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  • Baptism By Fired
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  • Category: Employees

    Their Mortgage Is On The House

    | ON, Canada | Employees, Lazy/Unhelpful, Money, Technology

    (Canada Post has a business software glitch which messes up our postcode in our town. It assigns us to the identical house number and street name in the next town along the Highway. I visit a mortgage office branch 300 yards from my house.)

    Me: “I would like to enquire about the balance on my mortgage. I am thinking about paying it off.”

    Employee: “Certainly. Could I have your address please?”

    Me: “Sure, it is [address].”

    Employee: “Okay, you live at [address] in [Next Town]?”

    Me: “No. We live at [address] in [This Town].”

    Employee: “No. The computer says that you live in [Next Town].”

    Me: “No. We live just down the street in [This Town].”

    Employee: “But the computer says—”

    Me: “Look. If, as you say, we don’t live at [address] in [This Town], can we stop sending you our mortgage payments for that house?”

    Employee: “Erm…”

    Coughing Up The Truth

    | St. Paul, MN, USA | Employees, Health & Body, Liars/Scammers

    (A representative at the mall is taking customer surveys.)

    Representative: “Hi there! Do you mind if I ask you some questions about cough suppressants?”

    Me: “Not at all.”

    (We go through the relatively quick survey.)

    Representative: “Thank you for your responses. Would you like a sample of our product?”

    Me: “No, thanks.”

    Representative: “It won’t cost you anything.”

    Me: “I don’t have a cough right now.”

    Representative: “That’s okay!”

    Me: “I am not in the habit of taking medication for something I don’t have.”

    Representative: “It’s really like a piece of candy!”

    Me: “Then why are you promoting it as a cough suppressant?”

    Representative: “Uh…”

    Driving Home Good Music

    | Bridgetown, ME, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Musical Mayhem

    (I’ve been pulled over, which I’m no stranger to, as I have a lead foot. However, this time I’m not speeding.)

    Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over tonight, miss?”

    Me: “No. I’m sorry; I don’t.”

    Officer: “Well, your music was very loud when you drove past me. It’s loud enough that it shook my windows.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry. I’ll keep it down low. I didn’t realize how loud it was.”

    Officer: “I’m going to have to give you a written warning— Hey, I like this song. What is it?”

    Me: “It’s [Song] by [Artist].”

    Officer: “You know what? You have good taste in music. Forget the written warning. Have a great night, miss.”

    The Proof Is In The Pudding

    | Clinton Township, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Employees, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (The cashier is ringing up my items. She peers over the register at me and smiles.)

    Cashier: “Sorry, I’ll try to move a bit faster. I know it must be torture waiting, especially for you!”

    Me: “Me? Haha. I’m in no rush.”

    Cashier: “I just know if I was pregnant, I wouldn’t want to wait for some pokey cashier!”

    Me: “Oh… ah…”

    Cashier: “Pregnancy can especially hurt your feet. I don’t know how you’re wearing those heels! When are you due?”

    Me: “I’m… I’m not pregnant.”

    Cashier: “Yes, you are! You’re skinny but you have a little bump there. You can’t hide it from me!”

    Me: “I think that’s just my stomach distending the way stomachs do. I’m not pregnant.”

    Cashier: “Oh, my goodness. I’m so sorry. Not saying you look fat, but… look at the food you were buying!”

    Me: “I have Motrin and pudding.”

    Cashier: “Exactly! With the tiny bulge and the pudding?!”

    Me: “You thought I was pregnant because I bought pudding?”

    (There’s an awkward silence as we both try to figure out how to move past this.)

    Cashier: “So… What are the plans for this evening?”

    Me: “I’m going to head to the gym. Haha. Maybe I’ll treat myself to a pudding cup afterward as a reward, eh?”

    Cashier: “The gym? You shouldn’t in your condition!”

    Love At First Foresight

    | Traverse City, MI, USA | Awesome Workers, Employees, Love/Romance, Top

    (I’m meeting a girl at a local café. We both have mutual friends and I was coerced into messaging her for a date. She was running a little late, so I was very fidgety in my chair. One of the baristas notices and walks to my table. She is older and very tiny.)

    Barista: “Let me guess. You have a date?”

    Me: “Yeah. She’s late. I hope.”

    Barista: “You hope? Of course she’s coming if there’s a handsome man waiting!”

    Me: “That’s very nice of you! I’m just nervous because… she’s honestly the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. And not to sound pitiful, but I honestly can’t believe she wants to meet me in person.”

    Barista: “Now, you better listen to me. My husband rattled off the same s*** you said: that I was too beautiful, he didn’t know why I chose him, yadda yadda. But you know what? I chose to get to know him because he had all the qualities that made me feel loved. And I wanted to make him feel loved in return. So if what she knows about you so far has lead her to think you might be capable of all that, then that’s an honor, kid. You’ll be fine.”

    (My date walks in. The evening goes incredibly well. Five years later, she and I are engaged. We decide to go to the cafe where we first had a date to celebrate. We walk in and see the same barista, although we doubt she’ll recognize us.)

    Barista: “Hello, and what can I get y— OH, MY GOODNESS! YOU TWO! Oh, my goodness. Is that a RING?!”

    (My fiancée laughs hysterically. The barista affectionately punches my arm.)

    Barista: “I told you so, kiddo!”


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