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    Category: Liars/Scammers

    Your BS-Sensor Is Working Just Fine

    | England, UK | Employees, Liars/Scammers, Transportation

    (I’ve been using the same garage for a few years. I even get a discount as my company partially owns it, so they are pretty trustworthy. This time I drop my car off with a new worker. I get a phone call to tell me that my car is ready.)

    Me: “Hi, it’s [My Name]. You have my car ready for me?”

    Mechanic: “Yeah sure; one second.”

    (He disappears for ages. I can actually see my car keys through the window, so I have no idea what he is doing.)

    Mechanic: “Okay, so we had to do a bit extra work to get it sorted for you.”

    Me: “Extra work? I didn’t agree to any of that.”

    Mechanic: “Well, it is easier for us to fix it whilst we had the car in pieces then it would have been to put it all back together again and do it later.”

    Me: “Okay, so what is the damage?”

    Mechanic: “Your total is here.” *points to the figure with his pen, it is £600 more than I was told*

    Me: “Whoa, wait, wait, wait. What is all this?!”

    Mechanic: “Well, we had to replace several parts and it took us most of the day. The sensor we changed cost us 200 bucks alone.”

    Me: “Okay, first you have only had the car for half of the day, secondly I didn’t agree to any of this, and thirdly if you check your records you will see that last year you replaced that sensor and didn’t charge me anywhere near that much.”

    (The mechanic’s mouth is wide open.)

    Me: “So what is it going to be? Are you ripping me off, or is your work last year so shoddy that it fails every year?”

    Mechanic: “I just have to speak to my manager…”

    (He disappeared. Later he told me that due to my circumstances my whole bill would be free. I’ve been there since and never got served by him again.)


    Doctored Doctor Note

    | NY, USA | Coworkers, Health & Body, Liars/Scammers, Top

    (I work as a manager in a retail store. I have one employee who always calls in.)

    Employee: *on the phone* “I cannot come in today. I am sick!”

    Me: “Well, this is the seventh time this month you have been sick and the 28th time this year so far. Please provide a doctor’s note, because you have yet to bring one in.”

    Employee: “It’s illegal to not let me take off sick days!”

    Me: “I said bring a doctor’s note, not come into work. You are required to bring in a doctor’s note and you have not. The next time this happens without a note, you will be written up. This is the seventh time in three weeks you have called in.”

    Employee: “I have a weak immune system!”

    Me: “I am sure a doctor’s note will help prove that.”

    Employee: ‘This is illegal!”

    Me: “It is in no way illegal to require a doctor’s note. If you are this chronically ill, then urging you to get treatment would be the best course of action. I will see you tomorrow.” *hangs up*

    (The next day:)

    Employee: “Here, look. I said I was sick!”

    Me: *looking at obviously fake doctor’s note, made on the employee’s computer* “I… really? This says to excuse you from work for two weeks because of a ‘traumitic’ illness of the ‘lunges’. Is that supposed to be ‘lungs’? And where exactly is Dr. R. McDonald in this town? I am unfamiliar with that practice.”

    Employee: “Oh, uh, next town over.”

    Me: “Really? Which one? Also, I would love to know where the number 555-555-5555 is located or 555 Main Street. If you are going to give me a fake doctor’s note, at least use the number and address of a friend and not a whole bunch of ‘5’s.”

    Employee: “That is not fake! I demand that you give me my legally required days of! The doctor ordered it!”

    Me: “I am not playing this game. You are fired.”

    Employee: “You cannot do that! This is illegal!”

    Me: “Really? You called in without cause for seven days this month alone, caused backups and under-staffing, now you are lying about a doctor’s note. I am sending this note to corporate and you are fired for neglecting your duties repeatedly.”

    Employee: *screaming* “You cannot do this!”

    Me: “Aren’t those lungs supposed to be ‘traumitically ill’? Those sure sound healthy to me. Also, I just googled the doctor, just to humor you. Do you want to guess what I found?”

    Employee: *throws name tag at me, still yelling*

    Me: “Great, I will add assault to the list of reasons I fired you when I talk to corporate.”

    Needs To Commission A Better Attitude

    | NY, USA | Coworkers, Liars/Scammers, Money

    (I perform administrative duties for the salespeople at my company. If a salesperson takes out a client for business entertainment purposes, the company will pay for some of it, but a portion of the cost is deducted from their commission. One salesperson, is particularly high maintenance…)

    Me: “Is [Client] related to this limo expense?”

    Salesperson: “Noooo, they didn’t use it!”

    Me: “Well, [Vendor] billed us, so…”

    Salesperson: “My client was waiting forever so we took [Alternative Car Service].”

    (I call the vendor and talk to a sharp representative who reads me the system notes: Limo scheduled to pick up at 10:00 pm, reservation cancelled at 9:55 pm. Cost of drivers time, fuel, and other fees fully billable as per policy.)

    Me: “You said the client was waiting a long time for the ride? I called [Vendor] and they’re telling me you cancelled 5 minutes before the scheduled pick up.”

    Salesperson: *not happy that this is going to be deducted from her commissions* “Well, yes, but my client was in a rush so we just flagged the first taxi we saw.”

    Me: “Okay, but imagine if someone did that to our business and it affected our bottom line, after we already invested time and money. I have to agree with [Vendor].”

    Salesperson: “I know, but he ultimately didn’t use the service. Could you please, please call them and try to dispute this?” *phony smile*

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I go back to my desk. Go through a few emails. Process a few requests for other departments. Look off into space. Then I come back to her.)

    Me: “Sorry! I was on the phone for almost an hour! I spoke to a representative, and held for two different managers! Unfortunately they simply won’t budge!” *exasperated sigh followed by phony smile*

    Master Of Space And Time Sheets

    | New Zealand | Coworkers, Liars/Scammers, Time

    (I am printing out the timesheets for the staff payroll when I am lucky enough to have this conversation:)

    Me: “Hi, [Staff Member], it says here that you did a total of 26 hours on your timesheet for one day.”

    Staff Member: “Yep, that sounds about right.”

    Me: “So, you did a 12-hour day on Tuesday, then an 8-hour job, a 10-hour job, and another 8-hour job, all on Wednesday, followed by another 12-hour day on Thursday?

    Staff Member: “Yep, we’re pretty busy…”

    Me: “So busy that you have worked out how to extend time? When do you sleep?”

    Staff Member: “Oh, I’m very careful to ensure I get eight hours a night.”

    Me: “Aha…”

    Your Scam Is Malfunctioning

    | Fairfax, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Liars/Scammers

    (I just received a call from ‘Allen,’ the Microsoft Certified Technician, who says there’s something wrong with my computer:)

    Me: “I am really busy right now, but could you please call back in five minutes at my other number?”

    Caller: “Sure. Just say the number.”

    Me: “My number is [number]. Thanks, and I look forward to chatting with you.”

    (I hang up and called the same number and the Fairfax Police Department dispatcher answers.)

    Me: “Hi, [Dispatcher]. You should expect a phone call from Allen the scammer regarding a malfunctioning computer.”

    Dispatcher: *laughs* “That’s a great one! I look forward to chatting with him!”

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