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  • Swearing You Into A Job
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  • Category: Movies & TV

    Must Be Herd Of Hearing

    | PA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Movies & TV

    (I’m the weird one in this story. I’m a massage therapist working at a chain location. All employees are given one free massage a month on the company. One of the receptionists has booked with me one evening. She has her hair dyed a vibrant red. I’m am somewhat of a Brony, but as far as I know she is unfamiliar with the ‘My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic’ show.)

    Me: *finishing pre-massage intake* “What kind of pressure do you want?”

    Coworker: “Deep tissue. Just not so deep that it’s painful, if possible.”

    Me: “Okay. And lastly, what color hair do you want when I’m finished?”

    Coworker: “… Excuse me?”

    Me: “You said you wanted to try a scalp massage this time, right?”

    Coworker: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Well by working the scalp and manipulating the follicles I can alter your hair color. Maybe make it a deeper red.”

    Coworker: “I don’t… What?”

    Me: “Or maybe give you a few highlights?”

    Coworker: *stutters a bit, not sure if I’m being serious*

    Me: *completely straight face* “Look, in order to give a good massage you have to get empathic a bit and in touch with what the other person is feeling. Massage is friendship. And friendship, is magic.”

    Coworker: “I don’t think… Are you… huh?”

    Me: “Oh for the love of… I’m just screwing with you!”

    Spilled Karma

    | Denver, CO, USA | Coworkers, Food & Drink, Movies & TV

    (About an hour before, my coworker spilled a strawberry smoothie all over the front of himself, soaking his shirt, pants, and the floor. I tease him about it mercilessly. Then, when I am helping another server get drinks for a table, I managed to catch the edge of the spout on the lip of the glass, knocking it over and spilling soda all over my pants. I walk into the kitchen laughing hysterically.)

    Me: “So, [Coworker], I can’t make fun of you for spilling that smoothie anymore. I just knocked a soda onto my pants.”

    Coworker: *laughs* “It looks like you peed your pants!”

    Me: “Speak for yourself!”

    Coworker: “Well, you’re not cool until you pee your pants!”

    Me: *laughing hysterically* “Was that a Billy Madison reference?”

    This Place Is A Train Wreck

    | London, England, UK | Bosses & Owners, Employees, Family & Kids, Lazy/Unhelpful, Movies & TV

    (My mother and grandmother are taking my younger brother and our cousin (who are about three months apart in age, and are both about four years old) out to see a one-off ‘Thomas The Tank Engine’ special film, that was only showing for one morning on a Saturday. We’ve known this cinema to have sub-par standards before, but we keep coming back because it’s 20 percent cheaper than any of the others in the area. The film turns out to be extremely popular, to the point where there is only one cashier running the tickets and refreshments while her manager looks on at the queue which now contains over 150 parents and children. Despite turning up early, we only get our tickets about five minutes after the ‘start’ time for the film, but we aren’t too worried as there’s usually about 30 minutes of adverts and trailers. When we get into the cinema however, we find that the film has already started, and has been going on for over 10 minutes. We head back out to talk to the manager, also noting that the line is still continuing to grow.)

    Mum: “Excuse me. Are you the manager?”

    Manager: “Yes, I am. Is there a problem?”

    Mum: “I was just wondering if you could stop and rewind the Thomas The Tank Engine film that’s playing. It seems to have started early, and there’s an awful lot of parents and kids here who aren’t going to get in until it’s nearly halfway through.”

    Manager: “Oh, sorry. I can’t do that. It’s on a timer.”

    Mum: “So, you aren’t even going to inform people that their film has already started, and they are going to miss most of it? Adding to that, why is there nobody else on the tills? That poor girl has been working non stop by herself while you stand and watch!”

    Manager: “It’s not my problem.”

    Mum: “Right. Well, in that case I’m going to make it your problem.”

    (My mum clears her throat and announces to the 100+ parents in the queue:)

    Mum: “Excuse me, ladies and gents, but in case you were here to see the Thomas The Tank Engine film, I’m afraid it’s already started and is 15 minutes in now, and they apparently can’t pause or rewind it!”

    (At this point the line almost erupts into a small riot as people shout complaints at the manager. He couldn’t hand out free tickets fast enough!)

    Refunder Blunder, Part 4

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Movies & TV, Themed Giveaway

    (On a whim I buy a DVD box set from a bookstore I frequent, both for work and personal items. I only have it for about 24 hours and I haven’t opened it. As luck would have it I find it online for less than half of what I paid for it. Seeing as it isn’t opened, and I have the receipt, I opt to return it to the store. The store has two entrances, I use the one closest to the parking garage as opposed to the one closest to the street. It’s closer to the registers and I’m only returning an item. I have to walk through security sensors near the registers to even get in the store.)

    Me: “Hi. I’d like to return this. I have my receipt right here.”

    (The cashier doesn’t even acknowledge me or give any indication she heard me. She swipes the box set back across the demagnetizer and scans it.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think you heard me. I’m actually returning that item. I have my receipt right here.”

    Cashier: “Oh, okay. Sorry about that. Let me just scan it again.”

    (She does, and of course it comes up as magnetized.)

    Cashier: “Um, this is coming up magnetized. Are you sure you’re returning this?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I have the receipt right here.”

    Cashier: “Well, it’s coming up magnetized, so I don’t believe you.”

    Me: “I’m holding the receipt. I just walked through that door, some five feet away, and I didn’t set off the scanners when I walked in, so…”

    Cashier: ‘We’ll just try it through the door now.”

    (She takes the DVD set and walks up to the doors. Sure enough, the alarm goes off.)

    Cashier: “See? The sensor went off. Are you sure you didn’t just walk back there, pick it up, and are using an old receipt?”

    Me: “With all due respect, I just walked in with the item, and it didn’t set off the door when I came in. You quickly grabbed it out of my hand and you re-magnetized it when you tried to scan it the first time.”

    Cashier: “I don’t believe you. People do that all the time. They buy something and then pretend to return a copy from the store later on.”

    Me: “I came through this door here, nowhere near the DVDs. The receipt is only a day old. Why would I steal from a store I frequent? I’m in here at least twice a week. I should be somewhat recognizable. This is a brand new boxed set that was released this week. Your store is keeping it under the cabinet and I would have had to ask for it. So if you can find the person who supposedly did that for me today, then go ahead.”

    Cashier: “What are you returning it for, anyway? You probably copied all the files to your computer and are trying to scam us!”

    Me: “It’s still shrink wrapped. I have not opened it. Not that it should matter why I’m returning it, seeing as I have an unopened package and a receipt, but I found it much cheaper online and decided to save a few bucks.”

    Cashier: “So, you’re telling me you bought this online and are trying to return it here?”

    Me: “No. That’s not what I said at all.”

    Cashier: “If you ordered it online I cannot let you return this here. Although if you got this here today, like I think you did, I can’t let you return it anyway. So you can just leave now.”

    Me: “With this box set?”

    Cashier: “Yes. I can’t let you return something you didn’t buy here. If you didn’t want it you can just give it to someone as a gift or something.”

    Me: “Wait. First you accuse of me of stealing this item, which you say you cannot return because you’ve decided I’ve picked it up here today. Then you accuse me of buying this item online for cheaper, and trying to return it here for more money, even though I have a receipt proving I bought this item here, and you won’t return it either. Now, after all that, you’re just going to let me walk out of here with an item you think is stolen, because I can’t return it?”

    Cashier: “That’s right. You can’t return it. Take it and leave!”

    Me: “You do realize that if I had actually stolen the item you’d be letting me walk out the door with almost $100 worth of merchandise? Which I cannot return because you didn’t do your job correctly in the first place?”

    Cashier: “Oh! You’re right. I can’t let you take that at all. That would be stealing! I’m calling security.”

    Me: “I’ve got nowhere to be. You do that. In fact, why don’t you ask them to pull up the security tapes from the door as well. Why don’t you call up someone from the DVD department to ask it they served me today. And while we’re at it, ask security to pull up the tapes from yesterday, because you’ll see me right here paying for this item.”

    Cashier: “I’m not going to do all that, and I’m not going to let you return this item.”

    Me: “Well, then. I’d like to speak to your manager.”

    Cashier: “Ugh. Fine.”

    (The manager comes up a few minutes later.)

    Manager: “Hi. What’s going on?”

    (I hand over my receipt and the unopened package, and tell the manager the story.)

    Manager: “[Cashier], why won’t you let her return this?”

    Cashier: “She told me she bought it online. I can’t let her return something you she didn’t buy here!”

    Me: “No. First you accused me of stealing the item and trying to return something I didn’t pay for.”

    Cashier: “What about the magnet strip?”

    Manager: “Did you run it across the scanner before you talked to her?”

    Cashier: “Well, yes, because she was buying it!”

    Me: “I was never buying it today. I was returning it. I didn’t set off the doors when I walked in.”

    Cashier: “She could have come in the front doors, picked it up, and came up here!”

    Manager: *scans my rewards card for the store* “You’re in here all the time aren’t you? Looks like you’ve made a lot of purchases here.”

    Me: “Yup. I pick up books and DVDs for work, a TV show I work for. We spend a lot of money in this store and I’m sure you can look up how often I don’t return stuff.”

    Manager: “That’s probably true. Would you mind if I had tapes pulled? I know it’s probably inconvenient for you to wait.”

    Me: “Sure, go ahead. I’ve got nothing to hide.”

    Manager: “You know what? I believe you. If you were lying, which I suspect you’re not because you’re in here all the time, you’d probably have put up more of a fight.”

    Me: “Thank you. I appreciate that. Now, can I please return this item?”

    Manager: “Sure. [Cashier], will you take care of this for me?”

    Cashier: “But she told me she bought it online! I’m not going to return it. I don’t need that on my record! You do it!”

    (Despite the cashier’s protests, I eventually make the return, and take both copies of my receipt just in case!)

    From NotAlwaysRight
    Refunder Blunder, Part 3
    Refunder Blunder, Part 2
    Refunder Blunder

    A Long But Prosperous Day

    | Portland, OR, USA | Awesome Workers, Employees, Movies & TV, Top

    (I have been summoned for jury duty and am going through the courthouse security checkpoint. As requested, I empty my pockets of all metallic objects, including my keys, before passing through the walk-through metal detector. When the guard sees my keychain he does a double take with a quizzical look on his face.)

    Me: “Oh, that strange-looking item is my keychain. It’s just a small electronic toy that resembles one of those communicators from the original Star Trek series. I’m not sure if you’ve ever watched it, but I assure you, this keychain is definitely not harmful.”

    (Anxious to prove that the keychain wasn’t in fact a concealed weapon of some sort, I demonstrated to the guard that it just flipped open and made chirping noises that sounded just like the communicators from the show. As the guard observed this, his expression became overly serious, which worried me.)

    Guard: “Here. I need to examine it more closely.”

    (He motions for me to hand it over to him. After I comply, he flips it open and holds it up as though he is about to speak through it.)

    Guard: “This is Captain James T. Kirk. Beam me up, Scotty!”

    (Needless to say, I had worried for nothing! Furthermore, this put a big grin on my face and brightened up what was otherwise a long, dreary day in the jury room.)

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