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  • Establishing Order Over Tall Orders
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  • Football Affects The Footfall

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Employees, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I recently got a DUI, so I have to go into a facility to do a breathalyzer every day. This was the day of the Seahawks-Saints football game. The guy that does the testing sees me approaching.)

    Tester: “Read the sign, [My Name].”

    (There is a sign tacked to the desk.)

    Sign: “Anyone supporting the Saints tonight may find another facility to test at. Thank you.”

    (I just gaped. Another guy came in behind me in a Seahawks jersey, read the sign, and left.)

    An Apt Aptitude

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Coworkers, Technology

    (My coworker pulls a product for a customer. One item falls and I catch it.)

    Me: “AH HA! I have the reflexes of a cat!”

    Coworker: “What fell off the shelf?”

    (I looked down and saw that I’d caught a mouse.)

    The Meat Of The Problem

    , | OH, USA | Employees, Food & Drink, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (Though not a vegetarian, I love a good egg and cheese breakfast sandwich. I am in the drive-thru.)

    Me: “Hi! I’d like a [combo], with no meat, and a coffee to drink.”

    Cashier: “So you want [sandwich] with sausage instead?”

    Me: “No. No meat. Just egg and cheese, please!”

    Cashier: “It comes with ham.”

    Me: “No, thanks! I just want egg and cheese.”

    Cashier: “The sandwich comes with ham. If you want it without meat, you have to order it without meat.”

    Me: *thinking that’s what I had just done* “Then I would like it in the combo with no meat, please.”

    Cashier: “With coffee to drink?”

    Me: “Yes, please!”

    (The rest of the transaction goes just fine. I got home and found that my breakfast sandwich with no meat was a fish sandwich with an egg patty on it.)

    A Debtor Way To Deal With Them

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Employees, Top

    (For months I received calls from a bill collector while at work, asking for a man who has never worked at the office. My company filed several complaints with the FCC but the calls still kept coming. I got permission from my boss to mess with the caller the next time they rang in. We had caller ID at the time, so I knew it was the bill collector before picking up the phone.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ‘Glitzy Coffins,’ where we stylize your loved ones straight to the grave.”

    Collector: “Um… Is [Name] there?”

    Me: “Let me check with the back and see if he has been sent to embalming. One moment, please.”

    Collector: *click*

    (10 minutes later, the phone rings again from the same number.)

    Me: “Doctor Z’s purification clinic, zapping away herpes since 1992. How can I help you?”

    Collector: “Is [Name] available?”

    Me: “Do you have an appointment?”

    Collector: “No. I need to speak with him regarding an urgent matter.”

    Me: “I can’t help if you don’t have an appointment. Now what genital disease is causing your trouble? Our physicians are not only qualified, they are ordained by the lord to save your soul from your sinful ways.”

    Collector: *hangs up*

    (Another 10 minutes later.)

    Me: “Quack.”

    Collector: “Is [Name] available?”

    Me: “Quack.”

    Collector: “I need to speak with him regarding an urgent matter.”

    Me: “Quack.”

    Collector: “Is he available or not?”

    Me: “Quack.”

    Collector: “Don’t be a b****. Is he there? I must speak with him.”

    Me: “Quack.”

    Collector: “Look! Give me [Name] now or you’ll be in trouble!”

    Me: “Quack.”

    Collector: *throws out a string of profanities for a few minutes, threatening to sue me if I don’t put the man he’s contacting on the phone* “So, what do you have to say?”

    Me: “…Quack.”

    Collector: *click*

    (At this point, I’ve coerced a few coworkers to join in on the fun since the calls were still coming in. Five minutes later…)

    Coworker #1: “Dude.” *snickers* “I’m so high right now!”

    Collector: *click*

    (10 minutes later…)

    Me: “D*** it Regina! Get yo a** back on the street. Pimp needs his mother-f****** money!”

    Coworker #1: “I’m sorry, daddy!”

    Me: “D*** right, b****!” *to phone* “Yeah?”

    Collector: *click*

    (10 minutes later…)

    Coworker #2: “Hey. This is Darnell and you’re calling Bros for Hoes. What chocolatey confection can I serve you up with today?”

    Collector: “F***!” *slams the phone down*

    (They stopped calling after that.)

    Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

    | Kusadasi, Turkey | Employees, Liars/Scammers, Rude & Risque, Tourists & Travel

    (I have just stepped off a cruise ship and am heading into the main street when I pass a market stall with lots of shoes. I swipe a fleeting glance at them.)

    Owner: “Ah, pretty lady looking at the pretty shoes!”

    Me: “I’m just looking.”

    (I carry on walking past when he grabs my arm. He sees the disdainful look I give him and he lets go.)

    Owner: “These shoes are beautiful! They will look beautiful on your beautiful feet!”

    (He creeps me out, but I need another pair of shoes and, in his defense, they weren’t terrible.)

    Owner: “You are English? No?”

    Me: “Yes. I am English.”

    Owner: “Beautiful English rose! For I do you special deal. Okay?”

    Me: “Okay. How much?”

    Owner: “You are so beautiful. Only the best leather for you!”

    (He peels back the thinnest leather I have ever seen. The stitching on the shoe isn’t even straight. It’s drastically warped and very noticeable. I decide to hear him out all the same, but I am getting annoyed.”

    Me: “So, how much?”

    Owner: “For you pretty lady, today is your lucky day! They are half price! I do you special deal. Just for you I will take more off! $150!”

    Me: “I don’t think so! Why are you charging so much?”

    (The owner looks insulted and then laughs at me snidely.)

    Owner: “You have no style! These are Gucci!”

    (The owner defiantly points to the Gucci label on the sole.)

    Me: “If they are real Gucci, why is Gucci spelt wrong?”

    (The owner throws the shoe to the floor in anger and tells me in very colourful language to go away and that I am an ugly English girl!)


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