(My husband and I are grabbing a quick lunch at a local cafe. I unwrap my sandwich and find a bunch of long, black hairs sticking out. I go and see about getting a new sandwich made.)

Cashier: “Welcome to [cafe name]. What can I get you?”

Me: “Actually, I just ordered a sandwich less than five minutes ago and I found a bunch of hairs in my sandwich.”

(I show the cashier the sandwich, hair and all.)

Cashier: “Ma’am, it’s only your hair. The sandwich is still good; just take them off and you’ll be fine.”

Me: “Um… no. First off, the hair on the sandwich is not mine. If you look, you’ll see that my hair is neither long or black. Secondly, I am not fine with it. I find it rather nasty that someone else’s hair is on my food, so I would appreciate it if you would remake it. If that is going to be too much trouble, then I just want a refund for the sandwich.”

Cashier: “Lady, chill out. It’s only hair. You’re acting as if it is contaminated or something. I promise you that we’re all clean here, so there aren’t any germs on your sandwich.”

(At this point, I’m seriously pissed off and about to demand a manager when one comes up and taps the cashier on the shoulder.)

Manager: *to cashier* “Seriously?! My office, right now. Not at the end of your shift, not in ten minutes… now. Get up there and wait for me.” *to me* “Ma’am, I am so sorry about that. Of course we’ll remake that for you. What did you have again?”

(The manager personally remade my food and I walked away with a free, freshly-baked cookie as well.)

Related:
Hair Abhorrent (Not Always Right)

(My coworker is filling balloons with helium to decorate our furniture store.)

Coworker #1: “Did you know that if you fill one of those balloons with twice as much helium, it’ll be twice as weightless?”

Coworker #2: “Really?”

Coworker #1: “Yep!”

Me: “Um, you know that helium isn’t truly weightless, don’t you? It may become more buoyant, but it isn’t ever weightless.”

Coworker #1: “That’s not true. Helium is weightless. How else would it make the balloon float? So it stands to reason that twice as much would be twice as weightless!”

Me: “No, weightless means zero weight. By your logic, twice zero is zero, but helium isn’t weightless. It’s simply that helium is lighter than the gases comprising air. Take the example of a bubble rising to the surface of water because the water is heavier than air.”

Coworker #1: “But air doesn’t have weight either! Can you feel it?” ”

(To demonstrates his point, he fans the air in front of himself.)

Coworker #1: *triumphantly* “NO!”

Me: *facepalm*

(My friend and I are customers at a new cafe; we overhear this conversation.)

Manager: “[Employee's name], we need to have a talk.”

Employee: “Yeah, what’s up?”

Manager: “I overheard you make a homosexual slur towards a customer not long ago. I also have a write up from the assistant manager that you called her a ‘f**’ because she mentioned her girlfriend.”

Employee: “Yeah, just letting those f*****s know I don’t agree with their s***.”

Manager: “Well, I don’t agree with your ‘s***’. In fact, I have no tolerance for it. Congratulations: you are the first employee I’ve ever fired within their first week of work. Go home.”

Employee: *storms out*

Related:
Don’t Get This Owner Fired Up

(I am having stomach pain, and go to the ER. I am over 40. A very young, male doctor comes in. The bed is only screened by curtains from other people.)

Doctor: “So, you’re having stomach pain?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

Doctor: “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

Me: “Certain. I’m not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Not everyone knows they’re pregnant. The symptoms are…” *reels off list*

Me: “I’m not pregnant. I’ve had two children, and know how my body reacts. Really: not pregnant.”

Doctor: “Every pregnancy is different.”

(Note: by now, everyone in the ER is listening.)

Me: “I am separated. I haven’t had sex in two years. Even a blue whale would have given birth by now. Not. Pregnant.”

Related:
Immaculate Misconception, Part 3
Immaculate Misconception, Part 2
Immaculate Misconception