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    Category: Employees

    My Knowledge Isn’t Even Skin Deep

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Employees, New Hires

    Customer: *flagging me down* “Excuse me, we have some questions!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Let me get another associate to help. Today is my first day. I haven’t even begun training yet!”

    Customer: “But that will take too long! I’m sure you can answer some simple questions.”

    Me: “I’ll do my best, but I really would feel more comfortable if you let me get somebody with more experience.”

    Customer: “Nonsense! Now what can you tell me about the leather on this sofa?”

    Me: “Um… it’s from a cow?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “I’ll get another associate, shall I?”

    Customer: “Please.”

    Getting A Pizza His Mind

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Employees, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (I’m home by myself one Saturday night, when I hear the doorbell ring. When I open it, I see a delivery guy with three pizzas in his hands.)

    Delivery Guy: “Hey, sorry that took so long. Here are your pizzas. Your total is $24.00.”

    Me: “Oh… no, I’m sorry—”

    Delivery Guy: *interrupting* “Are you f****** with me? I drove all the way out here to bring you your d*** pizza, and now you think you’re getting it for free?”

    Me: “No, I—”

    Delivery Guy: *clearly not listening* “You’re paying for your pizza or I’m calling the cops, so which is it?”

    Me: “Will you listen to me?”

    Delivery Guy: *ignoring me* “Seriously, I will make that call.”

    (The delivery guy pulls out his phone, either to call the police or his boss, I don’t know, at which point I make myself heard.)


    Delivery Guy: “What?”

    Me: “I didn’t order a pizza. You have the wrong house.”

    (He pulls out a piece of paper, glances at the address, and then back at me.)

    Delivery Guy: “Isn’t this [address roughly two blocks away]?”

    Me: “No, it’s [my address].”

    Delivery Guy: “Oh. Umm… okay.”

    (He turns the leave, and I begin closing my door. As I do, I hear:)

    Delivery Guy: “I’M SUCH A FAILURE!”

    Dealing With Real Estate Is A Real Live Wire

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Bosses & Owners, Employees, Health & Body, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I try to change a blown light bulb in my kid’s room, but the fitting just comes away in my hand, revealing wiring that is brittle. I call the real estate, who calls the owner to repair it. The owners come over with a man.)

    Owner: “This is our electrician.”

    Man: * to me* “Uh, I’m not an electrician. Just a friend helping out.”

    (They get him to replace the fitting. A while later a power socket is blown and having other issues, even as far as giving a small shock when turning off the bathroom light after a shower, so I call the real estate. They call the owner who can’t get here at that time, so he gives permission to send an electrician, who comes a few days later.)

    Electrician: “I’ve replaced the power switch; I didn’t like how it was wired. Looks like an amateur did it. I’m going to check the lights, okay?”

    Me: “Yes, definitely check the lights, please. They are always blowing bulbs.”

    Electrician: *checking metal light fixtures* “Oh, s***! Oh, s***! OH, S***!” *comes to me* “I’m pulling down all of these fittings. It’s a wonder no one has died in this place. Some idiot wired the live wire to the metal fittings instead of the grounding wire!”

    (A few weeks later the owners come over demanding to know what the electrician did and why they have such a big bill.)

    Me: “He said that it was lucky that no one died in this place. All the fitting were wired wrong.”

    Owner: “They were all put in by a professional electrician.”

    Me: “Like the man you tried passing off as an electrician that time?”

    Laughing All The Way To The (Other) Bank

    | MA, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Money

    (I have recently received a promotion and bonus, so I’ve decided to open a savings account at the bank where I currently hold a checking account. I’m talking to an account representative at the branch I’ve been using for three years. Because I do not drive I use a state-issued ID card in lieu of a driver’s license as identification.)

    Me: “I’d like to open a savings account; I have $[total] to deposit initially.

    Representative: “Great! Just fill out these papers and provide your driver’s license.”

    (I hand her my ID card.)

    Representative: “This isn’t a driver’s license. You need to have a driver’s license to open an account here.”

    Me: “That is an official ID issued by the Commonwealth. It’s legally acceptable.”

    Representative: “No, it has to be a driver’s license. I’m just asking for the same identification the teller would ask you for!”

    Me: “No, the tellers are all aware that both of the ID cards are legally acceptable proof of identification. I don’t have a driver’s license as I cannot drive.”

    Representative: “I’m sorry. If you don’t have a driver’s license you won’t be able to open an account today.”

    Me: “Oh, well. In that case I’d like to close my account.”

    Representative: “…close your account? But you haven’t opened one!”

    Me: “Yes, as a matter of fact, I opened account [number] three years ago. However, since you’re no longer accepting my government-issued ID and I will no longer be able to cash my checks here, I’ll be closing that now.”

    (I took everything to the bank across the street, and got a better interest rate on my brand-new savings account than I would have done at my former bank.)

    Must Have Missed THAT Referendum

    | London, England, UK | Employees, Extra Stupid, Geography, Tourists & Travel

    (I’m on vacation and am going through border control in London. I’m spending three days in London then heading to Dublin, Ireland for a week.)

    Border Agent: “What is the purpose of your visit?”

    Me: “Holiday.”

    Border Agent: “How long are you staying?”

    Me: “Three days.”

    Border Agent: “Only three days? Where are you going after that?”

    Me: “I’m flying to Dublin, Ireland three days from now and then I’ll be there for seven days.”

    Border Agent: “You’re going to Ireland? So you’re staying in the UK for ten days, not three.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I’m not going to Northern Ireland. I’m going to the Republic of Ireland… the country. So I’ll only be in the United Kingdom for three days. Then the country of Ireland for seven.”

    Border Agent: *suddenly angry* “No! Ireland is part of the UK! If you’re flying to Ireland, you’ll still be in the UK! You Americans don’t know anything.”

    Me: *giving up* “Whatever. Yes, I’ll be here for ten days.”

    Border Agent: *friendly again* “Okay! Enjoy your holiday!”

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