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    Category: Food & Drink

    In A Pickle Over Freshness

    | Sauerland, Germany | Employees, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (My wife and I are at a restaurant. My wife has ordered a dish that comes with a salad.)

    Wife: “Excuse me, this salad isn’t fresh anymore!”

    Waitress: “Can’t be. Our salad is always fresh.”

    Wife: “Just look at these cucumber slices. They’re all baggy and limp!”

    Waitress: “The cucumber?! But we pickle them to keep them fresh! They’re

    definitely fresh! Under no circumstances older than three days!”

    Might As Well Just Be Giving Them A Raspberry

    | WI, USA | At The Checkout, Bosses & Owners, Employees, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (I am extremely sensitive to pesticides, and as a result, I always buy my berries organic. The store has a huge sale on non-organic raspberries which completely sell out. Since organic raspberries are $1.50 more, there still are plenty.)

    Cashier: “How did you find these? I was told we are all sold out!”

    Me: “Well, your regular ones are sold out, but these ones are organic, so—”

    Cashier: “Hold on, these aren’t ringing up on sale.”

    Me: “Yes, that’s fine. They’re organic, so they cost more.”

    Cashier: “But raspberries are supposed to be on sale. Let me see if I can get a manager for you.”

    Me: “The REGULAR raspberries are on sale; the organic are regular priced. It’s fine, really.”

    Cashier: “No! Raspberries are on sale!” *begins paging the manager*

    Me: “No, really it’s fine. I’ll just pay this price. I need to get home.”

    Manager: “What’s the problem?”

    Cashier: “This woman is trying to buy these raspberries, but they’re not ringing up on sale.”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, the sale only extends to non-organic raspberries.”

    Me: “I KNOW. I’ve been trying to explain this to the cashier here, and I’m okay with paying more, but she’s not hearing me.”

    Manager: “It’s just that organic berries cost more to maintain, and—”

    Me: “I KNOW! Look! I. WILL. PAY. THIS. PRICE. I’m not looking for a discount, I just wanted organic raspberries!”

    Manager: *looking confused* “But… they’re organic. We can’t give you the sale price.”

    Me: “I know, and I already said REPEATEDLY that it’s fine.”

    Manager: “You know what? I’ll make an exception for you this time. But next time, we’re not giving you a discount for buying an organic product!”

    (He then gave me the discount for the regular raspberries. I’m not entirely certain it was worth the headache.)

    Should Have Been Left To Stew In Your Own Juice

    | Devon, England, UK | Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I’m in the supermarket looking for tomato juice but they have run out of long-life cartons and I don’t know where the fresh juice is kept, so I find an employee.)

    Me: “Where is your fresh tomato juice, please?”

    Employee: “Uh, I have no idea.”

    Me: “…”

    Employee: *seeing this is not making me go away* “Uh… it might be with the bottled soy sauce and stuff?”

    Me: “No,it’ll be refrigerated. FRESH tomato juice?”

    (The employee then wanders over to a nearby chilled cabinet, looks around for a bit and then triumphantly holds up a tub of tomato and basil spaghetti sauce.)

    Employee: “Here you go!”

    Me: “Umm… no…”

    Sinfully Delicious

    | PA, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Theme Of The Month

    (I have a talent for being rather convincing, and talking in such a way that keeps people interested even when they know I’m spewing bullc**p. I attempt to convince a coworker of my goofy opinions.)

    Me: “Urg, I hate mayonnaise”

    Coworker: “What? How can you hate mayonnaise.”

    Me: “Do you know what mayonnaise is?”

    Coworker: “It’s, uh, eggs. And oil or something, isn’t it?”

    Me: “No. Mayonnaise is evil given tangible shape.”

    Coworker: “No, it’s not!”

    Me: “It is! You know how, like, there’s water everywhere in the air? All the air we breathe and walk through contains evaporated water?”

    Coworker: “Yeah.”

    Me: “It’s everywhere around us, but you can’t really ‘feel’ it like that. But the water vapor can gather and condense into rain, or become normal water that we can drink and touch.”

    Coworker: “Well, yeah.”

    Me: “Evil is like that, too. It exists in the metaphysical all around us. Mayonnaise is the gathered and coalesced form of evil made into a tangible shape.”

    Coworker: “NO, IT’S NOT!”

    Me: “It is! Haven’t you even heard the story of The Deal?”

    Coworker: “What? No.”

    Me: “Okay, it goes like this. Way back when, God and the Devil made a deal. Sort of a cosmic game with the souls of all humanity as the stakes. Like, the souls in Heaven and Hell might not stay there. If one wins they get all the souls in the other as well as those of anyone left alive.”

    Coworker: “Okay…”

    Me: “Well, when they started this ‘game’ they each got a handicap. God got that humans would be born inherently good. That they would need to be TEMPTED into being bad. Now, obviously there are many ways to do that: greed, desire, traumatic upbringing, what have you. But people come into this world pure and good and need to be given reason to be bad. You follow so far?”

    Coworker: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Okay, so this was a major card on the table. And to counter the major advantage of mankind’s inherent goodness, the Devil got mayonnaise.”

    Coworker: “What!?”

    Me: “It’s true. The existence of mayonnaise alone is the major balance of the scale to counter out humanity’s inborn purity. It’s the gathering of evil and acts as a tumor upon our lives and our souls. Where it’s found, things get worse.”

    Coworker: “But I LIKE mayonnaise!”

    Me: “Some people like euthanizing puppies. It’s wrong, but we can’t tell people what they like and don’t like. There are some people who work at an animal shelter who get a kick out of putting down a cute little puppy and that’s wrong. Just like YOU’RE wrong for liking mayonnaise!”

    Coworker: “I… that’s terrible!”

    Me: “Whatever. You’re the evil one who’s actively damning our souls with your disgusting food choice.”

    Coworker: “Oh, shut up!”

    That Drink Came From Where The Sun Don’t Shine

    | Bath, England, UK | Employees, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive

    Me: “I’d like a tequila sunrise, please.”

    Friend: “I’ll have a glass of the house red.”

    (The waiter returns with a glass of white wine and a glass with a shot of tequila.)

    Me: “I think you’ve forgotten the sunrise.”


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