(I’ve purchased a lottery ticket a few days before and, since the drawing has run, I go into [convenience store] to check my ticket against the winning numbers. Much to my surprise, I’ve won $10. I therefore go up to the clerk to cash in my ticket.)

Me: “Hi, could you check my ticket, please?”

Clerk: *condescendingly* “These never win.”

Me: “Sure seems that way, doesn’t it?  You never know, though!”

Clerk: *sing-song voice* “You’re not gonna wi-in…”

Me: “Could you just check it, please?”

Clerk: “Well, all right, but don’t come crying to me if… oh, wow! You won $10!”

Me: “See? Sometimes they do win!”

Clerk: *incredulously* “These never win!”

(He was still repeating that as I left the store!)

(Many years ago our store switched from clocking in on the registers to clocking in using a backroom computer. About two months after this change, we got a new cardboard template to put around the F keys on the keyboard. The template had a big arrow pointing to the NumLock key by the number pad, with a message in large letters: “If your employee ID numbers do not appear on the clock-in screen, press this button.”)

Me: *to the manager* “You’re kidding.”

Manager: “Nope. 23% of the calls to the help desk.”

(Note: I am the author of this story, and this is the same coworker. It’s Thanksgiving, and because he doesn’t celebrate it, he has agreed to come in two hours early so I can make my family’s Thanksgiving dinner on time. I am the only one in the shop, and because we are one of the only places open, the line wraps around the entire store. I have been at the register all day, unable to tend to coffee or cleaning, and unable to take a break. An hour after I was supposed to be done, my coworker has not arrived, so I call him to find out where he is, but there’s no answer. Three hours after he was supposed to arrive, an hour after the normal end of my shift, he finally shows up.)

Me: “It’s about time! I need your help. Open the other register; this line has been like this since 8am!”

Coworker: “Not yet; I need to take care of a couple things.”

(He proceeds to go into the back, where he stays for a half hour. When he finally comes out, I’m looking for an explanation as to why he was late.)

Coworker: “Oh, I forgot.”

Me: “You… forgot?”

Coworker: “Yup! I don’t celebrate this holiday, so I forgot it was today.”

Me: “But even if you weren’t coming in early, you should have been here an hour earlier! And I called you a few times; that should have been a reminder!”

Coworker: “Yeah, sorry… I was asleep.”

(Note: My shift normally ends at 2pm.)

Me: “You were… asleep.”

Coworker: “Yeah! I had a long night, so I slept in! I guess I forgot it’s Thanksgiving.”

Me: “But you were an hour late!”

Coworker: “Oops!”

Related:
Of Microwaves And Microbrains

(One of my coworkers was not the brightest bulb in the box. He comes in one day with some leftovers in a paper box that has a metal handle. He puts it in the store’s industrial microwave and walks away. When I smell smoke, I rush over to the microwave as my coworker comes back over.)

Coworker: “What’s going on?”

Me: “You put metal in the microwave.”

Coworker: “So?”

Me: “You aren’t supposed to do that.”

Coworker: “I’m not?”

Me: “Haven’t you ever heard you don’t put metal in the microwave?”

Coworker: “No?”

Me: “…Okay, you’re not allowed to use the microwave anymore.”

Related:
If You Can’t Stand The Heat, Stay Out Of The Microwave

(I’m making a small purchase at a local convenience store. With my purchases, I am using a $1 off coupon. Before the coupon is applied, my total comes to $6.66.)

Cashier: “That will be $5.66, please.”

Me: “Okay.” *makes payment*

(The cashier prints my receipt and notices the pre-coupon total for the first time.)

Cashier: “Oh, it’s a good thing you used that coupon. It had been $6.66. You would’ve had to have bought something more!”

Me: “No, it’s fine. I’m not superstitious.”

Cashier: “Well, I am. I wouldn’t have allowed that on my machine. I would’ve made you buy something else!”

Me: *speechless*