(One day, the boss calls me into her office for a meeting. Note: this takes place in late April.)

Boss: “Yes, I’d like to figure out who all’s taking what for vacation days this year so we don’t run into any conflicts.”

Me: “Sounds good to me!”

(I rattle off a few dates that I’m thinking about taking for my summer vacation.)

Boss: “Oh, I’m sorry. You can’t have any time off in the summer. We get so busy broadcasting from all the summer events that we need all hands on deck.”

Me: “Oh… okay. I prefer autumn, anyway.”

Boss: “Nope. It’s municipal elections this year, and we need all available personnel to cover the elections.”

Me: “But the election is just the last two weeks in September. Surely, a week at the start of September, or a week off in October—”

Boss: “NO! We need EVERYONE around for the ENTIRE autumn to cover the election!”

Me: “Um, okay. Well, then, looks like I’ll be taking a super-long Christmas vacation.”

Boss: “I’d rather you not. I prefer winter, and I always take all my vacation time in the winter.”

Me: “Isn’t that the purpose of this meeting, to get this sorted out and make sure there are no conflicts? Tell me what days you’re taking off in the winter, and I can work around you.”

Boss: “Well, I’m not going to know for sure what days I’m going to want until November or so, so for the purposes of planning, let’s say I’m taking the entire winter off.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight: spring is done, and now you’re sitting here telling me I can’t take any time off in summer, fall, or winter?”

Boss: “Looks that way.”

Me: “Well, then… looks like I’m not taking a vacation this year.”

(For the next two weeks, my boss boasted to her fellow department heads about my strong work ethic and how I’d resolved not to take a vacation in this very busy year. And the finale? At the end of the year, my boss’s boss and HR ordered me to take all of December off, because I had so much unused vacation time!)

(A coworker of mine decides to volunteer by becoming the fundraising director for the local music festival. One day, I hear a commotion from down the hall. I poke my head out of the office to see this new coworker very loudly berating my boss.)

Coworker: “I can’t BELIEVE this station has never donated to the music festival! After all this festival has done for the station… all the money they’ve spent here… and we’ve never given back? I’m EMBARRASSED to be working here!”

(The boss seems beside herself, so I speak up.)

Me: “Excuse me, but I’ve been here a lot longer than you, and we’ve always been a sponsor of the festival. Did you not see the certificates in the lobby?”

(In our lobby, we have certificates of appreciation from the festival, thanking us for sponsoring them. They go back for the last 10 years.)

Coworker: “Well, I don’t see one for last year! What the f*** did we do, take last year off?”

Me: “There was a paperwork snafu last year, and we never received our certificate. But yes, we did sponsor the festival last year.”

Coworker: “Oh yeah?! PROVE IT!”

(I go to the nearest computer and bring up the station website, and show my coworker all of the pictures from the festival last year. All over the festival site are signs saying, “Proudly sponsored by [our station]“.)

Coworker: “Well… well… I wasn’t here last year! How did you expect me to know?!”

(He stormed back to his office. Why he wasn’t fired on the spot, I’ll never know.)

(My station decides to take on a work experience student from the local high school, and I am put in charge of him. One of the tasks I give him is to go through all the posters and flyers we’re given for upcoming events, and type them up into a comprehensive community calendar for the announcers. I give him an old copy of the community calendar to use as a style guide. Not more than two minutes after I gives him this job, he comes to me in a huff, and drops the old copy of the community calendar on my desk.)

Student: “I don’t need to do this. It’s already done.”

Me: “No, it’s not. That’s an old version. You need to take off the old events and add the new ones.”

Student: “I said I don’t need to do this. It’s obviously already done.”

Me: “Okay then. If it’s done, email it to all the announcers.”

Student: “I can’t do that. I don’t have a copy on the computer.”

Me: “How do you think you’ll get a copy on the computer?”

Student: “Uhh… type it up?”

Me: “There you go. Now, go type it up, take the old events off the calendar, and add the new ones while you type.”

(The student sighs and walks away. Rather than go back to his computer, he goes into my boss’s office and closes the door. After a few minutes, the boss comes storming out of her office and over to me.)

Boss: “How DARE you put him to work doing such a menial task! We didn’t hire that student to type things up! We hired him so he could do fun stuff! Only put him to work doing fun stuff!”

(The boss and the student’s idea of ‘fun stuff’ was to put him in charge of the station’s Facebook page. He did nothing but play FarmVille until he flunked out of the work experience program.)

Related:
Not Ever Working, Part 9
Not Ever Working, Part 8
Not Ever Working, Part 7
Not Ever Working, Part 6
Not Ever Working, Part 5
Not Ever Working, Part 4
Not Ever Working, Part 3
Not Ever Working, Part 2
Not Ever Working

(One particularly cold winter morning, I wake up to discover my car wouldn’t start. So, I bundle up nice and warm and make the half-hour walk to work. As I am settling in at my desk, I get a call from my coworker.)

Coworker: “Yeah, hey, could you cover for me? I’m not coming in to work today.”

Me: “Why?”

Coworker: “It’s so cold, man. My car won’t start.”

Me: “So? My car wouldn’t start either. I walked. You can too!”

Coworker: “But, dude, it’s so cold and so far!”

Me: “What are you talking about? I live on the other side of town. You live across the street!”

(Sure enough, I look out my window, and lock eyes with my coworker, who is looking at me through his kitchen window. He quickly closes the blinds.)

Coworker: “I SAID I’M NOT COMING IN TODAY BECAUSE MY CAR WON’T START!” *click*

(I work at a radio station. The station manager likes to keep her desk close to the control room to be in on the action. One day, the morning show host is on the phone to a manager in another department, and has had to hang up the phone rather quickly to do his cut-in.)

Announcer: “The Boss, Bruce Springsteen here on [radio station's name]…”

(The announcer finishes his cut in. When he’s done, the station manager jumps up from her desk and comes running into the control room.)

Manager: “How DARE you call [other manager] ‘the boss’! I AM YOUR BOSS AND YOU NEVER FORGET THAT!”

Announcer: “I wasn’t talking about [the other manager]. I was on the air. I was talking about Springsteen.”

Manager: “Why would you call Springsteen the boss?!”

Announcer: “‘The Boss’ is a fairly common nickname for Springsteen.”

Manager: “Oh. Well, he’s not your boss either! I AM, AND YOU NEVER FORGET THAT!”