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    Dire Directions

    | Paramus, NJ, USA | Employees, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (We are going to a kosher supermarket but are unsure how to get there, so I call to get directions.)

    Employee: “Thank you for calling [Supermarket]. How may I help you?”

    Me: “How do we get to you from the George Washington bridge?”

    Employee: *completely deadpan* “You drive.”

    Me: “Yeah, I know. How do I drive there?”

    Employee: *still completely deadpan* “In a car.”

    Me: “Can I speak to someone else, please?”

    (The new employee gave me directions.)

    Making Very Personal Announcements

    | UK | Bosses & Owners, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (My boss, general manager of the store, is also a part time DJ. He has a gig tonight and has brought in his mixer and a microphone so that I can help him replace a fuse. This happens after closing time, when there are no customers but staff are still working stock.)

    Me: “So that’s the fuse changed. Now you should probably test it just on the off-chance I messed up.”

    Boss: “I trust you, but let’s test it anyway.”

    (We hook up his mixer to the PA system and power everything up.)

    Me: “What do I say?”

    Boss: *grabbing the microphone* “All right, [Supermarket], are you ready to make some f****** noise?!”

    Great Feats Of Meats

    , | Australia | Bizarre/Silly, Coworkers, Food & Drink

    (I’ve recently started working the opening shift once a week, which involves arriving at six am to organise and fill the shaved meats. By the time backup arrives at eight am, I’ve made everything look perfect. Note that I require a LOT of coffee that early in the morning.)

    Coworker: “Good morning, dear!”

    Me: “Good morning! Look! Did I do a good job?”

    Coworker: “Oh, hey, it looks incredible! Did you colour code the meats?”

    Me: “I may have.”

    (The next week:)

    Coworker: “Good morning!”

    Me: “Hello!” *long pause* “Hey, tell me again how good I did.”

    Coworker: “It looks amazing; they should have you on every morning!”

    Me: “Aw, shucks.”

    (The week after that:)

    Coworker: “Good morning! Don’t worry, I know the drill. Oh, my goodness, the meats look just so good!”

    Newborn Into Service

    , | Australia | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Bosses & Owners, Family & Kids

    (Today I’m working with two female coworkers; I’m also female. During a quiet part of the day, one of our managers comes in with her newborn. None of us have seen her since she went on maternity leave a month ago, so we’re all thrilled to see her and her son. My coworkers are so busy cooing over the child that they don’t notice a customer standing quietly at the counter. I go to serve her.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Customer: “What are they doing over there?”

    Me: “Our manager is here with her newborn. Really, you’re lucky you’re getting served at all!”

    (The customer laughed before wandering over to join the group. She did eventually get her items, when they all resurfaced ten minutes later!)

    They Don’t Need To Come With Dips

    | IN, USA | Employees, Rude & Risque

    (Friend #1 works at a well known supermarket as a cart pusher. He is a hard worker, but he lacks any sense of professionalism. Friend #2 has stopped by and this transpired.)

    Friend #1: “Hey, ask me if we have Doritos flavored condoms.”

    (Friend #2 adopts a theatrical pose.)

    Friend #2: “Sir! Do you have Doritos flavored condoms?”

    (Friend #1 grabs his store radio and calls over it.)

    Friend #1: *over the radio* “Management, a customer wishes to know if we have Doritos flavored condoms.”

    (Several seconds of silence pass by on an otherwise busy line.)

    Friend #1: *over radio* “Do you copy?”

    Supervisor: “No, we do not have… THAT, and do not say that over the walkie!”

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