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    Troubleshooting Has Bad Aim

    | VA, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I call my Internet provider because my service is off-line. I navigate through an automated menu that has me confirm my service is totally dead and I am unable to get online. I’m put on hold to wait for a technician.)

    Recorded Message: “While you wait, you may review our troubleshooting tips online at www. …”

    Me: *to myself* “WHY did I just spend two minutes confirming my Internet was off-line?”

    Advertise Despise

    | England, UK | Employees, Transportation

    (I’ve bought my daughter a gift online. As it gets closer and closer to her birthday I get more and more impatient that it hasn’t turned up. The estimated delivery date has long passed, the company has told me that it has shipped, but still no parcel. One day a slip comes through the door; I’ve missed a delivery! I drive clear across town and get to the depot just before closing.)

    Checking Clerk: “ID, please.”

    (I hand over my license.)

    Checking Clerk: “Hmm, what were you expecting?”

    Me: “A parcel… A gift, actually.”

    Checking Clerk: “Hmm. I think you might be out of luck.”

    (She disappears into another room, and I wonder what she meant, fearing briefly that they had somehow lost my parcel.)

    Checking Clerk: “Here you are. Sorry.”

    (She hands me a tube. I stand there for a moment. It wasn’t what I was expecting.)

    Checking Clerk: *sympathetically* “We’ve had loads of them; there’s a pile of them in the next room.”

    (I left and tore off the tape. Sitting inside was a leaflet: a small leaflet put inside a much larger box. Apparently my Internet service provider thought it would be a great advertising campaign to send out a load of leaflets that don’t fit through a letter box. Needless to say I had a few strongly worded sentiments and had myself removed from their advertising system.)

    A Tidal Wave Of Bad Excuses

    | UK | Employees, Lazy/Unhelpful, Liars/Scammers, Technology

    (We’ve had bad service with our Internet company for a while. Every time we call, they give us a different excuse. Normally it is just usual stuff about technical problems.)

    ISP: “Hi there. This is [Name] from [ISP]. How can I help you?”

    Me: “Hi, I’m calling because our Internet keeps cutting out. It’s been doing this for a while and every time we’re reassured it will be sorted out soon.”

    ISP: “Ah. I apologise, ma’am. That’s because of the tsunami in Japan.”

    Me: “… What?”

    ISP: “That’s why the service is a little unstable, but it’ll be back to normal in no time!”

    Me: “This company is based in the UK, right?”

    ISP: “That’s correct.”

    Me: “Then how is the tsunami in Japan related?”


    Cancelling Themselves Out

    | UK | Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Theme Of The Month

    (I ring up to cancel my ISP. The bills have grown year on year and the quality has decreased at the same rate.)

    Me: “Yes, I would like to cancel my service.”

    Cancellation Department: “What if I offered you half-price sports channels for six months?”

    Me: “Not interested. I want to cancel my service.”

    Cancellation Department: “I see you have the high definition service. I could give that to you for free for a year.”

    Me: “No, sorry. I want to cancel my service.”

    Cancellation Department: “Won’t your family miss all the great channels and entertainment?”

    Me: “No. Please cancel my service.”

    Cancellation Department: “Can I ask why you are cancelling? Maybe there is something I can do?”

    Me: “Okay, seeing as you asked: no value for money, poor choice of programs, slow service, slow installation, inferior router, constant junk mail despite being asked not to get any, and poor customer service.”

    Cancellation Department: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m sorry to hear that. But I’m afraid that I’m having some problems opening your account. Can I call you back tomorrow?”

    Me: *sighs* “Yes, of course. Please call me on [number] between 12 and 2 or after 5 pm.”

    (Of course I never received the phone call, and when I called back, no comments were made on my account. I had to go through the whole script two more times before being transferred and my call being dropped.)

    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 3

    | IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Top

    (For some reason, I’ve been getting angry phone calls meant for someone else from an internet provider. My aunt and uncle from Oman are currently visiting when the phone rings.)

    Me: “Oh… it’s [ISP] again. I’ve told them to take me off their list a dozen times.”

    Aunt: “Try again. Maybe if you tell them—”

    Uncle: “No. Let me.”

    (My uncle answers the phone.)

    Uncle: *in Arabic* “Good evening, you insane person.”

    Caller: “Hi. I’m calling on behalf of [ISP]. We need to speak with [Name] at [other address] concerning—”

    Uncle: *still speaking Arabic* “Why do you not listen? He is not here! I am in a kitchen! The bananas are not ripe yet. My nephew’s cat does not like me! Soccer is fun to watch. My ears are on fire! My face is made of coins! There are clocks all over the ceiling.”

    Caller: *click*

    (They gave up after two more similar calls!)

    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 2
    How To Win The War Against Telemarketers

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