• Very Genderal Humor
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    Category: Language & Words

    Can’t Quite Picture Your Request

    | Newbury, MA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words

    Me: “Can I get a pitcher of sangria?”

    Employee: *confused* “I’m sorry; I don’t think… Yeah, we don’t do that.”

    Me: *more confused* “Okay, thanks. I’ll find something else.”

    (I go back to looking at the menu, which clearly lists pitchers of sangria. Two minutes later…)

    Employee: “Wait, did you mean like drink pitchers? I thought you meant like a picture! Like you wanted to know what it looked like or something! I was so confused! Yeah… We do drink pitchers. I’ll get you one. I’m sorry, I was so confused!”

    Me: “…It’s that kind of day, isn’t it?”

    (The sangria was lovely, and I couldn’t blame her! It was Friday afternoon by the beach; she was ready to be done! Still, though… Who asks for a PICTURE of a drink?)

    Fear Not The Magic Of The Lightning Guild

    | FL, USA | Awesome Workers, Geeks Rule, Language & Words

    (I am having some work done in my house when a new worker shows up, surprising me since I thought I knew everyone and the head contractor had not told me new people were showing up.)

    Man: “Fear not my magics, fair maiden. I am a servant of peace! I am the one they call the Ender of all that is Dark! The vile forces of the water dwellers have rendered my brother unable to continue the tasks unsigned to him by the leader of our order.”

    Me: “I- uh… what?”

    Man: *laughs heartily* “I’m the new electrician; [Name] got some bad sushi last night, so our boss called me in to finish the job.”

    Me: *bursts out laughing* “Oh, my god, that is the best thing I’ve ever heard!”

    Maybe It Was ‘Devil May Cry’

    | OH, USA | Bosses & Owners, Language & Words, Technology

    (I’m walking through the back room when i hear two managers talking to each other. I hear ‘screams like a banshee’ and suddenly look at them.)

    Me: “Uhm… can I get some context on that?”

    Manager #1: “Okay, so I was going through the game repair slips and saw one for [Game]. [Employee] wrote it, but had a quote from [Manager #3]. He said that the game screamed like a banshee when it turned on.”

    Me: “Wait, really?!”

    (I look at the repair form. It had the statement in quotes.)

    Me: “So… do we call a mechanic or a priest?”

    Translate From Kryptonian

    | Israel | Coworkers, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (My coworker speaks English only as a third language so he does a lot of literal translations.)

    Coworker: “I’m feeling myself like Superman!”

    Me: “Um, you probably should not phrase it like that.”

    Coworker: “So, how would you say that you’re feeling yourself like Superman?”

    Me: “I wouldn’t.”

    No Attempts Yet But I’m Beginning To Think About It

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA | Employees, Health & Body, Language & Words

    (I need a new psychologist to treat several continuing issues. A nurse is conducting the standard intake interview.)

    Nurse: “Have you ever been admitted to a psychiatric hospital?”

    Me: *provides details*

    Nurse: “Are you currently having any suicidal thoughts?”

    Me: “No.”

    Nurse: “Have you ever COMMITTED suicide?”

    (I was struck speechless for a moment. Before I could think of a snappy comeback, she recovered and asked the question she meant to:)

    Nurse: “Have you ever ATTEMPTED suicide?”

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