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    Avoiding A Scan(dal)

    | WI, USA | Health & Body

    (I am at the hospital for a scheduled CT scan. While my surgeon has faxed an order for the scan, the hospital will not do one without bloodwork. An order for that has not come through.)

    Tech: “You’ll have to reschedule. We cannot contact your doctor for the bloodwork order.”

    Me: “I got up early, drank two bottles of white slime before I came for my appointment. We are not rescheduling.”

    (They get another doctor to sign a bloodwork order. I finally get down to the CT lab. The nurse comes at me with a needle.)

    Me: “Wait. No. Oh, h*** no!”

    Nurse: “Don’t like needles? I assure you; we’re very good at what we do.”

    Me: “I am quite sure you are. But I’ve been there, done that. If you inject that dye, my kidneys will shut down. Then you will slap my butt in the hospital, and feed me Lasix like they are jellybeans. Then you will pump me full of saline to flush that dye out of my kidneys, and I will pee like a race horse for 24 hours. Not gonna happen today.”

    Nurse: “Oh. OH!”

    (There is more whispering and consulting.)

    Nurse: “The doctor says we can do the scan without the dye.”

    Me: “Thank you. I knew you would see it my way.”

    Give Them Food-Stamp For Thought

    | MO, USA | Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Money, Top

    (My friend is in the ICU. I am babysitting her kids, and also have my own. It is Halloween, and I decide to take them trick or treating to cheer them up. In total I have nine children with me. We are in a group of stores that are in a mall that are having a Halloween party for kids to trick or treat at. Just as I pass by, an employee starts speaking loudly to me.)

    Employee: “Think you got enough kids there, mom?”

    Me: “What!”

    Employee: “Ain’t welfare grand? The more you have the more food stamps you get. F****** welfare mama!”

    My Son: “What’s food stamps? Why would anyone mail food?”

    Friend’s Ten-Year-Old Son: *yelling* “She’s not my mom. My mom’s in the hospital in ICU, in a coma! And food stamps are the only way dad can feed us. My mom and dad have good jobs, and work hard, and I’m not gonna let some nosy bully like you talk like that to us!”

    (The employee is white in the face and stuttering, when the manager walks up behind her.)

    Manager: “Please clean out your things and leave.”

    (The employee apologizes with tears streaming down her face.)

    Friend’s Ten-Year-Old Son: “Please don’t fire her. Then her kids will cry when they need food stamps!”

    Manager: *turns to the employee* “I guess we’re both having bad days.”

    (The manager gives all the kids extra treat bags, and apologizes. He also agrees to only give his employee a warning. My friend does eventually recover, but is in a coma for three months. Ironically, she works as a case worker for the state in the food stamp division.)

    A Parrot On The Other Line

    | York, England, UK | Bizarre/Silly, Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Top

    (It is shortly after my uncle has passed away. I’m at his house helping his girlfriend sort out the documents related to all his bills, when the phone rings. As my uncle’s girlfriend had gone to get us lunch, I answer it.)

    Me: “Hello.”

    Telemarketer: “Hello there, my name is [name] from [electric company]. I would like to speak to Mr.[uncle's name] about changing his electricity supplier.”

    Me: “I’m afraid he passed away a few weeks ago, and is no longer with us.”

    Telemarketer: “I see. So when do you think he will be available?”

    Me: “He won’t. I said He’s no longer with us.”

    Telemarketer: “So you said. I was asking when he would be back. It’s urgent I speak with him regarding his electricity bill, as we believe we could save him up to £50 per year on his bill.”

    Me: “You’re not getting it. He’s passed on! My uncle is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life! He rests in peace! Am I getting through to you?”

    Telemarketer: *hangs up*

    (I told my uncle’s girlfriend this when she returned. When she realized I had quoted Monty Python, it was the first time I had seen her smile since my uncle died.)

    Doesn’t Quite Add Up

    | Cache Creek, CA, USA | Math & Science, Pets & Animals

    (I am a volunteer at an endurance ride (50-mile horse race). Every 12.5 miles, the horses must pass a vet check, including having their pulse and respiration down to a certain number. Once they are down, they must wait a certain amount of time before they leave and continue the race. I am a female in my 20′s, as are all the other volunteers checking pulse and respiration.)

    Me: “Okay, your horse is well below 60. You can leave here at 8:53.”

    (I hand a slip of paper with times written to rider.)

    Rider: “Great, thanks!”

    Volunteer #1: “How did you do that so fast?”

    Me: “Well, I was watching the second hand on my watch, and the horse’s heartbeat was much slower than the ticks, so I didn’t really need to count the actual beats.”

    Volunteer #1: “No! How did you figure out the time so quick?”

    Me: “Um, it was 8:38 when I checked her. Hold time is 15 minutes.”

    Volunteer #1: “But that’s HARD! How did you figure it out so fast!?”

    Me: “I’m good at math. I only had to add 15 minutes.”

    Volunteer #1: “Yeah, but that’s difficult! What is your trick for doing it so fast?”

    Me: “Um… I add 15.”

    Volunteer #1: “You must have a trick for doing it!”

    Me: “No, not really.”

    (Volunteer #2 has finished checking a horse.)

    Volunteer #2: “Hey, it’s 8:41. What’s the out time?”

    Me: “8:56.”

    Volunteer #2: “Thanks! I’ve been just writing down the first time and sending them on to the guys to get the out time. They’re good at math since they are guys! What is your trick?”

    Volunteer #1: “Wow, you did that so fast! Seriously, what is your trick?”

    Me: “Really? All you have to do is add 15 minutes to the time.”

    Volunteer #1 and #2: “But that’s HARD! What’s your secret?”

    Me: “I studied hard in school. I actually got the highest grade in my AP Calculus and Physics classes in high school.”

    Volunteer #1: “But you’re a GIRL!”

    Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

    Volunteer #2: “We should just let the boys do all the math.”

    Me: “No. We are supposed to do it. They are just supposed to check that the riders aren’t leaving early, and we are supposed to have both numbers written down. It’s not that difficult.”

    Volunteer #1 and #2: “Whatever.”

    (After that conversation, every single time that the volunteers check a horse, they ask me for the out time. They are shocked by my math skills; I am shocked by the absolute failure of our education system. Both of them are working on Master’s degrees!)

    Dyeing To Ask Something

    | Australia | Health & Body, Top

    (I have had a severe allergic reaction to something, and have been admitted to ECU with a hugely swollen face. I also have bright blue and purple hair.)

    Nurse #1: “Hi there, just coming to check on you today; how are you feeling?”

    (As soon as she leaves, another nurse comes in.)

    Nurse #2: “Hi, I’ve just popped in to check you’re okay.”

    (She leaves, and not two minutes later, another one pulls the curtain back.)

    Nurse #3: “Hello, I’m just checking to see if you’re okay?”

    (By this stage, I’m getting a little worried about how often I’m been checked on. Yet ANOTHER nurse walks in.)

    Nurse #4: “Hi, I’m just—”

    (My doctor walks in with my chart and sighs.)

    Doctor: “Oh, for God’s sake, will one of you just ask where she gets her hair done? She needs rest!”

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