitely HAS NOT! She’s really upset about this and I think you should say sorry.”

    (Later, I heard my boss took time off and wouldn’t be coming back until after Christmas. He said he needed time alone.)

    Maybe They Should Just Call It A Day

    | ON, Canada | Coworkers, Overtime

    (I work security at a local college. I am currently in what is supposed to be a twelve hour shift, but daylight saving time has rolled back one hour and made the shift thirteen hours. Coworker #1 and I have just returned to the dispatch after doing a check of the school very early in the morning. Coworker #1 also happens to be a Native American.)

    Coworker #1: “Well, that was depressing.”

    Coworker #2: “What?”

    Me: “We were just in the gymnasium. The clock on the scoreboard hasn’t rolled back automatically. So it told us we were an hour away from our shift’s end, when we are actually two.”

    Coworker #2: “Daylight saving is stupid.”

    Coworker #1: “I just remember what my elders had said when told about it. ‘Only the white man’s government could believe cutting the top off a blanket and sewing it to the bottom would make the blanket longer.’”

    Coworker #2: “Wouldn’t it? I mean now you have those extra stitches in there, blanket might be a bit heavier.”

    (The two go back and forth a bit before I speak up again.)

    Me: “You do realize that regardless of the blanket’s length, our shift is still 13 hours.”

    Coworker #1: “F*** crochet.”

    Fired Enquired The Hired

    | USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, New Hires, Themed Giveaway

    (It is my first day, and I’m in the back office. The door has a security code that only employees know. A female I assume works there enters using the code and stares at me for a while.)

    Female: “Hey. Who. Are. You?”

    Me: “I just got hired.”

    Female: *stare* “Where’s… [Coworker's Name]?”

    Me: “She’s at lunch.”

    (She stares at me for a long time, not saying anything. It’s beyond spooky. Then, abruptly, she leaves. A few minutes later, my coworker comes in.)

    Coworker: “Hey.”

    Me: “Hey, someone was looking for you.”

    Coworker: “Oh really, who?”

    Me: “She didn’t say. She had a really spooky, deadpan stare, and just asked where you were and I said at lunch. Then she stared some more and left.”

    Coworker: “Who was it?! Are you lying?!”

    (I described the way she looked and my coworker still looked dumbfounded. It turned out the spooky female used to work there but was fired a long time ago, yet still had the code!)

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