(I work at a popular fast food outlet which uses a simple P, U, D (Prep, Use, Discard) system to time products kept out on the boards. I pull out a new carton of tomatoes and catch my very new coworker staring at it a few moments later.)

Me: “[Coworker], something up?”

Coworker: “It’s not 11 am, is it? Because I came on at 1pm.”

Me: “No, it’s quarter to two. Why?”

(She turns the carton towards me, and I see “P: 11 am”.)

Coworker: “This says it’s 11 am!”

Me: “…[Coworker], that’s not a clock.”

(She stares at it for a moment, and then looks back at me.)

Me: “P means ‘Prep.’ It’s not the actual time.”

Coworker: *sheepishly* “Oh, I thought the P stood for ‘Palmerston North’ time…”

(I have recently adopted two children from Guatemala.)

Boss: “Are you enjoying being a new parent?”

Me: “I love it, but it’s a lot of work with two babies at home.”

Boss: “When will you start taking Spanish lessons?”

Me: “I’m not sure. Why?”

Boss: “Well, you want to be able to communicate with your children when they grow up, don’t you?”

Me: *mouth gaping open* “Um… I need to go to the restroom…”

Related:
Stupid In Any Language

(Note: I’m calling about my mortgage to see if they can get me a better deal.)

Operator: “Okay, I’m just going to ask you a few questions and then we’ll see what we can do for you.”

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. Fire away.”

Operator: “How much do you owe on your mortgage?”

Me: “Roughly £97,000.”

Operator: “Okay, and who is your current mortgage provider?”

Me: “HSBC.”

Operator: “And how do you spell that?”

Me: “Um… H… S… B… C.”

(Just after 10 pm, the supermarket I work at has closed and I am cashing up my till. As I am doing so, I am chatting to the Store Manager about overseas holidays.)

Me: “…and I enjoyed being in Paris since I studied French at school.”

Store Manager: “Why did you bother learning it? Isn’t there an app for that?”

(I called my internet service provider about my DSL account, which I had opened more than ten years ago.)

Me: “I’d like to make a change to my DSL account.”

Employee: “Certainly. You have a security question on file. Can you please tell me your father’s middle name?”

Me: “Um… my father didn’t have a middle name.”

Employee: “Well, you have an answer on file, sir.”

Me: “I don’t know what to say. He didn’t have a middle name!”

(I eventually am able to prove my identity by providing a credit card number. Afterwards, the employee tells me…)

Employee: “For future reference, sir. The middle name we have on file for your father is N-O-N-E. None!”

Me: “…”