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  • Don’t Just Be Married To Work
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  • Category: Food & Drink

    Not Warming Up To The Service

    | NH, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I have ordered a large cheese pizza and a two-liter bottle of soda. When the delivery person shows up he only has the insulated pizza carrying bag.)

    Me: “Uhm… I had ordered a bottle of soda, too?”

    Driver: “Yeah, I got it.”

    (With that, he proceeds to take my now lukewarm bottle of coke and my now lukewarm pizza out of the same insulated bag.)

    Me: “Why would you put a cold bottle of coke and a hot pizza in the same insulated bag?”

    Driver: “Well, it’s easier to carry that way.”

    Me: “Don’t you think it defeats the purpose of using an insulated bag if you put hot and cold things in it together?”

    Driver: “But… it’s easier to carry!”

    Little Yellow Lies

    | Telford, England, UK | Employees, Food & Drink, Health & Body, History, School, Tourists & Travel

    (I work as a magical clown at a theme park aimed at children aged eight and under. Between shows I wander around the park chatting to everyone, drumming up interest for my next performance. The weather this day has quite a bit of rain. I happen to pass by the medieval castle where a small party of school children are standing under the parapet. Their escort, a cast member dressed as Captain Hook, is trying to stop them from doing something.)

    Captain Hook: “Stop that. It’s not clean!”

    (The children are stood under some guttering that is leaking. The rain run-off from the parapet is flowing out of the gap in the guttering, and into the mouths of the children stood below.)

    Captain Hook: “Please, stop it!”

    Kid #1: “It’s just rain water.”

    Me: “Hey kids!” *they turn and look at me* “You see Robin Hood and his friends up there?”

    (I point up to the top of the castle, where cast members dressed as Robin Hood and his merry men are placed.)

    Kids: “Yeah?”

    Me: “Well, they live up there on the tower. They don’t have a toilet up there, unfortunately, so when they need to go for a wee, where do you think they go?”

    Kid #2: “Over the wall?”

    Me: “No, they go on the floor. Now, all that wee then runs off through the gaps in the wall into the guttering…”

    Kids: “Oh…” *realizes* “EWWWWW!” *cue much spitting*

    Me: *to Captain Hook* “Lying to kids is the best part of my job!”

    Got The Meat And Potatoes Of The Meaning

    | CT, USA | Coworkers, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Religion

    (My Muslim coworker from Bangladesh has brought in food for lunch for our group. Afterwards she and I are talking about ethnic foods and meat content. She brought up how a lot of Indian food doesn’t have meat because the Muslim population doesn’t eat pork and the Hindu population doesn’t eat beef.)

    Me: “Yeah, Indian is the only type of food that I really enjoy vegetarian entrees. Most other foods are boring without meat.”

    Coworker: “Oh, I know! I can’t eat a meal without meat in it!”

    Me: “Yeah. Me, too. I’m a cannibal.”

    (There is what feels like a long pause as I realize what I said, when what I’d meant to say was carnivore. Embarrassed beyond belief, and hoping nobody in our very open environment overheard and thought I was serious, she asks:)

    Coworker: “Cannibal means you eat meat, right?”

    (English is not her native language, and I can understand how cannibal might not be in her vocabulary yet. I quickly correct myself and explain the meaning of carnivore vs. cannibal, with a little explanation of herbivore and omnivore for good measure. Once I finally shut up and look to see if she understands, she comes up with the best response possible.)

    Coworker: “Well, it’s still meat.”

    Sippy Cup Or Tipsy Cup

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Coworkers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink

    (I’m waiting on a table with a small child, whose parents order her a virgin strawberry daiquiri. I’m in a hurry and forget to make a note to the bartender to put it in a children’s cup. Sure enough, when I go to check on the table, the child has spilled her drink all over the table.)

    Me: *as I’m cleaning up* “Oh god, I’m sorry. I should have told the bartender to put that in a kid’s cup. That’s my fault. I apologize. Let me go have the bartender make a new one in a cup with a lid.”

    (I head to the bar.)

    Me: “I need a new virgin daiquiri in a kid’s cup—”

    Bartender: “Ring it up.”

    Me: “No. I just need you to make another one. My kid spilled the first one.”

    Bartender: “I haven’t made any virgin daiquiris.”

    (As he’s the only bartender, I’m confused.)

    Me: “Yes, you have. You made one for me five minutes ago.”

    Bartender: “You didn’t ring in any virgin daiquiri.”

    Me: “Yes, I did! You put it up and stuck my ticket on it and I took it to my table!”

    Bartender: “No. I never got a ticket for a virgin daiquiri!”

    Me: “Yes, you did!” *I pick up the basket where we keep the tickets for drinks that have gone out and find mine* “See? Right here!”

    Bartender: *stares at the ticket* “Oh…”

    Me: *getting it, horrified* “Did you just give RUM to a FIVE YEAR OLD?!”

    Bartender: “One virgin daiquiri in a kid’s cup coming up!”

    Should Have Espresso’d It Clearer

    , | MA, USA | At The Checkout, Employees, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (I get a pound of coffee from the display in front and take it up to the counter.)

    Me: “Good morning. May I have a bacon wrap and a medium cappuccino with an extra shot of espresso?”

    (Cappuccino is normally made with espresso, but I’m requesting extra.)

    Cashier: “Bacon wrap?”

    Me: “Yes, please.”

    Cashier: “Is that bacon, egg, and cheese?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Cashier: “Okay, and what else?”

    Me: “Medium cappuccino with an extra espresso shot.”

    Cashier: “Okay…” *looks at register for several seconds and doesn’t press anything* “I’ll make it.”

    (While the cashier tries to work out how to make my drink, another worker calls out to me.)

    Worker: “What kind of bagel was that, ma’am?”

    Me: “Oh,it was actually a bacon wrap.”

    (The worker nods, and then shows the cashier how to make a cappuccino.)

    Cashier: *rings up a medium coffee* “$5.39 please.”

    Me: “Oh you’ve actually charged me for—”

    Cashier: “Oh I know! The wrong coffee.” *very cheerful about it and apparently not going to correct it*

    Me: “And you’ve charged me for a bagel instead of a wrap.”

    Cashier: “Oh! Sorry. $3.47.”

    Me: “You know you didn’t charge me enough for the cappuccino?”

    Cashier: “Oh… [Coworker], how do you ring up a cappuccino?”

    Coworker: “There’s a cappuccino button.”

    Cashier: *rings it up* “Okay! $4.37.”

    Me: “And the espresso?”

    Cashier: “Oh right. I didn’t put it in yet. Coworker, she wanted a shot of espresso!”

    Coworker: “Another one?”

    Cashier: *to me* “We already put it in.”

    (I’m not sure if she means that she added an extra shot or just what normally comes in it, but I just nod. She rings up a 49-cent shot, although the menu says they are 99 cents. I don’t correct it because 50 cents isn’t worth any more confusion.)

    Cashier: “$4.89 please.”

    Me: “And the pound of coffee…”


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