Me: “Thank you for calling [company] customer service. My name is [name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “This is going to sound incredibly stupid and unreal, but I figured I would ask anyway. I have your [scanner brand] in my hands and the tab in the USB port is mangled beyond belief through no fault of your company. By any chance would ‘Coworker Disasters’ be covered under your warranty?”

Me: “Well, what seems to have happened to it? Maybe there is something I can do for you.”

(The caller sort of chuckles before sighing.)

Caller: “We had just given this new scanner to [coworker] to set up at her desktop. After 20 minutes, I began to hear a weird crunching noise and asked her if there was anything she needed help with. She told me she was just having a lot of trouble with the safety tab. This confused me seeing I have the same scanner and there was no ‘safety tab.’ When I went to check on her, to my horror I saw her with a metal butter knife trying to chip the much needed tab out of the USB port. I stopped her and asked what she thought she was doing.”

(I hear a light slap and what she says next is a bit muffled. I presume she had face-palmed herself at this point.)

Caller: “I couldn’t believe [coworker] sat there completely serious with the butter knife and told me she “didn’t think the tab belonged there,” and since she couldn’t take it out normally, she had gotten the knife to pry it out. So, do you think there is anything you can help me with?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, give me a second and let me see what I can do…”

(At this point I put the poor lady on hold, go to to my supervisor, and ask if there is anything we can do. I get my answer and go back to the call.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am? Well, I talked with my supervisor and normally the highest discount we can give on a scanner is about 25%, but she let me offer you 35%. Also, we can ship the new unit from here and put a bright yellow sticker with the tech support phone number and a caution to call them before opening the box on the outside if you’d like.”

(The caller cracks up laughing on the phone, and then agrees to order a new unit with the discount. We indeed shipped the box with the yellow caution sticker on it. A week later, the customer called in thanking me for the extra service and said she would recommend our product to other companies she knew.)

Me: “Good afternoon, and thank you for calling [company]. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

Other Agent: “Hello, and thank you for calling [other company]. My name is [name]. How can I help you? ”

Me: “Um… is anyone else on the line?”

Both Of Us: *silence*

Me: “Did you call outbound?”

Other Agent: “No, did you?”

Me: “No. Well, have a nice day, I guess?”

(I still have no idea what happened on that call!)

Related:
Me, Mime-self, And I

(After getting married, my husband and I have canceled our individual cell phone plans and gotten a joint plan with a third company.)

Rep: “Thank you for calling [Carrier]. How may I assist you?”

Me: “I just got a new plan with your company. When I called to cancel service with [Other Carrier], they told me that it was the first day of the new billing cycle, so I was still responsible for paying that entire month! I can’t afford to pay them $50 plus your bill. This is going to cut into my groceries!”

Rep: “Wow, that’s really poor customer service.”

Me: “Yes, I spent an hour arguing with them. I talked to several supervisors and they’re refusing to void the charges. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m so upset!”

Rep: “Um… with all due respect… what exactly do you want [Carrier] to do?  Your issue is with [Other Carrier].”

Me:  ”Honestly? I have no idea what I expect you to do.  I really had no idea when I called.  I guess I just wanted someone to agree with me that [Other Carrier] is treating me unfairly!  Thank you for listening to me!

Rep:  Can I put you on hold for a minute?

Me: “Sure.”

(I’m put on hold. A few minutes later, the rep gets back on the phone.)

Rep: “I just spoke with my supervisor, and [Carrier] has agreed to give you a credit in the amount of your final bill with [Other Carrier] as a thank you for your business. Can you please confirm the exact total?”

Me: “…Really? That’s amazing! Thank you so much—it’s [amount]!”

Rep: “You’ll see a credit for [amount] on your first bill with us. Have I resolved your issue?”

Me: “And then some! Thanks again! You’re awesome, and I’m going to recommend [Carrier] to all my friends!”

Me:  ”Hi! I’m calling you today because the repair tech you sent to my house needs parts to fix my treadmill, but you won’t release them.”

Warranty Guy:  ”Your ‘no sweat’ warranty covers labor and parts, but the parts are actually still covered under the manufacturer’s warranty.”

Me:  ”So, the parts are covered?”

Warranty Guy:  ”Yes.”

Me:  ”Great! Then why won’t you release them?”

Warranty Guy:  ”It’s not us that won’t release them. It’s the manufacturer.”

Me:  ”…But you said that they are still covered.”

Warranty Guy: “Right, but in case it runs out, your ‘no sweat’ plan will still cover them for two more years!”

Me:  ”Right… but why won’t the manufacturer release them?”

Warranty Guy:  ”According to our records, the treadmill manufacturer needs your proof of purchase.”

Me:  ”I sent that to you guys with my claim, as I bought it through you.”

Warranty Guy:  ”Yup. We have it here. You bought it on 11/4/11, and I see that the treadmill manufacturer needs it to release the parts.”

Me:  ”Um… do you think you could send that proof of purchase to them?”

Warranty Guy: “I can’t send it to them, but if you call your repair tech, he can call them and tell them to call us and we will authorize the release of parts.”

Me:  ”…Wait. I thought it was the manufacturer that needed to authorize the release.  But you’re saying that you need to authorize the release of parts?”

Warranty Guy:  ”Well, the manufacturer has to authorize the release of parts to the repair tech, but they need to call us so that we can authorize it.”

Me:  ”I’m confused. So the manufacturer can’t release the parts until you authorize it?”

Warranty Guy: “Right.”

Me: “So, could you call them to authorize it?”

Warranty Guy:  ”No, you need to call your repair tech. Your repair tech has to call them, and to tell them to call us.”

Me: “What part about this process is ‘no sweat’?!”

Me: “My 18-month-old got into the Baby Gravol and ate three of them before I caught her!”

Poison Control: “Okay… how much does she weigh? And how much is the dosage?”

(I give him the information.)

Poison Control: “Alright. I’ll just look that up for you…”

(A minute passes.)

Poison Control: “Okay. So… um… don’t let her drive.”