Me: “Thank you for calling [company] customer service. My name is [name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “This is going to sound incredibly stupid and unreal, but I figured I would ask anyway. I have your [scanner brand] in my hands and the tab in the USB port is mangled beyond belief through no fault of your company. By any chance would ‘Coworker Disasters’ be covered under your warranty?”

Me: “Well, what seems to have happened to it? Maybe there is something I can do for you.”

(The caller sort of chuckles before sighing.)

Caller: “We had just given this new scanner to [coworker] to set up at her desktop. After 20 minutes, I began to hear a weird crunching noise and asked her if there was anything she needed help with. She told me she was just having a lot of trouble with the safety tab. This confused me seeing I have the same scanner and there was no ‘safety tab.’ When I went to check on her, to my horror I saw her with a metal butter knife trying to chip the much needed tab out of the USB port. I stopped her and asked what she thought she was doing.”

(I hear a light slap and what she says next is a bit muffled. I presume she had face-palmed herself at this point.)

Caller: “I couldn’t believe [coworker] sat there completely serious with the butter knife and told me she “didn’t think the tab belonged there,” and since she couldn’t take it out normally, she had gotten the knife to pry it out. So, do you think there is anything you can help me with?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, give me a second and let me see what I can do…”

(At this point I put the poor lady on hold, go to to my supervisor, and ask if there is anything we can do. I get my answer and go back to the call.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am? Well, I talked with my supervisor and normally the highest discount we can give on a scanner is about 25%, but she let me offer you 35%. Also, we can ship the new unit from here and put a bright yellow sticker with the tech support phone number and a caution to call them before opening the box on the outside if you’d like.”

(The caller cracks up laughing on the phone, and then agrees to order a new unit with the discount. We indeed shipped the box with the yellow caution sticker on it. A week later, the customer called in thanking me for the extra service and said she would recommend our product to other companies she knew.)

(Note: I work as IT support for hospitals and private practices.)

Me: “Thanks for calling. How may I help you?”

Nurse: “The doctor’s computer is broken.”

Me:  ”What’s wrong with it?”

Nurse:  ”Documents are no longer printing. Everything worked fine this morning. I think it’s gremlins.”

(I chuckle at the reference and get connected to her computer. It’s a simple fix, so it doesn’t take me long at all.)

Me: “There you go. Good as new.”

Nurse: “It’s working! What did you do?”

Me: “I opened the blinds and flooded the computer with sunlight, hopefully killing off all the gremlins!”

Nurse: *laughs* “Well, okay. Anything I can do to prevent this issue in the future?”

Me: “Don’t feed your computer after midnight?”

(I am the corporate travel coordinator. I am trying to get a hotel prepaid for one of our employees. I have faxed a form over to the hotel about eight times, and have been on the phone with the same person for over 20 minutes.)

Front Desk Agent: “The ink on the authorization form is not coming through; could you re-fax it again?”

Me: “What do you mean the ink is not coming through?”

Front Desk Agent: “It prints half the page, then the ink is gone.”

Me: “I don’t understand how the ink is disappearing.”

Front Desk Agent: “Have you checked the ink levels on your fax machine? Maybe you are out of ink.”

Me: “Do you know how a fax machine works? Nothing is printed on our end!”

(I explain how a fax machine works. I can hear him talking to the other agent, explaining to him how it works.)

Front Desk Agent: “Okay, we’ll change the ink cartridges on our fax machine, then can you send it over again?”

Me: “Yes, I will.”

(I hang up.)

Coworker: “Did you just have to explain how a fax machine works?”

Me: “Yes I did, and in the process lost all faith in humanity.”

Related:
Taxing Faxing, Part 10
Taxing Faxing, Part 9
Taxing Faxing, Part 8
Taxing Faxing, Part 7
Taxing Faxing, Part 6
Taxing Faxing, Part 5
Taxing Faxing, Part 4
Taxing Faxing, Part 3
Taxing Faxing, Part 2
Taxing Faxing

Client: “I am unable to print reports.”

Me: “Well, I’ll login remotely and check your system…”

(I login, open the program, select a random report and proceed to select “Print.”)

Me: “Is the report being printed?”

Client: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Good. Well, there doesn’t seem to be a problem with your system. Anything else I can help you with?”

Client: “Yes, I still can’t print reports.”

Me: “…Do you need me to show you how to print a report?”

Client: “No, I can’t print a report because the screen is black.”

Me: “Hmm. Is there a green light burning on the power button?”

Client: “No.”

Me: “Press the power button, please.”

Client: “Now it works again. Why didn’t you tell me to do that straight away?”

Me: “…”

Related:
A Brain Is A Power-Ful Thing To Waste

(I work at a radio station. As such, I’ve discovered that the average IT certification doesn’t cover some of the specialized software we use in broadcasting. However, company protocol dictates I call tech support whenever a computer problem arises, which leads to frequent exchanges like this.)

Me: “Yeah, [computer program] is acting up. Could you dial in and…”

(I explain how to fix the problem.)

IT: “Hold on there; don’t get ahead of yourself.  I’m the IT professional and I’ll figure out how to fix it.”

Me: “Could you just assign the problem to [senior IT person]?  I usually deal with him and he knows how to fix it.”

IT: “Sir, I’ll have you know I’m well versed in most of the popular office software today.  I’m certain I can fix your problem.”

Me: *gives up* “Okay.”

IT: “Now, what’s the name of the computer program that’s giving you trouble?”

Me: *says name of program*

IT: “Huh. I’ve never heard of that program before. What does it do?”

Me: ”It plays all of our music, commercials, and pretty much everything you hear on the air on a radio station.”

IT: ”Wait. Are you telling me that if I start working with this program, I could knock you off the air?”

Me: “Yup.”

IT: “Um, well, I…”

Me: ”In fact, we’ve been off the air for about 10 minutes now, so it’s a bit of an emergency.”

IT: “Uh, who did you say usually looks after this?”

Me: ”[Senior IT person].”

IT: “Let me get him for you…”