(I’m a chronic migraine sufferer, and have been for the past 16 years. To complicate matters, I have medical reasons I can’t take certain medications including NSAIDs. This SEVERELY limits the medications I can take for my condition. When this story happens, I’ve recently switched doctors due to changing insurance. I’m in the middle of a multiple day migraine, and show up wearing sunglasses, a hood, and ear plugs. I’m also carrying a barf bag.)

Nurse #1: “Hi there! What are we seeing you for today, sweetie?”

Me: “I’m having a migraine. It’s been going on for 3 days, and I started seeing auras when I woke up this morning.”

Nurse #1: “So, a migraine huh? Ouchies! Have you ever experienced this before?”

Me: “At least once a week for the past 16 years.”

Nurse #1: “Now, are you sure they’re migraines? Sinus headaches can feel really bad too.”

Me: “Yes, I’m sure. I went through the full diagnosis with [other doctor's office], and further, sinus headaches aren’t known to cause visual migraine symptoms, which I currently have. All of this is listed in my chart.”

Nurse #1: “Okay, migraine. Well, what about [medication] as an injectable today?”

Me: “I thought that was a member of the NSAID family?”

Nurse #1: “Oh, you’ve done your homework! Yes it is, and they are the best medications you can use to control a migraine.”

Me: “I don’t know if that’s true for other patients, but I don’t think that’s a good idea for me…”

(I hold up a Medic Alert bracelet and point to the big red sticker on my file.)

Me: “I can’t take NSAIDs.”

Nurse #1: “Oh, it says here that you have a negative reaction to them. Are you sure it’s bad enough to avoid them all together?”

Me: “Positive.”

Nurse #1: “Well, you know the other option is opiates, which can be habit forming.”

Me: “Look… Sweetie… I’ve had migraines for 16 years, I’ve been properly diagnosed, I have the paperwork to show I’ve been through all of the education, counseling, etc about migraines. In addition,  if you take 30 seconds and review the blurb on there, you’ll see that my negative reaction was 5 days of renal failure. I understand the health industry is trying to take a whole person approach, and on any other day, I’d be glad to go through your full check in about medications, etc. I’d even be okay reviewing my diet with you; however, today, I am in the middle of a massive migraine that has kept me unable to sleep, or really eat, for the past 3 days. I woke up today with visual symptoms, and called ahead to arrange an injection appointment. I went through all if the relevant stuff with your intake guy, signed the forms, and have my boyfriend here who has taken the morning off of work so he can drive me. You have the medication right there, and instead of giving me the injection, you are dithering through what I’ve reviewed countless times. I hate needles, so I’d like to get this over with, while not having to correct every assumption you’ve decided applies to me.”

(After explaining this, the nurse glares at me, snatches up the tray with the medication, and stomps out of the room. Thanks to her inability to close the door, I overhear her telling another nurse to get the doctor, because she has a patient exhibiting “drug seeking behavior.” I have to wait another 20 minutes in a VERY bright room, lit by fluorescent bulbs, only to have the doctor come in, and review word for word what happened. He apologizes, and says he will send another nurse in. Ten minutes after that conversation, in walks the original nurse, in a snit.)

Nurse #1: “You won’t be getting any drugs here, so you have to leave.”

Me: “That is not what the doctor said. Please bring him in here to confirm if that is the case. Do make it quick.”

Nurse #1: “I don’t care what the doctor says. You have to leave!”

(Sick of this, I walk to the door, stick my head out, and catch another nurse.)

Me: *to Nurse #2* “Excuse me, I’m a migraine sufferer, I made an appointment over the phone for an injection appointment, specifically.”

Nurse #2: “Oh, hi! I talked to you on the phone. Wasn’t your appointment an hour ago?”

Me: “Yes, yes it was. Unfortunately, [Nurse #1] apparently didn’t get the information that it was an injection appointment, and ignored specific medical information. I have spoken to the doctor who told me we could proceed, but she’s now in this room telling me that I have to leave, and I can’t get my injection.”

Nurse #2: “Wait a minute… I’m supposed to be handling that. I was just trying to find out where the medicine was.”

(At this point, Nurse 2 basically drags Nurse 1 out of the room.)

Nurse #2: *to Nurse #1 “What the h*** are you doing?!”

Nurse #1: “She’s an addict! I threw the medication away!”

Nurse #2: “You can’t throw away medication against the doctor’s orders! Go wait in an office and don’t talk to [me] again!”

(Another 15 minutes go by, and Nurse #2 finally gives me the shot I need.)

Nurse #2: “I apologize for that. She’s actually married to one of the other doctors here, and has been causing trouble. I know you’re not up for it now, but tomorrow, just call and complain. She’s already on thin ice with most of the practice, and this should put it over the edge…”

(After I leave, I do as the second nurse asks. The doctor who I speak to is horrified, and calls me back two days later to inform me that particular nurse has been fired. Shortly afterwards, I check the office website and notice that the doctor with her last name is no longer listed. I’ve kept going to them, and the entire place has been a lot better since the change!)

(Because I have gotten my menstrual period the day before my appointment date, I have to reschedule my pelvic exam and pap test.)

Receptionist: “Thank you for calling [doctor's office]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi. I have an appointment for tomorrow, but I started my period today, so I need to reschedule.”

Receptionist: “No problem. How’s four weeks from today?”

(I am a teenager going with my mother at the optometrist’s office.)

Receptionist: “Yeah, what can I do for you?”

My Mom: “We have an appointment for 1:30 with [optometrist].”

Receptionist: “Name?”

My Mom: *gives our last name*

Receptionist: “Patient’s name?”

My Mom: *gestures to me* “This is Vanessa.”

Receptionist: *rudely* “I don’t need to know which one of you it is, just the first name. Take a seat!”

(We are a little taken aback, but take our seats. An hour passes before my mom gets up to inquire why it’s taking so long.)

My Mom: “Excuse me, we’ve been waiting an hour—”

Receptionist: “Not my problem.”

My Mom: “Um, when do you think we’ll be seen?”

Receptionist: *sighs dramatically* “Did you have an appointment?”

My Mom: “Yes, for 1:30.”

Receptionist: “Name?”

My Mom: *gives our last name again*

Receptionist: *looks at the computer* “Uh, yeah, we cancelled that. If you’re more than 15 minutes late we cancel you. Sorry.”

My Mom: “Are you kidding me? We were here at 1:15. The appointment was for 1:30. It’s 2:16 now.”

Receptionist: “Yeah, and you said your name was ‘Venesia.’ I don’t have you down for an appointment, so you’re seen as a walk-in.”

Me: “My name’s VANESSA.”

Receptionist: “Oh, Va-NESS-a. Well, not my fault I can’t understand that weird name! You’ll be seen as soon as the doctor can see you, m’kay?”

My Mom: “We’ve been waiting for an hour. We gave you our last name when we checked in; didn’t you see the name on the list?”

Receptionist: “Nope.”

My Mom: “Well, how much more of a wait will there be?”

Receptionist: “I don’t know. Not my problem.”

My Mom: “It is your problem because it’s your job to check us in! We were here on time; I expect her to be seen today!”

Receptionist: “Well, too bad, you’ll have to wait. Now either go sit down with your ugly four-eyed daughter or take your [racial slur] selves home and make another appointment!”

My Mom: “We won’t bother with either, actually. We’re done with this office. You need an attitude check.”

Receptionist: “Fine. Whatever, b****.”

(We hurry out of there. We ended up having to change doctors, which is a shame because that optometrist was actually very good. We just couldn’t deal with that receptionist again.)

(I have been sick for 5 days after power went out at 1 a.m. and took the heat with it on a -2 degree Fahrenheit night. Wednesday, I had a death-rattle breathing and productive cough. Thursday, I got frostnip. Friday, I was running a fever. Saturday and Sunday, I got mild food poisoning. Monday, I’m finally able to get a doctor’s appointment. However, I am ready to snap because I’ve been awake 26 hours by this point and sleep in half-hour increments because I stop breathing while I’m asleep. So, I go to fill out the paperwork.)

Receptionist:  ”Here you go, [my name]. Just make sure to fill out the top two sheets and give them to the nurse. It’s standard for OB.”

Me: “I’m not here for an OB appointment.”

Receptionist: “Uh-huh. Just fill that out.”

(I obediently look over the paperwork where I need to talk about the baby daddy’s medical history and other information unrelated to me. I go back.)

Me: ”I’m not an OB patient.”

Receptionist: “You have to fill out the paperwork for your appointment. Here’s a new copy if you couldn’t work out the first one. Go do that! We’ll be with you some time soon.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I go back with the new paperwork. Again, I’m staring at whether the father of the baby has ever had hepatitis. I go back.)

Me: “I’m. Not. An. OB patient.”

Receptionist: “You have to fill out the paperwork for—”

Me: “I’m not married. I’m not sexually active. I swear by all that’s holy I’m NOT PREGNANT.”

Receptionist: “Uh-huh. And your name is Kathleen [last name]?”

Me: “No, it’s Kathryn [last name].”

(The receptionist stares at her computer for a few moments.)

Receptionist: “…Oh, with the COUGH.”

Me: “Yeah. I can’t breathe. Can you PLEASE give me paperwork for someone who IS NOT PREGNANT?”

Receptionist: “Yeah… well, it’s like you have the same name.”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

(My friend, who has come in with me and is in the waiting room 5 feet away from the desk, speaks up.)

My Friend: “Notalwaysworking.com?”

Me: “Yeah.”

(I’m at the gynecologist. The past year, my periods came monthly, but have kept getting lighter and lighter. Now, I’m just late for three months.)

Gynecologist: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “Yes, but—”

Gynecologist: “Then you might be pregnant. I can test you right now.”

Me: “I’m not pregnant. I’m a lesbian.”

Gynecologist: “If you are sexually active, it’s possible you are pregnant.”

Me: “I’m sexually active with my girlfriend.”

Gynecologist: “As I said, if you are sexually active, you might be pregnant if your period is late.”

Me: “Listen, I cannot possibly be pregnant because I’m a lesbian.”

Gynecologist: “Let’s just do the test first and we’ll see. If you aren’t pregnant, then we’ll move on!”