• Can’t Face The Speed
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    Category: Technology

    Can’t Face The Speed

    | London, England, UK | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, New Hires, Technology

    (At our office we have a lot of data to upload and download. To make this a bit faster, workers who don’t have to use the Internet intensively for work purposes have their speed limited, to leave more bandwidth for the ones who don’t. It’s not a big limit, as it’s still possible to watch streaming videos and download files at normal speeds. I’m the IT guy.)

    New Coworker: “Hey, my Internet is slow! Could you take a look at my PC?”

    Me: “That’s normal. Since all your work is done offline you don’t need so much speed, so it’s limited.”

    New Coworker: “But it takes me more than 10 seconds to load the page! That can’t be normal!”

    (I’m sure she’s exaggerating, but I agree to go look at her PC. She sits down and goes to show me by loading a webpage.)

    New Coworker: “See? It shouldn’t take THIS long to load!”

    Me: “Umm, yes, but it’s because you’re watching videos on YouTube. That takes some bandwidth, and slows down your connection which isn’t that fast to begin with.”

    New Coworker: “Yeah, even the videos sometimes glitch. So, what will you do about it?”

    Me: “Well, nothing. You don’t need faster net for working purposes.”

    New Coworker: “But I can’t work without music!”

    Me: “Bring your own on a thumb drive, and listen to that? That’s what I do.”

    New Coworker: “Why should I do that? It’s YOUR responsibility to enable ME to do my job properly.”

    Me: “It’s not connected with your job—”

    (She storms off and returns a minute later with our boss.)

    Boss: “[New Coworker] is telling me you won’t raise her speed limit and she can’t work because of it!”

    Me: “Work? Okay, why don’t we take a look at her browsing history? If it’s for work I’ll raise it right away.”

    (She panics, but boss gives me a green light.)

    Me: “So let’s see: Facebook, Facebook, YouTube, 9gag, 9gag, 9gag, YouTube, Facebook, YouTube, eBay, YouTube, Facebook… ah, here’s website of the guy we order toner from, so that’s work… Facebook, YouTube, YouTube, eBay… Should I keep going?”

    Boss: “You’ve been working hard, [New Coworker]? Maybe I should give you a raise.”

    New Coworker: “But I can’t work without music!”

    Boss: “Bring an mp3 player from now on.”

    New Coworker: “I don’t want to do that!”

    Boss: “You’ll have to because [My Name] will be blocking all of the sites you went to that weren’t related to work. And this is your final warning; if I catch you playing with your phone or something you’ll be jobless.”

    (Guess who got fired the next week for playing games on her phone?)

    Withdrawing Some Karma

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Technology

    (The bank has three ATMs, but one clearly has an ‘Out Of Order’ sign on it. It’s caused a small line, but everyone is understanding. Until one guy arrives; nothing was said during the exchange.)

    Me: *next in line to use the ATM*

    Guy: *runs ahead of me, smirking at me; jumps onto the broken machine while pushing the paper out of the way.*

    Me: *quietly walks over to the next good machine, which is next to his*

    Guy: *pushes buttons, only for the machine to spit his card back out*

    Me: *walks away as he has to get to the back of the now-longer line*

    Should Have Better Monitored The Situation

    | PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I am the office manager and in-house IT department. I schedule a Monday off to go to the doctor. When I return to the office on Tuesday there are 14 notes from one of the partners about his broken computer. I call and inform his assistant I will be down soon and open my e-mail:)

    Partner’s Email: “[My Name], I called your office and left several notes but you didn’t return my calls. I see a note that you left saying you wouldn’t be in but my computer is broken. I called [Repair Company] and they will be in today.”

    (I call back the assistant and ask what the problem is.)

    Assistant: “I have no idea; it just won’t turn on. We called repair.”

    Me: “What happens when you turn it on?”

    Assistant: “Nothing.”

    Me: “Does the monitor come on?”

    Assistant: “No. Wait, Mr. [Partner] wants to talk to you.”

    Partner: “Look, I know you scheduled off weeks ago but this is important. I need this fixed NOW so I called for repair. I need you down here to be here when they arrive.”

    (I hurry down to his office and glance at the computer. The monitor is unplugged.)

    Me: “We should plug in the monitor before they get here. They charge by the hour so I don’t want anything slowing them down.”

    (I turn to see the partner and his assistant looking sheepish as the login screen appears. Just then the repair tech arrives.)

    Tech: “So, what seems to be the problem?”

    Me: “His monitor won’t turn on unless it’s plugged in.”

    Partner: “But I know nothing about computers!”

    Tech: “I hope you know something about accounting because I’m going to have to charge you $150 for this.”

    Telemarketers: The Fear Is Real

    | USA | Employees, Technology

    (One day at work, I get a call from a number I don’t recognize. Here is the following conversation.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Caller: “Hello! My name… is Megan. Are… you… aware that… many people ha…ve been falsely charged… for operations? If yo…ou are between… the… ages of twenty… five and sevent…y, you could… be eligible… for a payback. Are you… between the ages of… twenty-five… and seventy?”

    Me: “Sorry, Megan, not only have I never had an operation, but I don’t talk with robot callers.”

    Caller: *actually managing to sound indignant* “I… can a…ssure you… I am a real…”

    (The call suddenly cut off. Either that was the key to end the call or the scammer got scared.)

    Maybe It Was ‘Devil May Cry’

    | OH, USA | Bosses & Owners, Language & Words, Technology

    (I’m walking through the back room when i hear two managers talking to each other. I hear ‘screams like a banshee’ and suddenly look at them.)

    Me: “Uhm… can I get some context on that?”

    Manager #1: “Okay, so I was going through the game repair slips and saw one for [Game]. [Employee] wrote it, but had a quote from [Manager #3]. He said that the game screamed like a banshee when it turned on.”

    Me: “Wait, really?!”

    (I look at the repair form. It had the statement in quotes.)

    Me: “So… do we call a mechanic or a priest?”

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