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    That’s The Way The Birthday Cookie Crumbles

    | Lincolnwood, IL, USA | Coworkers, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (Whenever it’s someone’s birthday, we all bring in treats and I ALWAYS bring in my homemade cookies because I get requests for them. An email is sent out to everyone the day or two before EXCEPT the birthday person so it’s kind of a surprise for them. This happens on my birthday.)

    Coworker: *standing in party cube surveying the treats* “Hey, [My Name], where’s your cookies? I don’t see them anywhere. They can’t be all gone already?!

    Me: “…”

    Coworker: *as they slowly realize the name on the birthday signs* “Oh, it’s YOUR birthday, isn’t it?”

    Needs To Commission A Better Attitude

    | NY, USA | Coworkers, Liars/Scammers, Money

    (I perform administrative duties for the salespeople at my company. If a salesperson takes out a client for business entertainment purposes, the company will pay for some of it, but a portion of the cost is deducted from their commission. One salesperson, is particularly high maintenance…)

    Me: “Is [Client] related to this limo expense?”

    Salesperson: “Noooo, they didn’t use it!”

    Me: “Well, [Vendor] billed us, so…”

    Salesperson: “My client was waiting forever so we took [Alternative Car Service].”

    (I call the vendor and talk to a sharp representative who reads me the system notes: Limo scheduled to pick up at 10:00 pm, reservation cancelled at 9:55 pm. Cost of drivers time, fuel, and other fees fully billable as per policy.)

    Me: “You said the client was waiting a long time for the ride? I called [Vendor] and they’re telling me you cancelled 5 minutes before the scheduled pick up.”

    Salesperson: *not happy that this is going to be deducted from her commissions* “Well, yes, but my client was in a rush so we just flagged the first taxi we saw.”

    Me: “Okay, but imagine if someone did that to our business and it affected our bottom line, after we already invested time and money. I have to agree with [Vendor].”

    Salesperson: “I know, but he ultimately didn’t use the service. Could you please, please call them and try to dispute this?” *phony smile*

    Me: “Sure.”

    (I go back to my desk. Go through a few emails. Process a few requests for other departments. Look off into space. Then I come back to her.)

    Me: “Sorry! I was on the phone for almost an hour! I spoke to a representative, and held for two different managers! Unfortunately they simply won’t budge!” *exasperated sigh followed by phony smile*

    The Zombie Apocalypse? I’ll Do It Later

    | USA | April Fool's Day, Coworkers, Lazy/Unhelpful, Zombies

    (I have a coworker who is notoriously lazy around the office. Everything he does is slow and half-hearted. My coworkers and I are in the office the lazy coworker comes back late from lunch as usual.)

    Lazy Coworker: “Something weird is going on outside.”

    Me: “What do you mean?”

    Lazy Coworker: “Lots of weird people just shuffling around outside. And look! One of them bit me!”

    (True to his word, the lazy coworker shows off a rather nasty bite mark on his hand.)

    Me: “Ouch! Better get that looked at.”

    (Suddenly the boss runs out of his office, panicked.)

    Boss: “I just saw the news! The zombie apocalypse has started! Everyone save yourselves!”

    (Everyone in the office then turns back to the lazy coworker, who is now scratching his bite mark.)

    Lazy Coworker: “What?”

    Boss: “He was bit? We have to kill him before he turns!”

    Me: “Don’t worry; we have time.”

    Boss: “What do you mean?”

    Me: “He does everything slowly…”

    (He finally turned… three weeks later.)

    A Colorless Apocalypse

    | USA | April Fool's Day, Movies & TV, Zombies

    (The zombie apocalypse has started and my office building has been over-run. A coworker and I are in the stairwell near the emergency exit. We want to make a break for it but are deliberating who gets to open the door and check if it’s clear of zombies. I am black, and my coworker is white.)

    Me: “Okay, check if it’s clear.”

    Coworker: “No way! You check!”

    Me: “I can’t check. I have to be extra careful now.”

    Coworker: “What do you mean?!”

    Me: “Seriously? You don’t know that the black guy always dies first?”

    Coworker: “That’s just some stupid cliche!”

    Me: “Do you even watch The Walking Dead?”

    Coworker: “Of course.”

    Me: “We had T-Dog, who surprisingly survived until season three, before he’s killed saving Carol. No worries, as then we’re introduced to Oscar in the prison, but he’s quickly dispatched in the battle with Woodbury. But again, we’re introduced to Tyreese, who I admit is still alive, but mainly because another black man, Bob Stookey, turned up and got himself killed in the meantime, but I think it’s just a matter of time for poor ol’ Tyreese.”

    Coworker: “That doesn’t mean that–”

    Me: Z-Nation. The lead black guy is killed in the first episode.”

    Coworker: “Yeah, but–”

    Me:Land Of The Dead. The lead villain zombie is a black guy.”

    Coworker: “Fine, but–”

    Me: Night Of The Living Dead. Black guy dies.”

    Coworker: “Ah hah! Got you there! In Night Of The Living Dead, the black guy isn’t killed by the zombies.”

    Me: “Hmm, you’re right.” *eyes narrow* “He’s shot by the white guy…”

    (There is an awkward silence.)

    Coworker: “I’ll just check this door then, shall I?”

    Email Fail, Part 3

    | USA | Bosses & Owners, Technology

    (My father’s group hires someone with a one year contract, to be reviewed at the end of the year. He is… not the best coworker, and they offer to renew it for another year if he steps up his performance. He elects to stay on. An email goes out to the partners with four resumes of prospective replacements. Moments later, a second email was received.)

    Lead Partner: “FYI, I included [Employee in question] in my initial email by accident (duh!) so if you reply all, just be aware…”

    Email Fail, Part 2
    Email Fail

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