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    Birthing New Stupid

    | RI, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid

    (I’ve recently gotten married and I took my husband’s name. I’m at the bank to update my name on my bank account. The teller goes through the standard questions, verifying my name and new address and then:)

    Teller: “And is your date of birth still the same?”

    (I just chuckle thinking she’s joking, until I notice she’s still staring expectantly at me.)

    Me: “Umm, yes, that hasn’t changed.”

    Price Checked Out

    | England, UK | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I’m shopping with my young daughter in a high street shop; they are famous for having branded items for cheap, often last season or end of line goods.)

    Me: “Excuse me; do you know how much this is?”

    Floor Staff: “Does it not have a price on it?”

    Me: *I pause, thinking about all the sarcastic comments I could make* “No, it doesn’t.”

    Floor Staff: “Okay, well, if you take it downstairs you can get the customer services to price it.”

    (I look from the large box, to the push chair back to the large box.)

    Me: “I’m going to struggle on my own. Is there anyone that can help me?”

    Floor Staff: “Sorry.”

    (Undeterred, I thank her and manage to get in the lift, wait in line, and see customer services.)

    Me: “Can I get a price on this, please?”

    Customer Services: “Sure!”

    (She looks it over, scans the barcode, scans it again, then calls a manager.)

    Customer Services: “Sorry, it is not on the system. My manager said you can have it for £100.”

    Me: “What? That must be at least twice as expensive as the main dealer. No, thanks.”

    Customer Services: “Oh, okay then.” *suddenly sour* “Can you put it back where you got it from, then?”

    (Speechless, I turned and left.)

    Not The Boss Of Knowledge

    | TX, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers

    (I share an office with three others, including my boss. A coworker comes in and looks disappointed at seeing my boss’s empty chair.)

    Me: “Looking for [Boss]?”

    (My coworker nods and looks at me expectantly.)

    Me: *after a pause* “…I don’t know why I asked that. I have no further information about his location.”

    (My coworker and officemates burst out laughing.)

    Me: “I didn’t think that through, did I?”

    Her Brain Is Flat

    | Humboldt, IA, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (Being early for my lunch shift at a ’50s diner, I have a seat with our retired cook who still does some grocery shopping for us. She’s a bit of a grouch, but I enjoy her company.)

    Coworker: *to cook*  “Would you like some more to drink?”

    Cook: “No, thanks, didn’t taste quite right today.”

    Me: *thinking she had her diet soda* “Is our machine losing carbonation again?”

    Cook: “No, I had a [cold tea drink] and it tasted like it wasn’t shook up or something.”

    (During this time my coworker, who likes to sound smart but is really a ditz, has taken a glass and tried some of the cold tea drink.)

    Coworker: “I don’t think it’s hooked up right. There’s no carbonation.”

    Me: “That’s fine. There shouldn’t be.”

    Coworker: “But it’s from a fountain. It should be carbonated.”

    Cook: “It’s tea. It shouldn’t be carbonated.”

    Coworker: “But it’s flat…”

    (At this point the phone rings and she leaves to take an order.)

    Me: “Can I kill her? She’s already brain dead.”

    Cook: “I’ll hide the body.”

    Shaved From Embarrassment

    | The Netherlands | Awesome Customers, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (It has been a very long day and my brain has switched to auto-pilot, going through the routine automatically. I am working the cash registry and we keep perfumes, after-shaves, and smokes behind the registry.)

    Customer: “Do you have [Brand]?”

    Me: *turns around and starts looking through the shelves of eau de cologne and after-shaves* “Yes, sir. We have the scent and the after-shave. Which one do you want?”

    Customer: *snickering* “Does it look like I’d need the after-shave?”

    (I turn around, and stare at his face with a full beard. He is still laughing and I’m trying to save face.)

    Me: “Uhm… maybe for somewhere else?”

    (The customer bursts out in laughter while I realise what I said and start to die of embarrassment.)

    Customer: “I do shave there, miss, but I wouldn’t want to use after-shave on that!”


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