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    Projecting A Raise

    | CO, USA | Coworkers, Money

    (Our development team has recently gone from five developers down to two. We’ve tried to split the work but most of it has fallen on me since one project takes so much effort to keep up, the other guy can’t work on anything else. We are currently talking to a partner overseas about who needs to come over to work on a joint project.)

    Partner: “So… we’d need the guy in charge of [Project #1]. That’s [My Name], right?”

    Me: “Yup. Cool I get to travel!”

    Partner: “And probably the guy who took over [Project #2].”

    Manager: “Okay, sure, that makes sense.”

    Partner: “And whoever is in charge of [Project #3] now.”

    Manager: “Sure.”

    Partner: “And whoever knows how [Entire Product Line] is set up and installed on site as well. That is really important.”

    Manager: “Yes, it is! Okay, anything else?”

    Partner: “I don’t know… I feel bad… I feel like I’m taking your entire team.”

    Manager: “Actually, everything you named is [My Name]…”

    Partner: “Oh! Well, [My Name], have any questions?”

    Me: “Yeah… This just came to my attention… Can I get a raise?”

    Knows Some Killer Disney Songs

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers

    (My coworker and I are on co-op at an accounting firm and we share an office. He’s a great guy and no complaints about his work at all… but he just says odd things to himself when he’s working.)

    Coworker: *singing* “Do you wanna bury bodies? It doesn’t have to be just ooooonne. I really don’t wanna see him anymore. Let’s throw him out the dooooooor!”

    (Another time:)

    Coworker: *ranting about Excel* “Who’s a good spreadsheet? Yes, you are! Yes, you are. Ye- NO. NO! BAD SPREADSHEET! NO FREEZING ON ME! NO FREEZING! BAD SPREADSHEET! I AM GOING TO DELETE YOU NOW. BAD. NOW SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!”

    (Another time:)

    Coworker: *singing again* “Hakuna matata, what a wonderful phrase. Hakuna matata, let’s bury some bodies. Hakuna matata, let’s kill some more people!” *out of nowhere* “Did you know that if you grab the tip of someone’s ear and pull straight down, it comes right off?”

    (Here’s the kicker:)

    Coworker: “God d*** it, WHY WON’T YOU BALANCE?! I’LL KILL YOU!”

    Boss: “[Coworker]! Stop threatening to kill your balance sheet or I’ll kill you!”

    Bridging His Knowledge Gap

    | UK | Bosses & Owners, Extra Stupid, Geography

    (We’ve recently had a massive order for Norway, but due to the urgency of the order we’ve had problems booking the shipment onto any direct freight services. After finally getting the shipment organised and collected the following exchange occurs between my boss, the financial manager, and the warehouse manager.)

    Boss: “I’ve found a much quicker route that could’ve reached the customer much faster than the service you booked.”

    Warehouse Manager: “I called all the freight companies I could find that would ship to Norway. I don’t think there was a quicker route.”

    Boss: “No, look here – there is a direct route from Denmark to Norway.”

    Warehouse Manager: “What are you talking about? We’d need to hire a ship to send it that way!”

    Boss: “A ship? Why would we need a ship? That bridge goes directly from Denmark to Norway.”

    Warehouse Manager: *looks completely dumbfounded* “[Boss], that’s a shipping lane!”

    (The rest of the office started trying to hide the fact that we were all laughing. All the while Boss tried to convince us that it was actually a bridge. It wasn’t.)

    Don’t Play With Fire

    | London, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Bosses & Owners, Employees

    (I have been working for about two years and I manage not to take sick days in this period. Sadly, as I wake up this morning it seems that something I ate STRONGLY disagrees with me, to the point that my wife has to bring me the phone to the bathroom so I can call in sick. I call my boss and his obnoxious secretary answers.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] speaking. I wanted to let you know that I won’t be coming in today due to health issues.”

    Secretary: “No.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Secretary: “No, you’re either coming to work or getting fired. This is getting out of hand.”

    Me: “Miss, something is certainly getting out of hand here; I CAN’T come in to work. I’m really feeling sick and can’t leave my house.”

    Secretary: “Then consider yourself fired. Come to get your documentation—” *sarcastically* “—when you’re feeling better.”

    Me: “Wait a minute. You don’t have the authority to fire me. [Boss]—”

    Secretary: *click*

    (I decide to call my boss on his cellphone, to bypass his secretary.)

    Boss: “Yo, you’re late today!”

    Me: “Late? I was told I’m fired.”

    Boss: “Fired!? Who told you that?”

    Me: “Your secretary did when I tried calling in sick. It seems I ate something and I’m not in position to leave my house.”

    Boss: “Wait, what? Why did she… Oh s***! Did you tell her your name when you called?”

    Me: “Of course I did. It was the first thing I told.”

    Boss: “Idiot. I told her that I’ll fire [Other Coworker notorious for calling in sick] if he ever pulls that again…”

    Me: “So, she decided to fire ‘him’ right away, when ‘he’ called?”

    Boss: “I guess that’s right. But [Coworker] is in today, so she assumed it was you when you called. I’m going to explain to her that being my secretary doesn’t allow her to fire people. As for you, take today and two more days off, to bounce back, okay?”

    (Long story short, Secretary didn’t quite get why she can’t fire people on her own behalf – even if my boss did mention thinking about firing them before. So my boss explained it to her by showing her the door.)

    Yoda Boss

    | NY, USA | Coworkers, Geeks Rule

    (My company promotes me and hires a new person to replace me in my original position. I train him for a few months, and we become good friends. Now he is also being promoted, and the company is interviewing for his replacement.)

    Friend: “So, today I met a girl who was being interviewed to replace me.”

    Me: “I can’t believe you’re gonna be training someone yourself now! I feel like just yesterday I was training you. Soon there will be an Anakin to my Qui-Gon.”

    Friend: “So that makes me Obi-Wan?”

    Me: “Duh.”

    Friend: “What about [Girl who trained me, who I didn’t like very much]?”

    Me: “I guess that means she’s Count Dooku. Which totally makes sense.”

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