• Very Genderal Humor
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    Very Genderal Humor

    | USA | Employees, Health & Body

    (A good friend of mine is female-to-male (FTM) transgender, and because of consistent hormone use, he looks nothing like a female anymore. He even wears a big, bushy beard, and so is never mistaken for a female. However, transitional surgeries are expensive, and as such, he still has his original female organs.  One night he is stricken with abdominal pain, and I drive him to the ER to have it checked out. While his transitioning state is not necessary knowledge in all cases, he lets the intake nurse know, just in case it comes up as a culprit. Later in the evening, he is asked to drop his pants for one test, and the doctor is surprised by what she sees.)

    Friend: “Nobody told you I was FTM, did they?”

    Doctor: “No. No, they did not.”

    (Amused, he texts me in the waiting room about this scenario.)

    Me: “Maybe the intake nurse was punking the doctor.”

    Friend: “LOL.”

    (Later that morning, he is admitted and waiting the results of more tests when he texts me to come sit with him in his room. There, he tells me about the conversation that he had with the doctor who took his CT scans:)

    Doctor: “Sooo… I got the images back from your scans and, well… we may have to have an awkward conversation…”

    (My friend, who has been sitting in the ER with mysterious pain for a good nine hours at this point, is apprehensive.)

    Doctor: “We have several possibilities as to what is causing this pain. It might be your appendix, which is ever-so-slightly inflamed. Or… it may be cysts… on your ovaries…”

    (There’s a pause as my friend grins at the doctor’s strange tone.)

    Friend: “Nobody told you I was FTM, did they?”

    Doctor: “No, they did not. That’s a relief, though. I thought I was going to have to tell you that you have ovaries!”

    (I still maintain that those ER doctors were punking each other!)

    Brain Offline

    | Anderson, IN, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Technology

    (My grandparents do not have a computer, and live in a rural area. It is a long way to the closest library with a computer lab. My grandfather is scheduled to have a surgery and has been getting automated phone calls from the hospital telling him to go to their website to fill out a form. He can’t go to the website, but he can’t explain that on the phone. He and my grandmother finally decide to go to the hospital and talk to someone. My grandmother can be very aggressive and does all the talking.)

    Receptionist: “How can I help you?”

    Grandmother: “My husband is supposed to have eye surgery in a few weeks. We’ve been getting phone calls telling us to go online and fill out some form, but we do not have a computer and can’t fill out the form.”

    Receptionist: “Then you need to call the automated help line. You can locate the number on our website.”

    Grandmother: “We can’t go to the website! We don’t have a computer.”

    Receptionist: “If you’re having trouble filling out the form, you need to call the helpline. The phone number is on our website if you’d just—”

    Grandmother: “Can’t you just give us the number for the helpline?”

    Receptionist: “It’s really very easy to find on the website. When you get to our homepage, there is a box in the top right corner with the helpline phone number.”

    Grandmother: “You’re not understanding what I’m saying! We cannot go to the website because we do not have a computer! Is there some other way to do the form?”

    Receptionist: “The only way to complete the form without doing it online is through the helpline. The number is on the website.”

    Grandmother: “I know it’s on the website! You keep saying that!”

    Receptionist: “Then I don’t see what the problem is. I’ve told you where to find the helpline. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Grandmother: “You didn’t help us at all!”

    (Finally another receptionist showed up, hearing my grandmother yelling. She got on the website and helped my grandfather fill out the form right there. The other receptionist acted like she had no idea why my grandmother was mad at her.)

    Will Need To Pay For The Heart Attack Too

    | TN, USA | Employees, Health & Body, Money

    (I’ve been having health issues, so I’m due for surgery. I call to make a payment on an exploratory surgery that was mandatory for the next to happen.)

    Me: “Hi! I’d like to pay $20 on my bill.”

    Employee: *takes payment* “Okay. Here’s your confirmation code.”

    Me: “Thanks.”

    (I hand up and thinks that’s the end of it when the employee calls back.)

    Employee: “Sorry. Your $20 isn’t good enough. You need to pay $512 dollars before your surgery date or we’ll have to postpone.”

    Me: “What?! I don’t have that kind of money!”

    Employee: “But you need to pay that or we’ll postpone.”

    Me: “Is there nothing I can do? I NEED this surgery!”

    Employee: “Ma’am, your surgery isn’t medically necessary, so we can postpone if you don’t pay.”

    (I ended up having a panic attack and the woman canceled my $20 payment. Luckily the next person I spoke to was much nicer and was horrified the other woman had said my surgery wasn’t necessary!)

    Can’t Get Ovary It

    | France | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I have a huge ovarian cyst to be removed and I feel worried, even though I try not to show it. The surgeons need to know precisely how it looks and there’s no MRI equipment in my hospital so I’m having an MRI scan in another hospital. Everything goes smoothly. Then a doctor shows me my results.)

    Doctor: “You see? Your cyst is nearly 8 inches long!”

    Me: “Yes, I know.”

    Doctor: “It’s huge! You need it to be removed!”

    Me: “I know. I’m going to show the images to my doctor.”

    Doctor: “You don’t seem to understand: your cyst is abnormally big. You need surgery as soon as possible!”

    Me: “Yes, I know. The surgeon who’ll remove it told me she needs MRI images, so can I please go home with my results now?”

    Doctor: “You should worry.”

    Me: “Will the cyst disappear faster if I worry?”

    (Captain Obvious, I mean, the doctor let me leave with my images. I gave the cyst a funny nickname because I wanted something to joke about and make the nursing staff smile, even though I was worried. I had surgery shortly afterwards. It was painful and I had an ovary removed with my cyst but I’m fine now.)

    Think Before You Ink

    | McCook, NE, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees, Health & Body

    (I go into a doctor’s surgery about a terrible cough.)

    Doctor: “Right, we just need to look you over; won’t be a minute.”

    (After a quick examination, I see him frowning.)

    Me: “What is it?”

    Doctor: “You need to get tested for HIV and hepatitis.”

    Me: *as I am a virgin* “What?!”

    Doctor: “Your tattoo. You may have had a dirty needle poking you. I need the address of where you got that.”

    Me: “Listen, I—”

    Doctor: “And since you have tattoos, it’s likely you’ve used drugs at one point, so we need to check you for HIV.”

    Me: “Look—”

    Doctor: “You young people think you’re never getting these diseases, but you do; I’ve seen a LOT of young people who got illnesses from needles—”

    Me: “It’s a rub-on!”

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