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  • November's Theme Of The Month: Office Nemesis!
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    Category: Food & Drink

    Should Have Been Left To Stew In Your Own Juice

    | Devon, England, UK | Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I’m in the supermarket looking for tomato juice but they have run out of long-life cartons and I don’t know where the fresh juice is kept, so I find an employee.)

    Me: “Where is your fresh tomato juice, please?”

    Employee: “Uh, I have no idea.”

    Me: “…”

    Employee: *seeing this is not making me go away* “Uh… it might be with the bottled soy sauce and stuff?”

    Me: “No,it’ll be refrigerated. FRESH tomato juice?”

    (The employee then wanders over to a nearby chilled cabinet, looks around for a bit and then triumphantly holds up a tub of tomato and basil spaghetti sauce.)

    Employee: “Here you go!”

    Me: “Umm… no…”

    Sinfully Delicious

    | PA, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I have a talent for being rather convincing, and talking in such a way that keeps people interested even when they know I’m spewing bullc**p. I attempt to convince a coworker of my goofy opinions.)

    Me: “Urg, I hate mayonnaise”

    Coworker: “What? How can you hate mayonnaise.”

    Me: “Do you know what mayonnaise is?”

    Coworker: “It’s, uh, eggs. And oil or something, isn’t it?”

    Me: “No. Mayonnaise is evil given tangible shape.”

    Coworker: “No, it’s not!”

    Me: “It is! You know how, like, there’s water everywhere in the air? All the air we breathe and walk through contains evaporated water?”

    Coworker: “Yeah.”

    Me: “It’s everywhere around us, but you can’t really ‘feel’ it like that. But the water vapor can gather and condense into rain, or become normal water that we can drink and touch.”

    Coworker: “Well, yeah.”

    Me: “Evil is like that, too. It exists in the metaphysical all around us. Mayonnaise is the gathered and coalesced form of evil made into a tangible shape.”

    Coworker: “NO, IT’S NOT!”

    Me: “It is! Haven’t you even heard the story of The Deal?”

    Coworker: “What? No.”

    Me: “Okay, it goes like this. Way back when, God and the Devil made a deal. Sort of a cosmic game with the souls of all humanity as the stakes. Like, the souls in Heaven and Hell might not stay there. If one wins they get all the souls in the other as well as those of anyone left alive.”

    Coworker: “Okay…”

    Me: “Well, when they started this ‘game’ they each got a handicap. God got that humans would be born inherently good. That they would need to be TEMPTED into being bad. Now, obviously there are many ways to do that: greed, desire, traumatic upbringing, what have you. But people come into this world pure and good and need to be given reason to be bad. You follow so far?”

    Coworker: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Okay, so this was a major card on the table. And to counter the major advantage of mankind’s inherent goodness, the Devil got mayonnaise.”

    Coworker: “What!?”

    Me: “It’s true. The existence of mayonnaise alone is the major balance of the scale to counter out humanity’s inborn purity. It’s the gathering of evil and acts as a tumor upon our lives and our souls. Where it’s found, things get worse.”

    Coworker: “But I LIKE mayonnaise!”

    Me: “Some people like euthanizing puppies. It’s wrong, but we can’t tell people what they like and don’t like. There are some people who work at an animal shelter who get a kick out of putting down a cute little puppy and that’s wrong. Just like YOU’RE wrong for liking mayonnaise!”

    Coworker: “I… that’s terrible!”

    Me: “Whatever. You’re the evil one who’s actively damning our souls with your disgusting food choice.”

    Coworker: “Oh, shut up!”

    That Drink Came From Where The Sun Don’t Shine

    | Bath, England, UK | Employees, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive

    Me: “I’d like a tequila sunrise, please.”

    Friend: “I’ll have a glass of the house red.”

    (The waiter returns with a glass of white wine and a glass with a shot of tequila.)

    Me: “I think you’ve forgotten the sunrise.”

    Pranking As Sour As Vinegar

    | MI, USA | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (We just hired a new bagger at our store. After a few shifts one of the cashiers decides to prank him.)

    Coworker: “Hey [New Hire], will you go shake the vinaigrette dressings in the condiment aisle? Customers are more likely to buy them if they’re mixed up.”

    (The new hire is gone for 45 minutes and freaks because he can’t keep the vinaigrette dressings to stay mixed on the shelves. The manager overhears what happened.)

    Manager: “Coworker, normally I would write you up for doing something like that to a new hire, but that was too funny. I won’t write you up if you don’t do it again.”

    Doesn’t Have The Energy To Argue

    | South Yorkshire, England, UK | At The Checkout, Bosses & Owners, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (A young customer comes to my till. I serve him, take his money, and he leaves. My supervisor comes over.)

    Supervisor: “[My Name], did you just serve that customer without asking for ID?”

    Me: “Well, yes. But—”

    Supervisor: “You know the rules, if the customer looks under 25 we have to ID, and he was clearly younger than that.”

    Me “But—”

    Supervisor: “You need to be more careful. You know both the store and you personally would have to pay a fine if you’re caught selling alcohol to minors?”

    Me: “I know that, but—”

    Supervisor: “I know you’re usually very thorough with IDs, but if I see you doing that again, I’m going to have to write you up. We can’t risk having our alcohol license removed.”

    Me: “[Supervisor]!”

    Supervisor: “Yes?”

    Me: “I didn’t ID him because he wasn’t buying alcohol. He was buying an energy drink.”

    Supervisor: “Oh.” *short pause* “Okay, keep up the good work.”

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