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  • Swearing You Into A Job
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  • Category: Employees

    This Conversation Can’t Be Saved

    | NV, USA | Employees, Religion

    (Our company buys and leases houses. Although we try to keep tenants left over from the previous owners, we sometimes have to evict them, for which we offer compensation.)

    Accountant: “Hey, [Name]. I have the check here for Messiah.”

    Manager: “What?”

    Accountant: “I have the check… for Messiah?”

    Manager: “You mean Mesia? As in the name of street?”

    Accountant: “What did I say?”

    Manager: “You said Messiah… as in, the Lord descending from above to come to earth.”

    Accountant: “Well, we’re kicking him out.”

    Grammar Is Not Their Calling

    | USA | Employees, Family & Kids, Liars/Scammers, Top

    (My 28-year old cousin is visiting from the UK. He tends to enjoy trolling people. We’ve had a huge problem with a series of telemarketers lately. On the fifth day of his visit, the fourteenth telemarketing call comes in. He insists on answering the phone himself.)

    Cousin: “‘ello?”

    Telemarketer: “Hello. This is [Name] with [Company Name]. Is [Dad] available?”

    Cousin: “Yeah. He’s available.”

    Telemarketer: “Oh, wonderful.”

    Cousin: “Okay. Have a nice day.”

    (My cousin hangs up. I stare at him. He holds up a hand, staring at the phone. Sure enough, she calls right back.)

    Telemarketer: “I’m so sorry. The call seems to have disconnected.”

    Cousin: “Oh, no. I hung up.”

    Telemarketer: “What? Why?!”

    Cousin: “It seemed to me your business was completed.”

    Telemarketer: “I asked I could speak to [Dad]!”

    Cousin: “No, you asked if he was available. I confirmed it, and you said ‘Oh, wonderful’, so that was that.”

    Telemarketer: “Most people understand that when you ask if someone is available, you want to talk to them!”

    Cousin: “Well, now you’re just running on assumption. In polite conversation, you confirm that the person you wish to speak to is there and then ask to speak to them.”

    Telemarketer: “Fine. CAN I speak to [Dad]?”

    Cousin: “I don’t know, can you?”

    Telemarketer: “THAT’S NOT FAIR!”

    Cousin: “You’re the one using poor grammar skills. That’s not my fault.”

    Telemarketer: “FINE. MAY I speak to [Dad]?”

    Cousin: “No.”

    (My cousin hangs up again. My dad and I are cracking up on the couch. My cousin holds up his hand one more time. The telemarketer calls back again.)

    Telemarketer: “Now listen up, you. I’m calling for [Dad], from [Company Name], and I would LIKE to speak with him please.”

    Cousin: “Do me a favor. Check in your files how many times my uncle has asked you to stop calling him. I have a running count here. If you get the number right I’ll hand him the phone.”

    Telemarketer: “You are an awful person.”

    Cousin: “I know. Fabulous, isn’t it?”

    (My cousin hangs up. They haven’t called back since.)

    The Joker Of The Pack

    | New York, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Employees, Food & Drink

    (I am partway through my graveyard shift in the word processing center at a nearby bank. I’ve stepped out to pick up some snacks, including a six-pack of a hard-to-find brand of soda that only this chain seems to carry.)

    Cashier: “Oh. You can’t buy a whole six-pack of this. You have to buy just one.”

    Me: “What?”

    Cashier: *sternly* “You can’t buy the six-pack. You have to buy just one.”

    Me: “Why would that be?”

    Cashier: *suddenly smiling* “Oh. I was just messing with you!”

    (The cashier rings up the six-pack. I stare in sullen silence.)

    Not Making A Valid Pointe, Part 2

    | Hartford, CT, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees, Family & Kids

    (I am at my local gym when I see a sign-up for children to have free activities over the Christmas holidays. These include hockey, soccer and ballet. I sign my daughter up and the next day I get a package from the gym with a gymnastics costume in. When I get back to the gym I go to the sign-up stall.)

    Me: “Excuse me. When I signed my daughter up yesterday, I signed her up for hockey. I got a gymnastics outfit.”

    Clerk: “Yeah. We got overloaded with names for hockey so I put her in gymnastics.”

    Me: “Why wasn’t I contacted?”

    Clerk: “Guess we forgot.”

    Me: “Well, can I pull my daughter out if you’re overloaded.”

    Clerk: *angry* “Christ! You women are so picky! That’s the THIRD time today I’ve had to withdraw a child from an activity! You b****** are just so ungrateful! We’re doing this for free, you know, where other places would CHARGE. You lot are just ungrateful.”

    (I also see my daughter’s friend’s mother there. Turns out, she had signed up her daughter for soccer and got a ballet outfit and was told the same thing. We complained to the manager after we finished our session.)

    Me: “Excuse me. I have a complaint. Your employee at the stall downstairs said that the hockey Christmas activity was full and put my daughter in another group. Then he swore at me when I withdrew her.”

    Manager: “Funny, the hockey group isn’t over-running. In fact, it’s a ratio of one adult to three children. Only 11 children are signed up and we have three adults willing to take part. In fact, the ballet and gymnastics have 17 girls and I think three girls have been pulled out. Come to think of it, at least HALF of these girls were signed up for other sports!”

    (The manager storms out of the office and we follow him to the clerk, who is putting papers away.)

    Clerk: “Oh, hi, [Manager]. I needed to talk to you about—”

    Manager: “Why have you signed up ALL the girls for ballet and gymnastics when some signed up for the other activities?”

    Clerk: “Because if girls play aggressive sports, they look ugly. They need to learn their place. Anyway, I need to talk to you about this woman who is threatening to sue us.”

    Manager: “F*** it! [Clerk], I want to know why you did this. Women have lives OUTSIDE the home!”

    Clerk: “Yeah. But these little b*****s gotta learn they have to use these moves to impress a guy.”

    Manager: “You are not only FIRED, but I will tell that woman I presume you insulted that she won’t NEED to sue because we’ll get her daughter in her chosen sport.”

    (I find out the mother is another mom of my daughter’s friends. When I see her in the parking lot, she and her daughter look distressed and she is crying. Turns out the clerk had called her a ‘f****** b****’ and told her she ‘better stay inside the home or he’d hit her stupid.’ The clerk was fired. When I next heard about him, I was told he had a sexual assault charge on a woman just down from my children’s elementary.)

    Not Making A Valid Pointe

    In An Email Dominated Society

    | UK | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Liars/Scammers, Technology

    (As a result of a technical problem with my internet installation and astonishingly poor customer service following that, I have been trying to get an answer out of this company for three weeks. On twelve separate occasions they have promised me a call back and then ‘forgotten.’ I have called them four hours earlier. I was promised a callback within three hours, which I have not yet received. I have phoned them again.)

    Company Rep: “[Name] speaking. How can I help?”

    Me: “Hi. I rang four hours ago and was promised a call back within three hours from a manager and I haven’t heard anything. Please, could you find out what is happening?”

    (I provide the account info.)

    Company Rep: “I’m sorry you didn’t get a call back. I can see the request on our system but nothing since, and we close in an hour.”

    Me: “Yes, I know. That’s why I rang up four hours ago for a three hour call back. This is the thirteenth time this has happened, and I’m getting annoyed. Please get a manager on the phone.”

    Company Rep: “I’ll just see if he’s free. Please hold.”

    (Five minutes on hold ensues.)

    Company Rep: “I’m sorry. The manager is busy for the rest of the shift and won’t be able to call you tonight.”

    Me: “Okay. Could someone ring me in the morning then, please?”

    Company Rep: “I’m sorry. We can’t do that.”

    Me: “Er… what?”

    Company Rep: “You have to call up yourself on the day.”

    Me: “But I’m calling now because I haven’t had the callback I was promised. I shouldn’t have to keep using my time to chase up requests I’ve already made. Can you please just leave a message for the duty manager to ring me tomorrow?”

    Company Rep: “I can’t do a callback request for tomorrow. We’re not allowed to leave customer information on desks overnight.”

    Me: “I understand data security. I work with customer data. Send them a secure email.”

    Company Rep: “We don’t have email.”

    Me: *incredulous* “Really? So when I spoke to [Name] before and he read out what he was writing in the EMAIL and then told me when he hit the SEND button, he was lying, was he?”

    Company Rep: “Well, er…, what he meant was that he was typing it up and then printed it to leave on the manager’s desk.”

    Me: “And when I spoke to [Name] before that and he actually emailed me from his work account with an update, that was my imagination, was it?”

    Company Rep: “Well, err… I mean…”

    Me: “And do you actually expect me to believe that an international provider of telecommunications, including internet and email hosting services, doesn’t have its own email system and resorts to leaving notes on desks?”

    Company Rep: “I’ll… pass your message on now. Thanks for calling. Bye!”

    (The Company Rep hangs up. Unsurprisingly I continued not getting the callbacks I was promised. I ended up writing to the chief executive of the company. He was very interested to hear they supposedly didn’t have email.)

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