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    Being A Push Over Gets You Pushed For Time

    | Italy | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Crazy Requests, Overtime

    (We’re doing an inspection on a part of the plant, checking for leaks. My coworker is young and freshly hired; the customers, especially the aggressive ones, still get the better of him.)

    Coworker: “Let’s just hope [Notoriously Pushy Customer’s Manager] doesn’t ask us to anticipate the report. We’re on a tight schedule as it is.”

    Me: “Well if he does, you just tell him ‘no can do.’ He’s not in a position to give us orders, and what’s the use in rushing us, anyway?”

    (Right on cue, my coworker’s phone rings.)

    Coworker: *at the phone* “Hello? Oh, good day, Mr. [Customer’s Manager]… You want us to finish by tomorrow… at noon? Why, yes… Of course… We’ll have the report done by then…No problem at all, really. You’re welcome… Have a nice day… Yeah… You, too.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Coworker: “[My Name], we’re so screwed.”

    Actually Made Fifty Shades Less

    | Mt Pleasant, MI, USA | Bad Behavior, Bosses & Owners, Extra Stupid, Rude & Risque

    (I am restocking the shelves when my manager comes round.)

    Manager: “Hey, we need room for a hundred new copies of that new Fifty Shades book coming out. Do you think we could get more room on these shelves?”

    (The particular shelves are very near the children’s section.)

    Me: “Really? Because it might be unsuitable for this part of the store.”

    Manager: “Listen, we’re putting them on the tables near the counters, and this is the counter most people go to.”

    Me: “Yes, because it’s near the very large children’s area. Parents won’t like it if there’s smut near the kids’ section.”

    Manager: “Just do it! There’s no more room!”

    (I do so. A few weeks later…)

    Manager: “Well done, [My Name]. The Fifty Shades series has been selling really well! We’ve sold almost every copy!”

    Me: “You do realize we’ve actually made less than usual in the children’s section because the next shelves, within a child’s view, might I add – are filled with porn?”

    Manager: “No. Just be glad we made a profit!”

    Me: “We didn’t. We often sell between 40 and 50 children’s books a month. We only sold 9 this month. Unless we put the Fifty Shades in a different place no parent will come here with their children.

    Manager: “We made a profit! We sold so many Fifty Shades books!”

    Me: *annoyed* “That’s because most bookstores don’t advertise them in full view! They put them in the back parts of the bookstores, so that’s why we’ve sold more than other local bookstores!”

    Manager: *not getting it* “Exactly! That’s why we’ve made a profit!”

    (A few parents complained and the manager was replaced. The adult novels are now near the back.)

    Will Have Your Hide For That

    USA | Bizarre/Silly, Bosses & Owners, Coworkers

    (My lead and I have just gone on our 15-minute breaks at the same time. I go get some ice cream while he goes to the back room. When I get there, I don’t see him, but I think nothing of it and sit down.)

    Lead: “[My Name]!”

    (I look over and he is sitting on the floor, hiding behind some boxes.)

    Me: “Why are you back there?”

    Lead: “I’m hiding. Don’t tell anyone I’m back here.”

    (About five minutes later, one of my coworkers walks in.)

    Coworker: “Where’s [Lead]?”

    Me: *without missing a beat* “On the floor, behind the boxes.”

    Lead: “D*** it, [My Name]!”

    (Turned out the reason he was hiding was because the two cashiers on duty, the only ones in the shop, were quite needy and didn’t have the greatest knowledge of the system. Being that he was the only lead working that day, he was obligated to help them, even on his breaks.)

    Lucky To Get Out Alive


    funny-office-quotes

    I Work In Death And Taxes

    | MI, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I handle the billing for a retirement home. To keep the billing database up to date, I rely on the daily census sheet issued by our admissions department. Until recently, the census sheet was updated by a sharp, detail-oriented coworker, but the responsibility recently passed to a coworker who is great with people, but a mess with computers and data. I receive the daily census one morning, and notice that a resident who has passed away the day before isn’t listed.)

    Me: “[Coworker], I heard that [Deceased Resident] passed away yesterday, Is that correct?”

    Coworker: “Yes. It’s so sad. I’ll really miss him.”

    Me: “I don’t see him listed on the census you just sent me, though. Shouldn’t he be listed as a discharge?”

    Coworker: “Oh, I just couldn’t stand to put him on there; it makes it seem really permanent.”

    Me: “Death has an unfortunate tendency to be permanent, [Coworker].”


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