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  • Swearing You Into A Job
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  • The Key To Copying

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Top

    (I am the private secretary for a very wealthy and prestigious attorney. He works in entertainment law and has many famous clients. He also owns a fabulous house on the Malibu coastline and will frequently loan it out to dignitaries visiting California. It is just before a major holiday, and he is instructing the new girl who has JUST been hired.)

    Attorney: “Senator [Name] is visiting. I’ve given him permission to use the condo while I’m out of town.”

    (He hands the new girl the front door key.)

    Attorney: “I need you to have a copy made of this key to give to him. Since he is arriving late Friday, he knows he can pick up the key at the building security desk. Copy the key and leave it with the guard when you leave tonight. Put the key back in my desk drawer. I have a plane to catch. I’ll be gone the rest of next week.”

    New Girl: “Yes, sir.”

    Me: “I can take care of that if you like.”

    New Girl: “Oh, no, it’s easy. I’ll do it.”

    (It wasn’t until Monday morning that I heard what had actually happened. The senator had arrived late that night and the security guard had obligingly handed him an envelope with the law firm’s address on it and his name neatly written on the front. Inside was a sheet of paper with a PHOTOCOPIED image of the attorney’s Malibu condo key!)

    Just Over Broken-hearted

    | Utah, USA | Coworkers

    (I work at a firm that mostly practices business law and litigation, and can be very stressful. It’s been a particularly crazy week with a lot of cases, and everyone just seems happy to make it Friday.)

    Attorney: “You know, I sit at my desk and look at my friend’s [social media] site and all they do is post pictures of themselves goofing off, all day long, every dang day of the week, while I’m here, working!”

    Me: “Yeah, but you’re getting paid to be here. They’re not getting paid to goof off and post pictures.”

    Attorney: “WELL, AT LEAST THEY’RE SMILING!”

    Just Keep Working, Just Keep Working

    | Michigan, USA | Bosses & Owners, Extra Stupid, Movies & TV

    (Note: This is the same boss and same employees from this story.)

    Boss: “It’s just like that movie, Finding Nemo!”

    Me: “You’ve seen Finding Nemo?”

    Boss: “Yeah, it’s great! Especially that part where they’re swimming in the water.”

    Me: “That is literally the whole movie.”

    Dozen’t Know When To Stop

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Coworkers, Food & Drink, Themed Giveaway

    (I work in a law firm for an attorney. There is another attorney who shares the same unit, but has his own practice. The other attorney also has a ruthless sweet tooth. Since it’s nearing the holiday party, I will hide anything sweet when I bring it into the office.)

    Attorney: “Are those donuts?”

    (He’s somehow spotted the donuts in their nondescript packaging in an obscure corner of my desk buried under files.)

    Me: “Yes.”

    Attorney: “…Uh, can I have one?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    (Five minutes later, he comes back to my desk.)

    Attorney: “So, do you have any donuts left?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Attorney: “…Uhh, can I have one?”

    (Two hours later, he returns again.)

    Attorney: “So, any donuts left?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Attorney: “…Can I have one?”

    Me: *sighs* “Just take the rest.”

    Attorney: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes. It’s fine.”

    (He starts to walk off with the donuts, but stops and looks back at me.)

    Attorney: “I work out!”