(I am having stomach pain, and go to the ER. I am over 40. A very young, male doctor comes in. The bed is only screened by curtains from other people.)

Doctor: “So, you’re having stomach pain?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

Me: “Certain. I’m not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Not everyone knows they’re pregnant. The symptoms are…” *reels off list*

Me: “I’m not pregnant. I’ve had two children, and know how my body reacts. Really: not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Every pregnancy is different.”

(Note: by now, everyone in the ER is listening.)

Me: “I am separated. I haven’t had sex in two years. Even a blue whale would have given birth by now. Not. Pregnant.”

Related:
Immaculate Misconception, Part 3
Immaculate Misconception, Part 2
Immaculate Misconception

(My family and I did pictures at a [superstore] about two months ago. For a month and a half, my mother had been trying to get them, only to find out the photo studio went out of business, taking all the money and delivering none of the remaining pictures. After getting the runaround for weeks, my mother gets a phone call.)

Picture Lady: “Hi, is this Erika Christensen?”

Mom: “Yes, who is this?”

Picture Lady: “This is… did you take pictures in the Conway [superstore] a while back?”

Mom: “Yes. I have been trying to get them for months.”

Picture Lady: “I have your photos; if you have not received a refund, I can bring them to you.”

Mom: “Really! Where?”

Picture Lady: “Meet me over at Starbucks.”

(They meet.)

Mom: “I am so glad that you have these.”

Picture Lady: “Yeah, I am just glad that I got ahold of you. When they closed up shop they never bothered to tell us, and ever since I have been trying to track all of you down to get your pictures to you. After all, these are peoples’ families we are talking about here.”

Mom: “You have no idea how much this means to us. Thank you!”

(If you are reading this, Picture Lady: I just wanted to let you know how much this really does mean to us. My grandmother in the picture just got a pace maker put in and we do not know how much time we have left with her. My sister is a Marine and could be deployed soon. My daughter has never had a professional photo before, so this is a big first for our family. Being able to take those pictures with them meant the world to us and now to have them back means even more. Thank you!)

Me: “Hi! Extra large steeped tea, please.”

Employee: “Three milk, one sugar, right?”

Me: “Nearly! The exact opposite.”

Employee: “Oh, okay. One sugar, three milk.”

(My husband and I decide to order pizza from a place which going out of business. I walk in with my infant son in his carseat. Although there are four girls at the counter, not one pays attention to me for a good ten minutes. Finally, I speak up.)

Me: “Excuse me.”

Girl #1: “Ugh, what?! Can’t you see I’m talking?”

Me: “Uh, I’m here to pick up a pizza.”

Girl #2: “That’s, like, not our job.”

Me: “Well, can you get the person who’s job it is?”

Girl #2: “Fine! Gawd!”

(She storms off to the back, while her friends roll their eyes at me. My son starts to get fussy, so I reach down to play with him. I have a very large tattoo across my shoulders, memorializing my parents who died in a car crash.)

Girl #1: “Do you see that piece of s*** on her back?!”

Girl #3: “Oh my god.”

Girl #4: “Ha! No wonder she’s so rude. She’s a f***ing goth!”

Me: “Who the f*** do you think you are, little girl.”

Girl #4: “You can’t talk to me, li—”

Me: “The h*** I can’t! You and your friends have been nothing but rude since I got here! And I—”

(A large man appears. His name tag says manager.)

Manager: “Ma’am you can’t talk to my employees like that.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “These girls are the best employees I’ve ever had.”

Me: “If they are, no wonder this place is closing. I will be taking my business elsewhere.”

Manager: “YOU NEED TO PAY FOR THE FOOD!”

(I leave anyway. The store closed not long after that, and guess which four girls decided to apply at my restaurant? I may have been rude, but those girls should never work in food service!)

(I’m a female in my twenties. After having my car break down for the fourth time in the first year of owning it, I’m shopping for a replacement. I’ve done a great deal of research, and have narrowed it down to a few models. This is what happens at the first dealership I go to.)

Me: “Um, hello?”

Sales Guy: “Yeah?”

Me: “I’d like to look at that 626 you have in your lot.”

Sales Guy: “So go look at it.”

Me: “Okay, when I say look at it, I mean I’d like to test drive it.”

Sales Guy: *laughs* “I think that would be a waste of time.”

Me: “I beg your pardon? Why is that?”

Sales Guy: “Well, because you clearly aren’t going to buy a car.”

Me: “…Well, not from you, not from here, not anymore. Guess this explains why I’m the only customer in here. Bye.”

(Now this is what happens at the second dealership I go to.)

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “Hi there! What can we find for you today?”

Me: “I’m looking for a used Legacy or Impreza. Do you have either of those models?”

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “Oh! Hey, sorry, I don’t think we do… not used. Let me show you this new [completely different make and model], though!”

Me: “Ah, no, I’m sorry. I want a used car that’s affordable and has a proven consumer report record. I did a lot of homework on this, and I’m looking for a select few models. I have a list here.”

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “Okay! Well, let’s go look around the used lot and see if anything there strikes your fancy.”

(We look through the lot, but none of the cars I want are on it. I let him know that I don’t want to waste his time if there’s nothing from my list available.)

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “Well, are you sure? This car is very pretty.”

Me: “No, thanks. My last car was pretty. Didn’t keep it from being a lemon.”

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “Well, hey, so what would it take to get you into a car today?”

Me: “Having a car I wanted to buy would be a good start.”

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “But this car is so pretty!”

Me: “No. I’m not looking for pretty.”

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “You should be!”

Me: “I’m leaving now.”

(It took two weeks, but I finally found a dealership that had what I wanted and didn’t talk down to me. My car has lasted me eight years with very few problems.)