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  • Swearing You Into A Job
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  • Category: Coworkers

    Staying Late For Their Baggage

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Money

    (We have a sale on just after Christmas. All stock is 40% off but IT gets it wrong and discount items even more. Coworkers go mad after closing to buy stuff.)

    Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name], what do you think of this handbag?”

    Me: “Um, it’s ugly.”

    Coworker #1: “But I really want to buy a bag when they are so discounted!”

    (Coworker #2 walks up.)

    Coworker #1: “Hey, [Coworker #2], what do you think of this bag?”

    Coworker #2: “It’s ugly.”

    Coworker #1: “Yeah, I know it’s ugly, but the lining fabric inside is really nice, and I will be looking inside it more often than looking at the outside. And they are only $11.99!”

    Coworker #2: “REALLY?” *dives into the bags to choose several ugly handbags for herself*

    (Both coworkers turn to me and tell me I need to get some for myself. Both also state their husbands are going to kill them for buying so much. Coworker #2 asks Coworker #1 to pay for hers so her husband won’t find out. They keep me back 45 minutes because I am the only one who can serve them. The next morning, it’s my job to tidy the mess they made on the handbag table.)

    Me: *next to Coworker #1* “Hey, look! I found a bag I almost like”.

    Fathered And Fired

    , | Vancouver Island, Canada | Coworkers, Family & Kids

    (It is my first shift working night shift, and not having adjusted yet I am quite tired. I am lying down in the break room when my coworker calls me up front to deal with a customer.)

    Me: “Hey.”

    Customer: “Hey, how are you?”

    Me: “TERRIBLE! I am EXHAUSTED and I was LYING DOWN and then I was forced to get up to wait on YOU, you B******!” *slams fist down on the counter*

    (At this, I see my coworker’s eyes bug out, and he turns around hoping to avoid the inevitable customer outburst.)

    Me: “Oh, [Coworker], this is my dad!”

    Coworker: “OH, THANK GOD! I was just thinking ‘aw, man. [My Name]‘s gonna get fired!’”

    Got The Meat And Potatoes Of The Meaning

    | CT, USA | Coworkers, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Religion

    (My Muslim coworker from Bangladesh has brought in food for lunch for our group. Afterwards she and I are talking about ethnic foods and meat content. She brought up how a lot of Indian food doesn’t have meat because the Muslim population doesn’t eat pork and the Hindu population doesn’t eat beef.)

    Me: “Yeah, Indian is the only type of food that I really enjoy vegetarian entrees. Most other foods are boring without meat.”

    Coworker: “Oh, I know! I can’t eat a meal without meat in it!”

    Me: “Yeah. Me, too. I’m a cannibal.”

    (There is what feels like a long pause as I realize what I said, when what I’d meant to say was carnivore. Embarrassed beyond belief, and hoping nobody in our very open environment overheard and thought I was serious, she asks:)

    Coworker: “Cannibal means you eat meat, right?”

    (English is not her native language, and I can understand how cannibal might not be in her vocabulary yet. I quickly correct myself and explain the meaning of carnivore vs. cannibal, with a little explanation of herbivore and omnivore for good measure. Once I finally shut up and look to see if she understands, she comes up with the best response possible.)

    Coworker: “Well, it’s still meat.”

    Go At Lunch Like Animals

    | CA, USA | Coworkers, Rude & Risque

    (It’s lunch time, and Coworker #1 has promised to go get Coworker #2 her lunch because he is the only one with a working car at the moment. Coworker #2 has asked to have lunch from a well known fast food chain. Coworker #2 is a woman nearing retirement.)

    Coworker #1: “So you just want a hamburger and a shake?”

    Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s about it.”

    Coworker #1: “So do you want that regular or animal style?”

    Coworker #2: “Honey, I haven’t had animal style for a long, long time. Probably the last time Elvis was here.”

    (It took the rest of our lunch to stop laughing.)

    Sippy Cup Or Tipsy Cup

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Coworkers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I’m waiting on a table with a small child, whose parents order her a virgin strawberry daiquiri. I’m in a hurry and forget to make a note to the bartender to put it in a children’s cup. Sure enough, when I go to check on the table, the child has spilled her drink all over the table.)

    Me: *as I’m cleaning up* “Oh god, I’m sorry. I should have told the bartender to put that in a kid’s cup. That’s my fault. I apologize. Let me go have the bartender make a new one in a cup with a lid.”

    (I head to the bar.)

    Me: “I need a new virgin daiquiri in a kid’s cup—”

    Bartender: “Ring it up.”

    Me: “No. I just need you to make another one. My kid spilled the first one.”

    Bartender: “I haven’t made any virgin daiquiris.”

    (As he’s the only bartender, I’m confused.)

    Me: “Yes, you have. You made one for me five minutes ago.”

    Bartender: “You didn’t ring in any virgin daiquiri.”

    Me: “Yes, I did! You put it up and stuck my ticket on it and I took it to my table!”

    Bartender: “No. I never got a ticket for a virgin daiquiri!”

    Me: “Yes, you did!” *I pick up the basket where we keep the tickets for drinks that have gone out and find mine* “See? Right here!”

    Bartender: *stares at the ticket* “Oh…”

    Me: *getting it, horrified* “Did you just give RUM to a FIVE YEAR OLD?!”

    Bartender: “One virgin daiquiri in a kid’s cup coming up!”

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