• I’ve Got A Ticket To Deride
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    Truly Modem Workers

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in a call center that deals with doctor offices that are often techno-phobic. Today, I have one with an Internet outage. It’s usually a simple fix if they will take five minutes.)

    Me: “Do you see the modem? It will have a lot of flashing lights on it, and may say [Brand Name].”

    Nurse: “I don’t have time for this. Get out here and fix it!”

    Me: “Okay, but I’m in another state that’s at least a 12 hour drive from you. I can put in a service call, but that will take 2-3 days to be dispatched, or if you can take five minutes, I think we can get you back up.

    Nurse: “Hmph…”

    Me: “Which would you like?”

    Nurse: “What am I looking for?”

    (Five minutes later, she was back up and happy as a clam that SHE fixed it.)

    Witless About Wheat-less

    | Brattleboro, VT, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (A friend and I are checking out a pizza place we haven’t been before. The cashier sees us looking at the menu and comes over.)

    Friend: “We’re just looking. She—” *indicating me* “—can’t eat any wheat so we’re not expecting anything.”

    Cashier: “Well, we have vegetarian options.”

    Friend: “No, no. WHEAT, not meat.”

    Cashier: “Oh! Then you should be fine then. We don’t have any of that!”

    (My friend and I stare at each other a moment, a bit flabbergasted.)

    Me: “Like wheat flour…”

    Cashier: *looks a bit clueless before turning to peer back at the kitchen and calling to the cook* “What kind of flour do we use? Does it have wheat in it?”

    Cook: *stares at her in disbelief a moment before turning to me* “It’s regular white flour.”

    Cashier: *all smiles as she turns back to me* “Then you should be fine!”

    Me: “…Thank you.”

    (My friend and I turn and start to leave.)

    Friend: “…Did that really just happen? How do you get to be an adult and not know what flour is made of?!”

    You Bread My Mind

    | Franklin, TN, USA | Coworkers, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (My boss is known for inserting innuendos into conversations and remaining completely deadpan. My coworkers and I in customer service are used to this and find it hilarious. My brother, who works in the bakery of my store, has never met my boss. After her shift one day, my boss goes to the bakery to get a baguette. My coworker sometimes works in the bakery, but is usually in the customer service department and so is familiar with our boss’s banter.)

    Boss: “Do you have any baguettes?”

    (My brother looks in the bins and doesn’t see any.)

    Brother: “Nope. Hey, [Coworker], do we have any baguettes?”

    Coworker: “I have a long hot one in the back.”

    Boss: “Do I have to be in a certain position to get it?”

    Separate Employees For Separate Tickets

    , | TX, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (We don’t really get a lunch break at my job. We usually call an order in somewhere so one of us can pick the order up. Since I usually don’t mind going after our meals, it’s usually me who calls the order in and goes after it. This time, we choose a fast food chain that’s popularly known in Texas. We’ve never done orders with them over the phone before, so it’s my first time to call in.)

    Employee #1: “[Burger Chain], what’s your order?”

    Me: “Hi, yeah, I have multiple orders. I need them on separate tickets. Is that possible?”

    Employee #1: “Huh? …Uh, hold on.” *mumbling on other end*

    Employee #2: “What’s your order?”

    Me: “I have three separate orders. Is it possible to do multiple transactions on separate tickets?”

    Employee #2: *pauses* “Uh, let me see. Hold on.”

    Employee #3: “[Burger Chain].”

    Me: *getting exasperated* “Is it possible to do multiple transactions and get them on separate tickets? I need them split up, because I’m paying for the orders separately. I need multiple tickets.”

    Employee #3: “Let me ask.” *muffled to someone else* “What’s multiple tickets?”

    Me: “Hello?”

    Employee #3: “Yeah, hold on.”

    Employee #4: “What are you asking for?”

    Me: *slowly* “I have multiple orders, but I need them to go on separate tickets. Can I do this over the phone?”

    Employee #4: “Oh. Yeah, you can do that. Just a sec, okay?” *passes it back to the previous employee*

    Employee #3: “What do you want to do?”

    Me: “I just need separate…” *sighs* “You know what; I’ll just come in to order.”

    Employee #3: *cheerful now* “Okay!” *hangs up*

    Mac And Tease

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Coworkers, Food & Drink

    (Though I’m normally good about eating healthy food, when I’m stressed all bets are off. We’ve had a tense few weeks of projects at my work, and thus most of my lunches have been greasy nightmares, including some homemade mac and cheese. I’m eating lunch when one of my coworkers comes in.)

    Coworker: “Oh, is that macaroni and cheese?”

    Me: “Mm-hm.”

    Coworker: “It doesn’t look like boxed or that quick-make stuff. Is it homemade?”

    Me: “Yeah. I just made a huge pot of it last night.”

    Coworker: “Oh, wow, really? So the cheese sauce is homemade too?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah.”

    Coworker: “Homemade is always better and healthier than that boxed crap. Can I try a bite?”

    Me: “You eat, like, mega-healthy, right?”

    Coworker: “Yeah, so?”

    Me: “This mac and cheese is like 85% grease, 10% salt, 3% cheese, and 2% pasta.”

    Coworker: “Oh, come off it! Homemade anything is always healthier than restaurant or store-bought, because you made it yourself!”

    Me: “Okay, well, that’s not how it works and regardless, since I DID make it myself, I can assure you this is something you wouldn’t want to have. The sauce is just an entire stick of butter and a pound of cheap cheese.”

    (My coworker continues trying to wheedle me for a few moments, and then sits down to her own lunch. Our supervisor comes by and reminds me of something I have to do after lunch. Because of how I’m sitting, I have to turn my back to my meal (and coworker) to talk to my supervisor. When I turn back around, it is just in time to see a big forkful of my mac and cheese go into my coworker’s mouth.)

    Me: “Uh, [Coworker], that’s—”

    (Before I can finish, her face screws up in horror and she spits out her mouthful on the table.)

    Coworker: “OH, MY GOD! EW! What the f*** is wrong with you?!”

    Me: “What the f***’s wrong with ME?! You’re the one that stole my food after I told you you’d hate it!”

    Coworker: *frantically wiping a paper towel over her tongue* “That’s disgusting! How can you put that s*** in your body?”

    Me: “I’m a stress-induced masochist, I guess. Kinda like how you’re a stupid-induced masochist.”

    Coworker: “Well! F*** you, too!”

    (She turned her nose up and stomped off to finish her lunch at her desk, leaving me to clean up the food she’d spat out. But at least she’s never asked me for a bite of my food again!)

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