(I overhear this exchange between a new coworker of mine and a customer.)

New Coworker: “Okay, so I need to see your license for that beer.”

Customer: “Well, my license got revoked, but I have a passport here.” *presents her passport*

New Coworker: “No, I don’t think that will work. It has to be a state-issued ID.”

Me: “…[Coworker], for the love of all that is holy: ‘state issued’ means issued by the GOVERNMENT, not the actual state of Colorado.”

New Coworker: “No, I don’t think that’s what it means.”

Me: “I assure you that one of the many definitions of ‘state’ is ‘government.’ A passport is definitely issued by the government.”

New Coworker: “Are you sure? That doesn’t sound right.”

Me: “Yeah, I have a passport. They’re issued by the federal government.”

New Coworker: “But not the state.”

Me: “The government IS the state!”

New Coworker: “I don’t see how the government could be Colorado.”

Me: *facepalm*

(I’m a female in my twenties. After having my car break down for the fourth time in the first year of owning it, I’m shopping for a replacement. I’ve done a great deal of research, and have narrowed it down to a few models. This is what happens at the first dealership I go to.)

Me: “Um, hello?”

Sales Guy: “Yeah?”

Me: “I’d like to look at that 626 you have in your lot.”

Sales Guy: “So go look at it.”

Me: “Okay, when I say look at it, I mean I’d like to test drive it.”

Sales Guy: *laughs* “I think that would be a waste of time.”

Me: “I beg your pardon? Why is that?”

Sales Guy: “Well, because you clearly aren’t going to buy a car.”

Me: “…Well, not from you, not from here, not anymore. Guess this explains why I’m the only customer in here. Bye.”

(Now this is what happens at the second dealership I go to.)

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “Hi there! What can we find for you today?”

Me: “I’m looking for a used Legacy or Impreza. Do you have either of those models?”

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “Oh! Hey, sorry, I don’t think we do… not used. Let me show you this new [completely different make and model], though!”

Me: “Ah, no, I’m sorry. I want a used car that’s affordable and has a proven consumer report record. I did a lot of homework on this, and I’m looking for a select few models. I have a list here.”

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “Okay! Well, let’s go look around the used lot and see if anything there strikes your fancy.”

(We look through the lot, but none of the cars I want are on it. I let him know that I don’t want to waste his time if there’s nothing from my list available.)

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “Well, are you sure? This car is very pretty.”

Me: “No, thanks. My last car was pretty. Didn’t keep it from being a lemon.”

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “Well, hey, so what would it take to get you into a car today?”

Me: “Having a car I wanted to buy would be a good start.”

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “But this car is so pretty!”

Me: “No. I’m not looking for pretty.”

Enthusiastic Sales Guy: “You should be!”

Me: “I’m leaving now.”

(It took two weeks, but I finally found a dealership that had what I wanted and didn’t talk down to me. My car has lasted me eight years with very few problems.)

(My boyfriend and I are regulars at this restaurant, and as such, our orders are fairly well known.)

Me: “I want a Number 1, with cheese, only ketchup and mayo, medium, with a pineapple smoothie.”

Cashier: “Okay, that’s a Number 1, with cheese, only ketchup and mayo, medium, with a pineapple smoothie. I should have this memorized by now!”

Me: “If we keep coming in here every weekend, you will!”

(While my boyfriend places his order, I go sit down and wait for our food.)

Cashier: *to the grillworker* “This sandwich is supposed to be only ketchup and mayo.”

Grillworker: “Okay, gotcha.”

(A few minutes later, I hear the cashier talking to the grillworker again.)

Cashier: “This isn’t what I asked for. Only ketchup, only mayo, cheese. This is that sandwich, without lettuce.”

Grillworker: “Right, that sandwich, without lettuce.”

Cashier: “No. Only ketchup, only mayo, with cheese.”

Grillworker: “Okay, I’ll fix it.”

(This goes on for awhile. Eventually, our order comes up, and my sandwich is correctly labeled. What did I find when I opened it? No lettuce, no mayo, ketchup, mustard, and pickles. I show it to the cashier.)

Cashier: “Why is it that they stick me with the idiots on Sundays?”

Me: “Your employer does that to you, too?”

(I’m at the movie theater with my parents. Before the previews start, an employee comes to the front of the theater to make a customary speech.)

Employee: “…and please turn off all cell phones and vibrators.”

(There’s a pause before a few chuckles from the audience break out.)

Employee: *laughs* “I know what I said! Enjoy your movie!”

Me: *to my parents* “I didn’t realize this was that kind of theater!”

(Note: I work as IT support for hospitals and private practices.)

Me: “Thanks for calling. How may I help you?”

Nurse: “The doctor’s computer is broken.”

Me:  ”What’s wrong with it?”

Nurse:  ”Documents are no longer printing. Everything worked fine this morning. I think it’s gremlins.”

(I chuckle at the reference and get connected to her computer. It’s a simple fix, so it doesn’t take me long at all.)

Me: “There you go. Good as new.”

Nurse: “It’s working! What did you do?”

Me: “I opened the blinds and flooded the computer with sunlight, hopefully killing off all the gremlins!”

Nurse: *laughs* “Well, okay. Anything I can do to prevent this issue in the future?”

Me: “Don’t feed your computer after midnight?”