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    Category: Language & Words

    Management Speak

    | WI, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Bosses & Owners, Language & Words

    (I’m in a meeting with several managers and assistant supervisors. The director, who has been running around all day like his hair was on fire, pokes his head in.)

    Director: ”Where—” *stammers something unintelligible*

    (He frowns as his mouth refuses to work right, but then grins and decides to run with it.)

    Director: *gibberish*?

    Manager: *gibberish while pointing to the right*

    Director: *gibberish while nodding*

    (The director leaves like his question has been answered. The rest of us watching are in stitches.)

    Assistant Supervisor: ”What the h*** was that?!”

    Name Isn’t Seth In Stone

    | TN, USA | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Language & Words, New Hires

    (There are mostly women working in the store so a coworker and I are quite excited to have a new guy working on the truck with us to help with the heavy lifting. We are talking about him and how well he’s working out when the head manager comes into the back and overhears us.)

    Me: “The new guy is really working out so far. He’s been asking great questions and he’s really fast at his work.”

    Coworker: “What’s his name again?”

    Manager: “Siet. Weirdest name I’ve ever heard.”

    Me: “I thought his name was Seth.”

    Coworker: “That’s what I heard.”

    Manager: “How do you spell that?”

    Me: “Seth. S-E-T-H.”

    Manager: “How do you say it?”

    Me: “Seth.”

    Manager: “I’ve never heard of someone named Seth. Have you?”

    Me: “I think it comes from mythology, but it’s a pretty common name.”

    Manager: “Hmm. Well, I don’t like it. What’s his middle name? We’ll have to find something else to call him.”

    The Icing On The Cake Is The Icing On The Cake

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Employees, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

    (My mom is at the bakery buying a cake for a special occasion.)

    Employee: “Here’s your cake. Would you like anything written on it?”

    Mom: “Well, yes, but I was wondering if I can do it myself?”

    Employee: “Oh, no, that’s quite all right. I can do it myself.”

    Mom: “No, this is something only I can write. I don’t think you can do it.”

    Employee: “Rest assured, ma’am, I am very confident in my ability to write with icing. I’ve worked here for over 15 years, and I’ve gotten quite good at it.”

    Mom: “Look, I’m pretty sure you’re really good at it, but please humour me just this once. If you can just give me a piping bag and some icing, I’ll do it myself and be on my way.”

    Employee: “Okay, ma’am, but only on the condition that you pay for the cake even if the writing doesn’t turn out to your liking.”

    Mom: “Fine by me.”

    (The employee hands a piping bag full of chocolate icing to my mom. She takes the piping bag, and starts masterfully writing on a 10-inch cake, in KOREAN. She writes small enough to put at least three sentences on such a small space. The employee just looks at this spectacle, dumbfounded.)

    Employee: “Okay. You’re right, and I’m wrong. That’ll teach me for doubting a customer.”

    You’ll Find Them Next To The Spoonerism And Cutlery

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Coworkers, Language & Words

    (My coworker is distracted doing some paperwork. A customer approaches her. I am coming from behind the customer.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you have fitted sheets?”

    Coworker: “Yes, ‘s***ted feets’ are over there”

    (My coworker points, and the customer heads off.)

    Me: “Um, [Coworker], do you realise what you just said to that customer?”

    Coworker: “Yes, I told her where the fitted sheets were.”

    Me: “No, you told her where the s***ted feets were.”

    Coworker: “No, I didn’t. Did I?”

    Me: “Yep and I don’t even think the customer realised either.”

    Have To Die To Get A Break

    | Tilton, NH, USA | Bosses & Owners, Language & Words

    (I work in a women’s clothing store where all the associates wear headsets to keep in contact with everywhere in the store. I am at the register with a coworker, while two others are in our fitting room and our manager is in the back.)

    Manager: *over the headset* “All right, [My Name]. When you’re done with your customer I’m going to send you to the fitting room so [Coworker #2] can go decompose.”

    (I pause, wondering if I heard right. I head back toward the fitting room.)

    Coworker #1: *over the headset* “Decompose?”

    Manager: *over the headset* “Decompress, compose herself, whatever.”

    (I could hear Coworker #1 laughing across the store and found Coworker #3 trying not to laugh in the fitting room. We now joke about going on break to ‘decompose.’)

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