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    Category: Liars/Scammers

    Master Of Space And Time Sheets

    | New Zealand | Coworkers, Liars/Scammers, Time

    (I am printing out the timesheets for the staff payroll when I am lucky enough to have this conversation:)

    Me: “Hi, [Staff Member], it says here that you did a total of 26 hours on your timesheet for one day.”

    Staff Member: “Yep, that sounds about right.”

    Me: “So, you did a 12-hour day on Tuesday, then an 8-hour job, a 10-hour job, and another 8-hour job, all on Wednesday, followed by another 12-hour day on Thursday?

    Staff Member: “Yep, we’re pretty busy…”

    Me: “So busy that you have worked out how to extend time? When do you sleep?”

    Staff Member: “Oh, I’m very careful to ensure I get eight hours a night.”

    Me: “Aha…”

    Your Scam Is Malfunctioning

    | Fairfax, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Liars/Scammers

    (I just received a call from ‘Allen,’ the Microsoft Certified Technician, who says there’s something wrong with my computer:)

    Me: “I am really busy right now, but could you please call back in five minutes at my other number?”

    Caller: “Sure. Just say the number.”

    Me: “My number is [number]. Thanks, and I look forward to chatting with you.”

    (I hang up and called the same number and the Fairfax Police Department dispatcher answers.)

    Me: “Hi, [Dispatcher]. You should expect a phone call from Allen the scammer regarding a malfunctioning computer.”

    Dispatcher: *laughs* “That’s a great one! I look forward to chatting with him!”

    Needs To Get A Stronger Backbone

    | Pasadena, MD, USA | Coworkers, Health & Body, Lazy/Unhelpful, Liars/Scammers

    (I work at a car parts store. One of my coworkers is not that bright, but also very lazy. He tries to get out of work whenever he can.)

    Coworker: “Aw, man, my back is killing me. Can I go home early?”

    Me: “No, you went home early yesterday.”

    Coworker: “But my back is killing me today and it just gets worse.”

    Me: “How can your back get worse? You haven’t done anything over then deliver parts all day.”

    Coworker: “Yeah, but sitting makes it worse.”

    (The next day.)

    Coworker: *calls in* “I’m going to be late. I hurt my back this morning.”

    (The next day.)

    Coworker: “I need to leave early. I hurt my back.”

    Me: “No. My back hurts, too. You have to stay as long as I do.”

    Coworker: “But no one in this store has worse back issues than me!”

    Me: “Incorrect. I have had issue with my back since puberty, having constant muscle spasms. [Coworker #2] has a terrible knee, but can still stand and deliver parts without issue. [Coworker #3] has had lordosis, causing her back to form the wrong way. If they can drive and stand then so can you.”

    (45 minutes later.)

    Coworker: “I can’t wait to ride my motorcycle later.”

    Me: “I thought you said your back hurt?”

    Coworker: “It does, but I don’t need that to ride a motorcycle.”

    Me: “Then how do you balance on it without using your back?”

    (He stopped talking to me after that.)

    Trying To Bottle-Neck The Economy

    | Sao Paolo, Brazil | Employees, Food & Drink, Liars/Scammers

    (We are having a barbeque, but have run out of beer. My friend and I pick up a plastic box with 24 returnable 20-oz bottles in the car’s trunk and head to a bar near the house. In Brazil, we don’t usually have dedicated liquor stores; we can buy beer at markets or bars and get it to go.)

    Me: “Hi! Do you have cold beer? I’ll need 24 bottles of [Beer].”

    Cashier #1: “Sorry, buddy, my stock just ran out of [Beer]. You can check at the other bar, just across the street.”

    (There is another bar, at EXACTLY the other side of the street. An advertisement outside the bar says ‘[Beer] only R$2.50 per bottle.’ The cashier of the second bar sees me crossing the street with the plastic box packed with empty bottles. He has the beer I want, and I have a guaranteed 24-bottles order.)

    Me: “Hi, there! Your friend across the street said you have cold [Beer]. I’ll have 24 of them, please.”

    Cashier #2: “Sure! It will cost R$2.70 each.”

    Me: “Whoa… it says R$2.50 at that poster outside…”

    Cashier #2: “That’s for small quantities. For large quantities it will cost more.”

    Me: “Shouldn’t be the opposite? You should give me a wholesale discount!”

    Cashier #2: “No. For large quantities, I’ll charge a little more. That’s the way it works.”

    (The man was clearly trying to get some advantage from a drunk.)

    Me: “Yep, you are right! I don’t want 24 beers anymore. I’ll take just one.”

    (The man handed me one.)

    Me: “Thanks. You know what? I think I want another one.”

    (The man understands that I will do that 22 more times.)

    Cashier #2: “Nah, okay… You win. I’ll give you a discount. R$2.40 each.”

    Me: “Thanks… I may be drunk, but it doesn’t mean I am stupid!”

    The Great Scam Of ’09

    | USA | Employees, Liars/Scammers, Technology, Transportation

    Telemarketer: “Hello, this the national protection service, calling about the parts and warranty on a car registered to this address, and we’ve noted it’s about to expire”

    (Instantly recognizing this as the standard lie to make it sound official and that I’ve done business with them in the past, I decide to play along.)

    Me: “What’s about to expire?”

    Telemarketer: “It’s listed here in our records as an ’09”

    Me: “An ’09 what?”

    Telemarketer: “Sir, due to security purposes, I can’t tell you.”

    Me: “Well, due to security purposes, I can’t help you.”

    Telemarketer: *beat of stunned silence* “Sir, it’s an ’09.”

    Me: “Ma’am, an ’09 what?”

    Telemarketer: “Due to security purposes, I can’t tell you”

    Me: “Well, due to security purposes, I can’t help you.”

    (Unsure of what to do, tries the above pattern again, this repeats two more times, comes back around again for a fifth time.)

    Telemarketer: “Sir, It’s an ’09.”

    Me: “An ’09 what? an ’09 boat? And ’09 motorcycle? An ’09 car? What?”

    Telemarketer: *sigh* “It’s an ’09 car, sir”

    Me: “Which one? Which ’09?”

    Telemarketer: “Sir, due to security purposes, I can’t tell you.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I can’t help you.”

    (Another moment of silence goes by.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I can keep doing this little merry-go-round conversation all day. I’ve got nothing scheduled.”

    Telemarketer: *click*

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