(I am the author of this story on Not Always Right. I am in a popular book shop some 30 minutes away from home with my best friend. At the time, I am wearing a Marvel shirt with Loki on the front, and the phrase “I DO WHAT I WANT.” We approach the counter with film magazines. Our cashier is a woman who appears to be in her mid-thirties to early forties.)

Cashier: “Is this all for you today?”

My Friend: “It is, thanks.”

(I turn to browse through the pages of one of the magazines, as I indicate that we won’t be needing a bag. The cashier gives me a strange look and points at my shirt.)

Cashier: “What are you wearing?”

Me: “Marvel’s Loki. ”

Cashier: *stares*

Me: “God of Mischief? Brother of Thor? Portrayed by British actor Tom Hiddleston in Kenneth Branagh’s Thor and Joss Whedon’s The Avengers?”

My Friend: *sighs* “Just say yes. Otherwise, she’ll never shut up about him.” *coughs* “OBSESSED!”

Cashier: “…Isn’t he supposed to be the devil?”

Me: “Pretty much. But, come on. Tom’s Loki is one hell of a looker.”

Cashier: *backs away* “You worship the devil!!”

(Surprised by the cashier’s reaction, my friend and I exchange a look.)

My Friend: “Oh, come on! Yeah, Marvel consumes her life, but it’s just a bunch of comics.”

(The cashier screams and waves her arms.)

Cashier: “DEVIL WORSHIPPERS! MAY GOD FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR SINS!”

(At this point, my friend is yelling back and demanding to speak with the store manager. Leaning close to the counter, I stare the cashier in the eye with a straight face.)

Me: *deadpan and demonic* “PREPARE YOURSELF, FOR THE TIME OF THE DARK LORD HAS COME.”

(My friend stares in shock as the cashier bolts, drawing even more attention as the manager arrives to finish the transaction and apologize. Apparently, the woman has a history of jumping to severe conclusions, and has hair-trigger nerves.)

My Friend: “Why didn’t you just tell her off?”

Me: “Well, you know what they say: the Devil plays all the best tunes.”

(I am having my lunch in the break room. One of my coworkers is also taking his break. Note: he has a penchant for stealing a few bites from my lunch.)

Coworker: “Yoink!”

(As usual, he grabs a piece of food from my container.)

Me: “No! Don’t eat that!”

Coworker: “Calm down, buddy! You don’t need to get so mad about it!”

Me: “No! I’m not mad! Just put that down, RIGHT NOW!”

Coworker: “Whoa, what’s with the stick up your a**? You never had a problem with this before!” *puts food in his mouth anyway*

(He’s right: normally, I don’t have a problem with him taking a little bit of food, but this time, he really needed to stop. I’m having ‘tonkatsu’ for lunch, which is a Japanese dish that contains pork. My coworker is Jewish.)

Me: “D*** it, dude! You’re eating pork!”

Coworker: “AAAAAH!”

(My coworker spits the pork into a nearby trash can, runs over to the sink, and starts rinsing his mouth out. Since that incident, he has never stolen from my lunch again.)

Employee: “You can’t wear heels, lady. You need flats.”

Mom: “…Excuse me?”

Employee: “You’re as tall as your husband. Wearing those would make you taller.”

Dad: “I do not mind. She is my wife, and I love her no matter how tall she is.”

Employee: “Wow… don’t mind?! Well, man up or you’re both going to h***!”

(I work as the lead singer at a church. There is a phone system connecting the singer’s area, the priest’s area, and the organist up in the choir loft. We are on cordial terms with each other, but the phones are mainly used to coordinate last-minute details about the service, so communication is businesslike. A few minutes before the service is supposed to start, the organist calls me to tell me something about the music. I hang up, and immediately the phone rings again, this time it is the priest calling.)

Me: “Yes?”

Priest: “Hi! Uh… it’s nothing really. I just realized that I’ve never called to that side, and I wanted to see what it was like.”

Me: “…And was it everything you hoped it would be?”

Priest: *happily* “Oh, yes!” *hangs up*

(My coworker and I are doing a child safety promotion in front of a supermarket on Easter weekend. The neighborhood happens to be predominantly Jewish, and 95% of the customers coming in are wearing yarmulkes or headscarves. The vast majority of the men also have the traditional peyot—the curled sideburns.)

Me: *to a customer* “Hi, did you want us to fingerprint your kids? It’s free, and it’s just for you to take home.”

Customer: “No thanks.”

Me: “Okay, have a great day!”

Coworker: “…and have a happy Easter!”

Customer: *gives my coworker a weird look and walks out*

Me: *to my coworker* “I don’t think they celebrate Easter.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

Me: “They’re Jewish.”

Coworker: “How can you tell?”

Me: “Did you see the those hats the men wore? Those are Yarmulke. It’s part of the Jewish religion.”

Coworker: “Okay…”

(The next customer comes out, the scenario repeats, and again, my coworker says “Happy Easter” to someone in a Yarmulke.)

Me: “You know, if you keep doing that, you might offend someone.”

Coworker: “But who doesn’t love Jesus?!”