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    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 3

    | UK | Bizarre/Silly, Employees, Language & Words

    (The phone rings. I answer.)

    Telemarketer: “Can I speak to the homeowner, please?”

    Me: “I’m not gay.”

    Telemarketer: “No, I said ‘homeowner.’”

    Me: “And I said I’m not gay.”

    (The telemarketer on the other end had such fits of laughter she hung up on me.)

    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 2
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers

    Now The Boss O’s U

    | Norcross, GA, USA | Bosses & Owners, Extra Stupid, Language & Words

    (My boss comes into my work area, looking for a project we worked on some time ago. I keep all our projects in a couple of rows of filing cabinets, filed in alphabetical order by project name.)

    Boss: “[My Name], where is [Project #1]? It’s not in the book!”

    Me: “If it’s not in the book, it should still be easy to find. Just look for a project closest to it by name.”

    (My boss looks in the book, and sees another project.)

    Boss: “Okay, here’s [Project #2]. [My Name], where is [Project #1]? I don’t see it.”

    (I look in the drawer, and I see the index tab for [Project #1]. I point to it.)

    Me: “It’s right there, [Boss].”

    Boss: “Why is it in front of [Project #2]? Why do you have [Project #1, whose name begins with C-R-O] in front of [Project 2, whose name begins with C-R-U]?”

    Me: “The projects are filed in alphabetical order by name. I or someone else may have accidentally misfiled.”

    (I trail off, looking again at the tabs. They’re in the right order.)

    Me: “…huh. They’re in the correct order, [Boss].”

    Boss: “No, they’re not.”

    (My boss recites the letters of alphabet while ticking off on his fingers, as if he was counting.)

    Boss: “L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U…”

    Me: *shaking with laughter*

    Boss: “Shut up. Sometimes you drive me to drink, [My Name]!”

    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 3

    | IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Top

    (For some reason, I’ve been getting angry phone calls meant for someone else from an internet provider. My aunt and uncle from Oman are currently visiting when the phone rings.)

    Me: “Oh… it’s [ISP] again. I’ve told them to take me off their list a dozen times.”

    Aunt: “Try again. Maybe if you tell them—”

    Uncle: “No. Let me.”

    (My uncle answers the phone.)

    Uncle: *in Arabic* “Good evening, you insane person.”

    Caller: “Hi. I’m calling on behalf of [ISP]. We need to speak with [Name] at [other address] concerning—”

    Uncle: *still speaking Arabic* “Why do you not listen? He is not here! I am in a kitchen! The bananas are not ripe yet. My nephew’s cat does not like me! Soccer is fun to watch. My ears are on fire! My face is made of coins! There are clocks all over the ceiling.”

    Caller: *click*

    (They gave up after two more similar calls!)

    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 2
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers

    Killed By A Freudian Slip

    | Schenectady, NY, USA | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Language & Words

    (I am on the phone with my supervisor.)

    Supervisor: “[New Employee I haven’t met] won’t be in today. She was in a fatal car accident.”

    (My heart almost stops.)

    Me: “WHAT?!?”

    Supervisor: “Yeah, she’ll be starting in a few days.”

    Me: “[Supervisor], you scared me. I think someone needs to tell you what ‘fatal’ means!”

    Our Great DiscrimiNation, Part 3

    | VA, USA | Bigotry, Bosses & Owners, Language & Words

    (I’ve recently started a new job. I’m Native American. I lighten my hair to bring out red highlights and am commonly mistaken for Hispanic.)

    Manager: “I’m glad you’re here today. No one else speaks Spanish. Go help this couple.” *motions Hispanic couple over*

    Me: “Sir, I don’t speak Spanish.”

    Manager: “Yes, you do. You’re Mexican.”

    Me: “No. I’m not.”

    Manager: “What are you then?”

    Me: “I’m Native American.”

    (The next week the manager interviewed two new applicants, both Spanish speaking, since ‘I’m not Mexican.’)

    Our Great DiscrimiNation, Part 2
    Our Great DiscrimiNation

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