(I’ve just been discharged from the hospital after being hit by a car, which rendered me unconscious for half a day. The next morning I call my boss, who is fully aware of the accident and hospitalization.)

Me: “Hello, [boss?] I’m afraid I won’t be in to work today, I’m still feeling very dizzy and having vertigo. The lesson plans are all on my desk, so—”

Boss: “Wait, you’re not coming in?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry but I can’t. I doubt I’ll be ready to come in Friday, either, but I’ll try to be back by Monday.”

Boss: “But once you’re here, all you have to do is sit at your desk. Now the other teachers are going to have to do your work for you. Are you sure you can’t come in?”

Me: “No… I just suffered a significant brain injury. I’m still dizzy and I can’t walk straight. I don’t think it would be safe for me to try to get into work in this state.”

Boss: “If you cared about your job, you would come in! I can’t believe you’re so selfish!” *hangs up*

(My friend and fellow language school teacher are walking the streets on the way to movie and pizza.  He’s makes an observation.)

Coworker: “You seem to make all Korean people happy. ”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “All the Koreans that look at me kind of scowl, and then they look at you and smile.”

Me: “That might be because you tend to scowl at people, and I tend to smile?”

Coworker: “Okay, but our bosses get you tons of help. Like that vacation for your family reunion; you know you could have gotten a full ten weeks. And they’re practically trying to set up your love life. Why is that?”

Me: “I do lots of extra stuff for them. Plus, I don’t tend to worry about whether the Koreans are plotting against me.”

Coworker: “Huh. Maybe that’s it…”

(In the after-school program where I used to work, we would hold mini camps with field trips and such during school holidays. One of my former coworkers who was amazing in his job has recently become one of my bosses, but this has had an adverse effect on his reactions. This happens during spring break on a field trip when I see one of my kids lying on a bench.)

Me: “[Child], what’s wrong?”

Child: “I’m tired.”

Me: “Are you okay?”

Child: “I don’t feel well. I’m tired.”

Me: *to my boss* “Something is wrong with [child]. He won’t eat his lunch.”

Boss: “He’s just mad because we had to get off the playground to eat lunch.”

Me: “Uh, no. Something is wrong. This is not [child].”

Boss: “He’s fine; he’s just upset.”

Me: “I work with [child]. This is NOT like him. I’ve NEVER seen him act like this.”

Boss: “Nothing’s wrong with him. He’s just throwing a temper tantrum.”

(I finally cave and figure my boss has been doing this much longer than I have and knows better than I.)

Me: *to the child* “Come on, dude. You need to stop acting like this and eat.”

Child: “I don’t feel well.”

(We board the bus to head back. Just as we’ve return to our main location…)

Me: “[Child], come on! We’ve got to get inside.”

Bus Driver: “Something’s wrong with him. He’s sick.”

Me: “That’s what I told [boss], but he said he was just pitching a fit.”

Bus Driver: “I felt his forehead when we got back on the bus. It was burning.”

(I realize the error of my ways in not trusting my judgement.)

Me: “I’ve got to get inside with them. I’ll send someone to come get him.

(As I run to catch up with the group, I see a coworker, Coworker #1, on the sidewalk.)

Me: *to Coworker #1* “[Child] is on the bus. He’s not feeling well. Can you try to get him off?”

(I arrive in the building and see another coworker, Coworker #2, who I know is the child’s favorite counselor and happens to be the boss’ brother.)

Me: *to Coworker #2* “Dude! [Child] is on the bus. Something is wrong with him. I just sent [Coworker #1], but he likes you. Can you go try to get him?”

(Coworker #2 runs to the bus and returns moments later, carrying the child. By now, my boss has joined us in the building.)

Coworker #2: “SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HIM!”

(Coworker #1 and my boss get a thermometer and take his temperature. He has a high fever. My boss goes to call the child’s mother and I hang around, even though my shift is over just to help keep an eye on him. Then, after everything is taken care of…)

Me: *to my boss* “I told you something was wrong.”

Boss: “Well, how was I supposed to know? I thought he was just throwing a fit.”

Me: “I work with him everyday. I have never seen him get like that, even when he’s mad. He is one of our most active children and so it’s not like him to just lie down and not even play.”

Boss: “Well—”

Me: “You’ve lost touch with your roots. That desk job has changed you. You, of all people, should know that we know our kids.”

(I later found out that Coworker #2 had the same conversation with him at home that night, and my boss admitted he was wrong. After that, with a little more prodding from Coworker #2 and I, my boss finally started giving us benefit of the doubt.)

(I am a substitute teacher. This takes place on Picture Day, where all the kids go with their homeroom teachers to have school pictures taken. After about a quarter of my students have sat for their portraits and are sitting quietly near me while they wait for their classmates to finish, the principal comes in to the room.)

Principal: “You need to take the students who are finished back to your classroom. They can’t just loiter in here.”

Me: “But, I thought I wasn’t supposed to leave any student unattended.”

Principal: “That’s right.”

Me: “So, I have to walk each student, as they are finished, back to my classroom?”

Principal: “Yes.”

Me: “And, then, return here to escort the next student?”

Principal: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

(I proceed to escort the 6-8 students who were finished back to my classroom. I then return to the cafeteria, where portraits are being taken. Just then, the principal walks in, seemingly livid.)

Principal: “What did I tell you about leaving students unattended?”

Me: “I’m confused. I thought I was supposed to escort each student back to my classroom, and then return here for the next student.”

Principal: “Yes! That’s right!”

Me: “But, to do that, the students in the classroom would be left unattended.”

Principal: “Students should NEVER be unattended!”

Me: “Then, should I stay in the classroom and tell students to just return to my room when the portraits are done?”

Principal: “What are you thinking?! Students should never be left unattended in the classroom, in the cafeteria, or in the hallways.”

Me: “Let me see if I am getting this right: I am supposed to be in the cafeteria throughout the time the portraits are being taken so the kids aren’t unattended in the cafeteria. I am also supposed to escort each and every student back to my classroom so they aren’t unattended in the hallways. Once I take a student back to the classroom, I’m supposed to stay there so that they aren’t left unattended in my room. Is that right?”

Principal: “YES! God, why is that so hard to figure out? At this rate, it’ll be a miracle if you don’t flunk out of your master’s program.”

Me: “So, tell me, how am I supposed to be in the cafeteria, in my classroom, and escorting students in the hallway all at the same time?”

Principal: “You are the teacher. That is your job to figure out. Now, get it done!” *storms off*

(I did my best to bend the laws of physics and reality to accomplish his directive, but it didn’t work. In the end, I ended up having to leave the students unattended in the cafeteria, where at least the adult photographer and school secretary were present. At the end of the day, I was relieved from my position as a long-term substitute teacher for “Endangering the safety of students by leaving them unattended.”)

(I’m a math teacher and am sitting at lunch with another math teacher, history teacher, and the guidance counselor.)

Other Math Teacher: “I read a great joke yesterday! What do you get when you cut the diameter from the circumference of a pumpkin?”

Me: “I don’t know, what?”

Other Math Teacher: “PIE!”

(He and I burst into laughter while the other two look at us oddly).

Me: “That’s great!”

History Teacher: “You two are losers.”

Me: “But we love it!”