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    We’re In Flori-duh!

    , | MI, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Technology

    Telemarketer: “We’re calling to make sure that you’re receiving the best value for your money.”

    Me: “Thanks, but someone already called last week. We put our Internet service on hold until we return from Florida in the spring, and we don’t have cable TV. So, I don’t want you to waste your time.”

    Telemarketer: “Uh, okay, well, who is your cable provider?”

    Me: “[Your Company] is our provider, but like I said, we don’t have cable TV. We only have your Internet service, and that is on hold until spring.”

    Telemarketer: “Well, we just want to make sure that you’re receiving the best value for your money—”

    Me: “Yes, I know, but like I said, we’re in a whole ‘nother state; we’re not in our house so obviously we don’t want cable right now. Maybe in the future.”

    Telemarketer: “How many TVs do you have in your home?”

    Me: *sighing inwardly* “One.”

    Telemarketer: “Is it high definition?”

    Me: “Yes, but as I mentioned, we don’t want cable TV so you’re wasting your time.”

    Telemarketer: “Uh, okay, well, we just want to make sure—”

    Me: “Thanks, but no thanks. Goodbye!”

    Voice Unrecognition

    | OK, USA | Employees, Technology

    (I have had a cold and my voice, which is already very low pitched, has now become a gravelly basso profundo.)

    Computer Voice: “Would you like to pay your bill now?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Computer Voice: “I’m sorry, can you repeat that?”

    Me: *rumbling louder* “Yes!”

    Computer Voice: “I’m sorry, but I can’t understand you. I will transfer you to an associate now.”

    Human: “Can I help you?”

    Me: “Yes, I’d like to pay my bill.”

    Human: “Yes, I can take care of that for you, but there is a $5 fee if you don’t use our automated services.”

    Me: “Yes, I know, but I tried that and it wouldn’t understand me.”

    Human: “Um…” *short pause to think about that* “Okay, I think I can waive the fee for that.”

    Me: “That would be nice.”

    (They dropped the voice recognition not long after.)

    World Wide Watery Web

    , | New York, NY, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I’m on the phone, trying to resolve an issue where the cable company has mistakenly logged my account as disconnected.)

    Me: “I’m a little confused. The e-mail I received from you says that my account was disconnected, but I still have cable service.”

    Employee: “Well, that can’t be possible. You are disconnected. A technician went out to your residence and physically disconnected the lines yesterday.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think you’re understanding me. That didn’t happen. My cable and internet are still working. The lines have NOT been disconnected. If you have my account categorized as disconnected, why am I still receiving cable service?”

    Employee: “Well, there may just be some leftover service in the lines. That will get less and less strong as it finishes out and gets used up. That happens sometimes.”

    Me: “Leftover service in the lines? Like water in a pipe?”

    Employee: “Exactly like that. There is just leftover cable and internet in the lines. It’ll run out soon.”

    Me: “You do realize that cable and internet are not physical things that flow through a line, right?”

    Employee: “No, I don’t think that’s correct. The service goes through the wires and into your home, just like water through a pipe. You just have some leftover service in your wires.”

    Me: “… Can I speak to your supervisor?”

    Return This Rep To Sender

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Employees, Lazy/Unhelpful, Money, Top

    Me: “I would like to dispute this $15 charge on my bill.”

    Cable Rep: “Okay, I see we shipped you a box for $9.99.”

    Me: “Yes, but there is another $15.”

    Cable Rep: “Yes, that is for the shipping.”

    Me: “Isn’t that the $9.99?”

    Cable Rep: “Yes, that is for shipping.”

    Me: “Then what is the $15 for?”

    Cable Rep: “That’s for shipping.”

    Me: “Why would you charge me $9.99 for shipping and then another $15 for shipping?”

    Cable Rep: “That was for returning the old box.”

    Me: “There were no labels in the box or anything to indicate it was for return, only the new box. I took the old one back to one of your offices.”

    Cable Rep: “Look, I’m just trying to explain your charge. That was for shipping.”

    Me: “Shipping what?”

    Cable Rep: “The box.”

    Me: “My old box or my new box?”

    Cable Rep: “Look ma’am, I’m just trying to explain your bill since that was what you asked for.”

    Me: “I physically returned the old box because there was no shipping label or anything else in the box you sent me.”

    Cable Rep: “It was for shipping.”

    Me: “Could I please speak with someone else?”

    Cable Rep: “I assure you ma’am, I can help you.”

    Me: “No, I assure you, you cannot…”

    Putting The Why In DIY

    | Canada | Employees, Lazy/Unhelpful, Technology

    (I’m an electrician by trade, and have to submit my timesheet via email every two weeks or I don’t get paid. I come home and discover my internet isn’t working, so I can’t submit my timesheet. I call the cable company; three router resets later…)

    Me: “Look, this doesn’t seem right to me. Did I forget to pay a bill and you guys have disconnected me?”

    Customer Service: “No, it appears you only owe us $30 from last month and you wouldn’t be disconnected for that. But you do want to pay that bill right away.”

    (I’m running out of time to submit my timesheet, so I’m getting a bit impatient with my responses.)

    Me: “Maybe if I had internet I could.”

    Customer Service: “Sir, it is possible that there is a unreported outage in your area. Perhaps a car hit one of our poles.”

    Me: “So, did a car hit one of the your poles?”

    Customer Service: “Not that we are aware of.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, I’m an electrician, so I’m going to go ahead and open up the data box on the side of my house and have a look because I suspect you guys have disconnected me.”

    Customer Service: “Sir, you are not allowed to do that. We can have someone out there in three days.”

    Me: “That’s not good enough. I’m going to open it up and take a look.”

    Customer Service: “Sir, that is illegal. That property belongs to [company name].

    Me: “It’s on my house and I paid for all the cable that exists in that box. Come arrest me.” *click*

    (I open up the box and sure enough they’ve disconnected everything. Five minutes after I get it open, an installer for the cable company shows up and appears behind me.)

    Installer: “Is this why your internet isn’t working?”

    Me: “No, this is me troubleshooting for your cable company. They said they couldn’t get anyone out here for a couple days. I should be charging haha!”

    Installer: “Yeah they can be d***s. Mind if I take a look at what’s going on here?”

    (The installer comes to the same conclusion that I’ve been disconnected. He pulls out a tablet and sees that a three-month-old work order for the previous tenants’ disconnection had been executed that afternoon. He hooks me back up and tells me that this happens all the time. One family had even been disconnected every week for six months because of a fault in the computer system. We shake hands, I learn a little more about data installation and I get my timesheet submitted with only a couple minutes to spare.)


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