(This happened a few years ago. My aunt’s house caught fire, and she lost literally everything. The shell of the house mostly survived but everything inside the house was destroyed. Among her difficult tasks, she called the cable company to cancel her account.)

Aunt: “My home burned down and I’m going to be moving away. I need to terminate my cable account.”

Representative: “You’ll need to return the cable box in order to close your account.”

Aunt: “The box was destroyed in the fire, just like everything else in the house.”

Representative: “We can’t terminate your account unless you return the box.”

Aunt: “I’m not sure what part of ‘my house burned down’ you’re not understanding. The box is gone. The fire originated in the part of the living room where the television was, so it was all destroyed.”

Representative: “It makes no difference. Unless you give us back the cable box, your account will remain open and you will continue to be charged for services.”

Aunt: “Well, if you can find it, you can have it!”

Related:
Where There’s Smoke, There’s Getting Fired

(I am the submitter of Wireless and Clueless. My other users are similarly… challenged. Today, I hear a lot of slamming and bashing. So, I follow the sound to the printer at the end of my aisle, where one of my trouble users is kicking and slamming the printer.)

Coworker: “F***ing thing won’t print!”

Me: “Dude. Calm down. Beating it up won’t help.”

Coworker: “But it won’t print! I need this report to be submitted today, but this f***ing thing won’t print!”

Me: “Does the display say ‘PC Load Letter’?”

Coworker: “Yeah. But what the f*** does that mean?”

Me: “What does the next line say?”

Coworker: “Tray 4.”

Me: “Uh huh…”

Coworker: “Where’s tray 4?”

Me: “It’s the big door at the bottom.”

Coworker: “I didn’t put paper there.”

Me: “That’s where the printer wants it. Give it what it wants.”

Coworker: “Are you sure this is a printer, and not my girlfriend?”

Operator: “Hello, my name is [name]. How can I help you with your inquires with [company] today?”

Me: “I was actually given wrong information by your department for my public transport cone coin card. I was told it was fine to use my health care card to show I was entitled to concession fare, but apparently that’s not true I’ve been hit with a $200 fine. I’d like to see about applying for a concession card and help with getting the fine waived as I was provided incorrect information.”

Operator: “But you just need to show your health care card. That’s enough.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it isn’t. There’s a $200 fine here that disagrees with you.”

Operator: “But the health care card shows you are entitled to concession fare.”

Me: “That’s what I was told and I was still fined. I’ve spoken to the rail company. They said that the health care card wasn’t enough.”

Operator: “Obviously, they have no idea what they’re talking about!”

Me: “There’s also a pamphlet by your organisation that explains this. Apparently, the health care card is good for concession in every other state but mine.”

Operator: “But the health care card is…” *sighs* “What do you want ME to do about it?!”

Me: “I need to apply for the concession card and I need help getting this fine waived as it was provided with wrong information.”

Operator: “It might be easier if you just paid it. You must have been doing something wrong.”

Me: “$200 is half my fortnightly payment. I can’t afford that, and I’m not inclined to pay it as I was given it based on wrong information given by your organisation.”

Operator: “You’re not being very helpful here. There’s nothing I can do if you’re not helpful!” *hangs up*

Related:
What The Sell Is Her Problem
What The Heel Is His Problem

(This happens while I am still a teenager living at home with my mother. One afternoon, I get a call on my cellphone.)

Representative: “Hello, this is [name] with [different electric co. than the one we use]. I’m sure you were shocked by your electrics bill this month!”

Me: “Actually, no. My mum is the one who’d have handled that bill seeing as I still live at home.”

Representative: “Oh, I’m sorry. Can you put your mother on the phone, please?”

Me: “Uh, no. You called me on my private cell number and I’m at work right now.”

Representative: “Right, so when would be a good time for us to call you back?”

Me: “Umm, I’d really rather you don’t call MY personal cell back at all. Call our home phone or my mother’s cell if you must, though I doubt she’s interested in your offer.”

Representative: “Okay, we’ll do that.” *click*

(Around the same time the next day, I get another call.)

Representative: “Hello, this is [other name] with [rival electric company]. I’m sure you were shocked by your electrics bill this month!”

Me: “Look, I just went over this with your colleague yesterday. I still live with my mum, so she deals with this kind of stuff, yet you keep calling me on my personal cellphone. Please just call our home phone and remove this number from your file, okay?”

Representative: “Um, okay.” *click*

(Sure enough, around the same time the next day…)

Representative: “Hello, this is [other name] with [rival electric company]. I’m sure you—”

Me: “Okay, let me stop you right there ’cause I’m getting kind of tired of this. This is the third time you’ve called me instead of my parents, even though I’m pretty sure I can’t even legally accept any offer you might have. How did you even get this number?”

Representative: “Um, well, there’s this new legislation that allows us to get the account holder’s number on file from your current electric company.”

Me: “Right. In that case the primary phone number would definitely have been our home phone which you don’t seem to have, and I very much doubt my cellphone is on there even as a secondary contact, given that I’m still a minor and all. Now how did you really get my number?”

Representative: “Um… right, I… I can see that you’re not interested. Thank you very much for your time.” *click*

(Thankfully I didn’t receive any more calls after that!)

(I work at a call center for a company that sells phone, internet, and TV services. I work in Billing and Ordering. On this particular day, I receive a call from Tech Support. Note: Tech is often pawning their job on us, as sending a technician out hurts their stats.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]; how can I help you today?”

Tech: “Hi, I’m on the other line with a customer. Basically, his service hasn’t been working for weeks. We’ve sent out technicians so many times that they’re refusing to go to his location anymore. I need you to send out a new install technician.”

Me: “I don’t have the power to do that. I can send out a technician if the customer needs a new jack or outlet, but I don’t have power to send out a new install tech.”

Tech: “Yes you do. You need to disconnect this customer’s service and set up a new account so he can get someone out there.”

Me: “Sending a technician out is your job, but let me see what I can do…”

(At this point, I put the tech on hold and talk to my manager, as the situation sounds suspicious.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I talked to my manager and he informed me that it’s illegal to disconnect and reconnect services like that. He also informed me that a technician can’t just refuse to go to a customer’s location.”

Tech: “Let me speak to your manager, because it’s not going to be that easy!”

Me: “Give me one moment…”

(My manager is already prepared to take the call.)

Manager: “Sir, I can not… no, WILL NOT allow someone in my department to commit sales fraud. We will not sell a customer a service they already have. That’s illegal and could get the company in a lot of trouble. Do your job and stop trying to get MY reps fired!”

(My manager then escalated the call to the tech manager, who fired the tech on the spot!)