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  • Will Never Claim Ignorance
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  • Category: Language & Words

    Not A Uniform Response

    | Kent, England, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Language & Words

    (Two of my coworkers have decided to learn the phonetic alphabet, and are quizzing each other.)

    Coworker #1: “‘S’?”

    Coworker #2: “Sierra.”

    Coworker #1: “‘T’?”

    Coworker #2: “Tango.”

    Coworker #1: “‘U’?”

    Coworker #2: “Unicorn.”

    (Pause.)

    Coworker #3: “Did you just say ‘unicorn’?”

    Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s what you said it was earlier!”

    Me: “It’s ‘uniform’…”

    Coworker #2: “Oh! Uniform! I thought ‘unicorn’ was a bit weird…”

    Pajama Drama

    | Des Moines, IA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre/Silly, Employees, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Themed Giveaway

    (I work at a nice golf course restaurant as a waiter. I’m at my table, wrapping things up. I’m a 21-year-old man.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you this evening?”

    Woman: “You can watch my kids!”

    Me: “Ooh, I’m working right now, but after work, sure. We’ll have a pajama party!”

    (Very awkward silence follows. The word ‘pizza’ was going through my head, but I changed it on the fly because, how stupid, they just ate and wouldn’t want a pizza-party while full. So I replaced ‘pizza’ with the word ‘pajama’ due to the ‘P’ sound having already escaped my mouth. I’ve never seen her or her eight- and five-year old sons since.)

    This Spells Trouble

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Employees, Language & Words

    Me: “Hello and welcome to [Taxi Company]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hello. My name is Nick, and I seek a…”

    (I wait for him to continue.)

    Customer: “You still there?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I was waiting for you. You said you were seeking a…?”

    Customer: “What? No. I said N-I-C-K. My name´s Nick.”

    Got The Meat And Potatoes Of The Meaning

    | CT, USA | Coworkers, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Religion

    (My Muslim coworker from Bangladesh has brought in food for lunch for our group. Afterwards she and I are talking about ethnic foods and meat content. She brought up how a lot of Indian food doesn’t have meat because the Muslim population doesn’t eat pork and the Hindu population doesn’t eat beef.)

    Me: “Yeah, Indian is the only type of food that I really enjoy vegetarian entrees. Most other foods are boring without meat.”

    Coworker: “Oh, I know! I can’t eat a meal without meat in it!”

    Me: “Yeah. Me, too. I’m a cannibal.”

    (There is what feels like a long pause as I realize what I said, when what I’d meant to say was carnivore. Embarrassed beyond belief, and hoping nobody in our very open environment overheard and thought I was serious, she asks:)

    Coworker: “Cannibal means you eat meat, right?”

    (English is not her native language, and I can understand how cannibal might not be in her vocabulary yet. I quickly correct myself and explain the meaning of carnivore vs. cannibal, with a little explanation of herbivore and omnivore for good measure. Once I finally shut up and look to see if she understands, she comes up with the best response possible.)

    Coworker: “Well, it’s still meat.”

    I’ll Have The Package She’s Having

    | Mississauga, ON, Canada | Employees, Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I am shopping around for a new phone and am chatting to an employee regarding new providers. The provider she is trying to convince me to switch to is called ‘Virgin Mobile.’)

    Employee: “So have you heard about all the perks you get?”

    Me: “Enlighten me.”

    Employee: “Well, as a Virgin, you get more music, more deals, and even discounts at stores!”

    Me: *snickering already* “Really now?”

    Employee: “Yeah, I’m a Virgin, too. Why wouldn’t I? So many benefits!”

    Me: “So I guess you’re screwed if you’re not a Virgin…”

    Employee: “You’re definitely screwed if you’re not a Virgin!”

    (A customer walks by.)

    Customer: “D*** straight you get screwed if you’re not a virgin. That’s the whole point!”

    (The employee then realizes what she’s been saying and blushes redder than a tomato,)

    Employee: “God, that’s the third time this month I’ve said that…”

    Related:

    I’ll Go Where He’s Going


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