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    The Butt Of The Joke

    | CA, USA | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers

    (I am the host at a popular chain restaurant. It’s a busy Friday night and I am the controller in charge of the wait list, telling the other people where to sit guests and perform other duties such as cleaning with two other hosts. The other two hosts are off either seating guests or cleaning. The phone rings so I answer it.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. Um… I’m so sorry. This is embarrassing. I’m in your bathroom and, um… there’s a problem…”

    Me: “Oh no! Is there a toilet overflowing? Which bathroom are you in? I’ll send someone in right away.”

    Caller: “No… well… I’m in the men’s bathroom…”

    Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

    Caller: “I’m stuck in the bathroom.”

    Me: *extremely confused* “What’s wrong?”

    Caller: “There isn’t any toilet paper, and… well… I just went… you know… number two…”

    Me: “OH! Oh, no, I’m so sorry. I’ll send someone in, but the other hosts are away. It might be a few minutes, so for the time being, would you be able to get some from another stall?”

    Caller: “I tried… and, well… I can’t stand up. I don’t want to make a mess all over your bathroom! Please send someone!”

    (The caller hangs up and sounds really upset. I can’t find my hosts, so I feel I have to abandon my post and grab the first male server I can find. I explain the story to him and he stares at me, eyes wide and mouth agape.)

    Server: *laughing* “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”

    Me: “Please, just bring some toilet paper in to the bathroom because this poor guy is just sitting there!”

    (The server came out of the bathroom and back up to my host stand.)

    Server: “There is no one in there. There is feces all over the walls and floor. Since you should have been sending your hosts to do bathroom checks more often, it’s now your job to clean it.”

    (I have an awful gag reflex and almost started crying picturing the horror I was about to see, when all the servers in the area just lost it and started laughing. Turned out the server I grabbed to bring toilet paper to the caller WAS the caller playing a prank on me. After that day, he and several other servers would call almost every shift with some ridiculous request. Since I’m oh-so-obliging, I almost always fell for the pranks.)

    A Dangerous Mis-Steak

    | IN, USA | Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

    (My family and I are ordering at a steakhouse. I have a potato allergy and I was inquiring about non-potato sides.)

    Me: “What sides do you offer that are not potatoes? I don’t see them listed on the menu.”

    Server: “Well we have steamed veggies, applesauce, steak fries, cheese sticks—”

    Me: “Steak fries are potatoes.”

    Server: “Um, no they are not. I work here. I know.”

    Me: “Uh huh… What are regular fries made of?”

    Server: “Potatoes.”

    Me: “And curly?”

    Server: “Potatoes.”

    Me: “And steak fries are not?”

    Server: *there is a long pause as you can hear the gears turning in her head* “No.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, I will have the applesauce.”

    (She left and we all cracked up. When she came back out she apologized and said she asked the cook. She had assumed they were strips of steak.)

    I’ll Go With Option Number Two

    , | Kitchener, ON, Canada | Employees, Food & Drink, Language & Words

    (We have recently gotten a new dessert: a pop tart ice cream sandwich. We are supposed to suggest it at the end of the order.)

    Coworker: “Will that be everything today?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Coworker: “Would you like an apple pie or our new poop tart— pop tart ice cream sandwich?”

    Celebration Simplification

    | Greenville, TX, USA | Employees, Food & Drink

    (For my wife’s birthday my parents and I have taken her to a restaurant.)

    Mother: *to waitress* “Do you have anything to celebrate a birthday?”

    Waitress: “Awww… Whose birthday is it?”

    Wife: “Oh, it’s mine.”

    Waitress: “Awww… It’s your birthday?”

    Wife: “Yup!”

    Waitress: “Well… Happy Birthday!”

    (Pause.)

    Waitress: *shrugs* “That’s it!”

    (We all had a great laugh over that. It has been over two decades now and we still use that line for each other’s birthday.)

    Look At The Shirt Before You Get Shirty

    | SA, Australia | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Employees

    (My volunteer group has just finished up a community event and we are all wearing bright green promotional shirts. As many other restaurants are full, we all go for lunch at a small pub where the only customers are two middle-aged couples. I am last in line to pay after we have eaten.)

    Friend In Front Of Me: “Just the lasagna and lemon squash, thanks.”

    (He pays for his items and steps aside with the others who have paid so I can approach the register.)

    Cashier: *to friend* “Hey, there’s still a meal and drink to pay for! Don’t think you can just walk on out of here without settling your bill!”

    Me: “Um—”

    Cashier: *glances at me* “One moment, please.” *to friend* “Just because there’s so many of you it doesn’t mean you can confuse me into thinking you’ve paid for everything! Split billing keeps track of all of it!”

    Friend In Front Of Me: *gesturing at me* “Uh, there’s still one more to pay—”

    Cashier: “Yes, exactly. One more surf-n-turf and a [soda]! Now are you going to cover the difference between you all or is the cheat who tried to get their meal for free going to own up?”

    Another Friend: “I think she has been patiently waiting to pay this whole time.”

    (The cashier turns towards me and slowly looks me up and down. I’m in the same lime shirt as all the others.)

    Cashier: “Oh, I didn’t know you were with them.”


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