(I am helping a new associate fill out some new hire paperwork. I double check their paperwork.)

Me: “So, I see here on your taxes that someone claims you as a dependent.”

New Associate: “No, no one claims me as an dependent.”

Me: “Okay, then you will have to change ‘Dependent’ to ‘Single, Head of Household’ so the IRS knows you will be filing your own taxes.”

New Associate: “Do I have to? Every time I claim myself on my taxes, I end up owing money.”

Me: “…Yes. Otherwise, that would be tax fraud…”

Themed Giveaway Roundup: Crimes & Punishments! Here’s a final roundup of stories from last month’s themed giveaway!

1. Not Legal Bartender (591 thumbs up)
2. Give Liars A Pizza Your Mind (683 thumbs up)
3. Equality Is A Two Chromosomed Street (662 thumbs up)
4. Process Of Elimination (860 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

(Despite the fact that I’m small, I can hold my liquor quite well. I’ve had about three pints this evening, and am just ordering my fourth.)

Me: “Another pint of [popular beer], please.”

Bartender: “Sure, that’ll be six dollars.”

(I hand him a 10 dollar bill, and he pours my beer and hands it to me. A minute later, I notice he hasn’t given me my change.)

Me: “Excuse me; I gave you a 10, didn’t I?”

Bartender: “No, you gave me a five. You still owe a dollar.”

Me: “No, I remember giving you a 10. I have only tens and twenties in my wallet. You owe me four dollars in change.”

Bartender: “No, you gave me a five. The beer is six dollars. That’ll be one dollar more.”

Me: “I would like to see your manager, please.”

Bartender: “No! He’s out! One dollar, now!”

(I begin to leave the bar. On the way out, I see the manager, who’s just coming out of the back. I explain the situation to him, and he agrees to talk to his bartender. Turns out, the bartender had been pulling that trick for a year on people he thought would be too drunk to notice, and stealing the extra money. The next time I was at that bar, they had a new bartender.)

Entering is as easy as 1-2-3:

1. Submit a funny or interesting story about employees, coworkers, or bosses doing something criminal or illegal—and, if they were caught, how they were punished!
2. Enter your email address in the form to qualify.
3. All posted stories will be entered in a drawing to win a free t-shirt gift certificate, to use in the official Not Always Working shop!

PS: winners will be announced the first Wednesday of every month. Next free t-shirt gift certificate: Wednesday, April 3!

(A pizza delivery guy sped through our neighborhood, ran a stop sign and rammed my daughter’s car. He hit her so hard that he pushed her across the intersection, damaging a neighbor’s fence and a street sign. In an attempt to cover his tracks, he hid his pizza company sign in his trunk, and lied to the police about who owned the car, the insurance, and even whom he worked for. I finally tracked down the owner of the pizza company.)

Me: “Hello, this is [my name], and I’m [daughter's name]‘s mother. Your delivery man rammed my daughter when he was speeding and ran a stop sign in our neighborhood, and then he lied about what company he worked for. He said he didn’t own the car, and he lied about his insurance.”

Owner: “Oh, yes. We’ve been trying to get information about that. He’s supposed to have insurance!”

Me:  ”Well, it seems he doesn’t. It looks like he bought the car from this guy, and he says he doesn’t know the guy. However, they’re Facebook friends, and the title is still in the other guy’s name.”

Owner: “They both work for me! Of course he knows the guy; they work together!”

Me: “Well, it seems he doesn’t have insurance, and I’m sure you don’t want my daughter to end up owning your company, so I’m sure we can come to an equitable arrangement before I have to go to a lawyer about this.”

Owner: “ Certainly. I’ve already been in touch with my insurance company and we just need the details.”

Me: “And did you know that he damaged a homeowner’s fence and a street sign?”

Owner: “…No. Wow.”

Me: “The thing that really got me is that the first thing he did, after the crash, was not to check on the girls in the car to see if they were all right. The first thing he did was to borrow a neighbor’s cell phone so that he could call his job because he didn’t want to get in trouble with his job. That’s all he was worried about.”

Owner: “Well, he won’t have to worry about that any more!”