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    Category: Language & Words

    Deathly Absolute

    | Newark, DE, USA | At The Checkout, Language & Words

    (I’m calling myself out on this. The card readers at my store have a display where it asks for verification, just so the customers know exactly how much they’re spending. My customer is a very sweet little old lady, and I tend to be a socially awkward person.)

    Me: “And the reader just wants you to be absolutely sure on the total.”

    Customer: *chuckling lightly to herself* “Well, is anything absolute?”

    (There’s an awkward pause as she hits ‘yes’ and starts to sign her name.)

    Me: “Death.”

    (There’s another pause as we both realize what I just said, and she chuckles again.)

    Customer: “Well, that’s true.”

    Group Fail

    | Reno, NV, USA | Employees, Language & Words

    (My doctor’s office is part of a large local “franchise” with lots of different departments and offices, so they have a central line that goes to an operator and directs from there. I’ve called it to find a fax number.)

    Operator: “Thank you for calling [Franchise] Central Operator. How may I help you?”

    Me: “Hi, can I please have the fax number for the endocrinology department?”

    Operator: “Sure, one second.”

    (There is a very long pause.)

    Operator: “I have… the endocrinology GROUP? Is that what you’re looking for?”

    Me: “…Yes, that’s the one. Thank you.”

    I’ll Do It With Me, Myself, And I

    | IN, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Language & Words

    (I’m working tech support with one of my friends. A slightly annoying, but not particularly unpleasant task comes up that needs done.)

    Coworker: “Would you like me to do it, or shall I?”

    Me: “Well, if you really want to do it that badly, go right ahead.”

    (She realized what she said after a couple seconds and we had a good laugh and she went to take care of it.)

    Don’t Leave Me Drowning

    | Bristol, England, UK | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Pets & Animals

    (This is my first office job, and whilst the office is generally staffed by middle aged ladies, they’ve recently employed quite a few of us “youths” to try and energise the business, apparently. This discussion takes place between I and two coworkers, all aged 19.)

    Coworker #1: “Ugh, I don’t understand this client email. What does ambiguous mean?”

    Coworker #2: “Isn’t that them animals that can breathe underwater?”

    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 10

    | Scotland, UK | Language & Words

    (I had been getting plagued by Indian telemarketers and decided enough was enough:)

    Telemarketer: “Can I speak to [My Name], please?”

    Me: “Il n’est pas ici. Quesque vou voulez monsieur?”

    Telemarketer: *silence* “Sorry…?”

    Me: “Je ne comprende pas, monsieur. Quesque vous voulez?”

    Telemarketer: *silence, muttering in background* “What language are you speaking…?”

    Me: “Je ne comprende pas, monsieur. Quesque vous voulez?”

    Telemarketer: *more muttering* “What…”

    Me: “Je ne comprende pas, monsieur. Allez-vous en!” *click*

    (I knew those French lessons I took 45 years ago would come in handy someday…)

    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 9
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 8
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 7

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