(Note: I’m calling about my mortgage to see if they can get me a better deal.)

Operator: “Okay, I’m just going to ask you a few questions and then we’ll see what we can do for you.”

Me: “Okay, that’s fine. Fire away.”

Operator: “How much do you owe on your mortgage?”

Me: “Roughly £97,000.”

Operator: “Okay, and who is your current mortgage provider?”

Me: “HSBC.”

Operator: “And how do you spell that?”

Me: “Um… H… S… B… C.”

(Backstory: My husband recently found out he had an acute form of cancer which would be deadly unless he got immediate treatment (leukemia). It has rendered him totally disabled and is totally dependent on me for everything. He is so weak that he can’t shower or get dressed and can barely walk from room to room. This has unfortunately left us behind on our credit card.)

Me: “I understand why you’re calling, but I just do not have any money to give right now. We’re only bringing in $600 a month in social security and that barely covers 2/3 of the mortgage. I have NO money left. I called to explain this already.”

Credit Card Rep: “You need to get a job.”

Me: “I don’t think you understand. My husband has cancer. I will be more than willing to send you whatever documentation you’d like from the hospital to prove I’m telling the truth. I can’t leave him alone at all. He’s a fall hazard.”

Credit Card Rep: “You need to find a job and hire someone to watch him. Try [fast food restaurant].”

Me: “Do you really think I’m going to find someone to be his caregiver on a [fast food restaurant] salary? I’ll be paying out more to that than I bring in! That doesn’t even make sense!”

Credit Card Rep: “I think you’re just lazy and don’t feel like working. It’s harder to work at [fast food restaurant] than it is to take care of an adult. You can leave him for a few hours.”

Me: “Do you even hear what you’re saying?”

Credit Card Rep: “Well, then you need to ask someone to help you take care of him.”

Me: “Who? The people who have jobs and bills to pay? You want them to take time off work and help me for free?”

Credit Card Rep: “Yes!”

(I’ve lost the password I need to access my billing and setting and am calling to reset it.)

Representative: “Hello, thank you for calling [phone company]. How may I be of assistance today?”

Me: “Hi, I need to reset my password.”

Representative: “Of course, I’d be happy to help you with that. Can I have your name, number, and last 4 digits of your social security number?”

(I give them to her.)

Representative: “Thank you. Is there anything you would like me to temporarily reset your password to?”

Me: “Yes. Six, six, four, four.”

Representative: “Passwords must be four to five digits.”

Me: “But I only gave you four.”

Representative: “Oh, can you give them to me again?”

Me: “Six, six, four, four.”

Representative: “Thank you. To double check, do you want it reset to six, six, four, four or sixty six, forty four?”

(I’ve just paid my card off, but the payment isn’t showing up on my account information.)

Agent: “Can I have your payment confirmation number?”

(I start to give him the number, but the agent cuts me off.)

Agent: “That’s not it. Our numbers don’t start that way.”

Me: “I’m reading it directly from the payment screen.”

Agent: “Well, that’s not right, and you need to learn to read more carefully.”

(Eventually, the agent finds the payment using my telephone number.)

Agent: “Okay, I found the payment. You need to write down the confirmation number in case you have to call again. The number is [EXACT same number I gave him earlier]. Can I help you with anything else?”

Me: “No, but you can help yourself by learning to listen.”

Related:
This Company’s Days Are Numbered

Coworker: “So, I’ll get access to my new apartment on January 1st. That’s in like… a month?”

Me: “It’s exactly two weeks from today. It’s Tuesday the week after next.”

Coworker: “Oh, that soon? Wait, so is January 1st the day after New Years’ Eve this year?”

Me: “…Yes, the new year kind of always starts with January 1st…”