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    Category: Language & Words

    You’ll Find Them Next To The Spoonerism And Cutlery

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Coworkers, Language & Words

    (My coworker is distracted doing some paperwork. A customer approaches her. I am coming from behind the customer.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you have fitted sheets?”

    Coworker: “Yes, ‘s***ted feets’ are over there”

    (My coworker points, and the customer heads off.)

    Me: “Um, [Coworker], do you realise what you just said to that customer?”

    Coworker: “Yes, I told her where the fitted sheets were.”

    Me: “No, you told her where the s***ted feets were.”

    Coworker: “No, I didn’t. Did I?”

    Me: “Yep and I don’t even think the customer realised either.”

    Have To Die To Get A Break

    | Tilton, NH, USA | Bosses & Owners, Language & Words

    (I work in a women’s clothing store where all the associates wear headsets to keep in contact with everywhere in the store. I am at the register with a coworker, while two others are in our fitting room and our manager is in the back.)

    Manager: *over the headset* “All right, [My Name]. When you’re done with your customer I’m going to send you to the fitting room so [Coworker #2] can go decompose.”

    (I pause, wondering if I heard right. I head back toward the fitting room.)

    Coworker #1: *over the headset* “Decompose?”

    Manager: *over the headset* “Decompress, compose herself, whatever.”

    (I could hear Coworker #1 laughing across the store and found Coworker #3 trying not to laugh in the fitting room. We now joke about going on break to ‘decompose.’)

    Giving Dry Humor A Dry Run

    | Gascoyne, WA, Australia | Employees, Language & Words, Tourists & Travel

    (I work in a remote roadhouse. After many years of the same questions I get a bit tired of them so I have a little fun.)

    Customer: “Do you have a shower?”

    Me: “Yeah, about once a day. Twice if it’s hot.”

    Customer: “Where are your toilets?”

    Me: “If you go out that door you can go anywhere in the courtyard. All of the plants need to be watered.”

    (Everyone usually laughed. They hadn’t seen people on over 100 km so a sense of humor was appreciated, no matter how dry.)

    That Blew Up In His Face

    | Watford, England, UK | Employees, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (My spouse, parents and I are visiting a popular studio tour for a certain movie series. It’s bank holiday weekend, so the crowds are pretty big. We’ve been queuing for a while, and as we’re led into the first room, we’re tired and restless, and surrounded by many people feeling just the same.)

    Guide: *climbs onto a platform so everyone has a clear view of him* “Good afternoon, everyone! My name is [Guide] and I’m here to blow you this afternoon!”

    (The guide freezed, realising what he’s just said. The kids were oblivious, but several adults, my family included, started giggling as the guide composed himself and continued as if nothing happened.)

    This Customer Is A Godsend

    | PA, USA | At The Checkout, Employees, Language & Words, Religion

    (I’m at a convenience store. When I get to the register, I note the cashier’s name tag says ‘Saraswati.’ I’m slightly confused, because I understand the name’s history, but the cashier doesn’t appear to be of Indian ethnicity. Nonetheless…)

    Me: “Hello, Goddess.”

    Cashier: *stops scanning items and looks at me haltingly* “Why did you call me ‘Goddess’?”

    Me: “Well, your nametag… Isn’t that the name of a Hindu Goddess?”

    Cashier: “You’re the ONLY person who’s ever known that!”

    Me: “Heh. It does confuse me a little. You don’t really look Indian. One of your parents..?”

    Cashier: “No. I’m not Hindu. My parents just named me after the Goddess for some reason. I’m still just baffled. Lots of people have asked about my unusual name, but you’re the only one who’s ever known about it without an explanation!”

    Me: “I’m flattered. Take care, Goddess.”

    Cashier: “You, too!”

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