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    Sample Not So Simple

    | Colchester, VT, USA | Crazy Requests, Employees, Food & Drink

    (An employee with samples approaches me.)

    Employee: “Miss, would you like to try some [juice brand]?”

    Me: *smiling* “No, thank you.”

    Employee: “Why not?”

    Me: “Well, I brushed my teeth five minutes ago; I don’t think juice would taste very good.”

    Employee: *angrily* “Well, you do plan on drinking again at some point today don’t you?”

    Me: “Yeah…”

    (I start walking away, but the employee starts shouting up the aisle at me.)

    Employee: “That’s fine; I respect the customer’s choice!”

    Could Have Gotten A Real Tongue-Lashing

    | Blacksburg, VA, USA | Language & Words

    (I work the front desk of a retirement home for a few weeks while they wait for their new hire to arrive. My main duty is to greet the elderly residents, answer questions, and answer the phone. It is Monday morning, and I take a call.)

    Me: “Thank you and go-morling; I mean, thank you and good morning for calling [Retirement Village], rel… rem… recreational and visitation… I mean…”

    (I make several noises like ‘ha blah bleh’ as I trip over my tongue a few times, before pausing to take a breath.)

    Me: “I am so sorry; let me try that again. Good morning, and thank you for calling [Retirement Village], recreation and visitor center; this is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    (The caller has been laughing loudly on the other end of the phone since my first few mistakes, and takes a few deep breathes to try and calm down enough to respond.)

    Caller: “Oh my God, that is the funniest thing I have ever heard! You got a bad case of the Mondays this morning, didn’t you?”

    Me: “I am so sorry about that, I am usually much better than that! I really do have a case of the Mondays today! My tongue seems to be having a mind of its own, and tripping over itself!”

    Caller: “Oh it is quiet alright; I really needed that laugh! Be glad that it was an internal call, and not someone who was a prospective customer!”

    Not Following Procedure For The Procedure

    | Binghamton, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (I receive a phone call randomly one Saturday morning.)

    Caller: “Hello, I’m looking for [My Name]?”

    Me: “Yes, who’s this?”

    Caller: “I’m calling from [Local Hospital] regarding your procedure on Thursday.”

    (I’m shocked to hear this, and it takes me a moment to process what she is saying.)

    Me: “I’m sorry… what? My procedure? WHAT procedure?”

    Caller: “Your procedure on Thursday with Dr. [Name].”

    Me: “Doctor who? I’ve never heard of this doctor! What do you mean, I have a procedure on Thursday? I haven’t even been to any doctor at all in a year!”

    Caller: “Oh… you… don’t know this doctor?”

    Me: “No! I don’t know this doctor. And I am not having surgery! I have no idea why you’re calling me. You must have made a mistake.”

    Caller: “I’m so sorry. I’ll get this straightened out. I’m so sorry for bothering you.”

    (I hang up the phone a bit disturbed by the mix-up, but I try to laugh it off with my husband. Two days later, I get another phone call.)

    Caller: “Hello, I’m calling from the hospital for your surgery on Thursday?”

    Me: “Okay, no. I already got this phone call two days ago. You guys are wrong. I am not having surgery on Thursday. I have never heard of this doctor, and I have no idea why you think I’m having surgery. The other lady told me she was going to fix this. Can you PLEASE ensure me that you’ll fix this?”

    Caller: “Oh, well, I apologize for the trouble, but I’m sorry, I can’t ensure you that we’ll get this resolved. But I’ll see what I can do.”

    (I hang up, but now I’m worried. Sure enough, two days later, I receive yet another phone call.)

    Caller: “Hello, I’m calling from the hospital for your surgery on Thursday?”

    Me: “Alright, this is ridiculous. I don’t mean to be rude, but this is not brain surgery. For the last time, I. AM. NOT. HAVING. SURGERY. TOMORROW. I do not understand why you keep calling me about a procedure I know nothing about, with a doctor I’ve never heard of. And I keep asking you guys to fix it and you don’t. Can you even tell me what kind of surgery I’m supposedly having?”

    Caller: “I’m sorry; I don’t know that.”

    Me: “What kind of doctor is Dr. [Name]?”

    Caller: “I don’t know that either.”

    Me: “Do you at least have the doctor’s phone number?”

    (I get the phone number to the office of the doctor and, of course, they have never heard of me. After much back and forth between departments, they finally find out that the hospital had miswritten the medical record number of the patient who was actually scheduled for the surgery, and the miswritten number brought up my record instead.)

    Receptionist: “Okay, so everything is all fixed now; the hospital has the right patient for surgery tomorrow, not you, so everything’s all taken care of.”

    Me: “And what happens if they call me again?”

    Receptionist: “They won’t. We’ve fixed it.”

    Me: “Are you absolutely sure?”

    Receptionist: “Yes. We’ve fixed it. They won’t call you anymore.”

    Me: “Alright, fine. Thank you for your help.”

    (I hang up and call my husband to let him know this mess has been sorted out. Just minutes into the conversation, I get another incoming call.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Caller: “Yes, hello, I’m calling from the hospital to remind you of your surgery tomorrow?”

    (The kicker? The doctor I was supposedly getting operated on turned out to be a brain surgeon.)

    Not A Klan-destine Name

    | MI, USA | Bigotry, Bizarre/Silly, Bosses & Owners, Job Seekers, Theme Of The Month

    (While I’m working, two supervisors walk into my office and close the door. I assume this cannot be a good thing, until they both burst out laughing.)

    Supervisor #1: “You would not believe the interview we just had! We were interviewing for the open maintenance position, and it was already going badly; the guy was wearing enough cologne that I needed to turn on a fan and ventilate the room. So we get to the end of our questions, and I ask if he has any questions for us. So he asks if we ‘have a problem with diversity’ here.”

    Supervisor #2: “We were confused; we thought maybe he just wanted to know if there was diversity among the staff, and phrased it awkwardly.”

    Supervisor #1: “So I explained that the maintenance department is very diverse: Native Americans, Latinos, Whites, African-Americans, recent immigrants from Eastern Europe…”

    Supervisor #2: “And he buts in and says, ‘But do you have trouble with the blacks and whites working together? Don’t they have conflicts?’”

    Supervisor #1: “And we have no idea what to say. So as we’re thanking him for his time, I look at his resume again, and notice that his name is K**** K. K*****. It’s either the worst coincidence in history, or he changed his name so his initials would be KKK!”

    (Somehow, I don’t think he’s going to get the job.)

    Trying To Put The Subject To Bed

    | Buford, GA, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (I’m registering for gifts for my wedding with a friend of mine. After a while, my friend asks if we can take a break so she can look at mattresses for her new apartment. I’m standing outside the mattress area with the registry gun, waiting for her to finish. An employee walks up to me.)

    Employee: “You can’t put mattresses on your registry.”

    Me: “I know. I’m just waiting for my friend.”

    Employee: “Okay, but you can’t register for mattresses.”

    Me: “I’m not. I’m waiting for my friend who is looking at them.”

    Employee: “They don’t let you put mattresses on wedding registries.”

    Me: “I KNOW. Do I need to not stand in this area with the gun? I’m not scanning anything. I’m waiting for my friend.”

    (I gesture to my friend, who is trying out mattresses.)

    Employee: “It’s just that you can’t register for a mattress.”

    Me: “LISTEN, I know that I CAN’T register for a MATTRESS. I am NOT REGISTERING FOR A MATTRESS. I am waiting for my FRIEND. Whatever, I’m going over here now…”

    Employee: *calling after me* “Just don’t try to register for a mattress! It won’t let you!”

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