(Note: I have a rare colour-blindness where purple and blue look the same.)

Doctor: “So, it looks like your colour vision is atypical. Were you aware of this?”

Me: “Yes, I’ve got protanopia.”

Doctor: “Well, unfortunately, I’m going to have to send you across to a specialist to get a full report for the paperwork. The receptionist will give you the directions to her.”

(We finish the medical check and I leave the room to talk with the receptionist.)

Receptionist: “So, it looks like you need to get your colour vision tested in detail.”

Me: “Yes, the doctor said you’d tell me where to go?”

Receptionist: “It’s very easy; to get to the colour blind test, just go outside and follow the green signs until you see a red building. Go through the purple doors, just past the blue ones.”

Me: “Um, sorry, can you give me another way to get there?”

(The receptionist looks confused and repeats the directions.)

Me: “Okay, before I go, can you confirm for me why am I going to the specialist?”

Receptionist: “You are colour blind.”

Me: “Thank you. And are those the standard directions you have for colour blind people?”

Receptionist: “Of course. They’re very easy.”

Me: “Okay, last one: are your directions based entirely upon the assumption that colour-blind people can see colour?”

Receptionist: “Oh my god! So THAT’S why they kept coming back and asking me to repeat it! I though they were all just stupid!”

(My voice mail message is a recording of me singing the chorus of “Hello” by Lionel Richie with the words changed to include my name, number, etc. On this day, I notice my doctor’s office calling, and that I already have a missed call from them. I pick up the phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Receptionist: “Wait, is this [my name]?”

Me: “Yes, this is she.”

Receptionist: “Darn it! I just called and got your voicemail, and it was so cute I called right back to hear it again! Why did you have to pick up the phone?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Receptionist: “Well, that’s okay. It is a great voicemail, though.”

Me: “Oh, uh, thanks…”

(She called back again the next day, presumably to hear my voicemail again because she didn’t leave a message!)

(I am seeing my doctor for a yearly physical. Since the last time I’ve seen her, I have come out of the closet and started dating another woman.)

Doctor: “Are you dating anyone right now?”

Me: “Yes.”


Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “What kind of birth control are you using? The Pill? Condoms?”

Me: “…Lesbianism?”

Doctor: “Oh, well that works too.”

(I have been referred to an OBGYN office by the health department, which was supposed to pay for the visit. Due to a miscommunication, I have been stuck with a $200 bill. I call the OBGYN to see what can be done, as I can not afford to pay all $200 at once.)

Me: “So, what can we do about this? If I pay all $200 today, I can’t buy food this month.”

Employee: “Oh, I understand girl; I’m right there with you. Hang on a second… let me see what we can do.”

(She puts me on hold for a few minutes.)

Employee: “Okay, what can you pay today?”

Me: “It looks like I can pay half of it today.”

Employee: “And when do you get paid again?”

Me: “I just got paid, so it will be the end of this month or the beginning of next month.”

Employee: “Okay, I’m going to charge you the $100 today, and we’re going to call it even.”

Me: “…Are you sure?! Thank you… are you sure?”

Employee: “Yes, I’m sure. Tell you what: I’ll drop it down to $75 if you’ll make a deal with me. The next time you need a gynecologist, come to our office, and tell all your friends about us.”

Me: “Okay! Are you sure? Thank you so much!”

Employee: “I’m sure. I feel sorry for you! I’ll charge you the $75 and send you a receipt.”

(I am very glad to have spoken to this employee, who made a terrible situation much better! Thank you to her!)

(I’m getting prepped for a routine surgery and the nurse is asking the usual questions: “Do you drink, smoke, etc.” It’s all going well until this…)

Nurse: “We need to do a pregnancy test, or you can sign a waver if you think you’re not pregnant.”

Me: “Um… I’m not pregnant.”

Nurse: “Well, we either need to do the test or you can sign the waver.”

Me: “Oh, fine. I’ll sign the waver.”

Nurse: “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

Me: “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

Nurse: “So you’re sure?”

Me: “I have no sex life.”

Nurse: “Well, you either need to do the pregnancy test or sign the waver.”

Me: “Look, I’m on birth control for endometriosis. I’m not pregnant. Give me the waver.”

Nurse: “Are you sure you’re not pregnant? We need to do the test.”

Me: “I. Am. On. Birth. Control.”

Nurse: “So you’ll do the test?”

Me: “NO! I’m not pregnant, unless I’m carrying the Son of God! I’m the Virgin Mary!”

Nurse: “So… you’ll take the test?”

Me: “Give me the waver. ”

Nurse: *hands me the paper reluctantly* “All right, but if you’re pregnant and something happens, I did warn you!”

Related:
Immaculate Misconception