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  • Being Sweet When You’re Sixteen
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  • Category: Coworkers

    Setting A Whole New (Dial) Tone

    | TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Coworkers, Technology, Top

    (My son has managed to urinate on my phone. I towel dry it but it won’t turn on. I put it in a waterproof zipped bag and take it to the big superstore to buy another one. I approach the camera section since no one is in the phone section.)

    Employee: “What can I do you for you today?”

    Me: “Well, uh, my phone… Well, let’s just say it got wet.” *nervous laugh* “And, well, I was just wondering if you could follow me over to the phone section so I could buy another phone. I’ve already removed the SIM card and battery.”

    Employee: “I’m going to need to see the back of the phone.”

    (He proceeds to rub the back of the phone through the bag which, of course, is unsuccessful. He puts the bag down and moves to open it.)

    Me: “NO! DON’T! My, uh. Well, my kid peed on it and I really don’t want you to touch it. I just want you to come with me so you can unlock the phone display so I can buy another one.”

    (After hastily dropping the bag, the employee is now regarding me suspiciously.)

    Employee: “How long ago did you buy your phone?”

    Me: “Two months ago, I think. I didn’t purchase the warranty or anything. Again, could you please just come over and unlock the phone case? I just want to buy another phone. I’m just showing you the old one so you know which one I want.”

    (The employee suddenly jerks back and starts looking at me like I’m a whole new species.)

    Employee: “Wait, you want me to go unlock the phone so you can buy a new phone?!”

    Me: “Um, yes? That is what I’ve been trying to get across to you this whole time.”

    Employee: “You don’t want a free phone or an exchange? You really want to buy a new phone?!”

    Me: “Last I checked you can’t get a free replacement for damaging your old phone with liquid damage so… yes? Just come with me.”

    (I start making ‘follow me’ motions with my hands. After gazing at me warily the employee finally concedes to following me all the while mumbling in a very bewildered tone. We manage to find the exact phone I want and I purchase it. Towards the end an older employee walks up. As I walk off I hear the younger employee talking to the older one.)

    Employee: “Dude, that lady just bought herself a new phone because she broke her old one! She didn’t complain! I didn’t get yelled at! Did that happen or am I hallucinating?”

    Older Employee: *awed tone* “Whoa. That never happens.”

    O, Canaduh, Part 3

    | Houston, TX, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I work the front end of a printing shop. Our press operator comes strolling out on his way to the toilets, wiping his hands on a rag. Both are covered in ink and chemicals that I can smell from my desk across the room.)

    Me: “Jeez, that’s some potent stuff.”

    Press Operator: “Yeah. You know, it’s a d*** good thing we don’t live in Canada.”

    Me: “What? Why’s that? Don’t like the cold?”

    Press Operator: “Nope. Because that new cleaner that the owner bought me causes cancer in Canada, but I’ll be safe down here.”

    O, Canaduh, Part 2
    O, Canaduh

    Letting Off Steam Over Ice

    , | USA | Coworkers, Lazy/Unhelpful, Top

    (Though I usually get along well with my coworkers, there is one who rubs me the wrong way.)

    Me: “Hey, [Coworker]. Could you dump this in the machine please?”

    Coworker: “Why?”

    Me: “Because I hurt my shoulder and can’t pick up the bucket with one hand. If you don’t want to do it I’ll ask someone else—”

    Coworker: “Well, when did you hurt it? I saw you pick up a bucket of ice yesterday.”

    Me: “Three days ago, and that bucket was empty. This one is full to the top with ice. Just forget it. I’ll ask someone else.”

    Coworker: “No. I’ll do it after you admit you’re just being lazy.”

    (I decide to ignore her and turn to ask someone else for help when another coworker stomps up and throws the ice in the machine.)

    Other Coworker: “THERE! Was that so d*** hard? Next time someone asks you for help either do what they ask or tell them no. Don’t waste everyone’s time by trying to pick a fight. Nobody cares!”

    Hellish Working Conditions

    | MI, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Religion

    (Our office has gone through substantial cutbacks in recent years, even though our business has expanded. This has meant a lot more work for the remaining staff. It has put us all under some strain. A recent memo from upper management announcing a new labor-intensive policy was met with groans from most, and a loud outburst from one coworker noted for being… twitchy.)

    Coworker #1: “And Pharaoh said, ‘Don’t give the Israelites any more straw, but force them to make as many bricks as before! They are lazy, demanding to sacrifice to their god! Make them work harder, so they keep working!’”

    Coworker #2: *quietly, to me* “What’s he going on about?”

    Me: “It’s from the Bible. Exodus. He’s comparing us to slaves in Egypt, and the VP to Pharaoh. With his beard, I guess he’s Moses.”

    Coworker #1: “…and Rehoboam said, ‘My father laid a heavy yoke on you, I will make it heavier! My father chastised you with whips, I will chastise you with scorpions!’”

    Me: “And now he’s moved on to 2nd Kings…”

    Coworker #2: “If he brings a scorpion to work, I’m quitting.”

    There Are Verse Places To Work

    | CA, USA | Awesome Workers, Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Language & Words, Top

    (Our office is filled with IT people, which means we may be working odd hours or away from the office. As a result, we keep each other updated through email. One of my coworkers has worked late one night, and discovered her car had a flat tire. This is how she informed our office that she’d be late the next day:)

    Coworker #1:
    “A large metal rod has been found,
    In between my car’s wheel and the ground.
    Though the car’s not at fault,
    The dramatic result,
    Is the tire is no longer quite round.”

    (I am the first to read the email. I feel I have to respond appropriately… in haiku.)

    “When road debris strikes,
    There is but one thing to do:
    Curse the parking lot.”

    (This opens the floodgates.)

    Coworker #2:
    “I feel for you and I believe you’re wronged,
    And blame your car for wheels are not its strength.
    I would go on in this same vein at length,
    But on my desk my daily tasks are thronged.”

    Coworker #3:
    “Blame not the victim of dread circumstance,
    Are you at fault should something prick your toe?
    The tire is deflated enough by chance,
    Puff it to round and watch [Name's] best car go!”

    (The CEO of our company then joins in, who is not to be outdone.)

    “The happy tire revolves the live-long day,
    Never to give [Name] cause for slightest care,
    But meeting rod, is punctured; losing air,
    Becomes a cause of grief and great delay.

    And now the tire that once was round and gay,
    Is flat and [Name] must seek for quick repair.
    She takes her car a new direction where,
    She finds relief but fears the price to pay.

    For tires purchased must installed be,
    And lo the seller will total cost:
    Not just for tire but all the special care,
    To balance, mount plus tax, recycling fee…
    Gives cause to ponder all that has been lost,
    Not seeing rod in road and driving there.”

    (Finally, after getting her tire fixed, the first coworker sends a short message.)

    Coworker #1: “I pity my friends who work at ‘normal’ companies with ‘normal’ people.”

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