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    Category: Coworkers

    The Weight Can Flip Flop

    | Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Coworkers, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (Way back when floppy disks were in common use, I created an Excel spreadsheet for a presentation my boss was due to make. I handed him a floppy disk with the spreadsheet on it, plus a blank disk as a spare.)

    Boss: “How do I tell which disk has the spreadsheet on it?”

    (The correct answer was that the write-protect tab had been flipped over, but I knew he would take the credit for creating the spreadsheet so decided to have a little fun.)

    Me: “The disk with the data on is slightly heavier.”

    (He actually stands there for a moment with a disk in each hand, trying to detect a difference in the weight, until my coworker takes pity on him.)

    Coworker: “He’s having you on!”

    Boss: “I’ll get you for that!”

    Knows No Better Than Letter

    | OH, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work correspondence for a department in a call center. I do both emails and letters, but I do them at different parts of the day. When an employee sends a letter or email request to the wrong place, it slows both me and their mail down. After several in the same day, I send a communication to my coworker to remind him of the procedure.)

    Me: “Hey, [Coworker], please remember to send all letters to [letter inbox location].”

    Coworker: “Some of them automatically go to [email inbox].”

    Me: “Okay, which? I can get that fixed.”

    Coworker: “All of the emails.”

    Me: “But which letters?”

    Coworker: “All of the emails, it’s just the way emails go.”

    Me: “But which letters automatically go to [email inbox]?”

    Coworker: “All of the emails.”

    Me: “… I am not talking about emails. I am talking about letters. You know, print them out, fold them up, put them in envelopes?”

    Coworker: “When I send an email letter, it goes to [email inbox].”

    (At this point, I grabbed a letter off my desk, got up, and walked over to his desk to explain the difference between emails and letters. I wish it was the first time I had to explain something that simple to a coworker.)

    Needs To Call Out Racism On The Carpet

    | USA | Bigotry, Coworkers

    (I work for a carpet store/warehouse. The store has six salesmen who take customers on a ’round robin’ basis, meaning when a customer comes in, the next salesman ‘up’ handles them, unless he is busy. One salesman in particular is extremely racist and often skips his turn when minorities come in.)

    Salesman #1: *seeing an African-American family enter* “You take my turn.”

    Salesman #2: “Are you sure?”

    Salesman #1: “Yeah. These [racial slurs] never have any money and want everything at a discount.”

    Salesman #2: “Are you absolutely sure? Okay, then.”

    (Salesman #2 proceeds to spend nearly 45 minutes with the man and his family. After they leave, he returns to his desk to do paperwork.)

    Salesman #1: “That looked like fun. The [racial slur] give you the runaround?”

    Salesman #2: “You didn’t recognize him?”

    Salesman #1: *laughing* “No, why? Was he on America’s Most Wanted?”

    Salesman #2: “That was [First Name]—”

    Salesman #1: “All [racial slur]s are named ‘[First Name].’”

    Salesman #2: “[Full Name]. Plays for the [Sports Team]? He just carpeted his entire house in deep plush.”

    (Salesman #2 made a huge commission on the sale. Salesman #1 never lived it down.)

    Cleared For A Break

    | NV, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Theme Of The Month

    (I work as a cashier for a small but profitable sporting goods store. At this time, I’m cashiering with another coworker who has just gone on break. 10 minutes later, she comes to the registers to relieve me. I’m known around our store to be a bit of a joker.)

    Coworker: “Your turn. Go on break.”

    (I turn around and grab the two ‘closed’ signs that we keep at our registers. I hold them in my hands and rub the ends of the signs together like I’m warming up the pads of a defibrillator.)

    Me: “CLEAR!”

    (I slam down the signs onto the counters dramatically. My manager, who happened to walk by the register area, walks away clapping his hands and laughing hysterically. My coworker starts laughing, too.)

    Manager: “That was genuinely entertaining.”

    (I smile and walk towards the back room to take my break. To this day, I’m still surprised they’ve put up with me for a year and a half.)

    Sinfully Delicious

    | PA, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I have a talent for being rather convincing, and talking in such a way that keeps people interested even when they know I’m spewing bullc**p. I attempt to convince a coworker of my goofy opinions.)

    Me: “Urg, I hate mayonnaise”

    Coworker: “What? How can you hate mayonnaise.”

    Me: “Do you know what mayonnaise is?”

    Coworker: “It’s, uh, eggs. And oil or something, isn’t it?”

    Me: “No. Mayonnaise is evil given tangible shape.”

    Coworker: “No, it’s not!”

    Me: “It is! You know how, like, there’s water everywhere in the air? All the air we breathe and walk through contains evaporated water?”

    Coworker: “Yeah.”

    Me: “It’s everywhere around us, but you can’t really ‘feel’ it like that. But the water vapor can gather and condense into rain, or become normal water that we can drink and touch.”

    Coworker: “Well, yeah.”

    Me: “Evil is like that, too. It exists in the metaphysical all around us. Mayonnaise is the gathered and coalesced form of evil made into a tangible shape.”

    Coworker: “NO, IT’S NOT!”

    Me: “It is! Haven’t you even heard the story of The Deal?”

    Coworker: “What? No.”

    Me: “Okay, it goes like this. Way back when, God and the Devil made a deal. Sort of a cosmic game with the souls of all humanity as the stakes. Like, the souls in Heaven and Hell might not stay there. If one wins they get all the souls in the other as well as those of anyone left alive.”

    Coworker: “Okay…”

    Me: “Well, when they started this ‘game’ they each got a handicap. God got that humans would be born inherently good. That they would need to be TEMPTED into being bad. Now, obviously there are many ways to do that: greed, desire, traumatic upbringing, what have you. But people come into this world pure and good and need to be given reason to be bad. You follow so far?”

    Coworker: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Okay, so this was a major card on the table. And to counter the major advantage of mankind’s inherent goodness, the Devil got mayonnaise.”

    Coworker: “What!?”

    Me: “It’s true. The existence of mayonnaise alone is the major balance of the scale to counter out humanity’s inborn purity. It’s the gathering of evil and acts as a tumor upon our lives and our souls. Where it’s found, things get worse.”

    Coworker: “But I LIKE mayonnaise!”

    Me: “Some people like euthanizing puppies. It’s wrong, but we can’t tell people what they like and don’t like. There are some people who work at an animal shelter who get a kick out of putting down a cute little puppy and that’s wrong. Just like YOU’RE wrong for liking mayonnaise!”

    Coworker: “I… that’s terrible!”

    Me: “Whatever. You’re the evil one who’s actively damning our souls with your disgusting food choice.”

    Coworker: “Oh, shut up!”


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