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    Big Guy Posse Meets Big Sky Country

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Employees

    Security: “ID, please.”

    Me: *I give the guy my ID*

    Security: *slaps an intercom button* “Security, all hands up front.”

    Me: *about to s*** my pants* “What? What?! Wha—”

    (Five big guys show up at a run.)

    Security: “Everybody! This is what a Montana ID looks like.”

    Wine Dine Crime

    | New Zealand | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Food & Drink

    (I’ve been a qualified sommelier for about 10 years and have been working in hospitality for 20. I’m visiting my family in New Zealand and decide to pop into a well regarded new wine bar one evening before dinner. I’m sitting at the bar, looking at the list.)

    Me: “I’ve never seen [Very Rare Wine] on a wine list before! I was under the impression there were only three bottles left in the world and they were all privately owned.”

    Bartender: *whispering* “Don’t get it!”

    Me: “Uh…sorry?”

    Bartender: *whispering* “Don’t bother mate. It’s not real.”

    (I can’t work out why he’s whispering because I’m the only one inside.)

    Me: “What do you mean it’s not real?”

    Bartender: “The owner, she thinks it looks good to have something like that on the menu. So she just got labels made to put over other bottles of wine. Now I have to put up with people asking how we got our hands on a whole case of them! What am I supposed to say, huh? And she actually expects me to sell them. Like no one will notice it’s a $10 bottle of plonk!”

    (The ‘relabeled’ wine is in the thousands. I stick to a nice local red and when I’m leaving I hand him my card.)

    Me: “If you’re ever moving to Australia and need a job give me a call. Frankness and honesty are quite rare and you seem to have both qualities.”

    Bartender: “Wow, I’m so glad I told you. Sometimes I can’t be bothered, deterring customers. Have a good evening!”

    (He now works for me in Melbourne.)

    Tipped To Win

    , | NY, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees, Food & Drink, Money

    (I am a somewhat overweight, socially awkward guy. I don’t go clubbing too much because I don’t blend in well, but a lot of my friends club regularly. I am invited one night to accompany them to the most popular local club, where the crowd is mainly made up of popular, preppy college-kids who are unfortunately mostly smug and look down on anyone who isn’t ‘perfect.’ While my friends dance, I wander over to the bar to grab a drink. An attractive young bartender looks at me – the only person patiently waiting who hasn’t yet been served – but instead decides to ask every… single… other person at the bar if they want anything before she even looks at me again.)

    Bartender: *hastily* “What do you want?”

    Me: “How much would a cheap rum & coke cost me?”

    Bartender: “Ugh. I could get you one with bottom-shelf rum with $3.50.”

    Me: *trying to be friendly and easy-going* “Okay, I’ll have that. I’m not super picky when I go clubbing.”

    (She rolls her eyes, makes me my drink, but doesn’t give it to me. Instead, she goes to the largest group nearby and again checks on them all repeatedly before she returns. She practically throws my drink at me.)

    Bartender: *with a smug, sarcastic smile* “Oh, I’m soooo sorry, but I accidentally put in some of the more expensive rum into this. It’ll be $7. But if you can’t afford it, I suppose I could make you another one with the cheap stuff. You look like you probably can’t spend too much the way you’re dressed.”

    (I was tight for cash. I only had about an extra $10 bill, some singles and some change with me so I could order a few drinks, but I didn’t want her to ‘win.’)

    Me: “Oh, that’s fine. I’ll take that.”

    (I hand her the $10 I have, and once again, rather than just giving me my change, she purposely goes to several other people first, making sure to glance at me with a smug look, before she finally gets me my change.)

    Bartender: *nasty chuckle* “Here’s $3. I could get you a shot of the cheap stuff if that’s all you got left.”

    (I took the money and waved her away. I then noticed that instead of handing me three $1 bills, she had accidentally handed me three $10 bills. Seeing an opportunity, I went back to my group, picked a very attractive female friend, and told her to ‘play along.’ You can imagine the bartender’s surprise when I ordered myself and my very attractive friend two rounds of expensive drinks, while my friend pretended to be enamored by me. After spending about $40 on drinks, I purposely left a spare penny I had for a tip.)

    Has No Problem With Their Drinking Problem

    | London, England, UK | Employees, Food & Drink, Health & Body

    (My friend is leaving to join the army and he and I both go out for a couple leaving drinks. My friend offers to buy the first round.)

    Friend: “Hiya, can I get… two ‘Irish Car-bombs,’ please.”

    (Those who don’t know what this is, it’s a half pint of Guinness served with a shot of Baileys with Jameson whiskey floated on top. The shot is dropped into the pint and then the whole thing has to be thrown back at once before the baileys curdles in the Guinness.)

    Me: “That’s it. I’m done. I hate Irish Car-bombs. LIKE, REALLY HATE THEM!”

    Friend: “Nope, you need to stay. Just this one and then were on normal drinks.”

    Me: “Fine. Let’s just get it over with.”

    (The girl behind the bar at this point has been silent.)

    Bar Girl #1: “Sorry, but what is an Irish Car bomb?”

    (My friend proceeded to explain the whole concoction in explicit detail and even help her float the whiskey on the shots. At this point a small crowd of bar staff has gathered to watch the show.)

    Me: “Dude… what have you done?! We have an audience now!”

    (At this point I think I’m safe, since I recognise the manager walking along the bar I’m hoping he will tell his staff to get back to work.)

    Manager: “What are we watching?”

    Me: “S***!”

    (As I prepare to drop the shot into the Guinness a cute girl at the bar chips in.)

    Bar Girl #2: “Good luck, sir.”

    (Never before has man been under such pressure to not screw up drinking. I drop the shot and neck the drink in what I consider record time only for more or less the whole bar to erupt into applause, young drinkers and older ones alike applauding. The guy at the bar pipes up.)

    Bar Guy: “Same again, lads?”

    There Is Life After Love(making)

    | Goa, India | Employees, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Musical Mayhem, Rude & Risque

    (It’s early afternoon, and loads of children are around with their families. A rap song starts, with REALLY clear lyrics about explicit and hardcore sex.)

    Me: “Are you serious? With children around?”

    DJ: *confusion*

    Me: “This song is about sex. F*****g! Serious f*****g! Naked people. Marriage stuff!”

    DJ: “Oh!”

    (He quickly puts on Cher!)


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