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  • Owned By The Owner, Part 7

    | Saint John, NB, Canada | Bosses & Owners, Criminal/Illegal

    (One night I get a call from a casual acquaintance:)

    Acquaintance: “Do you know anyone who is free to go take the cover charge at a local pub.”

    Me: “I’m free. What the heck, money is money!”

    (I show up and am given the till, and start greeting people at the door. Some people don’t understand why they have to pay as this pub only has a cover occasionally when they have a band, the rest of the time it is free to come in. So I have to do a lot of explaining. A customer tries to pass me without paying and I stop him.)

    Me: “$2 please.”

    (He shakes my hand.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m [Name].” *tries again to just walk past*

    Me: “Hi, I’m [My Name] and I still need two bucks.”

    (He cracks up laughing.)

    Customer: “Good answer! But I’m [Name and Last Name]. I’m the owner.”

    (I was quite embarrassed.)

    Related:
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 6
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 5
    Getting Owned By The Owner, Part 4

    Chipping Away At That Special Relationship

    | London, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Employees, Food & Drink

    (I was in London for a few months visiting friends, and as such I decided to try and speak like a Londoner. We go to a pub one night and decide to order some food.)

    Me: “I’ll have some plain chips, if that’s all right.”

    (I know that in the UK, chips means French fries.)

    Waitress: “No problem. And for you?”

    (The waitress takes everyone else’s orders and comes back shortly. She plops down a bag of a popular brand of crisps in front of me.)

    Me: “Um, I wanted chips.”

    Waitress: “Well you got your chips, you stupid American! You should appreciate that we know your ‘lingo’ in this pub and know that you really meant crisps!”

    Me: “No, I meant CHIPS as in FRIES. And since you’ve insulted me, I’ll be taking my leave. Guys?”

    (My friends and I left without taking a bite of food, and didn’t bother paying. The waitress came running out after us, shouting that we needed to pay!)

    Big Guy Posse Meets Big Sky Country

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Employees

    Security: “ID, please.”

    Me: *I give the guy my ID*

    Security: *slaps an intercom button* “Security, all hands up front.”

    Me: *about to s*** my pants* “What? What?! Wha—”

    (Five big guys show up at a run.)

    Security: “Everybody! This is what a Montana ID looks like.”

    Wine Dine Crime

    | New Zealand | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Food & Drink

    (I’ve been a qualified sommelier for about 10 years and have been working in hospitality for 20. I’m visiting my family in New Zealand and decide to pop into a well regarded new wine bar one evening before dinner. I’m sitting at the bar, looking at the list.)

    Me: “I’ve never seen [Very Rare Wine] on a wine list before! I was under the impression there were only three bottles left in the world and they were all privately owned.”

    Bartender: *whispering* “Don’t get it!”

    Me: “Uh…sorry?”

    Bartender: *whispering* “Don’t bother mate. It’s not real.”

    (I can’t work out why he’s whispering because I’m the only one inside.)

    Me: “What do you mean it’s not real?”

    Bartender: “The owner, she thinks it looks good to have something like that on the menu. So she just got labels made to put over other bottles of wine. Now I have to put up with people asking how we got our hands on a whole case of them! What am I supposed to say, huh? And she actually expects me to sell them. Like no one will notice it’s a $10 bottle of plonk!”

    (The ‘relabeled’ wine is in the thousands. I stick to a nice local red and when I’m leaving I hand him my card.)

    Me: “If you’re ever moving to Australia and need a job give me a call. Frankness and honesty are quite rare and you seem to have both qualities.”

    Bartender: “Wow, I’m so glad I told you. Sometimes I can’t be bothered, deterring customers. Have a good evening!”

    (He now works for me in Melbourne.)

    Tipped To Win

    , | NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees, Food & Drink, Money

    (I am a somewhat overweight, socially awkward guy. I don’t go clubbing too much because I don’t blend in well, but a lot of my friends club regularly. I am invited one night to accompany them to the most popular local club, where the crowd is mainly made up of popular, preppy college-kids who are unfortunately mostly smug and look down on anyone who isn’t ‘perfect.’ While my friends dance, I wander over to the bar to grab a drink. An attractive young bartender looks at me – the only person patiently waiting who hasn’t yet been served – but instead decides to ask every… single… other person at the bar if they want anything before she even looks at me again.)

    Bartender: *hastily* “What do you want?”

    Me: “How much would a cheap rum & coke cost me?”

    Bartender: “Ugh. I could get you one with bottom-shelf rum with $3.50.”

    Me: *trying to be friendly and easy-going* “Okay, I’ll have that. I’m not super picky when I go clubbing.”

    (She rolls her eyes, makes me my drink, but doesn’t give it to me. Instead, she goes to the largest group nearby and again checks on them all repeatedly before she returns. She practically throws my drink at me.)

    Bartender: *with a smug, sarcastic smile* “Oh, I’m soooo sorry, but I accidentally put in some of the more expensive rum into this. It’ll be $7. But if you can’t afford it, I suppose I could make you another one with the cheap stuff. You look like you probably can’t spend too much the way you’re dressed.”

    (I was tight for cash. I only had about an extra $10 bill, some singles and some change with me so I could order a few drinks, but I didn’t want her to ‘win.’)

    Me: “Oh, that’s fine. I’ll take that.”

    (I hand her the $10 I have, and once again, rather than just giving me my change, she purposely goes to several other people first, making sure to glance at me with a smug look, before she finally gets me my change.)

    Bartender: *nasty chuckle* “Here’s $3. I could get you a shot of the cheap stuff if that’s all you got left.”

    (I took the money and waved her away. I then noticed that instead of handing me three $1 bills, she had accidentally handed me three $10 bills. Seeing an opportunity, I went back to my group, picked a very attractive female friend, and told her to ‘play along.’ You can imagine the bartender’s surprise when I ordered myself and my very attractive friend two rounds of expensive drinks, while my friend pretended to be enamored by me. After spending about $40 on drinks, I purposely left a spare penny I had for a tip.)


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