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  • Too Early For Proper English
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    Category: Food & Drink

    Showered With Irresponsibility

    | Surrey, BC, Canada | At The Checkout, Employees, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (A customer comes to my register with some jars of mayonnaise. And by ‘some,’ I mean a whole basketful.)

    Me: “So… that’s quite a lot of mayonnaise you’re buying.”

    Customer: “I know, but my daughter’s expecting.”

    Me: “All of this is for your pregnant daughter?”

    Customer: “Yep. She needs these, or I’m in a lot of trouble.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m really sorry if it’s not my place to judge, but I don’t think you should give that much mayonnaise to your daughter. I understand that cravings can get out of control, but this much mayonnaise can’t possibly be good for her health.”

    Customer: “No! It’s for her baby shower! She’s making deviled eggs!”

    Me: “Oh! That makes more sense.”

    (I should probably work on my conversation skills.)

    Getting A Pizza His Mind

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Employees, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (I’m home by myself one Saturday night, when I hear the doorbell ring. When I open it, I see a delivery guy with three pizzas in his hands.)

    Delivery Guy: “Hey, sorry that took so long. Here are your pizzas. Your total is $24.00.”

    Me: “Oh… no, I’m sorry—”

    Delivery Guy: *interrupting* “Are you f****** with me? I drove all the way out here to bring you your d*** pizza, and now you think you’re getting it for free?”

    Me: “No, I—”

    Delivery Guy: *clearly not listening* “You’re paying for your pizza or I’m calling the cops, so which is it?”

    Me: “Will you listen to me?”

    Delivery Guy: *ignoring me* “Seriously, I will make that call.”

    (The delivery guy pulls out his phone, either to call the police or his boss, I don’t know, at which point I make myself heard.)

    Me: “I DIDN’T ORDER ANY PIZZA!”

    Delivery Guy: “What?”

    Me: “I didn’t order a pizza. You have the wrong house.”

    (He pulls out a piece of paper, glances at the address, and then back at me.)

    Delivery Guy: “Isn’t this [address roughly two blocks away]?”

    Me: “No, it’s [my address].”

    Delivery Guy: “Oh. Umm… okay.”

    (He turns the leave, and I begin closing my door. As I do, I hear:)

    Delivery Guy: “I’M SUCH A FAILURE!”

    Doesn’t End Up Liking Them Apples

    | Coeur d'Alene, ID, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees, Food & Drink, Money

    (I had recently gotten out of the hospital a week earlier. I was admitted due to digestive issues and have been given a strict diet of clear liquid. This night, I was meeting my family to celebrate my nephew’s 14th birthday. After the waiter has taken everyone’s order, he finally gets to me.)

    Waiter: “And for you, sir?”

    Me: “Oh, can I just have an apple juice?”

    Waiter: “Not hungry tonight? There are plenty of smaller dishes on the value menu.”

    Me: “No, thanks, I’m good; just the juice, please.”

    Waiter: “Are you sure? Our appetizers are pretty cheap.”

    Me: “No. Just the juice, please.”

    Waiter: “Ohhh-kay… I’ll have your drinks right out.”

    (After getting sympathetic looks from my family as the waiter left, we thought nothing of it. When he returned, my apple juice was surprisingly missing and my nephew had a juice box in front of him.)

    Me: *to waiter* “Excuse me, but I think there’s been a mistake; I had ordered the apple juice, not him.”

    Waiter: “Oh, sorry about that. Are you sure you want apple juice?”

    Me: “Yes, I’m sure. Could you just bring me my apple juice?”

    Waiter: “Yeah, I guess I can do that. I’m going to have to squeeze some juice boxes into a glass, but I can do that if you want.”

    Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience; that’s never seemed to be an issue before. If it’s too much trouble, I’ll just have water then.”

    Waiter: “Oh, its no trouble. It’s just going to take a while because I have to squeeze like a dozen juice boxes to have a glass…” *walks away grumbling*

    Mom: “What was that all about?”

    Me: “I have no idea. I always have apple juice here. Maybe he’s just having a bad night.”

    (Now I’m a little wary of this waiter, but I’m determined to not let it affect the night. That is until everyone’s dinner had come, and I still haven’t received my apple juice or a water.)

    Me: *flagging down waiter as he’s about to walk away after dropping off our food* “Excuse me, I haven’t gotten my apple juice yet…”

    Waiter: *in a very condescending manner* “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any apple juice left. Sorry about that!”

    Me: “All right… could I at least get a water, then?”

    Waiter: “…” *walks away*

    (At this point, the guy has gotten on my nerves. The next time we see him, he’s dropping off our check. Having a fairly large family, the check is well over $200.)

    Waiter: “And here you guys go! Who should I stick with the bill? This guy?!” *pointing to me in a bad attempt at a joke at my expense*

    Me: “Actually, yes. I am paying tonight. And you’re not getting a tip.”

    Waiter: “I’m sorry, SIR, but 18% is our suggested tip on such large groups.”

    Me: “All right. If it’s that big a deal, get the manager and we’ll talk it out.”

    Waiter: “Sir, you’ll still have to pay, but if you’d like, I’ll get the manager… f*****g a**hole” *he mumbles under his breath as he walks away*

    (A few moments later, the manager arrives.)

    Manager: “Mr. [My Name], what seems to be the problem? Was everything to your liking?”

    Me: “Hey, [Manager]; no, actually. The service tonight hasn’t been all that good.”

    Manager: “Oh, I’m so sorry! I hope this doesn’t change your view on the restaurant; we really do appreciate the business you do with us.”

    Waiter: *confused look on his face* “What business?”

    Manager: “Mr. [My Name] is one of the owners of [Software Company]; you know that place down the street? We cater for their events like once a month. H***, [My Name] is in at least once a week!” *turns to me* “What’d you have tonight?”

    Me: “Nothing. I just got out of the hospital and need to go easy for a bit, but apparently I’m not allowed to order apple juice now…”

    (I quickly break down the night’s events and my family backs up my telling of events. During this entire conversation, the waiter stands in silence, head down and beet-red. He attempts escape a couple times, but the manager just grabs his sleeve without breaking eye contact with me. Near the end of the recounting of events, the waiter is shaking like a leaf in the wind until he looks up and blurts out…)

    Waiter: “How was I supposed to know?! What kind of grown man orders apple juice?! Only people that order just a drink are broke and don’t tip!”

    Manager: “[Waiter], you’re kidding right? You were one of the serving staff for his company’s holiday party! He spoke on stage and everything! I’m sure you even have waited on him for lunch!”

    (The next time I visited, the manager sat with me and handed me a written apology and offered 25% off the catering for our next event. She also informed me that the waiter was given the option of dishwasher or being fired. He chose fired.)

    Tipped To Win

    , | NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees, Food & Drink, Money

    (I am a somewhat overweight, socially awkward guy. I don’t go clubbing too much because I don’t blend in well, but a lot of my friends club regularly. I am invited one night to accompany them to the most popular local club, where the crowd is mainly made up of popular, preppy college-kids who are unfortunately mostly smug and look down on anyone who isn’t ‘perfect.’ While my friends dance, I wander over to the bar to grab a drink. An attractive young bartender looks at me – the only person patiently waiting who hasn’t yet been served – but instead decides to ask every… single… other person at the bar if they want anything before she even looks at me again.)

    Bartender: *hastily* “What do you want?”

    Me: “How much would a cheap rum & coke cost me?”

    Bartender: “Ugh. I could get you one with bottom-shelf rum with $3.50.”

    Me: *trying to be friendly and easy-going* “Okay, I’ll have that. I’m not super picky when I go clubbing.”

    (She rolls her eyes, makes me my drink, but doesn’t give it to me. Instead, she goes to the largest group nearby and again checks on them all repeatedly before she returns. She practically throws my drink at me.)

    Bartender: *with a smug, sarcastic smile* “Oh, I’m soooo sorry, but I accidentally put in some of the more expensive rum into this. It’ll be $7. But if you can’t afford it, I suppose I could make you another one with the cheap stuff. You look like you probably can’t spend too much the way you’re dressed.”

    (I was tight for cash. I only had about an extra $10 bill, some singles and some change with me so I could order a few drinks, but I didn’t want her to ‘win.’)

    Me: “Oh, that’s fine. I’ll take that.”

    (I hand her the $10 I have, and once again, rather than just giving me my change, she purposely goes to several other people first, making sure to glance at me with a smug look, before she finally gets me my change.)

    Bartender: *nasty chuckle* “Here’s $3. I could get you a shot of the cheap stuff if that’s all you got left.”

    (I took the money and waved her away. I then noticed that instead of handing me three $1 bills, she had accidentally handed me three $10 bills. Seeing an opportunity, I went back to my group, picked a very attractive female friend, and told her to ‘play along.’ You can imagine the bartender’s surprise when I ordered myself and my very attractive friend two rounds of expensive drinks, while my friend pretended to be enamored by me. After spending about $40 on drinks, I purposely left a spare penny I had for a tip.)

    No Underage Understanding

    | PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (My boyfriend and I are at a big chain restaurant. This occurs a few days before my 22nd birthday.)

    Boyfriend: “I’ll have the lemon drop martini.”

    Me: “That sounds good. I’ll have the same thing.”

    Waiter: “Great. I’m going to need to see some ID though.”

    (My boyfriend hands him his ID and the waiter looks it over and hands it back. I hand him mine and he looks at it.)

    Waiter: “Um… you’re only a few days away from your birthday, so I guess I can let it slide this time.”

    Me: “Um… look at the year again. I’ll be 22 in a few days.”

    Waiter: “Oh, yeah! You’re all good!” *hands ID back and walks away*

    Boyfriend: “Did he just admit that he would serve someone underage?”


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