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    Category: Language & Words

    Just The Sound Of Phone Robots Is Something Quite Atrocious

    | FL, USA | Language & Words, Technology

    (I’ve been discharged from the military and have moved back in with my parents. While they’re at work, I’m cleaning the house. The phone rings…)

    Me: “Hello, [Residence].”

    Telemarketer: *using generic male salesman voice* “Hello! I am with [Extremely Long and Complicated Company Name]! We are in the area for a free wire replacement! Would you like a free wire replacement?”

    Me: “Are you a robot?”

    Telemarketer: “No.” *long pause* “Are you aware that many homes are robbed because thieves cut the wire and rewire it for their own use? We are in the area for a free wire replacement! Would you like…”

    Me: “Hey, hey, HEY!”

    Telemarketer: *stops talking*

    Me: “If you are NOT a robot, say ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious’.”

    Telemarketer: “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Could you please repeat what you said?”

    Me: “I said, ‘If you are NOT a robot, say “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”.’”

    (The telemarketer gives a thirty-second pause, then laughs in the most mechanical way possible.)

    Telemarketer: “Hahaha. We are in the area for a free wire replacement! Would you like…”

    Me: “Nope. You didn’t answer my question, so you’re a robot. I believe in two strikes, not three. Goodbye.” *hangs up*

    He’s Not F****** Kidding

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Language & Words

    (Our store has a rule prohibiting workers from swearing while on shift. Nearly everyone, however, including the managers, tend to ignore this rule. I, as a bit of a rules-stickler and also opposed to swearing on moral grounds, have tried several times to remind people that the rule exists. At one point, I write a note using a dry erase marker on an unoccupied metal counter, hoping to remind not just my shift, but shifts after me.)

    My Note: “A reminder: Both cell phone usage and profanity while on the clock is prohibited by company policy.”

    (A few minutes later, one of the worst offenders notices the note and writes something under it.)

    Coworker: “Hey, [My Name]! Guess what I wrote!”

    Me: *dryly* “I’m going to hazard a guess at something like, ‘Forget this; I’ll say what I want,’ only with more profanity.”

    Coworker: “Um, actually, it’s ‘F*** that; I’ll say what I want.'”

    (He then proceeded to erase both the note and the response, rendering my efforts basically fruitless. Thankfully, he has since found employment elsewhere.)

    Well That’s ONE Way To Celebrate The End Of The Week

    | London, England, UK | Coworkers, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I had been at my new job for a week and everyone was nice and friendly. At the end of the day on Friday, this conversation takes place with my Hungarian coworker who has a thick accent.)

    Coworker: “”[Other Coworker] and I are getting a whore in the office. Do you want one?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Coworker: “We are getting a whore in the office.”

    Me: “I think I’m mishearing you. Could you write that down?”

    (He wrote down: “We are getting a hole in the office” – He meant that they were getting a hole drilled in the desks for cables, and wondered if I wanted one, too. It was the single most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had at work.)

    Regionalised And Regionalized Spelling

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Coworkers, Geography, Language & Words

    (I’m a software engineer, but it’s well known in the office that I’m working on a novel. This happens when a coworker is having problems with his spell-checker.)

    Me: “I’ve been getting some weird behavior, too. Mine switched to British spellings, and I can’t figure out how to change it back.”

    Coworker: “I like the British spellings.”

    Me: “So do I, but I feel pretentious using them.”

    Coworker: “You’re a writer. Aren’t you allowed to be pretentious?”

    Me: “Nah, I write genre fiction. I can’t get away with that.”

    The Mother Of All References

    | Northern Ireland, UK | Job Seekers, Language & Words

    (When I send out references, their occupation appears in the address. Normally it’s a supervisor or professional, but relatives aren’t permitted. This time it shows as [Name], ‘Mother,’ [Street], [City]. Obviously, your mother wouldn’t be appropriate.)

    Me: *emailing boss* “I’ll hold off on this reference. I think we would doubt her impartiality!”

    Boss: *the next morning* “Yes, I’ll have a look at that. Hang on, unless it’s a religious title or something.”

    Me: “Like Mother Theresa? No, you’re thinking of nuns, who would be Sister somebody. Or a ward sister in a hospital. Just ask the applicant.”

    (An hour later, the boss comes in.)

    Boss: “Yes, [Colleague] figured it. She’s right actually.”

    Me: “Seriously?”

    Boss: “She spotted the applicant is currently a child-minder.”

    Me: “Yes… and?”

    Boss: “In that context, the mother is one of her clients.”

    Me: “Oh… tell me we weren’t expected to see that.”

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