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    Category: Technology

    Don’t Have The Scope For Cinemascope

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Bad Behavior, Ignoring/Inattentive, Movies & TV, Technology

    (Our local art gallery was showing a special viewing of the classic movie musical “Gigi”. My mother, who loves musicals and adores that movie, decided to take 14-year-old me. The art gallery’s theatre wasn’t a typical movie theatre, and the copy of the movie was in Cinemascope, for which the theatre did not have the right screen. As soon as it started, we knew there was a problem: Maurice Chevalier looked like he was about two feet tall. My mother and I left when we realized that the gallery wasn’t going to fix the mistake.)

    Mum: “We’d like a refund, please.”

    Ticket Taker: “Why?”

    Mum: “There’s a problem with the movie. All the actors look two feet tall!”

    Ticket Taker: “Um … I’ll have to call my manager.”

    Manager: “What’s the problem?”

    (Mum explains.)

    Manager: “We can’t give you a refund for that. Are you sure that’s even what you saw?”

    Mum: “Just wait. There will be more people out here in a minute looking for refunds. Better get ready.”

    Manager: *scoffs*

    (Less than five minutes later, the foyer was full of angry, disappointed movie buffs all demanding refunds.)

    This Is My Last Report

    | Lake Forest, IL, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I am talking to our school’s new IT helpline that is handled by people in New York.)

    Me: “Emails from my address are not reaching outside the school. I can receive them but mine are not reaching them. I can send and receive emails from the school just fine.”

    Tech Support: “There is nothing wrong with network or server.”

    Me: “And you know this how?”

    Tech Support: “There have been no reports of trouble.”

    Me: “So the first report doesn’t count?”

    Tech Support: “There have BEEN no reports.”

    Me: “What about mine?”

    Tech Support:  “Huh?”

    Me: “I’m making a report of trouble?”

    Tech Support: “What’s the problem you’re having?”

    Me: “…”

    Troubleshooting Has Bad Aim

    | VA, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I call my Internet provider because my service is off-line. I navigate through an automated menu that has me confirm my service is totally dead and I am unable to get online. I’m put on hold to wait for a technician.)

    Recorded Message: “While you wait, you may review our troubleshooting tips online at www. …”

    Me: *to myself* “WHY did I just spend two minutes confirming my Internet was off-line?”

    Reluctant To Face The Music

    | AB, Canada | Coworkers, Musical Mayhem, Technology

    (I work in a radio station, where one of my jobs is adding new music to our database. When we add new music to the database, we give it an expiry date of 25 years in the future. One day, one of our announcers is watching me do this, and decides he has a problem with it.)

    Announcer: “I can’t believe you’re setting the music to expire in 25 years. You’re going to completely screw over this station in 25 years.”

    Me: “I don’t think so. I highly doubt we’ll be using these same computers in 25 years. When we upgrade computers, we’ll upgrade the database, and everything gets a new expiry date.”

    Announcer: “But what if we don’t upgrade our computers, huh? WHAT IF WE DON’T?”

    Me: “Well, a bunch of other things could happen. In 25 years, this music will probably be considered ‘oldies’ and get purged from our system. Or we could change formats, in which case we won’t be playing any of this music anymore. Worst case scenario, with the way media is changing, we’ll be out of business in 25 years.”

    Announcer: “You think we’ll be out of business in 25 years? Wow, aren’t you pessimistic?!”

    Me: “Actually, I think you’re the pessimistic one. You seem to think you’ll be working this same job in 25 years.”

    Announcer: “I won’t be working this job in 25 years! In 25 years I’ll be running [well-known radio network].”

    Me: “Exactly. So stop worrying about this.”

    Can Only Be Repaired By A True Master

    | Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Coworkers, Language & Words, Technology

    (I’m walking through the corridor of my office, when I see a colleague wrestling with the paper tray on one of the printers.)

    Me: “Having some trouble with the printer?”

    Colleague: “It’s a bit tricky.”

    Me: “Ah, yes. The ancient art of fu-jitsu.”


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