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    Should Have A Brain Scan

    | CA, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (This takes place in the early ‘90s. Our office has changed computer systems and has new terminals. On the front of the terminal is a green power light.)

    Coworker #1: “What’s the light for?”

    Coworker #2: “It is a retinal security system. You have to put your eye to it each time you login: morning, lunch, or break.”

    (A week later.)

    Supervisor: “[Coworker #1], what the f*** are you doing with your eye to the terminal?!”

    Interview Boo Hoo

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Job Seekers

    Caller: “Hello, is this [My Name]?”

    Me: “It is.”

    Caller: “We’ve found your CV online and wanted to get in touch as we think you’d be a perfect fit as one of our consultants at [Insurance Agency].”

    (While the caller continues their spiel about how the job will suit my skills I check the company online, and find they’re actually the same company that called me several years earlier offering the exact same position when I was last looking for work.)

    Caller: “…and so we’d like to have you come in for an interview this Friday. What time would work for you?”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I’m not available on Friday.”

    Caller: “Not a problem, sir! What time on Monday can you come in?”

    Me: “I can’t do Monday either.”

    Caller: “Okay, we’ll see you Tuesday then.”

    Me: “Can’t do Tuesday.”

    Caller: “Wednesday?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Caller: “Thursday?”

    Me: “Nope.”

    Caller: “Why not?”

    Me: “I’m in the process of moving out of state. I actually stated that in the cover letter I posted with my CV.”

    Caller: “Really?”

    Me: “I also put my new address on my CV, which is not anywhere near where you said you were located.”

    (I hear key taps over the phone.)

    Caller: “Oh… uh… so you did. Funny, it says on your profile you’re still in Washington.”

    Me: “Well, I am, for another two weeks or so. I must have forgotten to change that as well.”

    Caller: “Well, that’s no problem! We also have offices near your new residence so you can come in and interview next week at—”

    Me: “Okay, let me stop you right there. You guys actually called me about a consulting position before, three years ago, and hassled me that it’d lead to a promotion and the likelihood of running my own office in six months. I gave you the benefit of a doubt and attended one of your interviews… whereupon you made me and twenty other people sit through an endless lecture of how successful you are and how we’d be idiots not to work for you. Then, when you actually took me aside to speak with me privately, you told me I’d have to first shell out $1,500 for my insurance license before I could even be hired and agree to work on commission. Yeah, thanks, but unless you can guarantee this is not going to be another complete waste of my time I’m not interested.”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    As Lazy As A-B-C

    | Ontario, Canada | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, New Hires, Theme Of The Month

    (I’m 20 at the time and training a temp worker who was in her 40s.)

    Me: “Okay, so all the claims are filed first by the year the loss occurred, then alphabetically by last name. Any questions?”

    New Hire: “Nope, it’s pretty standard.”

    (A few hours later…)

    Me: “[New Hire], can you please find these three files for me?”

    New Hire: “Okay, found them.”

    (I look at the new hire’s empty hands.)

    Me: “…Where are they?”

    New Hire: “Right where they should be: Smith is under ‘S’, Jones is under ‘J’, and Anderson is under ‘A’.”

    Dying To Insure You

    | CA, USA | Bad Behavior, Employees

    Caller: “Hi, this is John from [insurance company]. I would like inform you of our current insurance rate and advantages.”

    Me: “That’s alright; I don’t need insurance at the moment, but thank you.”

    Caller: “But, if you would just let me tell you about the benefits we provide and low rates we are offering today…”

    Me: “No, thank you.”

    Caller: “Well, I hope you don’t die!” *hangs up*

    Process Of Elimination

    | Australia | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Criminal/Illegal, Money, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (I work for a particularly large financial company. On this particular day, I happen to be processing problem cases. This one has taken me all morning, and by lunch I realize that there had been a serious mistake made by another branch in the country. It’s probably going to require a compensation of at least $100,000 to the client, so I call my manager over.)

    Manager: “What is it?”

    Me: “Well, short version: someone at [branch] messed up really, really badly. This is going to be one huge escalation. Realistically, it’s probably going to cost someone their job.”

    Manager: “Oh wow… okay. Let’s see who messed up.”

    (He goes back to his workstation to check the history of the case. When he finds the person who had processed it, he goes pale and comes back to me.)

    Manager: “Um… so, you know that case?”

    Me: “Yep? Who do we need to speak to about it?”

    Manager: “Uh… is it possible for you to just let this one go?”

    Me: “Um, not legally, no. We messed up, and probably need to offer some serious compensation before the client goes to their lawyers. Protocol says the next step is to—”

    Manager: “I know protocol! Okay, this is what I need you to do. Can you change the name on the process to say that you processed it?”

    Me: “What? Why?!”

    Manager: “Um, yeah… just do it, okay?”

    (With that, he walks away looking very pale and immediately grabs his phone and walks out of the office. I sit in shock for a few moments then go and check for myself who had processed the case: it was his daughter. When he comes back, I refuse to take the fall for the serious error. He blows up at me and threatens to fire me on the spot. However, I report it all to the state manager. That’s not the end of the story, though: it was discovered that they had been stealing money from the company for the last six months! The daughter slipped up, causing the mistake that I had been working on fixing. They were both fired and were up on criminal charges. Last I heard, he was in jail. Apparently, it wasn’t the first job he had stolen from.)


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