(I am involved in a ongoing dispute with my mobile phone provider. I call them on several occasions, talk to my bank, and send them documents as proof I have paid. However, there is still no movement from them.)

Operator: “Hello, welcome to [mobile phone provider]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Yes, I’ve had a bit if an issue here with my mobile phone. I paid $35 towards my prepaid account over the phone with my debit card, but the amount was never credited to my account. You also took the money from my account and never relieved it. It’s still sitting in unallocated funds on my online account.”

Operator: “I can help you, but I need a receipt number to look at the transaction.”

Me: “I was never given a receipt number. After I confirmed the transaction over the phone, there was some sort of error, and the automated system never gave me one.”

Operator: “I can’t help you unless I have a receipt number.”

Me: “But I was never given one! The automated system said there was an error and I was never given one.”

Operator: “I can’t help you unless you give me your receipt number.”

Me: “I just told you; I don’t have one.”

Operator: “Then I can’t do anything for you.”

Me: “But this is my money; you took money from my account and haven’t revived it yet. Am I expected to just leave it in unallocated funds?”

Operator: “You need to take that up with your bank.”

Me: “But I have: I spoke to them personally and emailed you a copy if the online statement showing the unallocated funds.The bank said that it’s your end’s fault for not taking the payment.”

Operator: “What do you expect me to do, then?”

Me: “I need you to either credit my account or refund my money.”

Operator: “But I can’t do that without a receipt number. Without a receipt number, we have no record of the payment.”

Me: “I was never given a receipt number! The only record I have of it is on my online statement. I sent that to you and it has the name of your company and the amount I paid.”

Operator: “There’s nothing more I can do to help you without you giving me a receipt number. If you have an issue with the payment then I suggest you take it up with your bank. Goodbye!” *hangs up*

(After over a week of issues with the part of our cable service that allows us to rent movies and TV shows through the system, I decide to call the company and see if they are having a problem.)

Me: “Hi, I am calling because for the past 7-10 days we have been having intermittent issues with ordering. We have rebooted our boxes and the cable line running into and through the house has been fully updated. There is no pattern to the problem and it is all the boxes. Could you please check to see if there is a problem on your end?”

Agent #1: “I need to send out a tech to check your lines.”

Me: “We have had everything upgraded, and techs were in a couple months ago and the house is fine.”

Agent #1: “Your cable cannot support a signal. I need to send out a tech.”

Me:  ”Our cable CAN support a signal. It is the newest cable designed for the signal and I have been seeing work crews in the region.”

Agent #1: “Let me schedule you for that tech to replace your lines.”

(We go on like this for a few more minutes. All he had to do was check the records and he would have seen that we had all new lines in the house and running to the house. I finally hang up and called back.)

Agent #2: “How may I help you?”

(I explain what is happening to the second agent.)

Agent #2: “Okay, I have your location and yes, there is a service interruption for that part of the service. We have a large banner scrolling on top of each of our screens telling us NOT to dispatch technicians for these calls as it is not a house line issue. It is an issue on our end. We are trying to find where the disruption is which is why you are seeing mobile crews all over your area.”

Me: “So, I guess the first agent was not even looking at his computer?”

Agent #2: “Absolutely not!”

(This happened a few years ago. My aunt’s house caught fire, and she lost literally everything. The shell of the house mostly survived but everything inside the house was destroyed. Among her difficult tasks, she called the cable company to cancel her account.)

Aunt: “My home burned down and I’m going to be moving away. I need to terminate my cable account.”

Representative: “You’ll need to return the cable box in order to close your account.”

Aunt: “The box was destroyed in the fire, just like everything else in the house.”

Representative: “We can’t terminate your account unless you return the box.”

Aunt: “I’m not sure what part of ‘my house burned down’ you’re not understanding. The box is gone. The fire originated in the part of the living room where the television was, so it was all destroyed.”

Representative: “It makes no difference. Unless you give us back the cable box, your account will remain open and you will continue to be charged for services.”

Aunt: “Well, if you can find it, you can have it!”

Related:
Where There’s Smoke, There’s Getting Fired

(I am the submitter of Wireless and Clueless. My other users are similarly… challenged. Today, I hear a lot of slamming and bashing. So, I follow the sound to the printer at the end of my aisle, where one of my trouble users is kicking and slamming the printer.)

Coworker: “F***ing thing won’t print!”

Me: “Dude. Calm down. Beating it up won’t help.”

Coworker: “But it won’t print! I need this report to be submitted today, but this f***ing thing won’t print!”

Me: “Does the display say ‘PC Load Letter’?”

Coworker: “Yeah. But what the f*** does that mean?”

Me: “What does the next line say?”

Coworker: “Tray 4.”

Me: “Uh huh…”

Coworker: “Where’s tray 4?”

Me: “It’s the big door at the bottom.”

Coworker: “I didn’t put paper there.”

Me: “That’s where the printer wants it. Give it what it wants.”

Coworker: “Are you sure this is a printer, and not my girlfriend?”

Operator: “Hello, my name is [name]. How can I help you with your inquires with [company] today?”

Me: “I was actually given wrong information by your department for my public transport cone coin card. I was told it was fine to use my health care card to show I was entitled to concession fare, but apparently that’s not true I’ve been hit with a $200 fine. I’d like to see about applying for a concession card and help with getting the fine waived as I was provided incorrect information.”

Operator: “But you just need to show your health care card. That’s enough.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it isn’t. There’s a $200 fine here that disagrees with you.”

Operator: “But the health care card shows you are entitled to concession fare.”

Me: “That’s what I was told and I was still fined. I’ve spoken to the rail company. They said that the health care card wasn’t enough.”

Operator: “Obviously, they have no idea what they’re talking about!”

Me: “There’s also a pamphlet by your organisation that explains this. Apparently, the health care card is good for concession in every other state but mine.”

Operator: “But the health care card is…” *sighs* “What do you want ME to do about it?!”

Me: “I need to apply for the concession card and I need help getting this fine waived as it was provided with wrong information.”

Operator: “It might be easier if you just paid it. You must have been doing something wrong.”

Me: “$200 is half my fortnightly payment. I can’t afford that, and I’m not inclined to pay it as I was given it based on wrong information given by your organisation.”

Operator: “You’re not being very helpful here. There’s nothing I can do if you’re not helpful!” *hangs up*

Related:
What The Sell Is Her Problem
What The Heel Is His Problem