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  • Swearing You Into A Job
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  • Can’t Get Pasteurized Past Her Eyes

    | Jerusalem, Israel | Employees, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Themed Giveaway

    (My wife is a big fan of specialty cheeses, and she likes when I surprise her with new ones she’s never tried before. She’s currently pregnant, so I need to be careful not to buy her unpasteurized cheese.)

    Me: *pointing to a random cheese I’ve never heard of* “Is that cheese pasteurized?”

    Deli Worker: “It’s goat cheese.”

    Me: “Yes, but is it pasteurized?”

    Deli Worker: “It’s goat cheese.”

    Me: “I know it’s goat cheese. I’m asking if it’s pasteurized or not.”

    Deli Worker: *stares blankly*

    Me: “Some cheeses are pasteurized, others aren’t. I need to know if that one is or not.”

    Deli Worker: “I don’t know what ‘pasteurized’ is. It’s goat cheese.”

    (I give up and just buy some brie, because unlike most of the cheeses in the display I could read its ingredient label through the glass. How somebody who’s been selling cheeses for years doesn’t know what pasteurization means, I have no idea!)

    The Correct Etiquette For Baggage

    | USA | At The Checkout, Employees, Lazy/Unhelpful

    (I am an Australian tourist who is buying some food and stuff for my stay in America. I am at the checkout counter.)

    Me: “Could I please get these in a plastic bag?”

    Worker: “In AMERICA, we call them SHOPPING BAGS!”

    Me: “In Australia, we have etiquette!”

    Outspoken Speaker

    | London, England, UK | Coworkers, Rude & Risque, Technology, Themed Giveaway

    (I work in the office of a very large supermarket. Across the room from me are two very chatty colleagues, whose job it is to page customers and employees and make store-wide announcements. They have just finished announcing a sale we are having to the whole store, and then start gossiping between themselves again.)

    Coworker #1: “Did you hear what happened to [Name]?”

    Coworker #2: “I did! His girlfriend caught him looking at porn!”

    Coworker #1: “And he was naked and everything!”

    (The conversation then descends into a very graphic description of what kind of porn this guy had been looking at. Suddenly, my phone rings. Before I can even speak the manager is screaming down the phone at me.)

    Manager: “Can you please tell those yabbering potty-mouths to remember to turn OFF the f****** microphone! I’ve got parents screaming over it so their kids can’t hear any more!”

    (I looked over at the two coworkers, who were still nattering away. I was tempted to wait a few seconds more before I calmly revealed to them that every single employee and customer in the store was now privy to their dirty conversation.)

    Very Honest Customer Service

    , | Australia | Coworkers, Ignoring/Inattentive

    (We don’t have a queuing system so we have to ask who’s next. Occasionally the customers don’t know who’s next, but sometimes a coworker will point out who arrived first. We’re supposed to be subtle about this.)

    Me: “Who’s next?”

    (The three female customers and one male customer still waiting all look at each other, unsure.)

    Coworker: *loudly, not looking up* “Ridiculously attractive guy.”

    Ridiculously Attractive Guy: *beams at me*

    Self-Help Checkout

    | Ireland | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Employees

    (I usually buy groceries in one supermarket because they have self-checkouts that I can get through much quicker and with less anxiety than regular ones. On this day I’m buying a few items before meeting a friend in the main shopping centre.)

    Me: *to attendant* “Excuse me. Could I have a plastic bag, please?”

    Attendant: “No.”

    (I can tell he’s joking so play along.)

    Me: “Ah, please…”

    Attendant: “€70…”

    Me: “All right.”

    (He smiles and hands me the bag. Just as I’m finishing, my friend pops up at the exit and waves at me. We go for a cup of tea and then go back about two hours later to do her grocery shopping, going through self-service checkouts again. I’m used to the scanners so end up scanning everything that my friend hands to me.)

    Attendant: *watching me scan* “”You again? Jesus, we should give you a job here!”

    Me: “Please do!”

    (A minute later, something won’t scan.)

    Attendant: “Ah, and now you’re breaking everything! You’re fired!”

    Me: *laughing* “Sorry!”

    (He always teases me now when I go through self-service. No matter how grumpy I am he always makes me smile.)


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