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    Category: Coworkers

    Fifty Shades Of Dorian Grey

    | Cardiff, Wales, UK | Coworkers, Movies & TV

    (During a quiet moment, a coworker mentions that he is getting a Kindle and is getting some recommendations for books. We suggest checking out Amazon’s free book section where you can download classic books and novels for nothing. My suggestions eventually reached ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ by Oscar Wilde.)

    Coworker: “Wasn’t there a film adaptation recently?”

    Me: *checking on IMDb as I thought the only one was the 1945 one* “Yes, you’re right. There’s one from 2009 starring Colin Firth.”

    Second Coworker: *overhearing* “What? Back then they made a ’50 Shades’ film?”

    Me: “Dorian Gray. This is actual literature.”

    Callback Slack

    | Singapore | Coworkers, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I have a new colleague. She is nice, but a little dim. I come back from lunch.)

    Colleague: “Hey, [My Name], I have a message for you.”

    Me: “Yeah, okay, what is it?”

    Colleague: “Someone called and asked you to call him back.”

    Me: “Who?”

    Colleague: “Don’t know.”

    Me: “You didn’t get his name? What is the number?”

    Colleague: “He didn’t give his number.”

    Me: “Email?”

    Colleague: “No, no email either.”

    Me: “Company name?”

    Colleague: “I didn’t ask.”

    Me: “Then how am I supposed to call someone back when I have no idea who he is?”

    Colleague: “I don’t know. He said tell you to call him back, so I’m telling you to call him back.”

    Microbrain

    | UK | Coworkers, Health & Body, Technology

    (I am serving several customers at once while my colleague does other chores around the store. The latest customer brings a tub of soup to the counter to be warmed up.)

    Me: *to my colleague* “Can you put this on for me while I serve these customers?”

    Colleague: “No.”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Colleague: “No, I can’t use the microwave.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s very simple. You just need to—”

    Colleague: “No, I won’t use the microwave. I’ll get cancer.”

    Me: “No, you won’t.”

    Colleague: “Yes, I will! Trust me; I know.”

    (My husband works as a radiation safety officer at the local hospital. I told him this later. He laughed.)

    You Bread My Mind

    | Franklin, TN, USA | Coworkers, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (My boss is known for inserting innuendos into conversations and remaining completely deadpan. My coworkers and I in customer service are used to this and find it hilarious. My brother, who works in the bakery of my store, has never met my boss. After her shift one day, my boss goes to the bakery to get a baguette. My coworker sometimes works in the bakery, but is usually in the customer service department and so is familiar with our boss’s banter.)

    Boss: “Do you have any baguettes?”

    (My brother looks in the bins and doesn’t see any.)

    Brother: “Nope. Hey, [Coworker], do we have any baguettes?”

    Coworker: “I have a long hot one in the back.”

    Boss: “Do I have to be in a certain position to get it?”

    Mac And Tease

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Food & Drink

    (Though I’m normally good about eating healthy food, when I’m stressed all bets are off. We’ve had a tense few weeks of projects at my work, and thus most of my lunches have been greasy nightmares, including some homemade mac and cheese. I’m eating lunch when one of my coworkers comes in.)

    Coworker: “Oh, is that macaroni and cheese?”

    Me: “Mm-hm.”

    Coworker: “It doesn’t look like boxed or that quick-make stuff. Is it homemade?”

    Me: “Yeah. I just made a huge pot of it last night.”

    Coworker: “Oh, wow, really? So the cheese sauce is homemade too?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah.”

    Coworker: “Homemade is always better and healthier than that boxed crap. Can I try a bite?”

    Me: “You eat, like, mega-healthy, right?”

    Coworker: “Yeah, so?”

    Me: “This mac and cheese is like 85% grease, 10% salt, 3% cheese, and 2% pasta.”

    Coworker: “Oh, come off it! Homemade anything is always healthier than restaurant or store-bought, because you made it yourself!”

    Me: “Okay, well, that’s not how it works and regardless, since I DID make it myself, I can assure you this is something you wouldn’t want to have. The sauce is just an entire stick of butter and a pound of cheap cheese.”

    (My coworker continues trying to wheedle me for a few moments, and then sits down to her own lunch. Our supervisor comes by and reminds me of something I have to do after lunch. Because of how I’m sitting, I have to turn my back to my meal (and coworker) to talk to my supervisor. When I turn back around, it is just in time to see a big forkful of my mac and cheese go into my coworker’s mouth.)

    Me: “Uh, [Coworker], that’s—”

    (Before I can finish, her face screws up in horror and she spits out her mouthful on the table.)

    Coworker: “OH, MY GOD! EW! What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

    Me: “What the f***’s wrong with ME?! You’re the one that stole my food after I told you you’d hate it!”

    Coworker: *frantically wiping a paper towel over her tongue* “That’s disgusting! How can you put that s*** in your body?”

    Me: “I’m a stress-induced masochist, I guess. Kinda like how you’re a stupid-induced masochist.”

    Coworker: “Well! F*** you, too!”

    (She turned her nose up and stomped off to finish her lunch at her desk, leaving me to clean up the food she’d spat out. But at least she’s never asked me for a bite of my food again!)


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