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  • August's Theme Of The Month: Best. Boss. Ever!

    A Total System Clean

    | NY, USA | Employees, Technology

    (I’ve just finished moving my boss’s desk and computer into his new office. My boss is notoriously messy; the desk was a disaster before I moved it. The department’s system administrator and I are discussing what to do next.)

    Me: “I should probably update the computer. I’ll bet it hasn’t been restarted in ages.”

    SysAdmin: “It looks like his anti-virus needs to be fixed, too.”

    Me: “And I ought to find a mouse-pad for him. Oh, and do you think you have anything that could clean off keyboards?”

    SysAdmin: “Uh…”

    (We both look at the keyboard, which is covered in dried spilled coffee and other dirt.)

    Me: “Do you think there IS anything that could clean THAT keyboard?”

    SysAdmin: *laughing* “I could get you a sandblaster!”

    (We did manage to get it clean!)

    Commit That Response To Memory

    | UK | Employees, Liars/Scammers

    (I receive a call.)

    Me: “Hello”

    Caller: “Good afternoon, [My Name]. I have been passed the information about the car accident you were in that wasn’t your fault… That’s right, isn’t it?”

    (There is a spate of this cold call marketing happening in the UK lately, so I decide to have some fun.)

    Me: “OH, MY GOD! It MUST have been a bad accident, because I can’t remember it. I MUST have AMNESIA!”

    Caller: *in a really stroppy voice* “WERE YOU or WERE YOU NOT in a car accident?”

    Me: “WELL, you told me I had been, and I’m sure you wouldn’t lie about having that information… so yes, I guess I was… but I can’t remember it.”

    Caller: *click*

    A Silent Cry For Attention

    | USA | Coworkers, Food & Drink

    Coworker #1: “Yawning at your desk again?”

    Me: “I call it a silent scream that indicates I need more coffee to function.”

    Coworker #2: “I am going to call yawns “silent screams for coffee” from now on.”

    Working For An Automaton

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Bosses & Owners, New Hires

    (A director who I’d worked with previously heard I might lose my job due to downsizing. He asked me to interview with one of his managers for an open position. During this interview…)

    Director: “I think you’d be great for this position. Your knowledge of Excel and Access would be perfect.”

    Me: “Thanks. Whenever I’m given a new repetitive task, I try to automate the heck out of it. The more tasks that we can make automated, the more time we have to focus on other projects.”

    Director: “Sounds good. I think it’ll be a good fit.”

    Manager: *says nothing*

    Me: “Okay, well, I’ll let you two discuss it.”

    (Flash forward a few months after I’ve been hired:)

    Manager: “I need you to work on [report] first thing. I need it ASAP.”

    (I do the report. Later that day…)

    Me: “Here you go. I moved the totals to the top so it’s easier to read at a glance.”

    Manager: “Fine, whatever.”

    (A day passes…)

    Manager: “I can’t read this report. Where are the totals?”

    Me: “At the top. I told you I moved them.”

    Manager: “Yes, I can see that. I hate it. Fix it.”

    Me: “Okay, but you reviewed the report. Is it otherwise okay?”

    Manager: “Fix the totals.”


    Me: “Here’s the revised report.”

    Manager: “You’re taking too long to complete these tasks.”

    (A day passes:)

    Manager: “This data is all wrong!”

    Me: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m still a bit new. Do you know what I did wrong?”

    Manager: “No.”

    Me: “Oh, do you want me to just start over from scratch?”

    Manager: “No, I don’t have time to wait. I’ll do it myself. You take too long to complete tasks.”

    (This is the fourth time this has happened since I was hired. He would not read my reports for days after submission, and then complain about something trivial, which I’d promptly fix, then wait for days before eventually declaring my work to be a “total waste” and just redo it himself. I decide to talk to the director.)

    Me: “I’m concerned that [Manager] and I have different working styles. I don’t think it’s a good fit.”

    Director: “I was concerned this would happen. He prefers the old way of doing things. There was an employee like you that liked automation before [Manager] was hired. They clashed, too, and eventually he quit.”

    Me: “Then why did you think I’d be a good fit?”

    Couldn’t Miss The Opportunity

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Coworkers

    (A coworker I was never very fond of is leaving the company. When she comes around to say goodbyes, my snark gets the best of me…)

    Coworker: “You’ll miss me when I’m gone.”

    Me: “Only one way to find out.”

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