(I’ve recently reorganized the cabinets in my floor’s coffee area and added big, obvious labels to help people find the kind they want.)

Coworker: “Hey, we’re out of decaf coffee. You really need to keep up with the ordering better.”

Me: “Really? That’s weird; we just got a big order in on Monday. Did you check in the cabinet labeled ‘DECAF COFFEE’?”

Coworker: “There aren’t any labels on those cabinets! You just don’t want to order my coffee!”

Me: “Shall we walk over there together?”

Coworker: “Yes! And you will see that there are no labels and no decaf coffee!”

(We walk to the other side of the floor. I place my finger on the large white label with the large black letters stating “DECAF COFFEE”, then open that cabinet to reveal five boxes of decaf coffee.)

Coworker: “Oh, THERE it is! You really shouldn’t hide things from us like that!”

Me: “I’ll keep that in mind. Enjoy your coffee…”

(My coworker and I are both waiting on chicken burgers, for which there is a three minute wait. I only need one of the burgers while my coworker needs two. One that has been made for her is up.)

Me: “Hey [coworker], because you are waiting for a second chicken burger and I only need this one, can I have this one?”

Coworker: “No.”

Me: “Well, you’re waiting on the second one. So, it would be quicker for my customer if I took this one.”

Coworker: “I said no!”

Me: “So, you’re going to make both customers wait even though I can take that one?”

Coworker: “It’s MY burger!”

Me: “Yes, but then you could have mine.”

Coworker: “I DON’T CARE! THIS ONE IS MINE! YOU CAN’T HAVE MY BURGER! IT’S MINE!”

(At this point, all our coworkers in the back are watching. The customer in the drive-through also looks horrified, and the customers in the lobby are all staring.)

Me: “Okay…”

(The other two burgers come up; as I go to take one of the two fresh ones, my coworker snatches them both up first.)

Me: “…Those were mine.”

Coworker: “Whatever! Don’t be so childish!”

(Thankfully, my manager had some words with her and I got free food for trying to keep my calm and not raging.)

(I work at my family business, which was started by my grandfather and expanded by my father. I started at the bottom making minimum wage out in the warehouse. One day, a coworker and I have been told we need to come in early the next day. He is clearly unhappy and begins to rant.)

Coworker: “Can you believe that a**hole! Making us come in that early… it’s f***ing ridiculous! He thinks he can make us do all this s***! All them d*** [family name]‘s never worked a day in their life and they treat us like absolute s***!”

(He continues to rant about my family for quite some time. Finally he pauses to take a breath and I can get a word in edgewise.)

Me: “I don’t think that’s true. [My grandfather] started this company. [My father] started here when the company was still tiny, and they have done plenty.”

Coworker: “Man, what the f*** you know? You just started here! How do you know any of that crap?”

Me: “You know, I don’t think I caught your name.”

Coworker: “I’m [name]. Who might you be?”

Me: “I’m [first name] [family name]. Nice to meet you.”

(The gears finally click in his head about who I am, and he turns ghost white and begins to stammer over himself trying to backpedal. I never told any of my family, however; he was fired later that day for cussing out a client.)

(We have recently hired a new coworker, and this is my first shift with her.)

Me: “[Coworker], could you go mop?”

Coworker: “I don’t know how.”

Me: “Okay. Just take the bucket over to the mop sink, fill it up with hot water, and add dish soap and a splash of bleach.”

(My coworker does so, so I go around and start doing the other closing duties. A few minutes later…)

Coworker: “What do I do now?”

Me: “You mop the floor with the water.”

Coworker: “But I don’t know HOW to mop!”

Me: “…You just move the mop across the floor.”

Coworker: “Can you do it for me?”

(Needless to say, she did not last a month.)

Sales Rep: “Hi. I was just wondering why my expenses haven’t been paid in to my bank account today?”

Me: “It will be in tomorrow. Yesterday was a Bank Holiday, so the payments take on extra day to clear.”

Sales Rep: “Why’s that then?”

Me: “Yesterday was a bank holiday.”

Sales Rep: “Yes, I know that.”

Me: “…So, the banks were on holiday. They weren’t working yesterday, so it pushes the whole process back a day.”

Sales Rep: “Really? I didn’t think that would affect it!”