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    Won’t Bi From Here Again

    | FL, USA | Bigotry, Employees, Love/Romance, Religion, Theme Of The Month

    (I am 16 years old but look more like I am maybe 13 or 14. I am openly bisexual and wear a bracelet out of pride for my orientation. I am paying for some grocery items.)

    Cashier: “Hello, how ar—” *drops tone very low* “Sweetie, are you are aware of what that charm means?”

    (She is referring to the charm of the word ‘Pride’ in a rainbow color scheme on my bracelet.)

    Me: “Umm… yes, I’m well aware.”

    Cashier: “Honey, you’re much too young for that! Don’t let them brainwash you into thinking you’re gay! You’re still just a little girl!”

    Me: “Uhh, Ma’am… I’m not gay, I’m—”

    Cashier: “See! Told you so! You really shouldn’t be wearing such a horrid piece!”

    Me: “Ma’am… I’m not gay, but I am bisexual. See these colors?” *referring to the blue, purple and pink color scheme* “These are the colors of the Bisexual Pride Flag.”

    Cashier: “Don’t be silly! There’s no such thing as being bisexual! You’re just confused and brainwashed! You should come to our Sunday service; they’ll set you right!”

    (By now I have finished paying and I am gathering my bags.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am far from confused. I know who I am and a Sunday service will do me no good since I’m an atheist. Have a good one!”

    (As I leave, she has the most shocked and flabbergasted face I’ve ever seen. As I exit, my boyfriend (who is now my husband) meets me with the car and I proceed to tell him what happened.)

    Boyfriend: “Why didn’t you play it up more?! That would have been gold!”

    A Hard Day’s Wokr

    | Ashford, Kent, UK | Coworkers, Language & Words

    (At my store we often joke about who has been doing work that day and who hasn’t, even though everyone is a hard worker, Such an exchange happens today:)

    Coworker: “I heard a rumour that [My Name] was going to do some work today.”

    Me: *chuckling* “No, don’t be silly! What is this ‘work’ you speak of?”

    Coworker: “It’s a four-letter word that starts with ‘W’ and ends with ‘R.'”

    (He realizes what he has just said. We both laugh.)

    Me: “[Coworker], this just proves that you know nothing about work!”

    Prawn Of The Dead

    | UK | April Fool's Day, Zombies

    (I go to my local supermarket to return an item.)

    Me: “I would like to return these prawns, please.”

    Employee: *with a snarky tone* “And why do you feel like you’re warranted a return?”

    Me: “They turned my husband into a zombie.”

    Employee: *blinks* “Pardon me?”

    Me: “My husband ate them last night, and then became unwell. He woke up this morning as a zombie, and I think it was the prawns’ fault.”

    Employee: “Everyone knows that to become a zombie you have to be bitten by one. Bad prawns don’t cause zombification.”

    Me: “What about the first one?”

    Employee: “First what?”

    Me: “There has to be a first zombie, a patient zero. I believe my husband is that person.”

    Employee: “I’m sorry, be that as it may, I still don’t think that the prawns–”

    (Just then, we are interrupted by a sound of broken glass. We turn to see my zombified husband shuffle into the store.)

    Me: “Oh, no, he got out of the car.”

    Employee: ”You bought your zombie-husband with you?!”

    Me: “Yes, as proof.”

    Employee: “Proof of what?”

    (My zombie-husband shuffles towards the frozen fish section.)

    Zombie-Husband: “PRAAAAAAWWWWWNS…”

    (Pause.)

    Employee: “Let me get you started on that refund…”

    Dire Directions

    | Paramus, NJ, USA | Employees, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (We are going to a kosher supermarket but are unsure how to get there, so I call to get directions.)

    Employee: “Thank you for calling [Supermarket]. How may I help you?”

    Me: “How do we get to you from the George Washington bridge?”

    Employee: *completely deadpan* “You drive.”

    Me: “Yeah, I know. How do I drive there?”

    Employee: *still completely deadpan* “In a car.”

    Me: “Can I speak to someone else, please?”

    (The new employee gave me directions.)

    Making Very Personal Announcements

    | UK | Bosses & Owners, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (My boss, general manager of the store, is also a part time DJ. He has a gig tonight and has brought in his mixer and a microphone so that I can help him replace a fuse. This happens after closing time, when there are no customers but staff are still working stock.)

    Me: “So that’s the fuse changed. Now you should probably test it just on the off-chance I messed up.”

    Boss: “I trust you, but let’s test it anyway.”

    (We hook up his mixer to the PA system and power everything up.)

    Me: “What do I say?”

    Boss: *grabbing the microphone* “All right, [Supermarket], are you ready to make some f****** noise?!”


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