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    Category: Food & Drink

    De-Icing The Decaf

    | GA, USA | Bosses & Owners, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (My mother and I are in a drive-thru at a popular doughnut shop where the owner usually takes the orders himself.)

    Owner: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

    Mother: “One medium iced mocha latte, one decaf—”

    Owner: “Iced mocha latte?”

    (The usual response after this is ‘we don’t do that,’ even if mocha is one of their listed flavorings for iced coffee.)

    Mother: “Yes. A medium iced latte, mocha flavored, please.”

    Owner: “How do you want that?”

    (We exchange baffled looks.)

    Me: *to mother* “Iced… with milk and chocolate?”

    Owner: *over me* “You want sugar and whipped cream?”

    Mother: “Oh. Sugar, no whipped cream.”

    Owner: “Okay. What else?”

    Mother: “An iced decaf coffee with milk and [sugar substitute], and two [special doughnuts].”

    Owner: “Okay, iced coffee and two doughnuts. So that’s one small iced mocha and one medium iced coffee with milk and [sugar substitute]?”

    Mother: “They should both be mediums, and the iced coffee should be decaf.”

    Owner: “Oh, okay. One medium iced latte with mocha and one iced decaf with cream and [sugar substitute].”

    Mother: *giving up* “Right. And two [doughnuts].”

    Owner: *cheerfully* “And two [doughnuts]. Please drive to the window!”

    (Our coffees were both larges. We just hoped that my mother’s was actually decaf. But I did learn that if you say ‘iced latte, mocha’, then they understand much faster!)

    De-Decaf

    | USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (We are underway for a ‘friends and family’ cruise (just one day underway). At the time I am working on the mess decks when I have this conversation with another sailor’s mother:)

    Woman: “Oh, coffee! There’s regular and… is that decaf?”

    Me: “No, ma’am… that’s Navy Brew.”

    Woman: “What’s that?”

    Me: “About twice as strong as regular.”

    Woman: *gasps*

    (Eventually they switched the setup to allow for decaf, but for that first year or so we only had regular and double-strength coffee.)

    No Sign That They Read The Sign

    | TX, USA | Employees, Food & Drink

    (There is a blanket-term for my local eateries’ signature dishes, named after the founder’s daughter. More than once, if we order exactly as it’s phrased on the menu, we’re given blank looks and told the item doesn’t exist.)

    Me: “I’d like a [Signature Dessert] Shake.”

    Employee: “We don’t have a [Signature Dessert] shake. We have [Signature Dessert], but no shake of it.”

    (The employee was standing under the sign that said “[Signature Dessert] shake,” and if you looked over at the end of the counter, there was a five-foot-tall advertising banner that used the exact same phrasing. This sadly happened with other menu items with regularity at this location.)

    In Top Tip Shape

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Food & Drink, Money

    (I’ve ordered pizza online, and selected to pay cash. I live in Australia, where tipping is not expected, ever. Correct change is also usually appreciated. Normally if I don’t have the right change, I will let the driver keep the difference. However, on this occasion I literally only have exactly the amount required.)

    Delivery Man: “That’s $24.85.”

    Me: *counting the money into his hand* “Here you go! $20, $4, and 85c.”

    Delivery Man: *face visibly changes from pleasant to angry*

    Me: “Thank you!”

    Delivery Man: “…”

    Me: “…Um, good night!”

    Delivery Man: “…”

    Me: “…”

    Delivery Man: “FINE.” *storms off*

    Me: “I think I’ll pay online from now on…”

    Use The Malt Wine

    | Malta | Bosses & Owners, Food & Drink

    (My mother and I are in Malta to scatter my Maltese father’s ashes. We ask the hotel restaurant’s manager to arrange a buffet after the scattering for my father’s Maltese friends and relatives.)

    Manager: “And the guests, will they be Maltese or British?”

    My Mother: “Maltese.”

    Manager: “Right, I’ll use the good wine.”


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