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    Losing Confidence Confidentially

    | UK | Employees, Family & Kids

    (My mother- and father-in-law, both retired, have a bad experience trying to open a joint account at a local branch of a particular bank. They spend two hours answering really personal questions about their finances which don’t seem to have any relevance: e.g. how much do you spend on food each month? The account isn’t even for a loan.)

    Caller: “Hello, could I please speak to Mrs. [In-Law] regarding her recent experience with [Bank]?”

    Father-In-Law: “She’s not at home right now. Would you like to speak to me about my experience as I was with my wife when we opened our joint account?”

    Caller: “No, I’m sorry. I have to speak directly with Mrs. [In-Law] regarding her account.”

    Father-In-Law: “Well, I’m afraid she’s not at home at the moment, so you can speak to me about the account as it is a joint account and I was there with her.”

    Caller: “I’m afraid I can’t discuss that information with you as it’s confidential. When will Mrs. [In-Law] be home?”

    Father-In-Law: “I’m afraid I can’t discuss that information with you as it’s confidential.” *click*

    But Her Credit Score Is Alive And Well

    | TX, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

    (My aunt died this past January. Her bank bills her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then adds late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00… and now is somewhere around $60.00.)

    Me: “I am calling to tell you that she died in January.”

    Bank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

    Me: “Maybe you should turn it over to collections…”

    Bank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

    Me: “So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

    Bank: “Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau… Maybe both!”

    Me: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”

    Bank: “Excuse me…?”

    Me: “Did you get what I am telling you… the part about her being dead?”

    Bank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor!”

    (Supervisor gets on the phone.)

    Me: ”I’m calling to tell you she died in January.”

    Bank Supervisor: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

    Me: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

    Bank Supervisor: *stammers* “Are you her lawyer?”

    Me: “No, I’m her great nephew.” *gives lawyer info*

    Bank Supervisor: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

    Me: “Sure.” *fax number is given*

    (After they get the fax:)

    Bank Supervisor: “Our system just isn’t setup for death…”

    Me: “Oh…”

    Bank Supervisor: “I don’t know what more I can do to help…”

    Me: “Well… if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her, I suppose… I don’t really think she will care.”

    Bank Supervisor: “Well… the late fees and charges do still apply.”

    Me: “‘Would you like her new billing address?”

    Bank Supervisor: “That might help.”

    Me: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery.” *gives plot number*

    Bank Supervisor: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

    Me: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?!”

    Paying Attention Is Rare Currency

    | NY, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Money

    (I’ve just landed in New York City to visit my boyfriend. I’m going to be using my boyfriend’s credit card over here as mine has huge international charges. I have a £20 note I took out just before my flight, and no change whatsoever.)

    Me: “Hi, I’d like to change this into US dollars.”

    Worker: “Okay, I can give you $40 for £25.45.”

    Me: “No, I only have this £20.”

    Worker: “Okay, how about $35 for £22.27.”

    Me: “No. I literally only have this £20.”

    Worker: “I’d just need £22.27 for the $35.”

    Me: *turning my purse over and shaking it* “I don’t have any change. I literally only have £20.”

    Worker: “Oh. OH! You only have £20.”

    Not So Closely Guarded

    | CA, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Physical

    (Due to some robberies in the area the bank has hired additional security guards to patrol outside of the building. I’ve just finished going over some paperwork with an accountant and am walking to my car when a vagrant in a dirty coat ambushes me. Note that I’m a woman who is 5′ 1” and weighs less than a hundred pounds.)

    Me: “Hey, let go!”

    Thief: *slurring* “Listen, I just WANT some WINE!”

    (Stumbling, the guy grabs at my purse and tries yanking it out my arms.)

    Me: “Help! Get this guy off me!”

    (I spend the next several minutes fighting off the drunken thief. Finally I manage to get free, only to find he managed to steal my car keys and phone in the scuffle. My hair and clothes a mess, I stumble back into the bank so I can call for help. The bank manager instantly spots me and rushes over.)

    Bank Manager: “Oh, my goodness! What happened? Are you okay? Did you contact one of the security guards about the attack?”

    (I explain the situation when the security guard who was supposed to be watching the parking lot wanders in.)

    Guard: “So, my shift’s over in three minutes. Is it okay if I clock out now?”

    Me: “Hey, where the f*** were you when I was being attacked by that crazed bum?”

    Guard: “Oh, calm down, lady. Don’t be so melodramatic. It’s not like you got jumped by a gang of people.”

    (I’m literally stunned by his flippant regard about not helping me.)

    Me: “So, you didn’t think you should have gotten involved when one of your bank’s customers was attacked by someone twice her size?”

    Guard: “Look, it’s not my job to protect bank customers. Now if—”

    (The bank manager, who had been silent during this exchange, finally speaks up.)

    Manager: “Then what the f*** is your job, [Guard]? Because from where I stand protecting our customers from random thieves in our parking lot sounds like exactly the kind of job we hired extra security for.”

    (The manager asked me to review the parking lot footage with him and the guard. The footage showed the guard actually stopping and watching the entire fight from a safe distance, never interfering during the 10-minute-long fight or even after when I dragged myself inside. Despite his iron-clad defense that it ‘wasn’t his job to help people’ the manager fired him on the spot.)

    The Quality Of Service Decreases From Here

    | London, England, UK | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Money

    (In my local bank branch, there are advisers who meet you on the way in: middle-level ones that work behind the counters and higher-level ones that work in offices downstairs.)

    Me: “Hello, I’m looking to decrease my overdraft limit. Can I do that at the counter, or do I need to see someone downstairs?”

    Greeter: “Oh, that’s no problem; you can do that at the desk.”

    (After a ten minute queue for the counters, I arrive.)

    Teller: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Me: “I need to decrease my overdraft limit today. Here’s my card.”

    Teller: “Oh, you can’t do that here. If you want to borrow more money, you need to see someone downstairs.”

    Me: “I’m not borrowing more money; I need to decrease my overdraft. So I’m borrowing less, you see.”

    Teller: *blank look* “I don’t understand you, sir.”

    Me: “DE-crease. To borrow LESS money.”

    Teller: “Hang on a mo. I need to call someone.”

    (He presses a button. A manager arrives shortly.)

    Manager: “Good afternoon, are we having a problem here?”

    Teller: “I told him that he needs to go downstairs if he wants to borrow money.”

    Me: “Excuse me, that’s not what I asked for. I need to DECREASE my overdraft limit on my current account.”

    Manager: *puzzled* “Oh, of course you can do that at the counter. Only takes a minute. [Teller], do you know how to do that?”

    Teller: “But you told me to send people downstairs if they want to borrow more money!”

    (At this point the manager’s arm makes a jerky movement like he was about to facepalm himself.)

    Manager: *patiently* “Why don’t you take a break?”

    Teller: “Great!”

    (He leaps up and walks off. The manager sits down, takes my card and ID, and types for about ten seconds.)

    Manager: “That’s all done for you now, sir. Sorry about that.”

    Me: “No problem. He seemed a little confused.”

    Manager: “I’ll admit that people borrowing LESS money isn’t a request we get that often…”


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