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    Security Insecurity

    | TN, USA | Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (I work at a rural convenience store. Several other stores in a nearby town had been robbed during the overnight shift, and a new policy has been instituted in order to help identify thieves when they are caught. However, this will only work if the thieves don’t know about it, so we’re forbidden to tell the customers. I usually work third shift, but on this occasion I am covering second for a vacationing coworker.)

    Coworker: *to a customer* “…so, see, that way we’ll know they’re the ones who robbed us.”

    (The customer leaves.)

    Me: “Hey, dude, you’re not supposed to tell people that!”

    Coworker: “So? It’s not like I’m going to get robbed. They only rob the overnight.”

    Me: “[Coworker]! I might get robbed!”

    Coworker: “Oh, yeah…”

    You’ll Have The Devil To Pay

    | USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre/Silly, Employees, Religion, Theme Of The Month

    (I decide to stop at a convenience store for some snacks.)

    Cashier: “So, how has your day been?”

    Me: “It’s been alright. I just worked a six-hour shift and I’m about to head back. I just got these snacks for my break. I have another seven-hour shift ahead of me! I’m just so glad these [sports drinks] are on sale!”

    Cashier: “Ugh, good luck! Okay, your total will be… $6.66. Do you want to buy something else so that’s not your total?”

    Me: “No, thanks. I don’t really mind, and I only have $7 anyway.”

    Cashier: “Please buy a pack of gum or something!”

    Me: “I really don’t have enough money for that.”

    Cashier: “Then I’ll remove one of these drinks from your purchases! It will be fine!”

    Me: “But I need those for myself, my coworker, and my boss! They’ll be pissed if I don’t bring them! Just ring me up for $6.66! I really don’t care!”

    Cashier: *takes my $7* “OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BE THY NAME…”

    (She shouts the whole prayer incredibly dramatically while counting out my change.)

    Me: *takes change silently*

    Cashier: “DON’T RETURN, DEVIL CHILD!”

    Me: “No problem, lady!”

    Almost Spilled Out Of Control

    | Australia | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Employees, Food & Drink

    (I am in a convenience store, and a young girl walks in with two of her friends. The young girl goes over to the counter and orders a frozen drink. After she has filled her cup, I see her walking back to the middle of the store to her friends, and a large bit of ice that was standing on her drink falls over. She looks up somewhat amused, and we both smile at each other, because it is rather funny. She then walks over to the register again.)

    Young Girl: “Excuse me, do you have any napkins?”

    Employee: “No, sorry.”

    Young Girl: “Oh, well, I’m sorry but I’ve just spilt some of my drink on your floor.”

    Employee: “DON’T DO THAT NEXT TIME!”

    Young Girl: *slightly irritated at the employee’s rudeness* “Well, look, it’s not like I did it on purpose, okay? It was an accident. I came over here and asked for something to clean it up with so I could clean it myself, but you don’t have anything, and that’s not my fault.”

    Employee: *embarrassed* “I’m… sorry…”

    The Blessing Becomes A Curse

    | ME, USA | Bigotry, Coworkers, Religion

    (A couple with a very pronounced Southern accent come in and purchase a few things. They’re very polite and the transaction goes far more smoothly than most.)

    Me: “And here is your change. Thank you, sir!”

    Customer: “Nah, thank you darlin’! Y’all have a blessed day now!”

    (After they leave, my coworker turns to me with a look of disgust.)

    Coworker: “Can you believe that?”

    Me: “What?”

    Coworker: “I can’t believe you didn’t say anything!”

    Me: “About what?”

    Coworker: “About what he said to you!” *mockingly imitating the customer’s accent* “‘Y’all have a blessed day;’ that’s so offensive! I mean, you’re atheist! He was imposing his beliefs on you!”

    Me: “Not really. I mean, I appreciate what you’re saying, but there was no way for him to know I’m an atheist. Besides, he was just trying to spread good will and kindness in wishing me a day with blessings from what he believes is the highest authority. He was just being a good Christian. It’s not like he lectured me.”

    Coworker: “He didn’t have to force it on you like that though! We have freedom of religion in this country for a reason! And if he really was a good Christian, he’d have a beard to go with that mustache. It’s in Leviathan.”

    Me: “I think you should probably just kind of stop. Go clean the soda fountain or something.”

    Coworker: “But the First Amendment—”

    Me: “—has nothing to do with soda. Now, scoot.”

    Don’t Quit Your Daedric Job

    | LA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre/Silly, Geeks Rule

    (It’s a slow day, so I start doodling on our notepad. A customer walks in as I’m drawing.)

    Customer: “What are you doing?” frowns at the doodle* “Is he supposed to be jumping rope?”

    Me: “Intestines, actually.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Have you ever played any of the Elder Scrolls games?”

    Customer: “Oh! It’s going to be Sheogorath!”

    Me: *nod* “He’s my favorite NPC.”

    Customer: “Yeah, he says the most random things.”

    Me: “Yes and my favorite is—” *I throw my hands in the air and then shout* “—CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!”

    (At that exact moment, another customer walks in. She stares at me a moment and the other customer laughs.)

    Me: “Er, I promise I’m not crazy. We were talking about a game character and he shouts that. He’s the god of madness and he loves cheese!”


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