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    Master Of Space And Time Sheets

    | New Zealand | Coworkers, Liars/Scammers, Time

    (I am printing out the timesheets for the staff payroll when I am lucky enough to have this conversation:)

    Me: “Hi, [Staff Member], it says here that you did a total of 26 hours on your timesheet for one day.”

    Staff Member: “Yep, that sounds about right.”

    Me: “So, you did a 12-hour day on Tuesday, then an 8-hour job, a 10-hour job, and another 8-hour job, all on Wednesday, followed by another 12-hour day on Thursday?

    Staff Member: “Yep, we’re pretty busy…”

    Me: “So busy that you have worked out how to extend time? When do you sleep?”

    Staff Member: “Oh, I’m very careful to ensure I get eight hours a night.”

    Me: “Aha…”

    His Targets Are Unreachable

    | TX, USA | Bosses & Owners, Health & Body

    (I have to be out of the office for two days, for a surgery, and have permission in writing. I call to remind my boss the day before.)

    Me: “Hey, [Boss], just reminding you I’ll be unreachable tomorrow because I’m having surgery.”

    Boss: “Okay, I’ve scheduled an auto repo for tomorrow so just make sure the guy has your cell number in case of problems.”

    Me: “No, I’ll be completely unreachable. He’ll have to call the office and talk to [Assistant].”

    Boss: “Wait, how ‘unreachable’?”

    Me: “In the hospital, getting my nose sliced open ‘unreachable.'”

    Boss: “Well, what if your children need you?”

    Me: “Okay, [Boss], you’re overthinking this.”

    Empowering Your Workforce

    | Singapore | Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I am the administrative executive for my office, but, as we do not have an in-house IT person, I sometimes troubleshoot the simpler issues.)

    Colleague: “[My Name], I can’t turn on my computer! I keep pressing and pressing the power button and still there’s no light! I don’t know what to do! It was fine yesterday but it’s not today!”

    (At this point, my colleague is wringing her hands and getting increasingly shrill. I walk over to her desk and see the problem immediately.)

    Me: “[Colleague], your main power switch is not on. That’s why your computer cannot be turned on.”

    Colleague:“Oh, to save electricity I turned off the main switch yesterday before I went home. So, if I turn that on, I can turn on my computer?”

    Me: “…Yes.”

    Waspish Behavior

    | Kent, England, UK | Bosses & Owners, Coworkers, Pets & Animals

    (Our office is in a converted barn in the middle of a rural area. As a result, we get a lot of bugs flying through the open windows in warm weather. On this occasion, a wasp was hovering around the window, but not quite making it out. The buzzing was starting to drive my coworker crazy.)

    Coworker: “Wasps are so stupid! The way out is right there!”

    Me: “Well, it is a wasp. They have limited mental capacity.”

    Coworker: “That’s not the point. It’s not that hard!”

    Manager: “You do realise we had to stick post-it notes on the doors downstairs to stop people from walking into them?”

    Coworker: “What?!”

    Me: “Yeah, wasn’t that because of [Surveyor]?”

    Coworker: “You’re joking.”

    Manager: “Nope.”

    Coworker: “How did he manage that?”

    Me: “Wasn’t concentrating. Walked smack into the closed doors. Wasn’t exactly humanity’s greatest moment.”

    Won’t Land Him A Job

    | TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Ignoring/Inattentive, Job Seekers

    (I answer the phones for an oilfield service company in an area that has seen a boom in a particular area. There have been many news stories about how many workers are needed, for companies, for this particularly fruitful land formation.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [Oilfield Company]. How can I help you?”

    Guy: “Are you hiring?”

    Me: “Well, this location is not hiring but other locations may be. You need to go online to [Website] and click on careers.”

    Guy: “Is this how you get a job at [land formation]?”

    Me: “Well, our company does have people at that location, but this branch does not. You really will need to go online to [Website] to see which branches are hiring.”

    Guy: “What is [land formation] hiring for?”

    Me: “[Land formation] is not a company, sir. It’s a physical location where companies put their rigs. You have reached [Oilfield Company Branch] and so I really can’t speak for the other [Oilfield Company]’s branches or the other companies doing work out there.”

    Guy: “The paper told me that [land formation] has a lot of jobs and I need to know where to apply.”

    Me: “Well, our company does have a presence at the [land formation] so you can go to our website.”

    Guy: “But you’re not [land formation], right?”

    Me: “Right. We’re an oilfield company, not a land mass.”

    Guy: “But the paper said that [land formation] was hiring. Can you tell me where to call?”

    Me: “There is no particular place to call. Many companies have wells at that location.”

    Guy: *getting frustrated* “I can’t understand why you won’t give me the number for [land formation]. I need a job. I’ve been out of work a while and I don’t understand why everyone is so unhelpful.”

    Me: “[Land formation] doesn’t have a number, sir. It’s a physical place, like a mountain or a lake, not a corporation. You cannot get a job with [land formation]. It doesn’t have management. You need to apply to companies in order to work there.”

    Guy: “Well, I’m going to get a job with [land formation]. If you’re not going to help me I will find someone who will!” *hangs up*


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