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    Category: Liars/Scammers

    Doctored Doctor Note

    | NY, USA | Coworkers, Health & Body, Liars/Scammers, Top

    (I work as a manager in a retail store. I have one employee who always calls in.)

    Employee: *on the phone* “I cannot come in today. I am sick!”

    Me: “Well, this is the seventh time this month you have been sick and the 28th time this year so far. Please provide a doctor’s note, because you have yet to bring one in.”

    Employee: “It’s illegal to not let me take off sick days!”

    Me: “I said bring a doctor’s note, not come into work. You are required to bring in a doctor’s note and you have not. The next time this happens without a note, you will be written up. This is the seventh time in three weeks you have called in.”

    Employee: “I have a weak immune system!”

    Me: “I am sure a doctor’s note will help prove that.”

    Employee: ‘This is illegal!”

    Me: “It is in no way illegal to require a doctor’s note. If you are this chronically ill, then urging you to get treatment would be the best course of action. I will see you tomorrow.” *hangs up*

    (The next day:)

    Employee: “Here, look. I said I was sick!”

    Me: *looking at obviously fake doctor’s note, made on the employee’s computer* “I… really? This says to excuse you from work for two weeks because of a ‘traumitic’ illness of the ‘lunges’. Is that supposed to be ‘lungs’? And where exactly is Dr. R. McDonald in this town? I am unfamiliar with that practice.”

    Employee: “Oh, uh, next town over.”

    Me: “Really? Which one? Also, I would love to know where the number 555-555-5555 is located or 555 Main Street. If you are going to give me a fake doctor’s note, at least use the number and address of a friend and not a whole bunch of ‘5’s.”

    Employee: “That is not fake! I demand that you give me my legally required days of! The doctor ordered it!”

    Me: “I am not playing this game. You are fired.”

    Employee: “You cannot do that! This is illegal!”

    Me: “Really? You called in without cause for seven days this month alone, caused backups and under-staffing, now you are lying about a doctor’s note. I am sending this note to corporate and you are fired for neglecting your duties repeatedly.”

    Employee: *screaming* “You cannot do this!”

    Me: “Aren’t those lungs supposed to be ‘traumitically ill’? Those sure sound healthy to me. Also, I just googled the doctor, just to humor you. Do you want to guess what I found?”

    Employee: *throws name tag at me, still yelling*

    Me: “Great, I will add assault to the list of reasons I fired you when I talk to corporate.”

    Needs To Commission A Better Attitude

    | NY, USA | Coworkers, Liars/Scammers, Money

    (I perform administrative duties for the salespeople at my company. If a salesperson takes out a client for business entertainment purposes, the company will pay for some of it, but a portion of the cost is deducted from their commission. One salesperson, is particularly high maintenance…)

    Me: “Is [Client] related to this limo expense?”

    Salesperson: “Noooo, they didn’t use it!”

    Me: “Well, [Vendor] billed us, so…”

    Salesperson: “My client was waiting forever so we took [Alternative Car Service].”

    (I call the vendor and talk to a sharp representative who reads me the system notes: Limo scheduled to pick up at 10:00 pm, reservation cancelled at 9:55 pm. Cost of drivers time, fuel, and other fees fully billable as per policy.)

    Me: “You said the client was waiting a long time for the ride? I called [Vendor] and they’re telling me you cancelled 5 minutes before the scheduled pick up.”

    Salesperson: *not happy that this is going to be deducted from her commissions* “Well, yes, but my client was in a rush so we just flagged the first taxi we saw.”

    Me: “Okay, but imagine if someone did that to our business and it affected our bottom line, after we already invested time and money. I have to agree with [Vendor].”

    Salesperson: “I know, but he ultimately didn’t use the service. Could you please, please call them and try to dispute this?” *phony smile*

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I go back to my desk. Go through a few emails. Process a few requests for other departments. Look off into space. Then I come back to her.)

    Me: “Sorry! I was on the phone for almost an hour! I spoke to a representative, and held for two different managers! Unfortunately they simply won’t budge!” *exasperated sigh followed by phony smile*

    Master Of Space And Time Sheets

    | New Zealand | Coworkers, Liars/Scammers, Time

    (I am printing out the timesheets for the staff payroll when I am lucky enough to have this conversation:)

    Me: “Hi, [Staff Member], it says here that you did a total of 26 hours on your timesheet for one day.”

    Staff Member: “Yep, that sounds about right.”

    Me: “So, you did a 12-hour day on Tuesday, then an 8-hour job, a 10-hour job, and another 8-hour job, all on Wednesday, followed by another 12-hour day on Thursday?

    Staff Member: “Yep, we’re pretty busy…”

    Me: “So busy that you have worked out how to extend time? When do you sleep?”

    Staff Member: “Oh, I’m very careful to ensure I get eight hours a night.”

    Me: “Aha…”

    Your Scam Is Malfunctioning

    | Fairfax, CA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Liars/Scammers

    (I just received a call from ‘Allen,’ the Microsoft Certified Technician, who says there’s something wrong with my computer:)

    Me: “I am really busy right now, but could you please call back in five minutes at my other number?”

    Caller: “Sure. Just say the number.”

    Me: “My number is [number]. Thanks, and I look forward to chatting with you.”

    (I hang up and called the same number and the Fairfax Police Department dispatcher answers.)

    Me: “Hi, [Dispatcher]. You should expect a phone call from Allen the scammer regarding a malfunctioning computer.”

    Dispatcher: *laughs* “That’s a great one! I look forward to chatting with him!”

    Needs To Get A Stronger Backbone

    | Pasadena, MD, USA | Coworkers, Health & Body, Lazy/Unhelpful, Liars/Scammers

    (I work at a car parts store. One of my coworkers is not that bright, but also very lazy. He tries to get out of work whenever he can.)

    Coworker: “Aw, man, my back is killing me. Can I go home early?”

    Me: “No, you went home early yesterday.”

    Coworker: “But my back is killing me today and it just gets worse.”

    Me: “How can your back get worse? You haven’t done anything over then deliver parts all day.”

    Coworker: “Yeah, but sitting makes it worse.”

    (The next day.)

    Coworker: *calls in* “I’m going to be late. I hurt my back this morning.”

    (The next day.)

    Coworker: “I need to leave early. I hurt my back.”

    Me: “No. My back hurts, too. You have to stay as long as I do.”

    Coworker: “But no one in this store has worse back issues than me!”

    Me: “Incorrect. I have had issue with my back since puberty, having constant muscle spasms. [Coworker #2] has a terrible knee, but can still stand and deliver parts without issue. [Coworker #3] has had lordosis, causing her back to form the wrong way. If they can drive and stand then so can you.”

    (45 minutes later.)

    Coworker: “I can’t wait to ride my motorcycle later.”

    Me: “I thought you said your back hurt?”

    Coworker: “It does, but I don’t need that to ride a motorcycle.”

    Me: “Then how do you balance on it without using your back?”

    (He stopped talking to me after that.)

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