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    World Wide Watery Web

    , | New York, NY, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I’m on the phone, trying to resolve an issue where the cable company has mistakenly logged my account as disconnected.)

    Me: “I’m a little confused. The e-mail I received from you says that my account was disconnected, but I still have cable service.”

    Employee: “Well, that can’t be possible. You are disconnected. A technician went out to your residence and physically disconnected the lines yesterday.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think you’re understanding me. That didn’t happen. My cable and internet are still working. The lines have NOT been disconnected. If you have my account categorized as disconnected, why am I still receiving cable service?”

    Employee: “Well, there may just be some leftover service in the lines. That will get less and less strong as it finishes out and gets used up. That happens sometimes.”

    Me: “Leftover service in the lines? Like water in a pipe?”

    Employee: “Exactly like that. There is just leftover cable and internet in the lines. It’ll run out soon.”

    Me: “You do realize that cable and internet are not physical things that flow through a line, right?”

    Employee: “No, I don’t think that’s correct. The service goes through the wires and into your home, just like water through a pipe. You just have some leftover service in your wires.”

    Me: “… Can I speak to your supervisor?”

    Unable To Geolocate The Best Solution

    | Dayton, OH, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Money, Theme Of The Month

    (I am calling my cellular provider’s call center, because I was charged on my account after I cancelled it due to being in Ireland for an extended period of time.)

    Call Center: “We sent you some mobile notifications on these dates, telling you that your vacation hold was ending.”

    Me: “You sent mobile notifications to my CDMA phone when Europe only has GSM, and you’re wondering why I didn’t get them? CDMA doesn’t work in Europe which is why I put my account on hold.”

    Call Center: “Well, I’m sorry about that, sir, but it’s our policy to send a mobile notification.”

    Me: “You could have just as easily sent me an email to let me know that my phone that didn’t have service would soon be getting service.”

    Call Center: “I’m sorry, sir, but that’s how our system is set up.”

    Me: “Well your system sure as s*** seems to be able to send me email when I have a new bill that is due. Okay, well, seeing as my account has been cancelled and I can’t log in to the website to pay my bill by phone number since it says it doesn’t exist, how would you recommend I pay my bill?”

    Call Center: “Well, you can walk in and pay your bill in the nearest [Cellular Company] store.”

    Me: “Sure, I’ll go ahead and do that! Can you please tell me where the closest one is to Dublin, Ireland? I’ll happily walk in and pay my bill.”

    Call Center: “We don’t have information on that since we don’t have service over there.”

    Me: “So why would you even recommend that option to me?”

    Call Center: “Well, the next time you are in the States, you can do that.”

    Me: “Okay. Next time I make it over to the States, I will pay my bill. Thank you for giving me that permission to not pay until that time.” *hangs up*

    Not Very Good At Monitoring The Situation

    | OH, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work in an office with older equipment that fails on a regular basis. One morning my computer monitor dies. I inform the morning supervisor and wait for IT to come replace it. Later, the afternoon supervisor arrives.)

    Afternoon Supervisor: “Why weren’t you taking calls earlier?”

    Me: “My monitor was broken. IT just replaced it a few minutes ago.”

    Afternoon Supervisor: “But you didn’t send me an email! Why didn’t you send me an email that your monitor wasn’t working?”

    Me: “Because… I had no monitor?”

    Coworker: *calls over in high voice* “BECAUSE… SHE… COULD… NOT… SEE… TO… TYPE!”

    Will Autocall Back In Three Days

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Religion, Technology

    (My wife and I get our nine-year-old daughter a cell phone. Unfortunately, her number was formerly used by a Jesús [pronounced hey-soos] Gonzales. We keep getting calls from creditors for months, finally convincing them that the number is no longer his. Then one evening, her phone gets a ‘blocked number’ call. I take it, preparing to explain the situation. However, the caller is an autocaller, which uses a text reader and menu to communicate. It is also pronouncing Jesús’s name ‘gee-zus,’ like from church.)

    Autocaller: “Hello. I am trying to contact … Jesus Gonzales.If you are… Jesus… press one; otherwise, press two.”

    Me: *presses two, while starting to giggle a little*

    Autocaller: “I see that you are not… Jesus. Do you know… Jesus? Is so, press one; if not, press two.”

    Me: *presses 2, laughing now*

    Autocaller: “Do you know how we can find… Jesus? If yes, press one; if no, press two.”

    Me: *presses 2; laughing loudly*

    Autocaller: “Thank you.” *hangs up*

    Wife: “Who were they looking for?”

    Me: “They were looking for Jesus!”

    Start In Jamestown And Work Outwards…

    | CA, USA | Crazy Requests

    (I work for an inmate locator service. The caller has asked to look up his best friend.)

    Me: “Okay, can I have the first and last name?”

    Caller: “James.”

    Me: “Okay, and the last name?”

    Caller: “Oh, I don’t know his last name.”

    Me: “Sir, this is a statewide service. You’ll have to call back with the last name. I can’t run a search without a last name, unless you know the county he may be in.”

    Caller: “I don’t know what county! That’s why I’m calling you! And how many James’s can there be in the state of California, anyway?!”

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