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    The Number One Student

    | Tucson, AZ, USA | Coworkers, Movies & TV

    (I work for one of the local police departments. I’m also in training at the time. The trainers mark us on a scale of one to four, four being the highest. The graveyard shift has been slow all night. ‘Law and Order: SVU’ is playing on one of the televisions. Several coworkers are watching the episode, which I have already seen.)

    Me: “Hey, [Coworker], wanna know how it ends?”

    Coworker: “What? No! Don’t do that.”

    Me: “All right. All right.”

    (A few minutes pass.)

    Me: “Hey, [Coworker].”

    Coworker: “What?”

    Me: “Somebody gets caught.”

    Coworker: *to my trainer* “Give her all ones tonight!”

    Has Already Been Seen By The Doctor

    | London, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Health & Body

    (It is my first month working in the police. One colleague says he doesn’t understand what my high-functioning-autism is, and keeps trying to get me to sit with him and his friends at lunch. I and several others (including the disability liaison) explain again and again about neurodevelopmental disabilities, but he keeps saying he doesn’t understand. Eventually, they give up and lie, saying ‘he’s just crazy, leave him alone.’ The next day he comes up to me sitting alone on a coffee break.)

    Coworker: “[Coworker] just told me that all your disability stuff is because you’re crazy. That’s not true; your exam scores are really high. You’re not crazy, right?”

    (At this point I decide to play along and quote Ood Server from ‘Doctor Who.’)

    Me: *deadpan* “The Beast and his armies shall rise from the Pit, to make war against God.”

    Coworker: “Oh, so you ARE crazy! That’s great! Now I get it!”

    (Then he walked off smiling. He’s never bothered me again.)

    Not Quite Up To Speed

    | PA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Transportation

    (I’m driving the speed limit on a major road when a cop car, which had been parked on the median, swoops out behind me and turns its lights on. I pull over thinking that I must have a taillight out. I open the window and wait for the police officer to approach.)

    Me: “What’s the problem, officer?”

    Cop: “You looked like you were going pretty fast back there.”

    Me: “What? I was going the speed limit. What did you clock me at?”

    Cop: “Well, I didn’t have my radar on but you looked like you were going fast.”

    Me: “Wait, what? You didn’t even clock me? What cause do you have to pull me over, then?”

    Cop: *realizing he’s made an unlawful stop* “Uh…never mind. Just slow down! *starts jogging back to his patrol car*

    Me: *shouting after him* “Hey! HEY! I WANT YOUR BADGE NUMBER!”

    (The cop jumped in his car and tore off WAY over the speed limit with his lights on.)

    Driving Home Good Music

    | Bridgetown, ME, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Employees, Musical Mayhem

    (I’ve been pulled over, which I’m no stranger to, as I have a lead foot. However, this time I’m not speeding.)

    Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over tonight, miss?”

    Me: “No. I’m sorry; I don’t.”

    Officer: “Well, your music was very loud when you drove past me. It’s loud enough that it shook my windows.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry. I’ll keep it down low. I didn’t realize how loud it was.”

    Officer: “I’m going to have to give you a written warning— Hey, I like this song. What is it?”

    Me: “It’s [Song] by [Artist].”

    Officer: “You know what? You have good taste in music. Forget the written warning. Have a great night, miss.”

    Policeless State Versus Stateless Police

    | NC, USA | Bosses & Owners, Employees, Ignoring/Inattentive, Top, Tourists & Travel

    (I am borrowing my mother’s boyfriend’s SUV. He is from New York and still has a New York license plate on the rear of the SUV. He has removed the front one, which is required by New York state law to be on there. I am driving in North Carolina, which does not have front license plate laws. I have just been pulled over.)

    Officer: “Can I see your license and registration, please?”

    (I hand them over.)

    Officer: “Okay. Who is the owner of this vehicle?”

    Me: “My mother’s boyfriend, [Name].”

    Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”

    Me: “I haven’t the slightest.”

    Officer: “When I passed you, I noticed that this vehicle is from New York. You do not have a front license plate.”

    Me: *confused* “Okay?”

    Officer: “You do know that is required by New York state, correct?”

    Me: “Yeah, I know. But we are in North Carolina.”

    (The officer looks dumbfounded. There is an awkward moment of silence.)

    Officer: “I’m going to run these. I’ll be right back.”

    (The officer leaves and returns a few minutes later. He hands me a piece of paper.)

    Officer: “I’m giving you a ticket for not having a front license plate on this vehicle. I have circled your fine for you at the top.”

    (I read over the ticket. It clearly says that I have willfully and unlawfully driven a New York registered vehicle without a front license plate.)

    Me: “Sir, I don’t think you understand. You do not have the authority to enforce New York state law.”

    Officer: “But I am from New York, and I know that it is illegal.”

    Me: “But you are a North Carolina police officer, correct?”

    Officer: “Yeah. What of it? Your ticket clearly states what you are accused of.”

    Me: “I don’t think yo—”

    Officer: “Sir, if you want to dispute the ticket, you can take it to the [County] courthouse.”

    Me: “So you ACTUALLY think you can cite me for this?”

    Officer: *blank stare*

    Me: “Call your sergeant down for me.”

    Officer: “He’s not going to drop this.”

    Me: “CALL. HIM.”

    (A few minutes later, another squad car pulls up. As the sergeant gets out, the officer bombards him with the situation. He finally hands the sergeant the ticket he wrote me.)

    Sergeant: *pointing to me* “So you wrote this for him?”

    Officer: “Correct, sir.”

    (The sergeant walks up to me. He says hi, and looks over the SUV.)

    Sergeant: “I’m guessing I’m here because the greenhorn over there somehow made it through the academy.”

    Me: “So, you see the problem with this, too?”

    Sergeant: “I’ve heard of the problems this particular officer has been making. We’ve had a few complaints, too.”

    Me: “Not surprising. But uh, can I leave? Or…”

    Sergeant: “How about we have fun with this? Take your ticket over to Officer [Name], and tear it up in his face. Try to do it right in front of the squad car.”

    Me: “I like you. A lot.”

    (I did it too, and right in his face! The officer exploded when I did it, screaming and cussing at me like I was a loose convict. The sergeant let me leave. As I was getting back in the SUV I heard the sergeant yelling at the officer about how he can’t enforce other states’ laws. Judging by the officer’s look, he still didn’t understand.)

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