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  • Swearing You Into A Job
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  • Sour Patch Orphans

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Food & Drink

    (I am putting away the bulk candy bins at our movie theater and one of my coworkers make an observation about one of the candies.)

    Coworker: “I can’t believe all the salt on these Sour Patch Kids.”

    Me: “What? Salt? That’s not salt. That’s sugar.”

    Coworker: “Then what makes them so bitter?”

    Me: “I don’t know. Loneliness, despair, general sadness…”

    Not A Disney Prince

    | Scotland, UK | Coworkers, Musical Mayhem, Rude & Risque

    (It’s a busy day at the cinema, and I am working at the concession stand. There are three primary school classes coming in today: one to watch ‘Thumbelina’ and another two to watch ‘Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.’ My colleague has thoughtfully brought in a tape of Disney music to play over the tannoy and into the halls for the kids. One song is playing as I serve a customer.)

    Customer: “I’ll have a medium popcorn and a large coke, please.”

    (I turn to get the order when suddenly the music stops and is replaced with a throbbing drumbeat. The colleague who brought the tape in turns pale and runs towards the internal phone to the office.)

    Colleague: “Turn it off! Quick! Turn it off!”

    (Into three auditoriums packed with kids aged in ranges of 5 to 9 comes the strains of Prince singing ‘Sexy Motherf*****.’ The customer looks at me as I struggle valiantly not to burst out laughing.)

    Customer: “Ah, well.  I suppose it’s not something they haven’t heard before.”

    Not All The Cards Are Stacked Against You

    | Nottingham, England, UK | Awesome Workers, Employees, Holidays, Movies & TV, Themed Giveaway

    (I am a member of a card scheme which gets me unlimited free entry to movies. A few weeks ago, I lost my card and had to order a replacement for £10. I then lost the new card. Since I wanted to go to the cinema that night, I have to contact customer services.)

    Customer Service: “Hello. [Cinema] customer service. How may I help?”

    Me: “I lost my card. I’m going to the cinema this evening so I need a temporary pass.”

    Customer Service: “Not to worry. I need your postal code and date of birth.”

    Me: *gives them*

    Customer Service: “Is your name [My Name]?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer Service: “Good gracious! Is this the card we sent you a couple of weeks ago?”

    Me: *embarrassed* “Yes. It is.”

    Customer Service: “All right. I’ll just send a temporary pass to your mobile.”

    Me: “Thanks. I’ll pay for the replacement on my next bill.”

    Customer Service: “Oh, no. Don’t worry about that. I’ve waived the fee.”

    Me: “What?!”

    Customer Service: “You don’t have to pay a thing.”

    Me: “Oh, my god! Thank you so much!”

    Customer Service: “No problem. Happy Christmas!”

    Translation Elation

    | Surrey, England, UK | Coworkers, Language & Words

    (My colleague is having trouble with a group of ladies.)

    Colleague: “I’m trying to explain [ice cream] to them and it’s going nowhere.”

    (I hover for a moment, and recognize some words as Spanish.)

    Me: *in Spanish* “My apologies ladies. Are you Spanish?”

    Customer: “Mexican.”

    Me: “All right. I studied Catalan, so please forgive any differences and my years without practice. We have three sizes of ice cream: small, which is one scoop, medium, which is two, and large, which is three. All our prices are on the board behind me. We also have dark, milk, and white chocolate, nuts, and warm chocolate, or caramel as extras.”

    (The women, while thrilled with my explanation, do not buy ice cream.)

    Colleague: “How the f*** did you do that?”

    Me: “I speak four languages, including Spanish.”

    Colleague: *walking to the others* “Did you see that? Did you see that!? [My Name] spoke another language like it’s nothing!”

    (I found this rather cringe-worthy, since the other colleague he was talking to is of Indian descent.)

    The Age Of Innocence

    | Wales, UK | At The Checkout, Employees, Movies & TV

    (I am in my early twenties, short with a very young face. I’m at the cinema with a friend. We are going to watch an animation. She has just bought a student ticket.)

    Cashier: “Next!”

    Me: “Same as her, please.”

    Cashier: “Okay, and if you can—”

    Me: “Wait, sorry. Same as her except not a student ticket.”

    Cashier: “Show me your– wait, what?”

    Me: “Yeah, sorry. I need the full-price ticket.”

    Cashier: “Seriously? How old are you?”

    Me: “21… no, sorry, 22. I turned 22 last week; still think I’m 21.”

    Cashier: “You’re joking.”

    Me: “Nope. In fact, I’ve got a full time job and everything.”

    Cashier: “Really?”

    Me: “Yeah. Ha ha, I know. It’s kind of scary.”

    Cashier: “Man, you should just say you’ve forgotten your card or something. People wouldn’t guess.”

    Me: “Bit dishonest, though.”

    Cashier: “Yeah, but you’d definitely get away with it.”

    Me: “Ha ha. Unfortunately, my job is a trainee lawyer. It’d look pretty bad if I did that.”

    Cashier: “Very good point. Don’t lie for a cinema ticket. Stay honest and enjoy your film!”

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