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    The Wrong D Word

    | Montreal, QC, Canada | Employees, Family & Kids

    (I am at the reception office, updating my record. I’m 24.)

    Receptionist #1: “So, the person to call in case of emergency is still [Father] at [address]?”

    Me: “Hmm.. no. Can you keep the same address but change the name for [Mother]?”

    Receptionist #1: “Oh! Mrs. kicked out Mr.!”

    Me: *in shock* “Hum… no… It’s more like… he’s dead.”

    (Receptionist #2 turned her head to the first one, more in shock that I was. Needless to say, Receptionist #1 kept quiet for the rest of the procedure.)

    Has You In Stitches

    | MI, USA | Awesome Workers, Employees, Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (My sister is giving birth and having a very hard time pushing the baby out. Her midwife is snarky and sarcastic, playfully antagonizing the baby for not pulling his weight in the process. We called her ‘nurse Juno’ because of her sense of humor. The baby finally comes out, leaving my poor sister with a third degree tear. My sister cries, when the midwife examines her and says:)

    Nurse Juno: “WHOOPS! We’ve got a vass-hole! D*** it, Junior! Someone, bring me my sewing kit!”

    (Hysterical laughter ensued. My sister was stitched up and recovered nicely!)

    Got Their Flatlines Crossed

    | Bethpage, NY, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (My wife is in labor with our first child. The fetal heart monitor has flat-lined. I rush into the hallway and find the nurses drinking coffee at their desk.)

    Me: “My baby’s heart is flatlined. We need help right away!”

    (They take their time to come down the hall. By the time they arrive, the baby’s heart is beating again. They check the records.)

    Nurse: “The machine was acting up. It was nothing.”

    (About five minutes later, the monitor flatlines again. This time the nurses come running. The doctor approaches me.)

    Doctor: “The baby is in distress. We could lose the baby and we could quite possibly lose your wife. What do you think we should do?”

    Me: *flabbergasted* “I think one of us went to medical school, and I sure as h*** hope it was you!”

    (My wife had no further complications and we are proud parents to a healthy baby girl.)

    Saying It Over And Ovarian

    | Long Beach, CA, USA | Employees, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive, Religion, Top

    (I have to have a hysterectomy due to severe endometriosis and ovarian cysts. I am literally slowly bleeding to death. I am 42, and I never had or wanted children. The disease has rendered me completely sterile, so the point is moot. As I’m checking into the hospital for pre-lab work, the nurse examining me chirps in.)

    Nurse: “You know this surgery will make you sterile?”

    Me: “Yes, I know, but I’m already sterile from the disease anyway.”

    Nurse: “That means you can’t have a baby.”

    Me: “Fine, I know. I don’t want any.”

    (This goes on back and forth until the nurse is practically shouting at me about how a hysterectomy means that I ‘can’t make widdle adowable babieeees.’ Once all the lab work is done, I high-tail it out of there, thinking that the nurse is a few bricks shy of a load. Fast forward to four days later, the morning of my surgery. Sure enough, it’s that same nurse.)

    Nurse: “You realize you won’t be able to have children after the surgery?”

    Me: “Yes, I know. I never wanted any. Never will.”

    Nurse: “Are you sure you don’t want to have one before the surgery? We can tell the doctor you want to postpone the operation!”

    Me: “I am having the surgery to save my life as I keep hemorrhaging! I know I won’t have a child after they remove my uterus, Fallopian tubes, and ovaries. I’m sterile now. I’ve always been sterile, and I do NOT want a baby!”

    Nurse: *huffs at me* “Well! You know your godly duty as a woman is to have children! You’re going to Hell!”

    (Yup, I reported her to my surgeon before I went under the knife and I didn’t see that nurse for the rest of my hospital stay.)

    Has A Bone To Pick With Your Prognosis

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Bad Behavior, Employees, Health & Body, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I’d fallen on my hand while being slung playing a local game of AFL football. After waiting for over two hours in the emergency room and having an x-ray on my wrist I finally get to talk to the doctor.)

    Doctor: “Well, it doesn’t look like you’ve hurt yourself, so you can leave.”

    Me: “Do you mind if I have a look? I’m studying exercise rehabilita—”

    Doctor: “I do mind. It’s a busy Saturday and I don’t care to have my opinion verified by you.”

    (She finally gives me something for the pain and I get a lift home. On Monday morning I get an interesting phone call.)

    Caller: “Hi, this is the head of radiology at the hospital. We were just reviewing the x-rays from your emergency. We need you to come in as you’ve actually broken a bone in your wrist.”

    (I was in the hospital by mid-afternoon and in surgery two days later to pin my scaphoid back together. Luckily I didn’t need a bone transplant from my hip. Turns out she thought it was two separate bones. It was nice to have the head of radiology make a cast for me, though, with his sincere apologies!)


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